health – untitled atm

109b – hello, 2025

A lot of things feel futile lately. Well, primarily, doing this. I don’t know what’s happening exactly, but a part of me feels like thinking about things is a bit.. meh.

What does feel not-futile, then? Spending time with people I love, for one. That feels worthwhile.

As I write, though, I’m suddenly remembering why this used to feel important. It used to be (and probably still is) important because it allows me to process everything faster. And the faster I process things, the more time I have for the things that actually matter— like the people I love.

I finally got around to making some calls and replying to texts that had been on my backlog for a while. It felt quite nice. I like it when friends show up for the hard conversations, even if they don’t always show up perfectly.

A lot of things feel futile though, like planning for stuff. I have to move at the end of this quarter but we’re “testing” the place first by traveling there for a bit, so it feels futile to plan anything beyond that. It’s scary, I’m not going to lie. I don’t like planning anyway but my anxiety always wants me to plan ahead. What I’m learning is that you can plan and plan but there’s always going to be things that fall through the cracks. It’s always a tough battle to balance planning the big things and taking it easy on the smaller ones or the other way round.

Anyway, my head hurts a bit these days even though I don’t think I’m doing too much screen time. I might need an eye check-up.

My sister’s had a baby a month ago and I feel major FOMO for not being able to see him. I wrote a whole blog post about it which I haven’t gotten around to posting.. for various reasons. But that’s not what this is about. I really want to see him! But I detest those long inter-continental flights. So I’m stuck in this major indecision paralysis and I feel like that’s been weighing quite heavily on me. When I was a kid, my friends and I used to regularly wish for teleportation machines because we didn’t have as much agency to travel whenever we’d feel like it. Now.. it feels like we have the agency, but it’s still not very easy to exercise it. So here I am, wishing for the goddamn teleportation machine.

I’ve been quite stagnant on work stuff, I feel like I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth for anything work-related lately. I’m tired, I really am. How the fuck does one prioritise the things that really need to get done? Job search is quite intimidating. I suppose I need to break it down into smaller tasks and goals.

It’s very interesting that my previous post was a lot about the same stuff that I’m complaining about right now— I suppose it makes sense that I’m feeling so blocked.

But January is over so I must set some intentions for February. Time keeps flying by, otherwise.

Happy 2025, folks!

105 – unblocking

If you write (or create any sort of content, for that matter), you are constantly on the lookout for material. Sometimes it’s fun because it happens automatically, but at times it’s quite draining too. Yes, people have talked about this before— how the reflex of “documenting a moment” can really kill the moment itself. Especially with writing, a lot of the advice points to this— document as much as you can, make as many notes as you can, because for sure memory is going to fail you. But I’ve found this to be consistently true in my days lately… I do feel like I’m stealing myself away from the present moment if I’m constantly trying to document it. How does one balance this? I’d like to figure that out.

Anyway, came here to note this thought down (how meta of me), but might just do a word-vomit instead. Y and I have been cat-sitting for a friend (it’s two cats!) which we were very excited about initially but it turned out be quite a.. lot. The mother cat (Mimo) isn’t spayed and in heat which was a lot for her to handle (and for us too). She seemed like she was under a lot of stress— yowling for hours at end, constantly wanting to go out, hissing at her daughter (Bailey) a lot, and wanting a lot of attention from us too. Even though we absolutely loved giving her the attention she needed, we’re two people who get overstimulated very easily so it was all a bit too much for us to handle. We’re transferring ownership to a friend of the owner’s tomorrow, so looking forward to some relief and quiet. The cats are adorable though, I know I’m going to miss them too.

It was a nice distraction from the “tasks” of life, of course.. and I did learn that maybe I can’t have cats in the future like I always thought I would. This is disappointing of course, but this is also not final since of course a spayed (or neutered cat) would be easier to handle, I know that. Definitely don’t think I can do kids though, that’s confirmed.

