Tag: future

069b – morning pages + the need to zoom out + finding balance

Want to write a quick word-vomit before I start my day for real. I’m waiting for some groceries to be delivered after which I can make my morning coffee, then I call my sister to wish her happy birthday. 

I have enough tasks to be working on today and I have to go out in the afternoon for a chore which I’m almost excited about it. Planning to soak in some sun (however little/much we get lately) and maybe get a coffee from Third Wave on the way back. I’ve also asked friends if they want to get dinner later tonight so we’ll see whether or not that happens. 

I also have some house chores to do within today and tomorrow and I’m going to make sure I do get them done. 

A thought I’m struggling with is that I’ve been happy to take things (goals, productivity) at my pace (which can be considered a little slow) and although I’m very happy with the pace in the present, part of me wonders if future me might regret not getting “enough” done during this time, because I was “too easy” on myself? I know it’s unlikely that I will feel this way, because I know from experience that the decisions you take for present “real” happiness are never ones you can regret. And if at all we do feel regret, it’s coming from the lack of something else. For example, on certain days lately I almost regret not doing more of music and art even alongside my job, ie over the last 5-6 years. But then, that’s coming from a place of “oh I could have been better at it by now” or “oh I could have a greater chance at “success” by now, if I had”. But it’s important to remember that I do navigate the “present” with decent awareness, and I was doing the best I could with the knowledge that I had. 

This is all fair for the past, but the question still remains. I plan to discuss a zoomed out version of my plan and intentions and this conflict a bit more in therapy, and I need to write-up a summary of all of it to share with therapist so that she can review it before our session. I plan to write that today, I imagine it’ll also give me some reassurance. 

Struggling with developing songs lately though, and since that is my primary goal at the moment I need to find some more inputs on it all. I think I need to watch more tutorials, lessons and practice scales. Yes, I suppose I can focus on that today and tomorrow. 

I think finding balance on everything is the hardest part of our lives. It can literally be the “one” guideline to follow if you have no other guidelines to follow. (One of my friends had actually said this many years ago too, and I think she’s right). But it’s so fucking tricky. How do you balance self-compassion, laziness and “desire” and courage? How do you balance self-love and the search for love? How do you balance freedom with your responsibilities? It’s all quite tough. Maybe I need to make a list of everything I feel like I’m balancing so that I can review this better. I feel some tension stir up inside me as I write this which means I need to explore this more.

I feel a time-crunch upon me right now and part of me doesn’t want to stop writing but it’s also good practice for when sometimes I do need to “ignore” my feelings for a bit when the world and/or duty (or coffee) calls. So I’m going to do just that. Write later!

052b – forward-looking

I’m up at 5am like I usually am these days and figured it might be good time for a word-vomit. I have a few updates as well so might be nice to get this out. 

Finally found a house! It’s a little heavier on the wallet than I’m completely okay with but the location is probably the best I could have imagined getting, and it comes with a sweet terrace, which I’m very excited about. I’m a little skeptical about the natural lighting, but hoping it won’t be a big problem. Hoping the outdoor space will make up for it. Excited to move soon and hang all my art on the walls.

Finally did my first music open mic last week! It went decently well, the nerves didn’t show up as much as I expected them to, my voice held up, and the audience was sufficiently engaged as well. I ended up having a bad hair day on the day of— a couple years ago this would have driven me crazy, and maybe even made me cancel, but none of that happened— so that’s a lot of progress as well. Of course, this was just the first one, and I’d love to do a few more of these to get a sense of how much I enjoy it. But so far, so good. 

I started drums classes! I’ve just had two so far but they’ve been super fun. It’s challenging in a great way, and this is the first time in many years that I’m being super impatient about just getting to do something. Like I’ve always been a student who values theory and techniques etc a lot but this is the first time I find myself getting bored by whatever the instructor tells me and I find myself just wanting to play right away. But I’m quite happy to notice this, since it’s very different for me, and I do think doing is actually a better way to learn than all the theory in the world. 

I’ve been working on an original composition with a friend and when we met a couple weeks earlier we pretty much nailed down most of it. Now we’re stuck on the “recording” phase, but I’m excited to do this soon and actually release the song as soon as we can! 

Overall, I’m feeling pretty excited about all things music, so that’s been nice. 

Three months of my break+move are about to come to an end soon, which kinda bums me out a little bit because it reminds me how fast time flies when you’re having fun. It also bums me out because another three months and then I’ll genuinely have to think about some of the hard questions I’m allowing myself not to think about much right now. ie jobs and money etc. 

This break was a great decision. And I’m realising today that phases and times like these don’t come by that easily, so I’m going to try to cherish it as much as I can! 

Onward 🙂