Preamble: I rarely make two posts in a day, I’ve no idea what the internet guidelines around that are, but well– I’ve written it now, there’s no point waiting to publish.
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Anyway, this is the question that has been on my mind a lot, lately. Because I know many of my problems come from (or are made worse) because I’m often walking around “in my head”. Fantasising about conversations I might never have, about ideas I may never execute, about dreams that might never become real. And on the flip side, also “fantasising” about problems that don’t yet exist etc— of course, this is better known as anxiety.
I know that part of it is an “addiction” to thinking, and the simplest advice is always to “come back to the present”.
But I want to talk about an important reframe, first:
There are benefits to thinking, keeping some checks in place for big worries (for e.g. financial investments, planning), preparation for important things like job interviews, and various other things. Especially now that I know myself better, the benefits are EVEN more important to remember, because the pre-thinking (or preparation) is an important part of my process, and without it, I may have more regrets, and a lower tolerance for things “going wrong”.
However, the thinking needs to happen in a more embodied way. Which is why journaling, blogging, doodling, notes, etc are GOOD. Thinking that is ONLY happening in your head— BAD.
So there are two sides to the problem of fantasy:
- Anxiety (or Worry, or a “need” to plan a bit for the future)
From above: I think this is okay, we have to be mindful of overdoing this, but a bit of embodied preparation and planning is beneficial, and I can continue to do this.
But there’s also the other side, which so far I used to let myself go almost “crazy” with, and have only very recently started looking at in more depth or detail. - Fantasy (Good Fantasies)
Why is this a problem? Well, I think, the more you fantasise about things, the more you’re prone to disappointments and heartbreaks. With dreams, love, whatever it may be, you’ve added to your life an imagined reality which you then have to grieve. While wants and desires are perfectly natural, I do wonder if stitching vivid images of what they should look like is necessary.
Overall, there’s also the thing which we originally started with. Some of us often fantasise to escape our feelings, really, to escape from the present. For example, I’ve noticed that if I feel (romantic) curiosity or longing or an interest towards someone, I start to fantasise about a potential future where I’m dating this person and having all these amazing conversations with them. What am I escaping, here? I’m escaping the feeling of “not actually having someone in my life at the moment” who I can do all those things with. That’s the feeling I’m escaping. Inadequacy, dissatisfaction, sadness, longing, etc.
Heidi Priebe talks about all of this at length in this video, and I find some of her insights incredibly useful.
Anyway, this brings me back to the original question. Is there really a way to still look at my fantasies from a friendly lens?
I suppose the answer would still be the same as what I mentioned earlier. But I suppose writing, journaling, blogging, doodling, notes, etc, these are only just mediums (for embodiment). What we really need to do is keep some of these reframes in mind:
- Take a look at the complete fantasy, ie not just the last five steps, but also the next (first) five steps— ie the actions you might have to take in the next 48-72 hours to get closer to this fantasy that you seem to want.
- Take a look at the problems and the challenges involving the fantasy— if we’re using the fantasy to escape the present, chances are we’re only looking at the good parts of the fantasy, or romanticising the problems that come along with it. Ask yourself whether the problems that come with this fantasy are really what we want, are those problems better than the problems we have right now? Because there is no life without problems and pain, the main goal is to find problems you like (or at least— like more than your current problems).
- Ask yourself whether you can enjoy the journey— of course, resistance may show up now and then, but that might actually be a part of the process as well, it definitely is with creative work, for example– and in such a case enjoying the journey would look like actually enjoying overcoming the different forms of resistance, even.
- Come back to the present with more acceptance and kindness. There’s a reason your current present is the way it is, and only through kindness, forgiveness and acceptance can you move towards making it better. Or move towards trading your problems for better problems.
For instance, while writing this post out I did realise that maybe I don’t want too much success, or fame (even though I sometimes do fantasise about those things), because I do like having spare time to myself, and I do having a lot of my life to be private. I want to be more seen, yes, but perhaps not through fame.
I do want a relationship though, because I know I actually like the problems that come with it, I love the idea of doing emotional work with someone who’s as invested as you in building something real and deep. I really enjoy conflict resolution, I really enjoy getting creative with problems like compromise, etc.
I do want to be a better writer and a better musician, because I do enjoy the process and the hard-parts of these things too.
To sum it up, stay embodied, and take a look at the whole picture, from the present to the journey and then lastly, if you have time– at the goals themselves.
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