friends – untitled atm

110a – unhappy with the world

It’s only ten days into February but already a lot seems to have happened. Y and I celebrated a year of being together and that was super fun. We both ended up making a lot of hand-made gifts etc so it was really nice to be involved with all that for a few whole days. On 4th though we ended up consuming a very high dosage of cbd/thc edibles which led to an incredibly terrible experience, albeit a major learning one.

I just realised yesterday that it’s such a privilege to have even a few people who read this regularly. I was thinking about a friend of mine who genuinely reads most of my posts and it feels so nice to be seen and known. I feel like if I talk about a thing ten times it also makes it so clear to the people I know how I really feel about said thing. I suppose it can be hard to remember sometimes but this blog helps really drive some points home.

Ooh, I finally decided to go ahead and book the damn flights to the US. Despite the dread, I am super excited to see my sis and my nephew! I’ll plan ahead a bit this time and attempt to make the flights more bearable, but let’s see.

I’ve been playing a lot of Colonist lately (again) but it seems like I may have lost my edge— I’m losing a lot, lol.

I’d like to get back to work sometime soon, the financial anxiety keeps eating at me. But I’m not a 100% sure if I’m like desperate enough to do “anything” or whether I still have preferences about what kind of work I want to do. I think, the latter.. but then the financial anxiety eats at me too.

It feels like everyone who’s in tech just wants to do AI related things, and I feel like I just can’t get myself to be onboard with it. Everything about AI related tools and hacks and solutions goes against the core of what I like— ie enjoying the process, enjoying the micro-work. How are people enjoying this? What is this all about? I don’t get it. Why is productivity and efficiency and optimisation the goal? I mean I get it, I kind of do, of course if you’re a business you’d want to increase efficiency and optimisation, but ugh.. I don’t “really” get it. I suppose I just don’t vibe with capitalism anymore. (Or late stage capitalism, as some people have told me, which is the version of capitalism that has completely ruined some of our lives).

There’s very few companies that I can actually see myself working for, everything else is just something I can’t get onboard with, yet. I hate the idea of “marketing myself”, I absolutely hate it. Perhaps this means that I should focus on skill building so that eventually I can start something of my own. If it’s mine, I can run it the way I want, and perhaps I’ll even see the benefits of AI, then.

Sorry, this got quite venty, though I’m pleased, because sometimes I don’t vent enough because there’s a part of me that feels the urge to do “research” before I vent. But then that stops me from expressing any thoughts and opinions at all. So, yeah. There it is: I detest late-stage capitalism, the current job market and more than everything else, I detest what AI seems to be doing to the world.

Hope y’all are well, xx

109a – december blues (contd)

Crazy couple of weeks. I have a nephew now! Feels pretty surreal, I suppose it won’t really sink in until I go meet him. Attended a couple of weddings, met a lot of people. Did realise (or re-realise) that I weddings are a lot for me, mentally and emotionally, and yeah, like I’ve mentioned before, seriously reconsidering how much more of this I can continue to do on a yearly basis.

The next few days are pretty busy, socially, still, and that’s okay. Perhaps I’m even looking forward to continue to meet friends and spend time with them.

I do miss my sister and kind of want to visit her in Jan/Feb, but I really absolutely detest the longass flight, so I suppose we’ll see.

January is really going to be about planning moving. It’s a bit stressful but honestly definitely looking forward to moving out of Delhi. It’s become a lot. Plus a change of scenery would really be nice.

I have an updated opinion on road-trips— I used to think they’re pretty exhausting and stressful, but I’ve realised that opinion was formed primarily because I used to mostly travel with family, and their opinions and energy would affect me a lot. Traveling with friends (or basically people you feel safe with) is quite different and as long my agency is not super-compromised, road-trips can be fun too.

Lots of stuff to process still, but I’m finding myself unable to write freely. I don’t know what it is exactly. Expression seems somewhat pointless these days. I think AI everywhere has got me a bit bummed about everything. I realised that people around me have integrated AI tools heavily into their lives, and I don’t know why that makes me so uneasy. Am I going to become one of those old boomers who’re always on about the perils of technology and get “left behind”? Is there value to my feelings of resistance or is it just change of any sort that I’m fearing? I’m not sure, I also don’t know where to begin introspection on this topic.

