Tag: impact

077 – complete the things you’ve started

Unpublished. Unreleased. Words that will start giving me a headache if I sit on my work for too long. If you keep things under the wraps for too long, they can go stale. I know that I’m enjoying creating and making things but how will I get better at completing things and shipping them? Why can’t I combine all the single, lonely, paragraphs sitting in various separate notes into an essay? Would they be happier in an essay? Or do they want to be left alone? Do they feel complete already? 

Or can they create more when they come together? More impact? More.. something. More of what, though? Why is it important that I complete things and ship them? What am I hoping to accomplish with all this? What will creating impact get me? Whenever I go down this train of thought, I don’t generally like it. But it’s important to think about this too, from time to time. Obviously, I suppose, someone resonating with the things you’ve written can make them feel… something? 

Someone once told me that some of my notes were a healing experience for them and that of course, was quite incredible. Generally, I write because I can’t not. So what is it, then? Why am I stopping here? Why do I get stuck here? In this tension between “I do it for myself” and “I want it to have some impact on others”. 

What if it wasn’t a tension, though? What if it was “I do it for myself” and “I want it to have some impact on others”? What if both those things are true and I just need to work a bit more on bridging the gap? What if there are many ways to bridge the gap and I what if I just haven’t looked at this space with a broader mind? 

What would impact look like, to me? What can I hope to achieve with the stuff that I write? 

  • Inspire, guide someone the way my heroes have inspired or guided me 
  • Make someone see something in a different way— which might lead to them learning something new
  • Help someone get in touch with any of their own feelings, feelings they may not have been able to make space for otherwise— and as a result create some resolution in them 
  • Evoke new feelings (because sometimes we consume art to of course— feel new feelings) 

I suppose this makes sense. I know this is pretty generic, but these are just measures. I’m not trying to convert them into targets. Or I’m not trying to “achieve” these. But these would be good ways of measuring impact, if I wanted to do that. 

So, yes, if I want more impact, then I would want to “complete” things and ship them. Of course, completion will look different in different cases. I don’t always need to do long-form writing. I know that short-form writing (especially in today’s world) can create impact too. And I’m okay with the process around this. I know when a piece feels complete, and when it doesn’t. I guess the tricky part is when I think I’ll “come back” to something but then I mostly don’t. Maybe then it’s important to regularly review the incomplete things and see if they can be given life. Maybe I don’t want to always be starting new things. And I do enjoy going through my notes anyway. In another essay I wrote the other day, I did come to the conclusion that completing things can be worth it for two reasons: 

  1. It allows you to start new things with more joy 
  2. It has the potential to create more impact 

But it’s still a bit of a “brainy” “work”y activity. It’s not joyful in the same way as simply the dots and the scribbles are. But then the answer to that is always that the more you do it, the better you might get at it and ultimately— completing things or shipping might start becoming easier too. OR, I just accept the fact that #1 is reason enough to do it. 

That is to say, if I want to keep creating, I have to complete the things I have started. Maybe a version of my hell is all of my abandoned ideas floating around me. Maybe my task is to just complete ideas and ship them, and just accepting that only 60-70% of the work will be joyful. But that 60-70% of the joy might be good enough for me to put in the effort for the non-joyful aspect of the thing.

And it can be, actually, more joyful too. For instance, I spent an hour earlier today doing some organisation and that was actually not unenjoyable, once I was engaged in it. The right tools, I suspect, can make the organisation, the completion, and the shipping sufficiently enjoyable. 

I suspect this post is in fact a result of some of that organisation. Because I made some space in my brain, I had some more ideas today, so I realised I was starting new things without completing previous things. This is okay, too, because I’ve at least made a note of the things I do want to complete. 

Or maybe I’m realising that the brain space gets filled up regardless of what you do. I’ve had this thought before too. That being better at todo lists may or may not make life easier. I mean, I may get “more” done but it’s not necessary that that will provide sustaining or persisting comfort. Ultimately, the comfort has to come from other ways. If currently writing and “doing more” is my reaction to filling the voids, that’s okay. But I may need to be more aware of what the voids are saying too. 

