happy – untitled atm

091a – content, grateful and ambitious

Back to Delhi. Back to thinking about work and projects. Kind of happy with all of it. Had a terrible flight back but all worth it. I think traveling is such a great way to get new input, data and feelings and gives me a lot of stimulus about things I naturally care about. Feeling pretty good about the frequencies that I know I like with traveling now.

I’d like to sleep by 2-2:30am which means that I’m time boxing this word vomit once again. What are the major things on my mind lately that I’d like to think about? Polyamory, physical intimacy, art, music, production, reading, giving up addictions, grooming, haircut, health related tasks, how much emotional bandwidth can I give to friends and family, how much work can I get done in Feb considering my sister’s visiting and I don’t get enough time with her throughout the year, yeah that’s about it I think.

I’m doing a freelance photography gig (event based thing) for some family this weekend and I’d like to do it well (more so) since I’m getting paid for it, would like to take some tips from people I know who’ve done this before. Editing etc is something I may need to do some research on. Actually kind of excited for this!

Lately I start writing a ton of word vomits but I never get past 200-300 words. I’m not very sure why. Is it really possible that I don’t have enough to process? Or do I have more people around me which allows me to process some things with them instead? I’m not sure, it’s likely the latter though.

Another thing I’ve realised is that I’m definitely more of a space taker than I used to think. Of course, I strive to be considerate and I’m also mindful of how much space I take, but I do take enough of it. Maybe therapy has helped with this too. I like it. I guess writing is also a good way to take a lot of space in the ways you need to. The page is the room you probably actually really need. But it’s a great room. It’s better than most rooms.

Art, safe spaces, mental health, suffering (reducing it if possible for myself and other people), being good— these are the things I really care about.

I’m also glad that I’ve made “niceness” and earnestness almost a pretty big part of my identity (or I’m slowly doing it) and it feels nice that when you stand up for it really strongly, most people don’t try to oppose it. In fact you also learn whether people do actually want to oppose it or not, and if so why etc. When you make claims that most people in theory agree with, but you do it gently, you are making space for questions they may not be brave enough to face themselves actually.

I also used to think I’m not hardworking or ambitious but it’s just that my energies were not being directed into the right things. I feel like lately they have been. So I suppose that’s what makes me happy and content.

082a – happy and jittery

“Everything is real” is my new cope to life instead of the earlier cope that was “everything is fake”. Well, it’s more like when you find the things you actually like and resonate with it’s easier to say that everything is real. Or maybe it comes back to the connected detachment theory that is “everything should be honoured but nothing matters”. So this would be somewhat equivalent to “everything is real but also everything is fake”.

I’m really happy these days and I know that happiness comes with a lot of vulnerability (such is the nature of happiness) but something I’ve learned is that nothing lasts forever so now I really make it a point to enjoy the happiness while it lasts, and be grateful for it for as long as I can be.

The universe and life will of course continue to ebb and flow but we gotta really enjoy the good stuff, it’ll be hard to cope with the bad stuff otherwise.

I want to take some time out to find and join dance classes soon because I really feel called to it and I’ve been delaying (procrastinating) for a while now.

I also discovered a superb spirituality treasure trove which I’m excited to explore more, especially as it also has a bunch of stuff on relating art and spirituality, which is something I’ve been thinking about anyway.

Admin tasks are still very tedious to do but I don’t know if there is a way to get around to doing them, since we do live in a society after all. Maybe the trick is to do them as soon as possible, so they don’t linger on my head and creative negative feelings. I’d like to work on this a bit so I can reduce the tediousness.

Being consistent with a meditation practice is still something that I need to incorporate because I can keep thinking and talking about spirituality but it’s only when I engage (or not engage) with the thoughts am I truly attempting to practice it. I cannot keep talking about the thing if I truly want to access any of it. (Related)

My mind is still active though, and I need to go back to cutting caffeine a little bit because I definitely find myself getting affecting by that a bunch.

The main thing on my mind right now is still “how do you do tasks that do not feed your soul”? Like really, how do you do them? I sometimes feel such visceral resistance to them that it becomes almost impossible to do them. Maybe I need to sit with the resistance. Or maybe I just haven’t accepted that some of them are really, actually important.

I made a list though, at least that’s some progress.

Okay, that’s all for now. I’ll be back soon! xx

081b – joyful

Heart is full. Had three consecutive days around people I love and I couldn’t be happier, I think. As I’ve mentioned multiple times before, I was pretty worried about December, productivity, social obligations etc etc, but I think this time I was finally able to show up where I really wanted to, and say no to the things I really didn’t want to do. Feels pretty great to be able to do this.

Life has become much easier now that I’ve started expressing myself more and more, without thinking too much about it. I think I learnt how to do this most from a couple people I met over the previous year. I don’t know whether I just have a “backlog” of unexpressed feelings and thoughts or whether I genuinely will stay the same over the next few years, but I’m excited to find out.

I’m also finding a lot of pleasure and joy in bonds that are not necessarily solidified or spoken about in words. That is, where words aren’t the primary form of communication and affection. Of course, quality time and physical affection have always been important to me but I always used to think that bonds are stronger and more real when you can talk about your thoughts and feelings explicitly. But I’m making more space for relations where words are not our strong suit, and yet I know they are valuable relationships and maybe I don’t want to give them up.

The good thing about expressing in large “quantities” is also that you start to then get a more wholistic opinion of your art and skills. Giving up perfectionism has been one of the best things for me and my art and expression journeys. You start to feel seen over the small things and slowly it all accumulates to give you big positive feelings as well. My belief in the value of “body of work” is getting stronger, basically. And it’s not that you don’t give your whole heart to these little things, it’s just that you’re okay with perhaps 7/10 or 8/10 satisfaction and you complete+share those things anyway. We’re just human, doing human things after all.

I’ve also opened my heart to dogs and kids again (as silly and obvious as that sounds) and it’s been wonderful. It’s so silly that we have these very easily available sources of joy and sometimes we forget to tap into them as much as we should be. Tldr; it’s never too late to unlock “new” sources of joy.

I guess the trick after all is to find positive feelings in the easiest and most satisfactory way possible and release negative feelings in the easiest and most satisfactory way possible. I like this framing, I’ll sit with this a while.

Stay safe and sound xx

079b – orange skies

There’s a bit of orange and a bit of pink in the sky again and I realise I’m safe and happy. The last couple of weeks have been tough but coming back to my parents’ home has started feeling really nice lately. Earlier my dad used to ask me to visit every weekend and I used to feel like I don’t have the time, even though time is something I do have but lately it’s been effortless to make these trips every weekend. Maybe I’ve been needing my parents’ affection a little more and it feels nice to lay next to dad or mom and not think about the troubles of the world.

I told my therapist that I sometimes feel like a kid and it feels like it’s the real me and I feel really alive. She mentioned this could be my inner child talking. Apparently the inner child needs a lot of safety but in this safety you can access parts of yourself that you may really want to integrate in your present self. Will read more on this at some point.

The other day a few of us were talking about problems and I noticed myself being inconsistent. I said that I feel like I have a lot of problems— more than my friends do, but then I was also talking about theories of happiness and when someone challenged one of those theories I felt like I had to state that I am happy. The judgemental part of me thinks I’m being inconsistent but the other part of me knows I’m not. Happiness is fleeting, and just because I have a lot of problems— maybe even big ones— maybe ones that I don’t think most people do— doesn’t mean I can’t feel happy on most days. Or at least, today, I’m happy. Or right now, I’m happy. I mean on most days, isn’t peace and happiness just the ability to feel a variety of emotions and not be resisting them? Time and again we come back to this. And yet when the negative emotions get a lot, we forget this. Or at least, I do. Or at least, I did over the last couple weeks.

I mean this could just be antidepressants talking, but even if that’s the case, why not?

I must admit, lately I’ve been appreciating that financials help a lot with security, etc. I’m glad I made some “wise” choices in terms of financials and education (albeit due to my parents’ influence). This is important to note because then I can continue to make long-term “wise” choices even as I continue to take other risks in the coming medium-term.

I’ve made some progress on my 10-songs project and I’m feeling pretty good about it. I’ve always thought of myself as “sad girl” but lately I’ve been making a lot of silly fun songs too and that feels pretty great.

I keep getting up to go to the balcony to click pictures of the sky and I feel hopeful and calm and optimistic. On that note, I’ll end this.

Hope you have a good week!

059a – values exploration (pt 1)

A while ago I discovered a values-exercise by the New Happy (which is a venture (??) I really admire) and I’ve been meaning to get to this for a few weeks now. Did a first iteration of the exercise but I’m not feeling fully settled with what I have. Want to explore this dissatisfaction through writing.

Here’s my top 10 values:

Faith
Courage
Learning
Authenticity
Choice
Compassion
Gratitude
Kindness / Love (I’ve clubbed these because I think that’s okay)
Health

I was super confused about what should take the last spot but these were the ones I found appealing: Peace/Art/Balance/Nature/Enjoyment

One that I’ve rejected (this didn’t even make it in my top-20) was Stability. But every time I have an anxious night or an anxious day I wonder if I should make it a value. So, okay, this is the first time I’ve had more of a medium-long-term “unstable” period in my life anyway. Which means that I don’t know whether Stability is a value I need (want) in my life or not. So, I suppose I can give myself more time ie 6-8 months to hopefully have an answer there.

Currently, when I distilled my top-10 to top-5, I came up with this:

Authenticity (This is the only one I’m a 100% confident about)
Gratitude
Kindness / Love
Health
Learning

This actually feels okay. Accepting that I don’t know enough about myself yet is also fine. Putting it in words, ie what it is exactly that I don’t know helps a lot too.

There’s of course the research to keep in mind too, the resource mentions that research tells us that the values that are most likely to make us happy fall in the following categories: achievement, stimulation, self-direction and benevolence. Which means that if I want to trust the research only, I might not actually need “Stability” as a core value if “happiness” is what I want to maximise in life.

What feels unsatisfactory so far is if these values are enough for me to have a life/lifestyle that’s exciting enough for me. The short answer is they can be. I can still pursue enjoyment, fun, excitement and all the jazz but just not at the cost of these things. Right? I think so. Let’s see. Feeling some blockers here. Like I’m listening to some “shoulds” as opposed to just what is.

I think I’m also conflicted between wanting a “happy” life and an “easy” life. Because of my generalised anxiety and my experience with the lows in the past, maybe I’ve convinced myself I want an easy life. But the truth is (I think), I don’t think an easy life can necessarily be the happiest life. It might cause some dissatisfaction down the line. So, yeah this might be worth thinking about more. Where do I want to operate on the easy-difficult spectrum to maximise my position the happiness-sadness spectrum? (Ah, good one.)

Okay, enough to think about. Will continue this exploration another time!