I was reading this first post that I ever wrote on this blog, because I feel like I’m stuck in a similar situation again. It’s interesting to see just how much I had to write! Like so many thoughts and feelings. I don’t feel that way anymore. Sometimes I sit in front of the laptop or the journal and nothing comes out of me. And I know deep down that it’s not because I don’t have stuff to talk about, it’s just because I’ve become a bit avoidant with some of my feelings. This was never an issue for me, avoidance is a relatively new issue, to be very honest. Which is probably why I haven’t taken it very seriously either. Acknowledging that I’m somewhat avoidant about certain things also means that I have to face that I used to judge other “avoidants” in the past. I know most of it is not in our control, avoidance/anxiety about “problems” are just copes, and different people cope differently. And to be fair, “avoidance” is a bit easier to manage than anxiety is.. I think I just liked not feeling super anxious all the time.

But I know.. I know, to write, or do anything, to move at all, I do have to face whatever it is that’s going on.

One happy thing before I talk about what I think my current open problems are in life: in the post (the first post), I talk about “dreaming about composing music”! I’d never realised I used to dream about it. Like I’d never acknowledged this dream properly enough to myself! But I’ve successfully composed a few songs, so the dream has been realised.. pretty proud of this! There’s a lesson here— we need to fully acknowledge and voice our dreams to ourselves, otherwise when they come true we won’t even know that we have something worth celebrating!

Anyway, now to the question of what are the main areas I want to be working towards over the next.. <undecided time-frame>:

Work stuff, what I want to do for work, job search etc
Geography.. I have no idea how I will tackle this but I do want to
Gender stuff— even though this isn’t as urgent as it was maybe even a few months ago, I know it doesn’t feel fully resolved.. and I know it’s okay for it to take the time it needs, but I don’t want to “not engage” and let the time pass. The “time it needs” will be much longer if I keep running away from the issue.
Health, too

So, yep, that’s it for now.

My key takeaways (mostly for myself but also for you in case they’re relevant)?—

Foster multiple types of cats (and kittens) before adopting and committing for the long haul.
Balancing documentation with presence is important.
Voice your dreams! There’ll be more to celebrate if (/when) they come true.
Compartmentalisation is okay, avoidance is not.

Cheers, folks xx

098b – denial, dreams, distractions

Some days are better than others. Today for example I made a commitment to face an unhealthy habit I’ve been running away from for too long. I crossed off more tasks than I added to my very long backlog of tasks, I did vocals practice and funnily enough, also got sufficient sleep (something I hadn’t really been able to over the past week).

I imagine these word-vomits aren’t of much use to anyone else, and I know I’ve mentioned this probably a hundred times here now. However, very recently I got something nice from a word-vomit, ie writing that I actually liked and found more satisfactory in terms of content and quality, and that I was also able to flesh out into a longer post of sorts. Something I’d happily want to share with a broader public too.

Trying to be better at combating denial. Denial keeps me so stuck sometimes, I lose out on days and weeks. Also trying to get more in touch with whether my goals and dreams are important, and if so, how much. I feel like the last month or so has been a bit of “ah, we’ll see, we’ll figure it out” and that’s a fine response to the anxiety of it all but I don’t want it to become an excuse to not do the things that I care about.

I think, if I decide that my goals and dreams ARE important, I will definitely have to narrow focus a bit. Even though last week I did acknowledge that narrowing focus makes me a bit anxious, I do think it might be important. And of course, narrowing focus doesn’t mean I would need to cut down on the other things completely! I can just know what takes higher priority. So, yeah, maybe I do a prioritisation exercise again.

Man, absolutely detest it when I get distracted from a post and pick up my phone in the middle of distraction. I really want these takes to be as one-take as possible because otherwise I feel like I don’t really uncover anything. I feel like scrolling and social media and my smartphone is definitely a very harmful distractor. It really just hits a reset button on the journey that is inner exploration. It’s like you have to start again, start from the top, swim all the way back into the ocean again. You’re just left making small talk and repetitive analogies for a whole paragraph.