060b – 60k words! + calling (pt1)

So you might think you’ve found your calling, what next? 

This is the main question I’m asking myself this week. 

Firstly, because my younger self left me with some decent advice, I’m going to outline some of the reasons and motivations around why I think art or creative work might be calling me. At least, right now. Some fears and worries and hesitations might show up too and I’m going to list those out as well, because they’ve been holding me back from embracing this over the last few months (and maybe even the last few years). 

So, why do I gravitate towards creating things if I’m left in a vacuum? 

  • Emotion management / release. This is primary. I think I have too many feelings almost always at the surface and if I’m not engaging with some form of expression regularly (ie daily, at least), then I’m dissatisfied, unhappy, and often overwhelmed. (OR otherwise I end up engaging unhealthier forms of “numbing” ie alcohol, nicotine, social media, etc). So, this is the healthiest and the most accessible form of emotion management that I have for myself. 

  • Presence + Joy. These activities (writing, music, doodling, photography, dancing, etc etc) are the most “satisfactory” and “joyful” methods of being present, for me. Aside from maybe talking to people I really enjoy talking to, where our energies can resonate.

  • Collaboration. These are also the things I find joy in collaborating with people over. Especially music (I haven’t done a lot of collaboration wrt other forms yet)

  • Connection and impact. It’s incredibly fulfilling when people tell you they connect with whatever you put out there. It’s a different way of feeling seen AND making someone feel seen at the same time. People have sometimes told me that some of the art I’ve shared has been healing for them as well, and I care a lot about that kind of impact. 

Yep, I think that pretty much captures it. 

Now, I feel some of the hesitations and fears cropping up, so let me jot those down: 

  • I’ve romanticised artists, and I just think I want to “be” an artist, and I might not be truly motivated by the doing in and of itself. 
  • I know had the creative streak in me as a kid, but it started getting fleshed out more only post 12/13. If I truly liked art then why wasn’t I doing enough of it during peak childhood? (ie from ages 7/8-13)? Isn’t this the time most people (given peaceful childhoods) are experiencing what they truly like to engage with? I used to engage a lot more with science, so why’s it the case that I don’t like the sciences anymore? 

I don’t think I can address these fears, really. All I can tell myself is that maybe people change, or maybe people have multiple sides in them. Maybe it’s futile to think your “true calling” is a single thing. Maybe right now this is what I’m curious about, and that’s fine. Maybe science (ie engineering) just got a little too tough for me, and maybe my creative side was just feeling starved. Maybe if I feed it enough I’ll have both these parts of me balanced and secure, and then I can see what’s louder. Or maybe I don’t have to pick. When it’s time to find jobs (ie a few months from now, for sustenance), maybe I can think about this then. 

And I am moving through life now with more awareness than I did as a kid (I think). (Side question: What is the difference between presence and awareness?) 

Feeling a little dissatisfied with this post though, I suppose maybe because I didn’t really address the “What Next” question. But I’ll continue this tomorrow or later this week. Feeling a little tired at the moment. 

But, 60K words! Kind of cool 🙂

011 – consumption, creation and the desire to feel special

Been wanting to think about this for a while. This post of mine from almost a year ago came back to me recently and I was thinking about how much things have changed. I was gravitating towards (media, art) consumption because the desire to feel something was trumping the desire to create something?

How out of touch from my feelings must I have been? Or was the tank really just empty? Guess I won’t know but if I had to hazard a guess it was likely the former.

I think when my “feelings tank” is full, consumption rarely helps. It can sometimes help in the moment by providing a distraction of sorts, but more often than not it just acts as a temporary numbing agent. But when the feelings tank is empty, it looks like consumption can help me feel something? I feel like whenever I’m at this point – if I change my consumption of (media, art) to that of (experiences, people) instead, could I possibly feel more valuable things? 

Gosh, I don’t know, this is getting a little dense for me right now. I watched Call Me By Your Name for the second time and enjoyed it so much more than I had the first time around. I realized I’d missed so much of the brilliance when I’d seen it earlier. I ordered the book as well, looking forward to reading it. But my motivation today to start watching it wasn’t to “feel” something, my feelings tank was definitely quite full, but it was more to resolve one or more of these feelings — the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of not being fully understood by the people around me? and other related feelings.

