Tag: expression

096b – the creative process of intimacy

I haven’t been writing (publicly) as much because all I can write about lately is love and romance. Anyone who knows me knows I’m deeply wary of the idea of being enmeshed with anyone else, especially romantic partners. And yet, these days I find myself wanting to spend all of my time with a specific person. She’s great and we both seem to be on the same page about most important things (including our own individual needs wrt alone time etc), and yet I do find my alone time not being as precious lately. It’s almost like I’m able to “recharge” with her and hence am able to do my “alone time” with her as well. Which.. I know it isn’t necessarily a bad thing— I’ve been in monogamous relationships before and they can be really pleasant— and just because they come with very strong, deep attachments doesn’t mean I have to be so fearful of them. But still, I know for sure that to retain my sense of myself, my individuality (which really, philosophically, I’m fully sure of wanting to do), I do need to remember what I like about my alone alone time. 


Writing and music have been the two most important things over the last year, and to be fair to myself, I’ve been doing enough of the two, even if I’m not doing them publicly. 

Still, I would like to continue to make my writing / journaling / blogging public, to the extent possible. 

This actually feels really good too. Just the idea of writing things down and sharing them with the world does give me a sense of comfort and security. And this is important for me to note and regularly stay in touch with so I can do everything that I talked about earlier in the beginning of this post (ie retain and maintain my sense of self).

Something I’m more in touch with lately is a bit of the “crazy” and “weird” parts of me. Of course, calling them crazy and weird is a bit of a judgement, but perhaps I just mean the parts that maybe we’re not fully secure about, whether it’s because we carry internal judgement or whether society makes us that way, doesn’t really matter. Channeling all this becomes very important though. Of course most of us know creativity and art thrives on all of the parts of us that we’re not able to express through other ways. But to channel them successfully we need to make sure our routines around creative work are not falling apart. If I’m not writing everyday, for example, then even being in touch with part a or b will be useless. To create good stuff, or stuff we can be happy with, then, needs the following things—

a. being in touch with all sorts of feelings and parts of us,

b. routines wrt outlets and our creative practices,

c. the courage to express and the courage to share it or put it “out there”. 

I suppose the process of intimacy (with another) and with the self looks the same in many ways then. 

Anyway. Was this too rambly? I don’t think so. What am I saying? I’m saying that even though I haven’t been creating as much art as I may want to, I think I’m okay with it because I’m deepening my connection with someone, and that is, in many ways, the same thing as creating art (to me). The output, yes, is quite different, but for a while I think I’m okay to invest my time and bandwidth in the “creative process of love and romance”, and not just my existing preferred creative outlets.  

Happy april, folks! xx

086a – thought-trains and fears

Fucked up sleep schedule again. I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to sleep. Either I just accept that I’m sleeping weird hours or I genuinely try to be disciplined. I think I’m just going to accept that for the next few weeks because once I’m traveling (ie end of this month) and spending time with other people I think the routine will automatically come into the picture. 

Yeah, so maybe for the next couple weeks, it’s alright to have a slightly weird sleep schedule. 

Did a lot of music things the whole day yesterday, felt pretty nice, although I do feel like I’m getting very daydreamy with my goals and tasks. Like it’s not like I’m not spending enough time on the doing (I am), but I’m still spending a LOT of time just romanticising it all. 

In general also, I’ve been thinking a lot about romanticisation and glorification. Is it a problem? It’s obviously better than catastrophisation but I think it’s sort of the same thing. In a way, you’re spending time away from the present and away from awareness. So, yeah, I’d definitely want to be spending less time in my head. So how do I do this really? I’ve cut out a lot of my “vices” or copes to this problem over the last few months, I think there are in a way just the innermost layers remaining now. 

Ie just core strong self-discipline. Habits, I suppose, is what people vouch by a lot. Yeah, maybe I’ll think about habit building a bit too. Maybe I recognise what situations I’m most prone to rumination and daydreaming in. Obviously, keeping a journal and a guitar near me as much as I can helps me too. But that’s not enough, I think. I think I’d want to be better at both the routes— cutting the thought “spirals” (regardless of whether they’re down spirals or up spirals) through body interference (movement, or action for eg) but also through brain interference (“hey, you’re in your head”, “hey, you’re on a thought-train, do you want to write about it perhaps?”). Yeah, I think I’ll try practicing these things a bit. 