Struggling a bit with the whole situation of being interrupted in conversation. I’m finding that I do get affected quite a bit when I’m interrupted, but I’m also finding that I haven’t fully owned how much I don’t like it. Would like to explore this in therapy for sure. There are a couple more things I’m struggling with. Again, not something I can explore by myself but writing it here allows me to remember it.

Apologies, dear readers, hopefully the vagueness can be excused.

Alright, that’s the most focus I can muster up today, I think. Happy last week of April! xx v

097a – health, pleasure and connection

The neighbours’ cat sits on the staircase landing one level below mine. I’m trying to lure it to come and meet me by waving some food in front of her. She’s been here before, she came and chilled inside my house too, but I’m not sure why she’s wary today. I decide to work from the desk near my door for the next couple hours though, I can keep an eye out for her from this position.

There are a couple things that I have to, absolutely have to get done today. Movement on chores and tasks has been slow but I really want to have a “productive” April.

Yesterday, I smoked up with a friend after many, many weeks and had a pretty good evening, until of course it became a bit hedonistic. I often find myself in that state of mind whenever I get high— and I’m not sure if I like that. I do feel like I tend to make unhealthy decisions in the pursuit and attainment of pleasure (especially when it comes to health) and I do think I’d like to change that, slowly if not right away. Something I realised yesterday though is that there’s a chance this is what’s one of the nicest thing about love and connection. That you can access and share depths (of your self and another) without having to resort to unhealthy things (like alcohol and drugs).

If I have systems and limits in place when it comes to unhealthy habits, I wouldn’t want to discard those systems even when I’m high. Or if I decide to get high, I would still need to know what my limits are with everything. The “rules” that I apply to myself have to be a little more universal. Maybe I do need to come up with specific, very specific rules for myself. Maybe that’s the only way at this point.

Health is, after all, a top-5 value of mine so I do need to act like it too.

I also feel a lot more of the need to be and feel seen when I’m high. Like I don’t necessarily want someone in my physical space but I do feel the need to share all my thoughts, everything that’s running through my head when I’m high. But this also made me realise that perhaps one of the antidotes to loneliness is the ability to separate these two somewhat related but not necessarily overlapping needs— ie the need for connection (the real, human, social need) and the need to be “more” seen. I think you can experience the latter even when all your social needs are met. So I think the latter comes from a bit of a pleasure-seeking place within us (for those of us who do experience this), because a lot of people are sufficiently satisfied and content when their social needs are met. But some of us (including me) do experience the second thing a lot more, I think we crave deep connection a lot more than others, and what deep connection means to us is this ability to share all of the “weird and crazy and unique” parts of ourselves that maybe we haven’t always been able to, in general settings and in mainstream settings.

I don’t know, maybe this is a bit rambly. I think my point is, it helps to break down the “social need” into exact terms— is it the basic need like for food when you’re hungry, or is it you craving dessert even when you’re full?

And post need-breakdown, I also think it’s important to remember and accept that not all parts of me need to be seen by and shared with someone else. I can witness some of them and that’s enough too. (And I don’t mean to come at this from a “cope” way at all, I genuinely think it can suffice).

I think I’m happy with this one. Hope y’all are doing well! Cheers xx

093b – march updates

Haven’t word-vomited properly for around a week. Feeling pretty restless this week. Also very exhausted. Sister’s leaving tonight so I know I’ll get to recharge once she does though of course I’m sad to see her leave as well. It’s also been really chilly here this week which has got me feeling quite irate.

Finally opened my notion board this week, which I’d been avoiding because I was feeling a bit stressed and crumbly under the weight of tasks etc but feeling okay now.

I have some international travel coming up this summer and finally got done with 1/2 of the Visa processes. Quite relieving actually.