So much to do and yet such little motivation to do those things. I’m also not sure what my social values are— I find myself losing some connections and although part of me is okay with it, there is also a part of me which wonders if I’ll regret this later.. not very sure.

December is weird, that’s for sure. Anyway, I should probably just figure dinner and then get on with the day, whatever’s left of it.

Cheers, folks xx

099a – reflective

Haven’t written for over a week. It’s been a decent one, for the most parts. Delhi summers is quite exhausting, however. Not sure how I feel about the coming two months. Realised today that my house lease ends sooner than I thought so that’s something I need to process, and then I also need to take some time out to decide whether or not I want to look for work anytime soon. I don’t know if I can handle (or cope with) two big rocks on my head.

Going to hang with friends tonight, looking forward to it, been a while. Have some friends visiting next week and also have a weekend trip planned towards the end of the month. Looking forward to both these things.

Relationship stuff has been pretty smooth so far, quite happy and grateful about that, don’t want to take that lightly.

My back has been aching for the whole week now— not sure I slept weird or whether it’s the age that’s starting to show up (haha). (Feel stupid to even laugh at this because part of me doesn’t want to make age-based jokes and part of me is genuinely worried whether age-based issues are going to start bothering me at this very (in many ways) young age.

I think I’m going to take out some time over the weekend and set some intentions for May! Feeling kind of excited about it so I’d love to make use of the energy.

Stopped writing this last night because I didn’t have a lot of time, but back at it today morning. Had a great night, unexpectedly fulfilling actually.

Woke up feeling a bit reflective today morning for some reason, and it made me realise that these days I feel like I have more memories already in my head (or my body or my heart, whatever) that I feel like I don’t have the space to go out and make new ones. I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day and she was sharing some memories of us from back when I was 2 or 3 (I had asked her if she remembers anything) and really, it was quite overwhelming (in a good way though). [Sidebar: I’m trying to find a word for this—ie overwhelming but in a good way but I can’t.]

The general theme from yesterday seems to be documentation and preservation. Even with the folks I hung out with, we were actually exchanging a lot of stories from our pasts.

This week I also complete a year to having moved from Amsterdam to Delhi. I hope I can find some time to reflect upon it all.

Of course, documentation ties this post up nicely too. Happy to be doing this, happy to be making notes. Happy to preserve and document and reflect on here so I can continue to make more memories, ie live more and live as much as I can.

Happy May, folks! xx

097a – health, pleasure and connection

The neighbours’ cat sits on the staircase landing one level below mine. I’m trying to lure it to come and meet me by waving some food in front of her. She’s been here before, she came and chilled inside my house too, but I’m not sure why she’s wary today. I decide to work from the desk near my door for the next couple hours though, I can keep an eye out for her from this position.

There are a couple things that I have to, absolutely have to get done today. Movement on chores and tasks has been slow but I really want to have a “productive” April.

Yesterday, I smoked up with a friend after many, many weeks and had a pretty good evening, until of course it became a bit hedonistic. I often find myself in that state of mind whenever I get high— and I’m not sure if I like that. I do feel like I tend to make unhealthy decisions in the pursuit and attainment of pleasure (especially when it comes to health) and I do think I’d like to change that, slowly if not right away. Something I realised yesterday though is that there’s a chance this is what’s one of the nicest thing about love and connection. That you can access and share depths (of your self and another) without having to resort to unhealthy things (like alcohol and drugs).

If I have systems and limits in place when it comes to unhealthy habits, I wouldn’t want to discard those systems even when I’m high. Or if I decide to get high, I would still need to know what my limits are with everything. The “rules” that I apply to myself have to be a little more universal. Maybe I do need to come up with specific, very specific rules for myself. Maybe that’s the only way at this point.

Health is, after all, a top-5 value of mine so I do need to act like it too.

