fun – untitled atm

108a – questions, questions

Had a lowkey depressing week. Finally stepped out and grabbed coffee with a friend and that feels like a game changer. Good friendships are so important, they can remind us that we’re not completely worthless. A good friend feels like a portal to the world— the world that’s sometimes too scary to look at without that portal.

The main reason I’ve been low is because of some hurdles in my creative process. I was diving full on into music production and it was really fun too, until I realised I wasn’t quite happy with what I’d made. And of course, that’s part of the process, but I was hit with all sorts of realisations. Some of them being:

I have, subconsciously, been a bit impatient about wanting results. I put some deadlines on myself— the deadlines are good to get work done— but I need to remember the deadlines are arbitrary. If I’m not happy with something, that’s okay, I can take my time to figure out what I want, instead.

Okay that’s actually just one primary realisation. But secondly, I feel like my inner critic is just quite loud these days. The feeling of not being good enough for the things I want to do.. stops me from doing anything at all. I suppose our inner critic is one of the biggest threats to our creativity.

Anyway, enough of this self-wallowing self-pity type sentiments. I really want to do something fun. I’ll figure out what after I write this word-vomit.

What’s something fun I can do that’s not motivated by results or external factors? I don’t know, actually. I’ve been spending so much time with “music” so that doesn’t feel like it would be fun today. I need a change, I need something different. This word-vomit helps, of course.. but it’s not enough. I’m really enjoying playing an MMO game called Travian these days, but that’s not enough either. I guess it’s safe to say I’m a little lonely too, since Y is away at her place.

I don’t know, I’m also feeling quite restless. Not sure what it is. Maybe I’m hungry. Ugh, the human body is quite a pain to maintain.

I suppose there are things I can do with my time, even though maybe part of me doesn’t feel like doing them. There are people I need to text back, there are todo lists to make, there is digital organisation to be done.. but perhaps those tasks don’t feel tempting enough.

Well, I did some singing and that felt nice, even though my vocal cords have been fried lately.. due to various reasons. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.

Something I’m struggling with “in music” is whether to focus more on improving my singing or my instrumental skills. Not very sure about this, hopefully time will give me the answers, but it hasn’t so far, so.. I don’t really know.

Anyway— questions, questions. Always, so many open questions.

Hope y’all had a lovely November! xx

082b – seriousness

Thinking about meaning and usefulness lately.

re: meaning

Lately I’m realising I do like assigning meaning to things. (I mean, I’ve always known this but it’s only lately I’m realising how automatic, strong and frequent this process is for me.) Obviously, this contradicts a little bit with mindfulness, and I’m still not sure how much I must allow myself to extract meaning out of events. Sometimes I think that we do have roles to play in this world, because otherwise there isn’t a point.

Or if life or sentience is even, simply put, a random occurrence, even then, if assigning meaning to it makes it easier for me— then why not?

I suppose it is only the “attachment” to the meaning (whatever that is for you) that might make it a problem. I guess, if we can practice connected detachment, then meaning can probably serve as a good guiding star.

What is the problem, then? I suppose the problem is it’s hard to keep a check on how far you can constantly get lost in the narrative. If you don’t keep your meaning-assigning-parts in check, or if you don’t regularly question them, or put them through scrutiny filters, you might end up away from awareness.

Okay, where is all this coming from?

I was having a discussion with some people and someone claimed that “life shouldn’t be too serious” and I think I got somewhat triggered by that statement. I went on a bit of speech on how “life is serious, actually” and how there’s wars happening and how people aren’t being nice and kind to each other and all of that is serious. But now that I recognise that maybe that’s not what that person was claiming at all, I suppose, I need to apologise to them. (Oops)

But I do feel strongly about how humanity needs to be better. I don’t know what this is exactly but I clearly need to explore this more, otherwise I might get keep getting triggered every time someone says anything along the lines of “life isn’t that serious”.

Of course, I recently came across this which I’m planning to read soon because it might be helpful for me. And something I read probably from the same essay was that the trick is to “not take your self too seriously but it’s okay to take your work seriously” and that does resonate with me a lot. I’ve now accepted that my work isn’t about me necessarily but I am the vessel that’s doing the work and for me to do it well it makes sense that I would take it seriously. Even if I’m having fun, I tend to be serious about having fun, if that makes any sense at all. And maybe another thing to remember is that people just function differently, maybe “taking things lightly” allows some people to live an easier life— and that’s okay— but for them to generalise this for everyone is what I don’t necessarily like.

