Tag: fantasy

081a – growth recommendations

Haven’t done this in a few days. There’s something about private journaling that’s just not cutting it. Almost like the reverse of what used to happen— that is, journaling used to be better than writing in public because I would feel more free. However since I feel sufficiently free here as well, I feel better when I write here, since it then adds towards goal-completion pursuits. Journaling sometimes feels like “lost progress”. 

I’ve gotten a bit into Myers-Briggs and other personality tests again lately and though I know they can be a bit harmful (esp for people like me), I couldn’t stop myself from indulging in them. I think some of the findings have been interesting and can be potentially helpful too, actually, if I can take some time out to process them properly. 

The INFP thing I’ve been pretty comfortable with, but a friend recommended the Enneagram test to me as well, and that’s been a lot more stimulus than I was expecting. I test to be a type-4 at the moment and everything that’s listed in the “growth recommendations” is stuff that is quite.. intense, for the lack of a better word. 

The top two things that stick out, that also feel tough to implement right away, provided I’d even want to, are: 

  • Don’t pay so much attention to your feelings— this is quite tough since the last few months have been me actually paying a good amount of attention to my feelings. I think the meaning I’d want to assign to this is that feelings are valuable, and I definitely want to validate them, take my time to “feel” them perhaps (through activity and action as much as possible), but maybe I need to have time-caps on this, because spending more time than needed on any of the feelings can be harmful, of course. Maybe I want to cut myself off before it becomes “indulgence”.

  • Avoid putting off things until you are “in the right mood.”— this is also something I’m quite guilty of. I do tend to take a lot of time to do things because I generally believe I don’t do good work if I’m not doing it from a good state of mind. While I thought I had gotten quite better at dealing with these perfectionist tendencies, maybe there’s some more work to be done. I think if I had to be real, I’ve gotten better at this from one end only— for example, I’m now okay with leaving things at “90%”, but maybe I also need to be better at “starting things”— even when I don’t feel like I’m in the best state for them. 

The general theme seems to be that action, activity and discipline would be much better for me than fantasy and indulgence. Of course, this is something I know and I’ve been attempting to get to a point where I can think about implementing this, I haven’t yet. 

I had a couple of interesting conversations with strangers this week and those was also quite impactful, but something my therapist said which really helped me look at it differently was: 

  • What is the meaning you want to assign to it? 

This is important since it made me realise the right words— especially the right questions— can make such a big difference. I was taking everything I was thinking and feeling to be the truth, whereas really, I do have some control over how much importance I want to give to events and stimulus and feelings and thoughts. 

I feel like I have more things to talk about but I’m not sure what exactly. Social calendar is getting a bit pressurising— even though action and activity is nice, and it’s mostly nice to be around people, I don’t know what part of it is pressurising and draining exactly. Maybe it’s just my introversion needs coming into play. But when I do get time to myself I end up spending a lot of time in my head. So I guess the thing to figure out is how to spend time with myself that is still aligned with what I’ve learnt about action and activity. I think physical activity is the main thing I need to incorporate. I’ve been dancing a lot more and that feels pretty great, actually, but perhaps there’s more room for it. 

Alright, I think I have a qualitative plan, I’ll convert this into an action plan next week. 

Cheers xx 

064 – How can I become friends with my fantasies? 

Preamble: I rarely make two posts in a day, I’ve no idea what the internet guidelines around that are, but well– I’ve written it now, there’s no point waiting to publish.

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Anyway, this is the question that has been on my mind a lot, lately. Because I know many of my problems come from (or are made worse) because I’m often walking around “in my head”. Fantasising about conversations I might never have, about ideas I may never execute, about dreams that might never become real. And on the flip side, also “fantasising” about problems that don’t yet exist etc— of course, this is better known as anxiety. 

I know that part of it is an “addiction” to thinking, and the simplest advice is always to “come back to the present”. 

But I want to talk about an important reframe, first: 

There are benefits to thinking, keeping some checks in place for big worries (for e.g. financial investments, planning), preparation for important things like job interviews, and various other things. Especially now that I know myself better, the benefits are EVEN more important to remember, because the pre-thinking (or preparation) is an important part of my process, and without it, I may have more regrets, and a lower tolerance for things “going wrong”. 


However, the thinking needs to happen in a more embodied way. Which is why journaling, blogging, doodling, notes, etc are GOOD. Thinking that is ONLY happening in your head— BAD. 

So there are two sides to the problem of fantasy:

  1. Anxiety (or Worry, or a “need” to plan a bit for the future) 

    From above: I think this is okay, we have to be mindful of overdoing this, but a bit of embodied preparation and planning is beneficial, and I can continue to do this.

    But there’s also the other side, which so far I used to let myself go almost “crazy” with, and have only very recently started looking at in more depth or detail.  

  2. Fantasy (Good Fantasies)

Why is this a problem? Well, I think, the more you fantasise about things, the more you’re prone to disappointments and heartbreaks. With dreams, love, whatever it may be, you’ve added to your life an imagined reality which you then have to grieve. While wants and desires are perfectly natural, I do wonder if stitching vivid images of what they should look like is necessary. 

Overall, there’s also the thing which we originally started with. Some of us often fantasise to escape our feelings, really, to escape from the present. For example, I’ve noticed that if I feel (romantic) curiosity or longing or an interest towards someone, I start to fantasise about a potential future where I’m dating this person and having all these amazing conversations with them. What am I escaping, here? I’m escaping the feeling of “not actually having someone in my life at the moment” who I can do all those things with. That’s the feeling I’m escaping. Inadequacy, dissatisfaction, sadness, longing, etc. 

Heidi Priebe talks about all of this at length in this video, and I find some of her insights incredibly useful. 

Anyway, this brings me back to the original question. Is there really a way to still look at my fantasies from a friendly lens? 

I suppose the answer would still be the same as what I mentioned earlier. But I suppose writing, journaling, blogging, doodling, notes, etc, these are only just mediums (for embodiment). What we really need to do is keep some of these reframes in mind: 

  1. Take a look at the complete fantasy, ie not just the last five steps, but also the next (first) five steps— ie the actions you might have to take in the next 48-72 hours to get closer to this fantasy that you seem to want.

  2. Take a look at the problems and the challenges involving the fantasy— if we’re using the fantasy to escape the present, chances are we’re only looking at the good parts of the fantasy, or romanticising the problems that come along with it. Ask yourself whether the problems that come with this fantasy are really what we want, are those problems better than the problems we have right now? Because there is no life without problems and pain, the main goal is to find problems you like (or at least— like more than your current problems).

  3. Ask yourself whether you can enjoy the journey— of course, resistance may show up now and then, but that might actually be a part of the process as well, it definitely is with creative work, for example– and in such a case enjoying the journey would look like actually enjoying overcoming the different forms of resistance, even.

  4. Come back to the present with more acceptance and kindness. There’s a reason your current present is the way it is, and only through kindness, forgiveness and acceptance can you move towards making it better. Or move towards trading your problems for better problems.

For instance, while writing this post out I did realise that maybe I don’t want too much success, or fame (even though I sometimes do fantasise about those things), because I do like having spare time to myself, and I do having a lot of my life to be private. I want to be more seen, yes, but perhaps not through fame.

I do want a relationship though, because I know I actually like the problems that come with it, I love the idea of doing emotional work with someone who’s as invested as you in building something real and deep. I really enjoy conflict resolution, I really enjoy getting creative with problems like compromise, etc. 

I do want to be a better writer and a better musician, because I do enjoy the process and the hard-parts of these things too. 

To sum it up, stay embodied, and take a look at the whole picture, from the present to the journey and then lastly, if you have time– at the goals themselves.