I also feel a lot more of the need to be and feel seen when I’m high. Like I don’t necessarily want someone in my physical space but I do feel the need to share all my thoughts, everything that’s running through my head when I’m high. But this also made me realise that perhaps one of the antidotes to loneliness is the ability to separate these two somewhat related but not necessarily overlapping needs— ie the need for connection (the real, human, social need) and the need to be “more” seen. I think you can experience the latter even when all your social needs are met. So I think the latter comes from a bit of a pleasure-seeking place within us (for those of us who do experience this), because a lot of people are sufficiently satisfied and content when their social needs are met. But some of us (including me) do experience the second thing a lot more, I think we crave deep connection a lot more than others, and what deep connection means to us is this ability to share all of the “weird and crazy and unique” parts of ourselves that maybe we haven’t always been able to, in general settings and in mainstream settings.

I don’t know, maybe this is a bit rambly. I think my point is, it helps to break down the “social need” into exact terms— is it the basic need like for food when you’re hungry, or is it you craving dessert even when you’re full?

And post need-breakdown, I also think it’s important to remember and accept that not all parts of me need to be seen by and shared with someone else. I can witness some of them and that’s enough too. (And I don’t mean to come at this from a “cope” way at all, I genuinely think it can suffice).

I think I’m happy with this one. Hope y’all are doing well! Cheers xx

090b – intimacy and travel

There is something about leaning on people that feels incredibly rewarding. Intimacy is magical and every time you do something tough in the journey (asking for what you need or want, or something you’d like, or canceling plans with consideration)— you know it can go either way. It can strengthen a connection and add more “events” (data) to it or it can weaken it. Both outcomes are okay but it’s always fun to see where it goes.

I have been spending most of my time in other people’s spaces and lives, and slowly but steadily I allow my life to merge in their spaces, that’s quite fun too.

Today I spent my afternoon in a good friend’s room, he’s moved out of it but some of “him” was still around. I send him a picture of his desk and tell him I’m having fun and he tells me where the trees are if I’d like to improve the view. It was all quite nice. His desk was dusty and yet the afternoon light made it all quite romantic for me. Dusty surfaces in otherwise mostly clean spaces are an interesting little detail to me.

I visited a very old friend in her house in a far-off neighbourhood in the city and I was reluctant to go there, but the trip was quite worth it. I like seeing residential spaces and how different people have different lives. We talked about everything under the sun and I wondered when we’d meet again. In the past we’ve gone many years without meeting and I’m pretty comfortable with that too.

I haven’t been doing as much writing as I’d like to be doing but maybe I’m changing that right now.

We talk about how “if you wanted to, you could write about anything, really” but something stops us, still.

All (okay, most of) my friends are analytical as well as creative and I love that about them.

I was more careful of my energy this time though and I’m quite glad about that. I felt like I was able to balance self-preservation and getting “enough” out of travels pretty well.

Headed to Bombay tomorrow and spending three days there and although I was feeling like I’m done with traveling, I’m finding that I am looking forward to meeting some people. Pretty excited about that.

Also did some good amount of “exposure therapy” over the last few days which I’m happy and content about.

Indulgences though, ah. Back to tapering down from it now, hopeful I can keep at it.

I think getting any new ideas and or art (or cultural expansion) from any sort of traveling makes the travel (or other activities) very worth it. We clicked a lot of pictures, had some good food, recounted old stories, wrote new ones, and that’s more than I could ask for, I suppose.

That’s 90K words! Glad to be here. Don’t think I’d like to get away from this habit, really. I like documenting things, I like noting down how I feel about events and things happening in my life. I do find myself going back to reading these from time to time, which I think serves a nice little purpose for myself too.

085 – a break from doomscrolling

Happy with deactivating Instagram to be very honest. I’m realising it’s actually quite a waste to have your thought-process interrupted by social media. Of course, not all thoughts are interesting or useful, and I’ll be mindful of that, but from the chatter often come very interesting things, and that’s part of the skill-building I imagine, to find interesting things from a bunch of the noise. But for that I need to learn to tame and sort through the noise, not just quieten it down every time it starts to build.

I’m also happy with a little bit of the abundance mindset dating I’ve been doing (or trying to do lately). Simply put, dating more than a single person at a time. It’s really the only way I can emulate secure attachment at the moment.