Looking forward to a relatively quieter month, if that’s possible for me. I’m feeling quite away from all my creative pursuits and I’m not very happy about that. Would also like to narrow focus a bit, since I feel extremely scattered.

Feel like this word-vomit reflects my mental state a bit as well, though part of me knows that it’s mostly just judgement creeping in and the need to defend myself over it. What is the judgement? That I don’t really have anything to write or talk about. Which also feels weird because I thought I had a lot of things “weighing” on me or whatever. Ugh, the inherent insecurity of expressing yourself is just quite annoying.

I have enough things to do but perhaps not a strong enough motivation to do any of them. Perhaps the tricks is just to do the things anyway. I’m going to treat tomorrow as a workday so I can get some of these tasks done.

I also feel a bit worried about potential health issues and in general my lack of enough healthy habits or the abundance of enough unhealthy habits, which is something I do find quite tough to tackle. Sleep “schedule” has been mostly decent though, so I guess I’m grateful for that.

I’d like to wrap up 100K words by the end of this month, though I know for sure that I’m going to keep this blog going still. It’s just my most preferred way of processing things. Still, it’ll be nice to “complete” something also.

Still curious about non-monogamy, hoping to go on a couple dates with different people this month so I can gather some more information about how I feel and what I might potentially want in this aspect. I’m hoping it’s just a brain itch because that will make things easier, but let’s see.

We have general elections this year over here and I would finally like to participate— I mean I’ve always wanted to but have just been quite procrastinatey about documents and the admin processes. Feel like it’s time to tackle it this time. I’m aware I’m using the word tackle quite a bit today but maybe that’s how everything does feel.

Alright, writing today was quite tough. Hoping it’s just a practice (or the lack thereof) thing. Hope I can be a bit regular in March again.

Cheers xx

072 – easing up

Today was tough. I want to sleep but I also want to write so that it doesn’t feel like a complete waste of a day. Obviously, it’s okay for a day to be wasted also, in the grand scheme of things, if that’s what’s easier in the moment. But I feel like I’ll be happier if I do something, just anything.

I’d woken up a bit late today— at noon— but had had a perfectly decent start to the day, except it just took a nosedive around 3pm. I got my period and was hit by an anxiety attack out of nowhere.

It wasn’t zero awareness, I was trying to ride it out using writing, music, grounding techniques etc and waiting for my parents to come back so I could talk to them. But it was still quite tough. And the rest of the evening wasn’t much better either. I think I still feel like I’m in my head a bit. I think it feels really uncomfortable to tune into my body. I don’t know why. Is it possible that I subconsciously opted for mental pain to avoid the physical discomfort? I don’t know.

Okay, let’s make some space for the anxiety. What am I worried about?

Definitely experiencing some body dysmorphia. I’m catastrophizing. So what’s the answer to this? Okay, right now— it’s fine, and I’m going to restart medications soon, and note that whatever is meant to happen will happen. If you’re meant to face the worst, you will. Maybe it will mean that the universe has other plans for you. We’ll find out. But we can’t worry about that right now.

I also thought I was experiencing some gender dysphoria. I’m not sure if that’s what it was and I don’t know yet. I took an online quiz and the results say it’s not that likely. However, I do need to make some space for some of the thoughts related to this because they’re obviously not coming out nothingness.

A job, I think. But okay, I think I can keep this aside until March.

I’m also a bit worried about my parents. They get really worried about me and they have their own troubles to deal with as well. Ah, I wish this was easier.

Too many events, people and commitments. I hate Indian weddings. They always stress me out so much, I’m just going to stop going to them from next year onwards. I can’t take it. Okay actually, I just realised that I’ve never officially added them to my fear ladder, maybe I just do that instead. So that I know that when I am attending one, I’m actually doing an exposure and so it’s okay for me to expect anxiety. On the flip side, I’ve been doing some decent amount of exposure therapy anyway so I should be really proud of myself and I don’t need to be doing all kinds of exposures all the time. So I think I can afford to skip the event tomorrow, I really have enough to drive me crazy already.

