Tag: exploration

059a – values exploration (pt 1)

A while ago I discovered a values-exercise by the New Happy (which is a venture (??) I really admire) and I’ve been meaning to get to this for a few weeks now. Did a first iteration of the exercise but I’m not feeling fully settled with what I have. Want to explore this dissatisfaction through writing.

Here’s my top 10 values: 

  • Faith 
  • Courage
  • Learning 
  • Authenticity 
  • Choice 
  • Compassion 
  • Gratitude 
  • Kindness / Love (I’ve clubbed these because I think that’s okay) 
  • Health 

I was super confused about what should take the last spot but these were the ones I found appealing: Peace/Art/Balance/Nature/Enjoyment 

One that I’ve rejected (this didn’t even make it in my top-20) was Stability. But every time I have an anxious night or an anxious day I wonder if I should make it a value. So, okay, this is the first time I’ve had more of a medium-long-term “unstable” period in my life anyway. Which means that I don’t know whether Stability is a value I need (want) in my life or not. So, I suppose I can give myself more time ie 6-8 months to hopefully have an answer there. 

Currently, when I distilled my top-10 to top-5, I came up with this: 

  1. Authenticity (This is the only one I’m a 100% confident about) 
  2. Gratitude 
  3. Kindness / Love 
  4. Health  
  5. Learning 

This actually feels okay. Accepting that I don’t know enough about myself yet is also fine. Putting it in words, ie what it is exactly that I don’t know helps a lot too.  

There’s of course the research to keep in mind too, the resource mentions that research tells us that the values that are most likely to make us happy fall in the following categories: achievement, stimulation, self-direction and benevolence. Which means that if I want to trust the research only, I might not actually need “Stability” as a core value if “happiness” is what I want to maximise in life. 

What feels unsatisfactory so far is if these values are enough for me to have a life/lifestyle that’s exciting enough for me. The short answer is they can be. I can still pursue enjoyment, fun, excitement and all the jazz but just not at the cost of these things. Right? I think so. Let’s see. Feeling some blockers here. Like I’m listening to some “shoulds” as opposed to just what is. 

I think I’m also conflicted between wanting a “happy” life and an “easy” life. Because of my generalised anxiety and my experience with the lows in the past, maybe I’ve convinced myself I want an easy life. But the truth is (I think), I don’t think an easy life can necessarily be the happiest life. It might cause some dissatisfaction down the line. So, yeah this might be worth thinking about more. Where do I want to operate on the easy-difficult spectrum to maximise my position the happiness-sadness spectrum? (Ah, good one.)

Okay, enough to think about. Will continue this exploration another time!

022 – achieve flow in self-exploration

Yesterday someone told me how “no sleep is better than the sleep you’re not supposed to be sleeping”. We were talking about whether I’m enjoying writing only when I’m escaping into it, or whether I can enjoy it even when I have ample time to do it. So here I am trying to enjoy writing even when I have a couple days off coming up, starting tomorrow.

There’s a few things on my mind, cigarettes and shame, for starters. Shame about cigarettes and smoking, to be clear. But I don’t know if I want to think about it or elaborate on it. The other thing on my mind is loneliness.  I don’t know if I want to think about it, either. They could be related, possibly. Maybe it’s smoking alone that’s shameful. It’s definitely easier when you do it with company. Maybe it’s the alienating aspect of it that brings shame sometimes.

I’m definitely getting distracted by loud talking voices coming from outside my room. Music doesn’t help either, since it’s quite distracting also. I never understand how people are able to work or do mental tasks alongside of music. Even instrumental music can be distracting for me, more often than not. Trying not to pick my phone up every five minutes.

Was thinking about how it’s insane that I was doubting my ability do code. I have proofs from various systems that I can, I am “employed” as a software engineer. And yet, imposter syndrome + anxiety had got me doubting myself so intensely. Even if I’m not a “star” programmer, I’m okay. Feels good to see it again.

Whenever I get stuck in the middle of any of these posts, I end up checking the word count. I don’t think it’s a great habit, since it can be discouraging more often than not. It’s like checking results in the middle of an experiment. Should perhaps take into account the problems that come up with the observer effect. I know this isn’t exactly the same thing but it feels like it.

What is loneliness? Can a textual or video conversation resolve it? Can it be broken down into other feelings? I know intellectual starvation was one. Lack of people who understand you and care about you is another. Lack of people you are interested in, could be another too. I think part of loneliness resolution is having enough people you’re curious about. With tons of information coming at us every minute, maybe we forget who we intentionally want to hear and know about. Maybe when there aren’t enough people around me arousing my curiosity, I could make myself the subject. Maybe I can achieve flow in self-exploration. Maybe it’s the right amount of challenging and interesting. And we all know that we are equipped enough to do it.

Recently read a bit about flow again. Saw a video that mentioned how people who achieve significant periods of flow in a day can be happier. I think I’m definitely able to achieve flow with programming, and photography, and writing. For the last few days, I’ve managed to spend 3-4 hours at least, at work, “in the zone”. But it’s not as satisfactory, I feel. My main motivation to get my work done is just that – to get the work done. To reduce the stress and worries. But my motivation with photography and writing is often more positive. Of course, I know the relationship could change if I were doing these things to earn money or make a living, but so far, I don’t need to worry about that. I suppose it’s okay to notice that there’s a difference, at least currently.

I want to explore film photography. There’s so much to research, though. It’s daunting. I really don’t love the research part of things.

Alright, going to keep this short. I enjoyed this. I think I can be happier when I keep reflecting a little bit from time to time. I love uncovering the strongest thoughts and feelings, the ones that persist across hours and days, and are significant enough to come out even when they’re completely unrelated to everything else that I’ve been thinking and talking about so far. The need for an outlet is quite real.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s a thing such as too much self-awareness? Is that possible? Are there downsides to it? Both the therapists I’ve had in the past have often told me I’m quite self-aware. Some of my friends have often told me that too. And I think most people have meant it as a compliment. But I wonder what I feel when I hear it. I think a part of me relates it to narcissism and/or being self-absorbed.
Looked up a few articles. Couldn’t really find any clear downsides apart from potential over-thinking and over-analyzing. Joke’s on you, article – I already do that anyway.

It’s crazy how on the one hand I feel sad about how I don’t know what I like who I like what I want and on the other hand I worry about too much self-awareness. Just goes to show how much nothing is worth believing. 

Well, I didn’t actually end up keeping this short. I’m happy, though. Got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Excited about the outside time I’m planning to get. Maybe it’ll give rise to another post. Or maybe it’ll just be a nice day by itself. Thinking of treating hours and days as opportunities. Time, in general. I suppose. An opportunity to be curious and authentic and brave.