Really want to get better at structured writing, or long-form writing, ie tying multiple related thoughts into a singular thing. I’m pretty meh at that right now. I used to think I have a lot of thoughts running through my brain ALL the time, but lately I feel like half of them are literally useless. I guess this is okay to realise, maybe that’s what growing up feels like. Or maybe that’s what a lot of word-vomiting allows me to get to. That I’m not as interesting as I thought. (And I don’t mean this in a self-deprecating way). Or maybe, that I need to put in more effort or work or focus-time to mould my thoughts into something “interesting”. Of course, that also opens up the question of what interesting is, really? I think I know this in my heart, though putting it out in words feels tedious, so I won’t attempt to do that right now.

Something that I’d been mulling over is the amount of time I want to be giving to maintenance of relationships etc, since I sometimes feel like there’s too many relationships to maintain lately and I don’t know if I can maintain them all. Of course, this doesn’t mean I want to “end” relationships or whatever, but just that sometimes it’s hard to make time for too many people in a single week, or a single month or whatever. There’s also that constant quality/quantity debate. Generally, over the last few years, what has worked okay for me is thinking of friendships and relationships in tier-forms. (I know a lot of people think this way and I think that works for me too). That I have some tier-1 friends (inner circle, etc) and a lot of tier-2 friends and then some tier-3 friends, etc. I’d also seen post by Casey Tanner about types of friendships and that was pretty cool as well because then you don’t have to “rank” friends in a way but you can still (for your self) define how important different people are to you. I can’t find the post right now but it was something along the lines of: close friends, lifelong friends, daily friends, dinner friends, party friends, affinity friends, family friends, etc etc”. I do have a lot of “affinity” friends for example. Queer friends, music friends, writing friends, self-growth friends. And these are important connections, but I wouldn’t necessarily hang out with them every week.

Anyway, I’d been mulling over how much time I can take out for social needs and whether I might just be over-indulging (ie continuing social interactions even after my social needs have been filled) and something I’m realising is that conversation is definitely something that I care about a lot. Conversation, when it goes well, has the power to move me in really unique ways. Conversation also allows me to test thoughts (and ideas) a lot better than anything else does. Sometimes I may have written a very simple word-vomit and even that allows me to be more articulate about my thoughts and feelings in conversation. Even about the simplest things. Basically coming to the conclusion that conversation is a great tool that runs parallel to writing. To that end, I don’t want to cut down my social time too much. I do think it contributes a LOT to creative work and growth, so I think it’s worth putting in the effort into it. And then again of course there’s the whole “you learn a lot of unexpected things from people”. Obviously, time is not infinite, so maybe I can’t just spend all my time with people (and obviously, my introversion will not allow for that either), but three good hangs in a week is something I can definitely strive for. At least for the next few months. I can always reevaluate once (when) I start working.

I’m up at 9:30 am today and feeling great, even though today’s a pretty chilly day as well. Good sleep, good food, good people around me, I suppose it’s all quite nice. Feeling pretty grateful, too.

I have a feeling reducing social media will also help me make more time for all the admin tasks I generally detest so much. Man, I’m feeling quite excited about this break! I might be romanticising it a little bit (lol) but I think that’s okay. If the benefits actually turn out to be that good, it’ll be very worth it. The main thing I’m doubting I think is whether it was even an addiction if it feels so easy to “quit”? I’m not sure, I guess we’ll find out. Will have to go back to the open question of understanding the addiction a lot better.

Alright, that’s it from me right now! Cheers xx

069a – passive writing, intentions for the week

I want to sleep before 4am today. Because I really want to wake up before noon tomorrow. Which means writing a word-vomit now, doing some reading and then literally just switching off the lights by 3:45am. Had some friends over today and realised I really care about them. One of them I was meeting after more than 6 months and he’s been going through a bit of tough time. Him getting me upto speed is when I realised how much I really felt for him.

I’ve been a bit triggered about lacking a romantic relationship over the last couple days so today was a bit of grieving the last person I dated. I thought I was mostly over them but today brought some new (old) inner feelings out, I guess. It’s been over a month since we ended things and I expected this much time to be enough for me to grieve. But maybe I need a few weeks more.

I’ve decided to purchase an electric and a semi-acoustic guitar soon but the research part of the purchases is not very fun.

I think I definitely want to complete 2 more songs before the end of this year. That’s doable, I think.

I haven’t taken a flight in a while. I think I’m missing the feeling. Even though flights and travel give me some anxiety, I think even WITH the anxiety, the overall feeling is nice and interesting. Maybe I’ll go somewhere early December.
I guess I used to think the net feeling in a moment is the “sum” of your positive and negative feelings but I think it’s not really that. It’s not [happiness minus anxiety = less happiness]. It’s just (happiness, anxiety). This is actually quite interesting to me. (#epiphanies)

This word-vomit is slow because I keep getting distracted. I’m really tired today though I don’t know why. I’ve slept enough and I didn’t do much. Maybe it’s just that. I didn’t do anything refreshing.

Do I really not have any thoughts at the moment? How is that possible?

I have many tasks to do this week, most of which I’m not looking forward to. So, then, what am I looking forward to, if not those tasks? How can I make this week a bit nice? There’s an open-mic I could sign up for potentially, but I don’t know what songs I’d want to sing. Okay yes, I think I can do this. It’s a task that’s the right amount of challenging, plus it’ll also be nice to move towards my medium-term goal of doing ten open-mics by the mid of next year. It’s also at this queer/mixer event type thing so it could potentially be nice to meet some new people, and I’ve been meaning to find ways to do that anyway.

I want to get back to 1000-word posts because I think more stuff comes out when you write 1000-word posts as opposed to shorter ones, so yeah– that’s something I’ll probably start doing soon. I’ve also decided I’m not switching to substack until I’ve written 10-long posts/essays that I’m actually satisfied with (where the satisfaction rating is at least a 7/10). Alright, these conclusions feel good.

068b – diwali but this post is barely about diwali

It’s been a busy three days. We’re celebrating Diwali here in India. I posted a bit already on Instagram about how it ended up being a bit too much for me, especially since I’m celebrating in India after six whole years. It’s mostly over, but I’ve been thinking of regret and “fomo” a lot. On Friday, I was sensing increasing anxiety about the festival, the parties, the firecrackers etc and I was wondering why I wasn’t able to surrender to it all. I was also wondering if I would regret it later, whether I would miss not spending enough time with the family and friends around me while I have them.

But I’ve been thinking about the last few years, and while I did miss spending time with family/friends when I wouldn’t get to see them for many months, I don’t think I’ve missed “big” events too much.

But I’ve also been thinking of this all from the sensitivity lens, and I wonder when things got so intense. Like I don’t remember being bothered too much by loud noises, events, overstimulation etc when I was a kid.

I think part of it has to do with our collective lowkey-obsession with our physical forms, which always seems to increase around events etc. Now, I do understand why some people like to dress up, etc, but I think there is a bit of an expectation for everyone to do it, and that is what I’m not too fond of. I specifically remember times in my life where I’ve actually really enjoyed events— and those were times where the people I was hanging with weren’t too form-obsessed, where we were doing a lot more than just clicking pictures, commenting on each other’s outfits, etc.

I did also get a haircut yesterday that I didn’t end up liking (and I miss my longish hair) so maybe that’s got me a bit annoyed as well.

Talking to my sister about everything really helps though. We spoke after almost 4-5 days today and it’s nice that we’re now able to put some gaps between interactions. (Since our phone calls tend to get pretty long and hence time-consuming). We’ve actually been weirdly in sync about life stuff over the last couple months. We were going through what felt like slumps throughout August and September and somehow came out of them together as October came around.

I often wonder what the point of these journal-entries-like word-vomits is (ie is there a point to making them public?)— and I’m going to come back to this question soon. Sometimes I feel like I’m being lazy when I write these. But let’s see, I want to have sufficient reasons to why I’m doing this in public. I know I had reasons when I’d started but lately I can’t remember them. Or be convinced by them. I know they hold value for me— more on that later— but I want to be sure of the reasons why I’m doing this in public. Otherwise it’s just vulnerability for vulnerability’s sake and I don’t necessarily need that in my life at the moment.

I feel better now, though. Man, making space for all the unpleasant thoughts in your brain feels so good.

062b – grief is not generous

Everything feels a little different now. The news of Matthew Perry’s death is hitting hard. I read the news in the morning and went back to sleep, hoping I’d wake up to a different reality.