And my primary goals really are existing, maintaining sanity, music project (10 original songs), writing project— so why should I make life more difficult for myself by attempting to do a lot of other things?

Yes, I think making life easier is a good strategy for me to follow for the remaining part of this year. Let’s not try to do too much. Let’s prioritise health (mental and physical) over everything else. I think I can (want to) also keep social media intake a bit on the lower end.

Connected detachment.. man that’s really the thing I want to get better at. Obviously I care so much about everything and I think I like that, it’s one of my strengths, but I really want to be okay with things not working out. Like caring about things is fun in and of itself, the outcomes shouldn’t change anything.

Speaking of, here’s some fun progress updates on the music front:

Half-completed a decent song yesterday, I was writing about silly things but then the song got pretty substantial out of nowhere. It also felt like a proper click, when you find words or sounds that really feel like they’re capturing the essence of what you wanted to say. And I’m really enjoying the process.

Discovered some interesting chords and sounds today while trying to sing about the anxiety stuff earlier in the afternoon. I think it’s cool. I’m done with 5/10 songs and I think I can definitely write 2 more in December. So that’s exciting!

I really think sometimes I’m just running around in circles. But I know there is some movement, it just comes really slowly sometimes. Let’s just end this on this note.

What are some silver linings from today?

Did some writing, made some stronger/newer music (I think) because of stronger feelings
Was able to reach out to therapist, parents, friend before things got too out of hand
Limited my information intake, didn’t give in to worst fears
Communicated a bit with my grandmother also, might be a good step in terms of mental health and sanity
Feel like I’ll be alright by tomorrow and if not worst case by Tuesday. Which is great progress considering something like today would have taken me quite a few days to recover from maybe until a couple years ago.
Body dysmorphia (not going away but I can cope with it), gender dysphoria (will look into this and avoid triggers), people and events (will cut down), job (will push this a bit more).

Also, big thing – I actually feel quite better now. Feel like I’m back into my body a bit.

Alright, let’s ease up! Stay sane xx

061b – on the long-term goal of healing and being more well-adjusted

Sometimes all you need (or want) is for someone to tell you “It’ll all be okay”. I’ve been feeling pretty shitty since the last couple days, but just now as I reached this conclusion, I do feel better. Like yes, I know from past experience that things do work out and things do feel okay, eventually, even if that “okayness” doesn’t come in the form you might have thought it will.

Even though I’ve tried to be more action-oriented over the week, I still have this feeling that I’ve been spending way too much time in my head, I don’t know how to describe it exactly.

Went for a poetry workshop/slam type thing yesterday and I feel like that really ended up overstimulating/overwhelming me. (It was great! And met some really cool people! So) Very fulfilling, but yeah I feel like these kind of events can end up becoming heavy sometimes. Especially if I already had too many feelings going into the thing.

I think I’m still adjusting and getting comfortable with “Delhi”. I’d started feeling gloomy randomly around 6pm yesterday when I realised it was dark already and that it must be getting kind of cold outside (it’s started to get a bit chilly here). So, yeah, I think the adjustment can be a pain. No, it’s most definitely a pain.

I think I’m at a decent state with the nicotine addiction now. It’s been a month and although I’ve had a couple slips, they didn’t end up being relapses, and I feel like mentally, I’m still okay with the concept, don’t feel the urges as often, and can mostly remind myself that I would hate to relapse— so, let’s not.

But because life is still incredibly hard and I feel far away from being a self-adjusted individual, I know I need to seriously start thinking about which addiction to tackle next: ie my unhealthy sleeping habits, “thinking”, or caffeine. Sleep has definitely made life hell over the last couple days so ideally I should focus on this, even if it’s not fully resolved, if I can even make it a little better for the “short-term”, that could be nice. The other motivation to want to do this is that with the onset of actual winters, getting enough sun will not be easy, so needing a good sleep schedule will become extra important.