So, I suppose part of the problem is just accepting that I am a serious person and I do take “life” and the world and many things that we have in front of us seriously. Whatever that means, really.

I’ll talk about usefulness another time, I don’t feel like getting into it at the moment.

Happy last day of 2023, I hope you don’t resist whatever comes your way 🙂

080b – missions

I’ve been finding things that feel really great and authentic to myself. Missions, I think I could call them. At least, at the moment. Things I’m passionate about, in other words.

Art— this has been consistent for a while now. More of writing, more of music. Write more, sing more, learn to play more instruments. Learn to play instruments better. Learn to sing better. Do more of original writing and original songwriting until it starts to feel like I don’t like or enjoy it.
Healing, meeting my inner self— this has developed over the last couple months. I’m finding that there’s a lot more “experiencing of my soul” that I want to be doing, and that is aligned with one of my biggest values ie authenticity. Only by knowing yourself can you learn to “be” yourself.
Creating and accessing more safe spaces— for myself and others. I find that I really like it when someone tells me they feel safe around me. It feels special. And I feel called to do more of this.
Courage over convenience— what does this mean? I don’t know yet, maybe I mean “whenever possible, courage over convenience”. Of course we don’t want to be reckless and idealistic in a self-destructive way, but in steps, we want to be making the courageous choice as opposed to the convenience choice.
Play, fun, beauty— @britchida says that play is the opposite of survival mode. So of course when things are tough, I will not be engaging in play as much. However, whenever I can, I want to be leaning towards play and fun and beauty. And of course this ties with #1 because art is the one space where I can be playful and have fun even when I’m in survival mode (emotionally, at least).
Sustainability— this is of course the realist and rational part of me that wants to ensure that I approach life from a grounded place. I am at heart a romantic and a dreamer but I need to be an adult, I cannot operate like a child. Sustainability is going to be about that. About not being reckless. About remembering to think things through. Whatever that would mean to me.
Learning— this is another top 5 value of mine. I enjoy learning, I enjoy being good at things. It’s not about validation from other people (though of course I can’t deny that that’s enjoyable too) but it’s more about the kind of doors that can open for you. But that’s secondary, I also just like being good at the things that I enjoy doing, it’s just an inherent thing. I like the processes, I just like learning and deep-diving into certain subjects and gathering more knowledge about them. This also ties to why I like people— because you can learn a lot from people. In ways that you wouldn’t from books and the internet, I think. (I want to write more about this, actually, because it might be important to think more about “what” I want to focus my learning abilities on).

And that’s 80k words! December was a little slow with writing but that’s okay I think. There’s still 10 more days to do more of what I like. Sometimes I feel like I just want the words to keep flowing and never stop. Maybe this will be another thread.

Cheers xx

078b – rest and recovery

Fun, beauty and truth. Maybe just incorporating enough of these elements in a sustainable way is what I need to be doing for this chapter of my life. It’s been incredibly difficult over the last two weeks and yet, I know that I’ve faced difficult life situations before and why should this be any different? Or even if it is, it doesn’t mean I can’t face it.

Writing and music are the two things I can still do while nothing else makes sense, so here I am.

I’ve started anxiety medication again (the last time I tried them was in 2021) and I don’t know why but my body seems to be resisting them a bit. Obviously I’ll discuss this with therapist and psychiatrist but regardless wanted to note down this feeling.

My biggest worry with medication has always been whether it can hamper my creativity (since overall toned down feelings could potentially reduce my motivation to “express”), but in the past that wasn’t the case. I’m hoping that’s not going to be the case this time as well.

When I started the “what do I like to do” question journey, something I would constantly tell myself is that it’s okay to not know. I wonder why I’m not able to tell that to myself when it comes to the gender question also? Gender is going to be such a complex thing, how can I possibly know in a month or two? I need to be open and patient with myself as I address this question.

Of course, I might need a lot of help, from people who aren’t even in my universe yet, so I need to make actionable tasks for how I can possibly find this help, support and resources that I might need.

If being alive is the ultimate creative act, maybe it’s okay to take my time as I figure out what I want “me” and “my life” to look like.

But yes, I do feel some apathy towards my form which I’m obviously not very happy about.

How to approach open questions sustainably, then, becomes an important question.

When I had a lot of work stress I asked my manager if I could take a week off. Maybe right now I just need a week off from personal stuff. From everything. Maybe I just want a week off from thoughts and feelings. I suppose that’s okay too. Because survival over truth, at the moment.

Yes, I think it makes sense to want rest, physical and mental. I’m just going to take it easy till Sunday. Do the bare minimum, and not push myself. Maybe focus on food and rejuvenation.

Alright looks like we have a plan, onward!

054a – life is tough but i’m having a lot of fun

Thoughts have gotten a little tough since the first of the month.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I moved to an apartment a few days ago, and transitioning + the amount of maintenance work to be done has completely killed the little productivity I had in me. I don’t know whether I had unrealistic expectations wrt moving, like maybe realistic expectations would have been accepting that adjustment does take some time, regardless of how comfortable or convenient you might have imagined the setup to have been.

My parents have been quite helpful with the move actually, and that for some reason has been introducing some guilt in me as well. Even though part of why I’d originally picked Delhi over other cities (like Mumbai or Bangalore) was literally that I have more support and resources available here. Not sure why then, when it comes to leaning on the support and resources, I feel conflicted. It might partly be because I’m more used to leaning on friends, etc. and maybe a part of me somewhere believes I need to be more “independent” as an adult. Maybe I feel like it’s kiddish to lean on parents for support. Part of me just feels guilty for taking their time and energy on things I can (I think) do by myself, even if I’d probably do them much slower if I were completely on my own.

Essentially, August feels like it’s not going to be very productive in terms of personal goals etc. (This may not end up being true, but currently it feels that way). Although I know that moving by itself was a big personal goal, so maybe— just maybe— it might be fine if I don’t “achieve” other things this month.

I do have a few music goals I still want to try to achieve this month, however. Main problem is they’re dependent on me having a decent work-setup (with a desk and mic). Maybe I can prioritise that this coming week.

I came to my parents’ house for the weekend and earlier was very annoyed at the prospect (thinking it’ll take away my whole weekend and that I have things to do etc) but it’s actually been quite nice. The fact that I’m here writing this post because I finally maybe feel “comfortable” enough to write is also saying something. It’s saying that I do need to make sure to get the setup I need as soon as possible. I’ll also get to do a drums class tomorrow so that’ll be nice, hopefully.

I feel like I’ve been focused on the fun stuff more than anything, and that’s the primary reason I’ve been feeling guilt about productivity etc. Like I’m legit enjoying life a lot at the moment (even with all its tough parts), but that makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Like.. I don’t deserve this, for some reason. I don’t know, maybe I can focus more on this in the next post. Can’t get into the whole thing right now. Should sleep.

052b – forward-looking

I’m up at 5am like I usually am these days and figured it might be good time for a word-vomit. I have a few updates as well so might be nice to get this out.

Finally found a house! It’s a little heavier on the wallet than I’m completely okay with but the location is probably the best I could have imagined getting, and it comes with a sweet terrace, which I’m very excited about. I’m a little skeptical about the natural lighting, but hoping it won’t be a big problem. Hoping the outdoor space will make up for it. Excited to move soon and hang all my art on the walls.

Finally did my first music open mic last week! It went decently well, the nerves didn’t show up as much as I expected them to, my voice held up, and the audience was sufficiently engaged as well. I ended up having a bad hair day on the day of— a couple years ago this would have driven me crazy, and maybe even made me cancel, but none of that happened— so that’s a lot of progress as well. Of course, this was just the first one, and I’d love to do a few more of these to get a sense of how much I enjoy it. But so far, so good.

I started drums classes! I’ve just had two so far but they’ve been super fun. It’s challenging in a great way, and this is the first time in many years that I’m being super impatient about just getting to do something. Like I’ve always been a student who values theory and techniques etc a lot but this is the first time I find myself getting bored by whatever the instructor tells me and I find myself just wanting to play right away. But I’m quite happy to notice this, since it’s very different for me, and I do think doing is actually a better way to learn than all the theory in the world.

I’ve been working on an original composition with a friend and when we met a couple weeks earlier we pretty much nailed down most of it. Now we’re stuck on the “recording” phase, but I’m excited to do this soon and actually release the song as soon as we can!

Overall, I’m feeling pretty excited about all things music, so that’s been nice.

Three months of my break+move are about to come to an end soon, which kinda bums me out a little bit because it reminds me how fast time flies when you’re having fun. It also bums me out because another three months and then I’ll genuinely have to think about some of the hard questions I’m allowing myself not to think about much right now. ie jobs and money etc.

This break was a great decision. And I’m realising today that phases and times like these don’t come by that easily, so I’m going to try to cherish it as much as I can!

Onward 🙂