growth – untitled atm

110b – back home

Welp. Back from an exhausting trip to Goa. Being away from home for 10 days can be a lot for me and it’s been a while since I’ve done that, though this time I didn’t feel that intense longing for home I generally do on the 7th or 8th day. So I suppose that’s pretty cool. I practiced riding a 2-wheeler— something I’ve been wanting to do since AGES. It was also fun to see how comfortable I’m sharing space with Y for a significantly long period of time (10 days is a lot for the both of us!), and I think it was quite decent!

I did get sick in the middle for around two days (had to get a rabies shot since a young doggo (accidentally) bit me and the shot causes fever as a side-effect), and since we were living in a bit of a “foresty” area, we even spotted a langur on one of the afternoons. “Spotted” is an understatement actually, it came into our balcony while we were in the living room— luckily, we saw it in time and managed to close the balcony door before it could come inside. So, in terms of “wildlife” the trip was lowkey adventurous lol. But apart from that things were mostly good!

This trip was also supposed to be a test trip because we’ve been considering moving to Goa in a couple months. Wrt that, I do have certain concerns: the weather (it was VERY humid and I imagine the monsoons won’t be easy either), safety (we definitely didn’t feel very safe walking out at night post 10pm), healthcare and other emergencies (there were no hospitals within a 3km radius of where we were staying, and even if there was one— you’re completely reliant on your own vehicle to get to a place).. yeah I suppose that’s it.

Overall though, we did enjoy our time quite a lot and 10 days went by pretty easily. I do love the relaxed atmosphere and culture of the place, people are mostly quite nice and friendly, and the living expenses would be lesser than that of a city like, say, Delhi or Bangalore. So, yeah, I suppose we’ll see.

I’m glad to be back, in some ways, but both Y and I are feeling very exhausted since our flight yesterday was delayed by 4 hours and we only got home around 4am. If 10 days away from home weren’t enough, that’ll do it.

Overall, not feeling too inclined to “do” too much, I think I’m back to my “let’s just make time for people and experiences” phase for a bit, I’m not sure if I have the energy and motivation to do things (creative or otherwise).

So yeah I suppose I’ll just rest and recover over the weekend and then see how to structure the coming week. Don’t really have a ton of time to settle into anything here though, since I’m traveling again from 13-23rd. So we’ll see we’ll see. Anyway, that’s it from me really I think.

Happy March, folks! xx

109b – hello, 2025

A lot of things feel futile lately. Well, primarily, doing this. I don’t know what’s happening exactly, but a part of me feels like thinking about things is a bit.. meh.

What does feel not-futile, then? Spending time with people I love, for one. That feels worthwhile.

As I write, though, I’m suddenly remembering why this used to feel important. It used to be (and probably still is) important because it allows me to process everything faster. And the faster I process things, the more time I have for the things that actually matter— like the people I love.

I finally got around to making some calls and replying to texts that had been on my backlog for a while. It felt quite nice. I like it when friends show up for the hard conversations, even if they don’t always show up perfectly.

A lot of things feel futile though, like planning for stuff. I have to move at the end of this quarter but we’re “testing” the place first by traveling there for a bit, so it feels futile to plan anything beyond that. It’s scary, I’m not going to lie. I don’t like planning anyway but my anxiety always wants me to plan ahead. What I’m learning is that you can plan and plan but there’s always going to be things that fall through the cracks. It’s always a tough battle to balance planning the big things and taking it easy on the smaller ones or the other way round.

Anyway, my head hurts a bit these days even though I don’t think I’m doing too much screen time. I might need an eye check-up.

My sister’s had a baby a month ago and I feel major FOMO for not being able to see him. I wrote a whole blog post about it which I haven’t gotten around to posting.. for various reasons. But that’s not what this is about. I really want to see him! But I detest those long inter-continental flights. So I’m stuck in this major indecision paralysis and I feel like that’s been weighing quite heavily on me. When I was a kid, my friends and I used to regularly wish for teleportation machines because we didn’t have as much agency to travel whenever we’d feel like it. Now.. it feels like we have the agency, but it’s still not very easy to exercise it. So here I am, wishing for the goddamn teleportation machine.

I’ve been quite stagnant on work stuff, I feel like I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth for anything work-related lately. I’m tired, I really am. How the fuck does one prioritise the things that really need to get done? Job search is quite intimidating. I suppose I need to break it down into smaller tasks and goals.

It’s very interesting that my previous post was a lot about the same stuff that I’m complaining about right now— I suppose it makes sense that I’m feeling so blocked.

