Tag: intentions

100b – this project is complete!

All said and done, things have been pretty decent. I think I am, after all, liking writing a bit more than music right now, even over the last few weeks, maybe a couple months. Maybe it’s just that it’s easier to do, less inertia, but whatever the reasons and the factors, I do end up engaging with this form of outlet/expression more than others. 

But the question still remains: what should I write about? 

I’ve always told myself I can just write about whatever’s in my head and slowly, steadily, I’ll find things to write about. Like I did, yesterday, wrote a bit about pride. But this “obvious topic formation” only happens once in a few weeks for me. I can write about my thoughts and feelings, which I do, but I imagine this gets boring for the readers. I don’t know. Probably need to keep the judgement out of it. 

100K words are done! Feeling super happy about that, no doubt. It only took me 4 years LOL. I kid, I think it’s fine that it took as long as it did. I hadn’t planned to “rush”, anyway. 

I’d like to reduce therapy sessions from once a week to once in a couple weeks, I think I’m ready for that. I did some intention setting for June and feeling okay about it. I do feel some sort of a void wrt work and fulfilment, but I don’t think I can address it right now, so not sure what to do about it really. 

I just realised that a lot of the stuff I’m talking about, I’ve already talked about in my previous word-vomit too. Oh, well. I guess it just means that it’s not “solved” yet. 

I’ve been away from reading for a bit though, maybe I get back to that this month. I imagine that’ll definitely give me some new material to think about and process (consciously and subconsciously). 

Overall, I feel content and peaceful, for the most part. I’m about to turn 29 in August but that doesn’t stress me out or worry me either (as it shouldn’t). There’s enough things to be grateful for, and I really am. 

Yeah, I think that’s it for now. I’m not really able to get into a reflective zone right now. Will end this post by listing out my intentions for June: 

  • More reading (new reading) 
  • More long-form essays 
  • 1 or 2 open-mics 
  • Travel planning finalise 
  • Health (reducing nicotine) (it’s been stable for the last month or so and I think it’s time to cut it out a bit more)
  • Exploring gender a bit more 

Onward! Hope you’re all having a decent summer! Cheers xx 

099a – reflective

Haven’t written for over a week. It’s been a decent one, for the most parts. Delhi summers is quite exhausting, however. Not sure how I feel about the coming two months. Realised today that my house lease ends sooner than I thought so that’s something I need to process, and then I also need to take some time out to decide whether or not I want to look for work anytime soon. I don’t know if I can handle (or cope with) two big rocks on my head. 

Going to hang with friends tonight, looking forward to it, been a while. Have some friends visiting next week and also have a weekend trip planned towards the end of the month. Looking forward to both these things. 

Relationship stuff has been pretty smooth so far, quite happy and grateful about that, don’t want to take that lightly. 

My back has been aching for the whole week now— not sure I slept weird or whether it’s the age that’s starting to show up (haha). (Feel stupid to even laugh at this because part of me doesn’t want to make age-based jokes and part of me is genuinely worried whether age-based issues are going to start bothering me at this very (in many ways) young age. 

I think I’m going to take out some time over the weekend and set some intentions for May! Feeling kind of excited about it so I’d love to make use of the energy.

Stopped writing this last night because I didn’t have a lot of time, but back at it today morning. Had a great night, unexpectedly fulfilling actually. 

Woke up feeling a bit reflective today morning for some reason, and it made me realise that these days I feel like I have more memories already in my head (or my body or my heart, whatever) that I feel like I don’t have the space to go out and make new ones. I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day and she was sharing some memories of us from back when I was 2 or 3 (I had asked her if she remembers anything) and really, it was quite overwhelming (in a good way though). [Sidebar: I’m trying to find a word for this—ie overwhelming but in a good way but I can’t.] 

The general theme from yesterday seems to be documentation and preservation. Even with the folks I hung out with, we were actually exchanging a lot of stories from our pasts. 

This week I also complete a year to having moved from Amsterdam to Delhi. I hope I can find some time to reflect upon it all. 

Of course, documentation ties this post up nicely too. Happy to be doing this, happy to be making notes. Happy to preserve and document and reflect on here so I can continue to make more memories, ie live more and live as much as I can. 

Happy May, folks! xx 

069a – passive writing, intentions for the week

I want to sleep before 4am today. Because I really want to wake up before noon tomorrow. Which means writing a word-vomit now, doing some reading and then literally just switching off the lights by 3:45am. Had some friends over today and realised I really care about them. One of them I was meeting after more than 6 months and he’s been going through a bit of tough time. Him getting me upto speed is when I realised how much I really felt for him. 