The lack of a “job” has started to feel a little heavy this week. But I feel like that’s just the resistance showing up, because this week has been mostly feeling a lot more motivated about spending time on creative work. And although I don’t deny that I’d want to find a day-job sometime next year as well, I don’t know why my brain wants me to “urgently” worry about it, when there’s no need to. So yeah, I think that’s the resistance. (“Resistance” as described in “Do The Work”)

Anyway, writing this down was nice and helpful. Hope your weekend starts off better than mine!

058b – movement

It’s been a rough couple weeks. I wrote in the last post that there are a lot of parts of my life that I feel aren’t working, and that changes need to be made. I think, even though the things that I’ve had to “change” or the process of the change has been quite painful, I think it’s all for the best.

I’ve decided to quit nicotine and it’s already been two weeks, and I think it can stick. I’m reading Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking to help me with this and I think a lot of the things in it make sense. The whole idea is to cut the desire at the root. We always try to escape the craving but the whole point is to really examine the craving and be okay with sitting with it. I’d been trying to do some of that by myself too but I think having external guiding material is much more effective. The other thing that helps it the regular reinforcement of how the craving is genuinely a bit of a false craving. We think nicotine is pleasurable but apparently it only feels pleasurable because it kills the withdrawal caused by the previous round of it in our body (or mind).

Parallely, the task of moving on from a romantic interest has also been thrust upon me. (I underplay this, she was more than a romantic interest, I think.) But.. I think it’s fitting that I’m quitting two things at once. It’s kind of similar, isn’t it? I mean, even though I know that one comes from a more genuine place (ie, heart, soul, etc), I think that aspect of like/love isn’t that hard to deal with. It’s the addictive part that’s harder to deal with.

So overall, with both the things it’s about cutting the desire(s) at the root. I think I’ve been coping pretty healthily. Talking to friends, journaling, using music as an outlet, all good things. Only food is suffering a bit so I need to make the healthier choices when it comes to that, and I will, from tomorrow. (Yes, yes, I know “from tomorrow” is the classic avoidant phrase, but I really will).

A close friend is moving to Delhi and I’m really excited to have him around. I’ve been feeling a lack of social support/circle overall and it’ll be nice to have a bit of an addition to my existing people.

Finally got a couple really big house-tasks done and that’s been a major stress-reliever. There’s a lot more to do (I guess there always is), but I’m trying to lean towards action as much as possible. I think it has to be done regularly, ie the choice to pick action over thinking, it has to made regularly, in majority of the moments. (For me, at least, since I err on the side of overthinking).

(Side realisation: I used to dislike the word “overthinking”, because I thought it implies judgement, and maybe it does, but I’m getting less defensive about it. And I’m accepting that yes, there is a difference between thinking and overthinking, the same way there’s a difference between processing and rumination. There’s definitely limits needed to “thoughts”. For many of us, I’m sure).

Anyway, good stuff. I feel myself growing. (This is hilarious but I genuinely feel it AH)

Alright, let’s go October xx

034a – hey, 2022

I didn’t really get much time to reflect this month. Had a couple of flights in which I’d done some writing, but nothing similar to what I’d managed to do last year. Last year I had goals – small, big, I had achievements, I had pillars I wanted to focus on in the (then) coming months.. all the works.

I think this year I’ve been avoiding it a bit. Since I just got back from India around a week back, i’m still getting used to being alone, etc. I’ve been watching a lot of TV for some sense of normalcy, and trying to curb my smoking, for the most parts.

I think that’s also the major thought I’m trying to avoid. i.e. whether I should be working on reducing (quitting?) smoking this year. It’s a hard thought.. I’m already anxious around it all the time, why would I deliberately sit and think about it, right?

But I’ve been forgetting how facing these devious thoughts is the only way to make them lose their power. So, here I am. Ready now, I think.