But January is over so I must set some intentions for February. Time keeps flying by, otherwise.

Happy 2025, folks!

108a – questions, questions

Had a lowkey depressing week. Finally stepped out and grabbed coffee with a friend and that feels like a game changer. Good friendships are so important, they can remind us that we’re not completely worthless. A good friend feels like a portal to the world— the world that’s sometimes too scary to look at without that portal.

The main reason I’ve been low is because of some hurdles in my creative process. I was diving full on into music production and it was really fun too, until I realised I wasn’t quite happy with what I’d made. And of course, that’s part of the process, but I was hit with all sorts of realisations. Some of them being:

I have, subconsciously, been a bit impatient about wanting results. I put some deadlines on myself— the deadlines are good to get work done— but I need to remember the deadlines are arbitrary. If I’m not happy with something, that’s okay, I can take my time to figure out what I want, instead.

Okay that’s actually just one primary realisation. But secondly, I feel like my inner critic is just quite loud these days. The feeling of not being good enough for the things I want to do.. stops me from doing anything at all. I suppose our inner critic is one of the biggest threats to our creativity.

Anyway, enough of this self-wallowing self-pity type sentiments. I really want to do something fun. I’ll figure out what after I write this word-vomit.

What’s something fun I can do that’s not motivated by results or external factors? I don’t know, actually. I’ve been spending so much time with “music” so that doesn’t feel like it would be fun today. I need a change, I need something different. This word-vomit helps, of course.. but it’s not enough. I’m really enjoying playing an MMO game called Travian these days, but that’s not enough either. I guess it’s safe to say I’m a little lonely too, since Y is away at her place.

I don’t know, I’m also feeling quite restless. Not sure what it is. Maybe I’m hungry. Ugh, the human body is quite a pain to maintain.

I suppose there are things I can do with my time, even though maybe part of me doesn’t feel like doing them. There are people I need to text back, there are todo lists to make, there is digital organisation to be done.. but perhaps those tasks don’t feel tempting enough.

Well, I did some singing and that felt nice, even though my vocal cords have been fried lately.. due to various reasons. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.

Something I’m struggling with “in music” is whether to focus more on improving my singing or my instrumental skills. Not very sure about this, hopefully time will give me the answers, but it hasn’t so far, so.. I don’t really know.

Anyway— questions, questions. Always, so many open questions.

Hope y’all had a lovely November! xx

107b – reflections (i am decently happy with my life)

I suppose I’m happy— even content— with life lately. There is something precious about solving life problems in your own way and at your own pace. I’ve been stuck with work stuff over the last couple months and although it was weighing pretty heavily on me, today feels different. Of course, in therapy yesterday, we discovered that I do need more structure and discipline to get on with the things that I want to get on with.

That is, I have a sufficient amount of freedom, but perhaps enjoying it would require me to work towards sustaining it. I’ve been worried, but only today I what it’s been about— I like my life so much that I don’t want it to change too much. I don’t want to go back to a 9-5. I don’t want to go back to coding for a living, not yet.

I’d prefer to continue to grow as a musician and a writer. Yes, that’s what I really want. And of course, I want that to continue, I’ll need to think about the financials of it all. But perhaps the way to do it is not— like I thought— to find part-time work right away, but to complete the things that I think I need to complete— before I can accept that I absolutely need to focus on the financials.

I’ve been struggling with sleep too but the last two days have been better. I’m up before sunrise today, but somewhat rested, and that’s progress too. Sleep has been a major issue for the majority of my life, but this time the “problematic phase” came after a much longer stable phase. I suppose, that’s progress too.

I turned 29 a few months ago and I don’t know if I got much time to reflect on it all. I feel the age, I do. There are aches in my body that persist for much longer than they probably should, without any real cause. But there is also a stability to my nervous system that I haven’t experienced for so long before. Of course, there are probably other factors involved in both of these things, but I think part of it is related to age. I don’t feel old though— I feel younger than I felt at, say, 26.

Anyway, reflections are fun, though my inner critic says it’s probably another way for me to procrastinate on the things I must be doing instead. But to my inner critic, I’ll say: my days generally go better when I begin them with some kind of writing, so that’s what I’m trying to manifest. A decent day.

As I think about ending this, worries start to pop up again. But I don’t want to get on that thought-train. I want to stay here. Here, in this reflective space. I suppose making a task list for the day would help. Yeah, so that’s what I’m going to go and work on, next.