I slept from 7am-2pm today and I think that’s okay, I do tend to need 9 hours of sleep. Anyway, I think it’s all okay. I can’t always be questioning everything. I’m happy doing the work I’m doing lately, I just don’t want to get lost in it— is something I’ve been feeling lately. But just as I write this, I wonder if it’s okay to get lost in it for a few months? I’m just afraid of becoming a workaholic to be very honest. I don’t want to prioritise work over health and relationships. I do want to keep health at the top, and then relationships and work at an equal footing, for sure. 

Man, there’s no sun today either. Hope tomorrow is better! Hope you’re having a good week xx 

084b – trying to funnel life a bit

Been very busy— socially— over the last couple days. Haven’t had enough time to myself. Haven’t been sleeping too well either but I finally caught up on that earlier today. The sun hasn’t been out for almost a whole week now which sucked quite a bit although music and people have been keeping me sane and happy. 

Finally bought an electric guitar after many months of mulling over models etc. Excited to practice and learn a few songs this month. 

I’d been thinking about temporarily deactivating Instagram for a while now and I finally took the plunge. Current plan is to keep it deactivated for 2-3 weeks and then see if I need it or no. Reasoning behind deactivation is primarily that I want to minimise unnecessary stimulus. I want to be more careful and mindful about the kind of content I consume and Instagram is coming in the way a bit, I guess. Further, the two main reasons I was still keeping it around were that

  1. it was one of my primary ends for creative expression (especially with photos as well as “thought dumps”) but I think I’m more determined to focus on journaling/writing/music as the primary forms of expression, at least this month, so maybe Instagram is just a bit of a distraction from those goals.

  2. i think I also had a lot of space for new people and connections in life and I thought Instagram can be a good way to keep that channel open. And while it’s true that you do sometimes find interesting opportunities and people through social media, I just feel like I have enough on my plate for the next few weeks so maybe for now I’m alright. 

So yeah, figured it’s worth testing. 

Kind of excited about getting to 100K words soon(ish) but also wondering what the next steps would be. This is good practice, I feel like I tend to keep jumping ahead with things. Or maybe, I just leave this question here and let the answers come to me. If the answers haven’t arrived, then I can potentially keep going as well. [open question]

Focused on drums class, vocals exam, learning Corduroy Dreams on guitar this week, and that’s probably sufficient work to be thinking about, so maybe I can allow myself to not have to think about January planning etc. 

Still have a couple of people I want to meet once or twice before they go back to their bases. 

Lots of travel lined up this year and pretty excited about all of it. 

I’d like to think about (and do some research on) whether long-form content consumption (like books, for example) is actually healthier compared to social media content consumption or not. Like obviously, intuition says it is, and I’ve heard a lot of such sentiments in passing, but I don’t think I’ve ever read about it properly. So yeah, that’d be good to learn more about. [open question]

Cheers xx 

081b – joyful

Heart is full. Had three consecutive days around people I love and I couldn’t be happier, I think. As I’ve mentioned multiple times before, I was pretty worried about December, productivity, social obligations etc etc, but I think this time I was finally able to show up where I really wanted to, and say no to the things I really didn’t want to do. Feels pretty great to be able to do this. 

Life has become much easier now that I’ve started expressing myself more and more, without thinking too much about it. I think I learnt how to do this most from a couple people I met over the previous year. I don’t know whether I just have a “backlog” of unexpressed feelings and thoughts or whether I genuinely will stay the same over the next few years, but I’m excited to find out. 

I’m also finding a lot of pleasure and joy in bonds that are not necessarily solidified or spoken about in words. That is, where words aren’t the primary form of communication and affection. Of course, quality time and physical affection have always been important to me but I always used to think that bonds are stronger and more real when you can talk about your thoughts and feelings explicitly. But I’m making more space for relations where words are not our strong suit, and yet I know they are valuable relationships and maybe I don’t want to give them up. 