I’ve been a bit triggered about lacking a romantic relationship over the last couple days so today was a bit of grieving the last person I dated. I thought I was mostly over them but today brought some new (old) inner feelings out, I guess. It’s been over a month since we ended things and I expected this much time to be enough for me to grieve. But maybe I need a few weeks more. 

I’ve decided to purchase an electric and a semi-acoustic guitar soon but the research part of the purchases is not very fun. 

I think I definitely want to complete 2 more songs before the end of this year. That’s doable, I think. 

I haven’t taken a flight in a while. I think I’m missing the feeling. Even though flights and travel give me some anxiety, I think even WITH the anxiety, the overall feeling is nice and interesting. Maybe I’ll go somewhere early December.
I guess I used to think the net feeling in a moment is the “sum” of your positive and negative feelings but I think it’s not really that. It’s not [happiness minus anxiety = less happiness]. It’s just (happiness, anxiety). This is actually quite interesting to me. (#epiphanies)

This word-vomit is slow because I keep getting distracted. I’m really tired today though I don’t know why. I’ve slept enough and I didn’t do much. Maybe it’s just that. I didn’t do anything refreshing.

Do I really not have any thoughts at the moment? How is that possible?

I have many tasks to do this week, most of which I’m not looking forward to. So, then, what am I looking forward to, if not those tasks? How can I make this week a bit nice? There’s an open-mic I could sign up for potentially, but I don’t know what songs I’d want to sing. Okay yes, I think I can do this. It’s a task that’s the right amount of challenging, plus it’ll also be nice to move towards my medium-term goal of doing ten open-mics by the mid of next year. It’s also at this queer/mixer event type thing so it could potentially be nice to meet some new people, and I’ve been meaning to find ways to do that anyway.

I want to get back to 1000-word posts because I think more stuff comes out when you write 1000-word posts as opposed to shorter ones, so yeah– that’s something I’ll probably start doing soon. I’ve also decided I’m not switching to substack until I’ve written 10-long posts/essays that I’m actually satisfied with (where the satisfaction rating is at least a 7/10). Alright, these conclusions feel good. 

059b – weekly updates and open questions

Last week was a busy week. It was a decent week, though. Lots of ups and downs— but lots of rich moments and experiences, so that’s been nice. A good amount of movement on small tasks and things I’ve been wanting to do for a while now, so that feels great. 

However, I’m a little tired of all evaluative aspects of my life. Or the fact that I’m approaching all aspects of my life with an evaluative lens (maybe because I feel like I need to “figure things out”). I think the most confusing part of life is work and career. I feel pulled in many directions and a part of me knows picking something can be important to “move” but part of me is also not okay with giving up certain things. 

Although I told myself last week that I’m NOT actually pulled in too many directions, ie it’s manageable if I don’t want to give up any of them yet, I think I get triggered when something new inspires me in a way that I feel like acting upon it immediately. Basically, I get triggered when something (a new piece of information, event, experience, stimulus etc) makes me question or doubt my prioritisations that I may have done. What does this mean for me? I suppose it just means that I go over why I’ve currently prioritised tasks/projects the way I have and then just trust that reasoning. And then treat new piece of stimulus as important enough to maybe “make a note of” but then not go into a reprioritisation exercise every-time I do get triggered. 

I guess there’s still a lot more scope for action over thinking on a daily basis. That’s essentially where the dissatisfaction is coming from. Even if I need to reflect or “think”, I should only be doing it in the written / journal / notes form. Thinking within my brain is definitely not helping me at all. In fact, it’s starting to become a major blocker / time-sink. 

Open Questions / Todos: 

  • Reflections on art and in what ways I like to engage, are there limits? Can I add 1-2 hours of structured learning a week so that I can make more progress on the skills I want to improve on? Should these skills only be pursued if I aim to “make” something out of them (ie a career) or can I trust that learning for the sake of learning is fine too? 
  • I’ve been thinking that I want to start looking for part-time jobs or internship opportunities probably in Jan / Feb. Does that feel okay and if not— why? 
  • I’ve been wanting to make a short trip to a hilly destination for a while now but haven’t been able to make this a priority yet.. though I’m not sure why. So yeah I suppose I should prioritise this now.

  • I’ve been giving 3-4 hours a week to volunteer work, but it’s been a bit draining and I’ve had more requests come to me. I do want to continue to do this though, so I need to figure out a way that I can plan this better so it can be a little easier on me.