106b – updates from nov events + music journey

Finally done with a big thing for November. Had a concert organised by the music school I go to— and though earlier it came with its fair share of bureaucratic icks— all in all, it ended up being pretty great. Thoroughly loved being on stage and participating in different songs with several instruments and vocals. I definitely felt significant anxiety before reaching the event venue and did question whether any of it is worth the anxiety— but the verdict is: yes, it is.

Was also doing a writing challenge thing which got done yesterday— we’re supposed to publish a poetry collection at the end of it, but I’m not very sure if I’ll end up doing that. Of course I’m happy that I wrote some new poems, and I’m kind of happy with everything I put together too, but not super happy with the cover, designs etc, so a bit unsure of whether I want to be putting this out. Let’s see.

I do feel a bit empty, like even though I don’t have a lot of creative energy this week, other things/tasks don’t really feel very exciting. [1] So, turns out the concert was something I was really looking forward to, and the practice sessions for it were something I liked filling my time with. This is worth noting. I think I would enjoy teaching music. It’s probably a good way to stay connected with something I like while also getting to help other people. But I probably need to grow my skillset a lot before I can do that. Not sure how to go about it, if at all.

I think I may want to go ahead and buy a drum-kit. I don’t know how to justify this purchase to myself, and obviously I can’t do it until the next year (since I’m thinking of moving, Q1 next year), but I think once I do move I’m going to go ahead and get one. I do want to fill my time with something I enjoy.

[1] That said, I did get back into songwriting a bit today and that feels fun! I do enjoy making up melodies and writing lyrics to them.

I’m supposed to begin an internship of sorts this month but I’m not quite looking forward to it anymore. Part of me feels like I should just do it— well, catching myself using the word “should”, so.. perhaps I don’t really want to do it. I’ll wait a day or two for the person to respond to me, and if they don’t I suppose I can just back out of it. I’ll let the universe decide this for me. (That’s scary, but I think that’s the only way for now since I don’t really have a strong opinion here).

Anyway.. that’s it for now I think. Happy November, folks! xx

102a – august slipped away

Haven’t been able to journal as much as I want to.. not sure what’s up. Y and I finally made a cover yesterday finally after many weeks of procrastination and delay on it. That did feel quite nice, I must admit. We also sang a bunch of other songs which also made me feel quite nice, I really enjoyed the process and the results too. I thoroughly like and enjoy the image of me that plays the keys, I feel quite at home in that image. In this, I also feel quite away from all the gender stuff (in the best ways).

Going to volunteer today for this skill-training session being hosted by an organisation I’ve been in touch with. Not sure what to expect but let’s see. I’ve met the people before and I wanted to reconnect with them anyway so this should be a good chance to do that.

I keep getting distracted even as I write this, and I’m not sure how to focus. It’s probably hunger and chores though, some more important than the other— I’ll put the rice on the stove and be right back.

Welp, I didn’t end up completing this yesterday but here I am.

Traveling in four more days, anxiety is quite active. I’m also turning 29 soon, hope I get some time tomorrow to do some reflections.

Y just sent me a cover of a song she made and I’m so amazed by how talented she is. Musically, of course, but in so many other ways too. Travel’s been hard this past quarter because long distance with her (even for a few weeks) has proved to be kind of tough– but hopefully we’re getting stronger from it all.

I come back mid-september and I’m going to fully prioritise job search etc. In some ways I’m almost looking forward to it actually.

The other day I got kind of triggered because my music instructor kind of coerced me to sit for some additional time and “practise” but I really really wasn’t planning to and didn’t want to. I did leave as soon as I realised how much I didn’t want to do what was being asked of me, but it took me a good couple hours to properly recover.

I’d like to lean into my ambitious side a little more for the remaining year. I know I have a strong one, but I’ve kind of compartmentalised it in favour of peace and rest. Which was quite valid, fair and much needed but I think I feel ready to be “doing” a little more.

Gender dysphoria has been a bit present this week, I do need more guidance and resources with it, but— well— can only do so much on a given day.

These days I find myself stunned by how talented, skilled and creative people are in the world. It’s nice to stay in touch with all that of course, keeps one grounded, and is also inspiring, but I’m still recovering from how much people are slaying at very ripe young ages like early twenties.

Anyway, that’s it this week. Hope yall have a great end to August! xx

101b – august + restarting writing here

Starting these again. I haven’t been writing as much as I want to and I know for sure it’s because I stopped doing these. Substack just doesn’t suffice because I feel like I want to post only specific kinds of pieces over there. I do need a space to just word-vomit, really, can’t go around calling it anything else.

Have been feeling a bit unfulfilled and dissatisfied with the work (or the lack thereof) in life lately. I’m not sure what direction to take.. I’ve shortlisted a few volunteering opportunities, maybe will apply for some this week.

I know I don’t want to solve “tech problems”. I’ve always wanted to solve (or contribute to solving) real world problems. (Not to say that “tech problems” aren’t “real”, of course, but I hope it’s clear that I’m referring to more general problems).

Solving said problems “through tech” is what I used to think I was okay with, but at some point that road started to feel closed up as well. I drove back to a point where I kept a marker, knowing I can come back and venture down this road again if I wanted to, but hoping I wouldn’t have to. I’m on another path now, a path that may still intersect with the path I’ve left.. but for now I’m not exactly sure where to go. I hope volunteering and internships do make sense for now, because it’s probably like hitchhiking or relying on other people for direction. Of course, this world FEELS quite different and vast, but I have to think of myself as probably being a second or third year student in college, I’ve to rely a lot on other people, probably. It’s much easier to do all this when you’re a student, you have more of a beginners mindset, it’s easier to admit you’re scared, etc. But I think I need to continue to do this for now, once again. And I imagine you have to keep doing this repeatedly, for different aspects of life, so I suppose the skill is worth building too.

I trust that I have some sort of life experience to help me, I’m not starting from scratch completely, in a way, but I really need to commit to action— regular, incremental action, otherwise I’m afraid all that experience will kind of evaporate into thin air as well.

Also, it’s important for me to remember that when I do even a single fun, fulfilling activity in a day, it becomes easier for me to do a couple more. My “lazy brain” often makes me believe I can’t do much in a day. In the face of the fear of “pushing myself”, I sometimes end up doing nothing at all.

Of course, I need to be more intentional with routines, diet and exercise to attempt to do all these things that I need to, want to do. I have support too, and I want to find ways to use it.

Yeah that’s it I suppose. Feeling better. Hope you’re all having a good August! xx

100b – this project is complete!

All said and done, things have been pretty decent. I think I am, after all, liking writing a bit more than music right now, even over the last few weeks, maybe a couple months. Maybe it’s just that it’s easier to do, less inertia, but whatever the reasons and the factors, I do end up engaging with this form of outlet/expression more than others.

But the question still remains: what should I write about?

I’ve always told myself I can just write about whatever’s in my head and slowly, steadily, I’ll find things to write about. Like I did, yesterday, wrote a bit about pride. But this “obvious topic formation” only happens once in a few weeks for me. I can write about my thoughts and feelings, which I do, but I imagine this gets boring for the readers. I don’t know. Probably need to keep the judgement out of it.

100K words are done! Feeling super happy about that, no doubt. It only took me 4 years LOL. I kid, I think it’s fine that it took as long as it did. I hadn’t planned to “rush”, anyway.

I’d like to reduce therapy sessions from once a week to once in a couple weeks, I think I’m ready for that. I did some intention setting for June and feeling okay about it. I do feel some sort of a void wrt work and fulfilment, but I don’t think I can address it right now, so not sure what to do about it really.

I just realised that a lot of the stuff I’m talking about, I’ve already talked about in my previous word-vomit too. Oh, well. I guess it just means that it’s not “solved” yet.

I’ve been away from reading for a bit though, maybe I get back to that this month. I imagine that’ll definitely give me some new material to think about and process (consciously and subconsciously).

Overall, I feel content and peaceful, for the most part. I’m about to turn 29 in August but that doesn’t stress me out or worry me either (as it shouldn’t). There’s enough things to be grateful for, and I really am.

Yeah, I think that’s it for now. I’m not really able to get into a reflective zone right now. Will end this post by listing out my intentions for June:

More reading (new reading)
More long-form essays
1 or 2 open-mics
Travel planning finalise
Health (reducing nicotine) (it’s been stable for the last month or so and I think it’s time to cut it out a bit more)
Exploring gender a bit more

Onward! Hope you’re all having a decent summer! Cheers xx

096b – the creative process of intimacy

I haven’t been writing (publicly) as much because all I can write about lately is love and romance. Anyone who knows me knows I’m deeply wary of the idea of being enmeshed with anyone else, especially romantic partners. And yet, these days I find myself wanting to spend all of my time with a specific person. She’s great and we both seem to be on the same page about most important things (including our own individual needs wrt alone time etc), and yet I do find my alone time not being as precious lately. It’s almost like I’m able to “recharge” with her and hence am able to do my “alone time” with her as well. Which.. I know it isn’t necessarily a bad thing— I’ve been in monogamous relationships before and they can be really pleasant— and just because they come with very strong, deep attachments doesn’t mean I have to be so fearful of them. But still, I know for sure that to retain my sense of myself, my individuality (which really, philosophically, I’m fully sure of wanting to do), I do need to remember what I like about my alone alone time.

Writing and music have been the two most important things over the last year, and to be fair to myself, I’ve been doing enough of the two, even if I’m not doing them publicly.

Still, I would like to continue to make my writing / journaling / blogging public, to the extent possible.

This actually feels really good too. Just the idea of writing things down and sharing them with the world does give me a sense of comfort and security. And this is important for me to note and regularly stay in touch with so I can do everything that I talked about earlier in the beginning of this post (ie retain and maintain my sense of self).

Something I’m more in touch with lately is a bit of the “crazy” and “weird” parts of me. Of course, calling them crazy and weird is a bit of a judgement, but perhaps I just mean the parts that maybe we’re not fully secure about, whether it’s because we carry internal judgement or whether society makes us that way, doesn’t really matter. Channeling all this becomes very important though. Of course most of us know creativity and art thrives on all of the parts of us that we’re not able to express through other ways. But to channel them successfully we need to make sure our routines around creative work are not falling apart. If I’m not writing everyday, for example, then even being in touch with part a or b will be useless. To create good stuff, or stuff we can be happy with, then, needs the following things—

a. being in touch with all sorts of feelings and parts of us,

b. routines wrt outlets and our creative practices,

c. the courage to express and the courage to share it or put it “out there”.

I suppose the process of intimacy (with another) and with the self looks the same in many ways then.

Anyway. Was this too rambly? I don’t think so. What am I saying? I’m saying that even though I haven’t been creating as much art as I may want to, I think I’m okay with it because I’m deepening my connection with someone, and that is, in many ways, the same thing as creating art (to me). The output, yes, is quite different, but for a while I think I’m okay to invest my time and bandwidth in the “creative process of love and romance”, and not just my existing preferred creative outlets.

Happy april, folks! xx

096a – cyclical longings

Want to write but I don’t know if I have anything to write about today. Not like I haven’t experienced this before and I know that once you start you do generally tend to find things to write about. I did some organisation today and I feel good, albeit a little tired. Made a todo list for the week as well so I’m feeling good about it.

I think I’m going to go ahead and participate in the music school open mic that’s coming up, it would make sense to do it— even though I wasn’t feeling completely upto it until now, but I think that’s just me running away from the discomfort of the thing. I’ve canceled an upcoming Bangalore trip to work on the things I need to work on, and I think that’s the right decision for me. I do have things to wrap up here which I should pay attention to.

Need to plan travels upcoming in the summer, have been procrastinating on that quite a bit. Once I wrap up a teaching project that I have on my hands right now I can start thinking about work, I think it’s starting to give me some anxiety now.* Also thinking of reducing therapy to twice a month or thrice instead of my current cadence which is weekly. Would be nice to save some funds and I don’t think I need it as strongly anymore. The caveat is that I don’t want to fall (back) into any addictions because of this.

Something I realised recently that I’m really happy about is how little I think of my self image anymore. Someone asked me (from a card game) whether I think the image I have of me is similar to how others see me— and I realised that I don’t really have an image of me. I mean, sure, I have certain things— ie I like to think of myself as creative, joyful, interesting in connections, interested in love, maybe a little non-conformist, INFP, sensitive, empathetic, communicative— okay, well, maybe I do have an image of myself. What’s changed then? Maybe the image I have of me is more “true” to me, then. And hence it doesn’t create much conflict in me anymore. Or the image I have of me is related to my inner self and not things related to my outer (physical) self. Yeah, I suppose that could be it.

I was missing Amsterdam quite a bit today, and really I’ve been missing it throughout this week, actually. It’s nice that I’m going to visit in July, it’ll be a good refresher on whether I actually miss it or whether I just miss the good parts.

*In slightly over a month I complete a year to my “break” and while I’m not financially constrained yet, I do think it would make more sense to now join something, something I can be a part of as opposed to just doing things by myself. It’s undoubtable that we can get more “done” or we can create more value when collaborating with others. It’s almost stupid to think we can do something of value purely by ourselves. And at this point, it makes sense to join something even if I don’t know what path I want to take. I think the path will show itself to me the more I “do” things.

Alright, that’s about it for now. Wish you all a great end to March! xx