I rarely feel this way about celebrity deaths (Matt Haig states the same sentiment in one of his very fresh posts). In fact he’s already expressed some of the things I’m feeling today / right now so maybe this is repetitive to anyone’s who’s reading this. But it doesn’t matter.

I rarely feel this way about celebrity deaths but maybe Friends was different. Even when I’d made real, made-to-last friendship bonds, Friends was still precious. Our friendships deepened over long character and episode discussions and many, many rewatches of them.

In school, I’d relate to Chandler a lot.

This May, I saw the reunion movie (after a long break from the series) on a flight to Bangalore, which I was on to visit my college friends, after a sufficiently long gap. I told them when I met them how fitting it was that we (well, most of us anyway) were all obsessed with this show during college and now here I was watching the reunion movie almost a decade later since we first became friends.

It’s all a lot.

I know a lot of people I know are feeling a lot. But I don’t know why that’s not making any of this easier.

I suppose grief has a way of taking all your attention, all your resources. Grief is not generous, I’m realising.

There’s also other contexts of the world (or our own personal lives, in many cases) that we cannot ignore. But we must grieve each story, each loss: whether we do it individually or separately is upto the feeler of said feelings.

Or maybe “big specific deaths” also bring into focus the fragility of life. You get tense about the things you haven’t done, the stories you haven’t told, the people you haven’t spent enough time with, the grudges you haven’t let go of yet, the nice things you haven’t said to the people you want to appreciate, all of that. And yet, will you change? Will you take the courage to do even a little bit of everything you haven’t done? I’m going to do it. I’m going to write love-letters (or e-mails) to all the important people in my life today. Or at least, as many as I can.

October seems like it’s becoming the season of goodbyes.

Wake me up when October ends, I think?

053a – my relationship with envy

So, something (an emotion) I’ve struggled with for a while now is envy. Obviously, the comparison reflex hits most of us sometime during school, and that’s when I developed it as well. Part of it is of course societal conditioning, but part of it might be biological too, I’m guessing. Biology does make us compete, since we’re limited people vying for limited resources. Or at least, we were. Resources and attention are not limited in the same way they were earlier. (They are limited in many ways, but I think that’s a separate discussion.)

So anyway, I know theoretically, I don’t need to be envious of my friends who’re in great relationships, because I’m not competing for the attention of the people they’re dating. Or I don’t need to be envious of someone who has their life sorted, because that is most likely not affecting my capacity to sort my own life.

And yet, the envy does come up. I think part of it is just that it’s a reminder of the parts of my life I’m not necessarily satisfied with. Like the two things I most commonly feel envy around are

1. Being single and
2. People having geographic clarity

Another that sometimes comes up is related to my avoidance behaviours (wrt my anxiety), so if I see someone having a lot of fun and living their “best” life in terms of doing whatever they seemingly want, I do experience some envy there as well.

So, yes, the envy exists even when I know it doesn’t need to. Now, what I have gotten better at, is letting it exist. I don’t feel bad about it, I don’t try to resist it, I don’t shame myself for it, etc. So, I think I have become more accepting of it over the last couple years. Which.. I’m pretty happy with. At least I don’t feel a ton of turmoil about the envy. But of course, that’s just step 1. There’s a step 2 and step 3 here.

Step 2: would be, I think, to act in the best way possible once the envy has passed. For example currently I’ve been unable to call and catchup with a friend who told me she’s getting married because I’m just worried I’ll feel things I’m not ready to feel. Like, of course I’m very happy for her, it’s just that the envy is blocking me a little bit from accessing the happiness and all the other “good” emotions. But now that I’ve addressed this, I think I can do it.

Step 3: of course, would be, to tame the comparison reflex. To tell myself the comparison is unnecessary whenever I find myself doing it. Eventually, I hope the envy will reduce as well.

To summarise, envy is natural, and is completely valid from time-to-time. Mostly, it’s just signalling something in my life I’m not happy with, even though it may not directly be related to this other person’s news. I’ve gotten decent at experiencing envy, I don’t feel second-layer emotions about it. But what I want is for the envy to not block my access to the other more “positive” emotions. And lastly, I want to cut down on the (involuntary) comparison thought-pattern, so that I can reduce the envy at the root.