And this is pretty much the same reason I’ve been posting as well, to resolve the feeling of not being fully understood. 

This might be one of the rare phases that consumption and creation were driven by the same motivation. Or maybe they always can be, and us choosing one is perhaps based on other factors? 

Last week I kept feeling like consuming isn’t as exciting as creating. But watching this movie was a thoroughly exciting experience. 

I think it’s safe to say that both consuming and creating can help resolve certain feelings, and give rise to new ones as well. Should we always pick creation though, since it adds more value to the world? Or is that even true? I’m sure when we consume certain things, we are in some (many) ways adding value to the ones who created them. So it’s also safe to say that both are equally valuable to the world.

So it looks like both activities can 

  1. help resolve certain feelings 
  2. help create new feelings 
  3. add some value to the world

So how do we even pick between them? Is it even a competition? Maybe they can work together for us.

Or maybe we can think about what are the requirements for each of these. 

consuming 

I feel like when we want to consume to resolve certain feelings, we might need to have an idea of what we want to consume for that to happen. If that’s not the case it’ll probably just end up working as a numbing agent.

And when we’re doing it to create new feelings, the main things we need are probably time and an open-mind. 

creating 

In this case, when the driving factor is feelings resolution, I think it’s simpler – if we follow them, they pretty much do the work we need. It might be safe to say that we need at least one of (ideas, feelings) to create something. I suppose the best things come around when the two work together?

Eh, I don’t know where I’m going with this. There’s not much more to say on this right now so I’ll give it a rest and stop forcing myself to come up with something.

—

*12 hours later*

Went back to Visa’s post about “reflecting on why” since I remember reading some stuff about this topic on it. He talks about how being really, deeply useful to a lot of people is something that could fulfill him. I think that’s a good, different framing for “adding value to the world”, and I think that’s one of my unfulfilled needs at this time as well. This often comes to us in different words, right? Impact, purpose, calling. Feeling needed, feeling like you exist, for something or someone else. It doesn’t have to be a single thing or person, as long as the sum of the value you’re adding to the world is enough for your own satisfaction.

I suppose my dissatisfaction is coming from the fact (or the feeling) that for the last few months I’ve only been “taking” support from people. Taking, taking and taking. At work as well as personal relationships. So bear in mind that when I say “creating”, I don’t only mean art or media, it can really be anything. I guess at its core I probably just mean “creating value”. 

Not to say there’s anything wrong with seeking support and maybe needing that for extended periods of time as well. I do believe in the idea of “secure your own mask first before assisting others”. Or with things that cannot be fully resolved, it’s okay to do it somewhat parallely as well. But yes, it does create an unfulfilled need. Finding small ways of adding value could probably help with that. Creating small units of “content” has been quite nice for the same reason, so far. Offering support to junior team members at work is another – I plan to do this the coming week. Of course, one would say, if you really wanna add so much “value” to the world, why don’t you go out and do some social work? Honestly, it’s a valid counter. I wonder why the thought of it is not as exciting. Is there something about me wanting to provide value in “my own, unique”ways? Wanting to feel special, even?

It makes sense then why creating could generally be more exciting than consuming. Consuming in “my own special way” can only work if I can communicate that to someone (examples: give an artist feedback about how their work impacted me, or tell someone a story about how a particular experience shaped me). Creating on the other hand probably has that “uniqueness” built in itself. 

Do I want to summarize this? Not really sure. I’ll just end with maybe the factors I might want to look out for the next time I have a chunk of time and I can’t decide what to do with it. When picking between two activities, I probably want to optimize for these and ask myself if the activity will:

  • help resolve certain feelings 
    • do i know which feelings i want to resolve and what kind of content or activities can help me do that? 
  • help create new feelings 
    • am i open-minded at this point of time? emotionally, intellectually 
  • add value to the world 
    • do i have ideas and skills
  • add value that only i can provide / honor my uniqueness
    • do i have ideas and skills