The good thing about expressing in large “quantities” is also that you start to then get a more wholistic opinion of your art and skills. Giving up perfectionism has been one of the best things for me and my art and expression journeys. You start to feel seen over the small things and slowly it all accumulates to give you big positive feelings as well. My belief in the value of “body of work” is getting stronger, basically. And it’s not that you don’t give your whole heart to these little things, it’s just that you’re okay with perhaps 7/10 or 8/10 satisfaction and you complete+share those things anyway. We’re just human, doing human things after all. 

I’ve also opened my heart to dogs and kids again (as silly and obvious as that sounds) and it’s been wonderful. It’s so silly that we have these very easily available sources of joy and sometimes we forget to tap into them as much as we should be. Tldr; it’s never too late to unlock “new” sources of joy. 

I guess the trick after all is to find positive feelings in the easiest and most satisfactory way possible and release negative feelings in the easiest and most satisfactory way possible. I like this framing, I’ll sit with this a while. 

Stay safe and sound xx 

034b – art v/s. skills

Alright, it’s been a while since I’ve written, it’s due. 

Life’s been interesting, now that I think about it. I consumed some pot, so I’m pretty active. Plus, I slept in the day, so I’m pretty active. 

I’ve got this .. problem? of sorts. I feel quite all over the place, when it comes to practicing art lately. I’ve found that I enjoy 4-5 forms quite a lot – music (guitar, learning keys, singing), digital drawing, writing (poetry, blog..kind formats, and comedy-sketches-typeof things.) 

Soo let’s break this down into pieces. 

Why is this a problem? Is it a problem? Well, I got limited time. If I’m spending 4-5 hours of my free time on 2-3 different things (ideas) everyday, that’s probably making me inefficient / suboptimal. In terms of.. well, output, as well skill development. 

One counter to this could definitely be increased organization. If I’m spending some time on structure and logging, I could probably reduce the overhead caused by context-switches etc. Alright well, I organized my notes directories. I’m actually pretty happy with it! I have deep faith in organizational tools, and making time for them. 

Anyway, coming back to the problem breakdown. The deeper philosophical question: why is reduced output or reduced efficiency bad? What are my personal motivations behind creation or art, and what am I losing out on, then?
I think I have talked about this before, but for me there are two primary purposes of art:
1. expression, and 2. connection.
There could also be some secondary purposes. One (perhaps) is skill development. 

The expression part, I think I’m good with. My natural self is able to find enough time and ways to handle that. So what remains is connection. And maybe a bit of skill development. 

I think.. the connection part also, I’m good with. What remains then, is just this wish to be more.. skilled? But not sure of the reasons for it. Until my skills (or the lack thereof) are being a hindrance to what I want to express, I shouldn’t need to worry about skill development. Okay, I’m good with that conclusion.

To recap, one: I start being a little more organized. Which means: taking more notes, finding time for regular structure updates, setting weekly or monthly goals. (Also I noticed as I started filling up some of the docs, that as with tasks etc, my perception is probably pretty bad. The number of ideas or whatever I have in my head aren’t actually as much as I think I do, at a given point in time.) two: I reduce worrying about skills and where I’m at in those individual journeys. I recognize (or acknowledge) that that’s more of a distracting thought. I don’t need to know all the scales before I can express myself with music. I don’t need to be good at Procreate before I can express myself with drawings. Etc.

Onward!

010 – reflecting on writing or expression

Probably about to reach ten posts soon. It’s been a fun week, I know the pace isn’t sustainable for me but it’s been fun to find that excitement. I’m at that point where I can allow myself to think a little bit about the meta-questions that are coming up. I am not super sure about having too many meta-posts on here, but again.. can’t really care about all of that right now, right? Gotta keep playing the numbers game.

So, who am I writing (expressing) for? Do I want other people to read this? Why do I want them to read this? If I do want them to read this, what value can I give to them? Do I need to start thinking about the topics that I’m writing about? Some of the surface level thoughts and feelings are done, how do I be okay with diving in deeper? I also noticed how the first post isn’t visible on the home page anymore, I don’t really feel like investing time in making sure all posts are easily accessible, but I think I’m probably going to have to. 

Now that I’ve asked these questions, might as well attempt answering them. *sigh* 

Who am I writing (expressing) for?

Pretty much myself. I have a need (want) to express, to feel heard and to feel seen. And my current “listeners” (friends, family, therapist) are unable to fulfill that need well enough. Writing and sharing it out into the world makes me feel like I’m somehow addressing that need, even if I don’t always get immediate engagement or the pleasure of truly knowing that that’s happening. But it’s a gut thing, a feelings thing – and it’s working, at least so far. Plus, I have my (potentially) meaningless goal of quantity that I also get to chase. 

Do I want other people to read this?

Well, now that I’ve brought up the desire to feel seen and heard, I’d say yes. I also find myself sharing a few of these with people whose opinions I value or care about. So, yes, I think I definitely have started wanting people’s eyes on these. 

Why do I want them to read this?

This is the tough question, isn’t it? Again, wanting to feel seen and heard. Validation. Engagement? Potential conversations? I did feel really warm when a couple of people messaged me telling me how some of the stuff I shared resonated with them. That was a nice feeling. But I think when it happens organically, it’s better. Not sure whether this is true. Why does the value of their attention reduce if I ask them for it? Does it? Unsure whether I do feel this way or not. 

If I do want them to read this, what value can I give to them?

This is probably quite tough. I know a lot of amazing people have thought and written about this, so I’m sure I’m going to have to do some research on this one. Right now, I feel like the only people who’re probably going to want to read anything I’m expressing are mostly the people who I already know or have a relationship with – the people who want to get to know me. This is not true, though. I’ve had some strangers read some of the stuff I’ve written. And they’ve found that they were able to connect or resonate with some of it.

I think.. maybe honesty is the only value I can give to them, right now. I could want to educate people on topics that I care about, as well. I know for sure that there’s a big market for mental health education, LGBT dialog and education, specially in South Asian culture!
Pretty much every-time I’ve come out to someone about both mental health or sexuality, I’ve often received the same comment – something about how brave I am. Sometimes that bothers me (more on that in a separate post, someday), but mostly I think it comes from the fact that there’s 👏 not 👏 enough 👏 representation. 

I know I have some the tools one generally needs for this to work (this is based on feedback that I’ve sometimes received, but also things I feel about myself haha). That’s not to say one always needs all of these to exist, but I’m sure they’re good-to-haves.

  • Clarity 
  • Relatability 
  • Honesty + Vulnerability (albeit intentional) 
  • Empathy 
  • Passion, care, a personal interest (I’ve heard that this one generally matters the most)

What I would need, additionally

  • Feedback loops 
  • More experience, more of me being out there doing and feeling things again and again, can’t just keep exhausting what I already have, need to diversify with newness from time to time

Do I need to start thinking about the topics that I’m writing about?

Probably don’t need to worry about this, whatever comes naturally is probably the best thing to talk about. Can’t really afford to, at this point either. I can only see that hampering my pace. 

Some of the surface level thoughts and feelings are done, how do I be okay with diving in deeper?

This one’s quite tough as well. I think it’s the same thing again, the deeper I go, the more vulnerable I’ll have to be. But I think like before, the only way out is through. 

Anything else that comes up? 

One thing I don’t really enjoy is doing research. I often find myself getting lost when I try to look up what already exists about a certain topic. Sometimes I get discouraged because “so much” already exists about everything – who’s going to want to read “more” of it? I know we all have this unnecessary need to be original and unique. We forget that we are being unique, regardless of whether someone else has already talked about it. This is why I’ve mostly only written about personal thoughts and feelings so far, research gets daunting, it reduces the excitement. I might have to address this, I’ll probably have to think about what the motivators and benefits of (good?) research could be. Then I also think about how sometimes I’ve come across really amazing things (art, writings, concepts, projects) on the Internet which have often inspired me to do things. I guess always checking in with self could work. It’s going to have to be like any other process, anything can get daunting and tiring from time to time. Maybe I have a general clouded “negative” idea of research. Maybe if I did it with a fresh outlook, for things that I care about, and things I know that I care about, maybe it’ll be different? It’s possible.