Let’s start with the big blocks I want to be focusing on. A rare moment of clarity made me realize those are going to be love, peace and growth. I don’t think this needs more thought, I can’t think of anything else that’s more important. Well, alright – maybe discipline a bit? Routines, in some ways. Though I don’t feel too strongly about that so I probably won’t be trying too hard on that. Health, though.. is a whole other conversation. Health is going to be important to think about, it needs to be. My aim for January is going to be to track smoking, and not let it go beyond 2-3 cigarettes a day. I think I will also need to add some physical exercise to my week. It’s been completely absent for almost the last 6 months. Mornings, as much as I can. Evenings, if mornings don’t work out. Diet, I think a bit as well. Would want to eat healthier. Of course I would have to break all this down into more actionable goals, but this is a good start, for now.

I want to continue to create more.. content / art / watchamacallit. So that’s continuing to write, clicking pictures, playing and making more music (with more people as well).

Love. SIGH. I think it’s looking more clear that it’s going to be hard for me to organically meet someone. I might have to accept that dating apps is where it’s at, for me. Once I accept that fully, I’ll probably be able to put in the work as well. Let’s see though, I don’t know if I feel like thinking about this right now..

Insecurities, self-confidence, self-acceptance.. I think that’s going to continue to be an ongoing journey, but I want to stay on the path, even if it’s never ending. I definitely don’t want to stop the “fight” so to say.

Alright, I think that’s all I can do for now, happy new year folks!

030a – sleep schedules and the need to feel seen

All right! I’m awake at 5pm on a Saturday, well-rested and feeling good after a while. A couple of friends have recommended fixing my sleep-schedule now, and while a little annoying, I do know they have my best interests at heart. Also, the fact that people my age are really swearing by it and thinking it’s something really worth fixing makes me think that it might be time. Physical offices are probably also going to start opening by fall as well, so starting now gives me enough time to potentially fail a couple of times if needed and get back on track.

I realized a few things last night.

I really enjoy long phone conversations so finding some of those people in my time-zone’s going to be important. (Right now I spend a lot of time talking to some of my friends and family back home and for some reason the timing’s been working in a way that it stretches into my night).
Not procrastinating in the day is going to be critical. I really want to make time for hobbies and self-work and making that time in the daytime implies getting done with chores and pending “work” earlier in the morning, especially on the weekends.
Then of course, there’s the 10pm/11pm temptations. The caffeine cravings, for example. I’m going to have to be a little strict about not giving into many of the things I like doing post-dinner. It’s going to have to be wind-down period. Until my body clock adjusts (which, might take a few weeks to a month at least, I guess), I’m going to have to be very deliberate about this.

So, that’s enough on sleep and commitment to that.

(Random update) I bought a mic! I’m excited to figure out a little bit of recording technicalities and then I’ll potentially record some music and experiment around with that.

Lastly, the main thing I’ve been thinking about since yesterday. What is it about “feeling seen” and “feeling known” that feels so good? I would say I was a fairly private person up until two years ago. Eventually, opened up to people and eventually also started to really enjoy sharing my work and my “art” (and therefore more of me) with everyone.

Of course, one of the main things that spurred this into faster action was a breakup, for me. I doubt I ever felt a void when I was with my now ex-partner. Him and some close friends and family having “know” me was quite sufficient. After the breakup, there was definitely that need, that empty space. Savannah Brown (recent discovery) has interesting thoughts on this – she asks if anything really then has meaning unless “people” are involved. Unless “people” are seeing it? I’ve never tried playing music for an animal but I’ve heard it can be quite amazing. So it might not just be people, but maybe.. connection?

Is feeling seen simply an indicator of connection? Or is it the acceptance, the apparent lack of judgement, the freedom that comes from it?

Ah well, looks like there’s clear evolutionary reasoning behind it. This was easy 🙂

Also, very excited to hit 30k soon! Have a happy weekend, everyone. :partyemoji: