Tag: jobs

110a – unhappy with the world

It’s only ten days into February but already a lot seems to have happened. Y and I celebrated a year of being together and that was super fun. We both ended up making a lot of hand-made gifts etc so it was really nice to be involved with all that for a few whole days. On 4th though we ended up consuming a very high dosage of cbd/thc edibles which led to an incredibly terrible experience, albeit a major learning one. 

I just realised yesterday that it’s such a privilege to have even a few people who read this regularly. I was thinking about a friend of mine who genuinely reads most of my posts and it feels so nice to be seen and known. I feel like if I talk about a thing ten times it also makes it so clear to the people I know how I really feel about said thing. I suppose it can be hard to remember sometimes but this blog helps really drive some points home. 

Ooh, I finally decided to go ahead and book the damn flights to the US. Despite the dread, I am super excited to see my sis and my nephew! I’ll plan ahead a bit this time and attempt to make the flights more bearable, but let’s see. 

I’ve been playing a lot of Colonist lately (again) but it seems like I may have lost my edge— I’m losing a lot, lol. 

I’d like to get back to work sometime soon, the financial anxiety keeps eating at me. But I’m not a 100% sure  if I’m like desperate enough to do “anything” or whether I still have preferences about what kind of work I want to do. I think, the latter.. but then the financial anxiety eats at me too. 

It feels like everyone who’s in tech just wants to do AI related things, and I feel like I just can’t get myself to be onboard with it. Everything about AI related tools and hacks and solutions goes against the core of what I like— ie enjoying the process, enjoying the micro-work. How are people enjoying this? What is this all about? I don’t get it. Why is productivity and efficiency and optimisation the goal? I mean I get it, I kind of do, of course if you’re a business you’d want to increase efficiency and optimisation, but ugh.. I don’t “really” get it. I suppose I just don’t vibe with capitalism anymore. (Or late stage capitalism, as some people have told me, which is the version of capitalism that has completely ruined some of our lives). 

There’s very few companies that I can actually see myself working for, everything else is just something I can’t get onboard with, yet. I hate the idea of “marketing myself”, I absolutely hate it. Perhaps this means that I should focus on skill building so that eventually I can start something of my own. If it’s mine, I can run it the way I want, and perhaps I’ll even see the benefits of AI, then. 

Sorry, this got quite venty, though I’m pleased, because sometimes I don’t vent enough because there’s a part of me that feels the urge to do “research” before I vent. But then that stops me from expressing any thoughts and opinions at all. So, yeah. There it is: I detest late-stage capitalism, the current job market and more than everything else, I detest what AI seems to be doing to the world. 

Hope y’all are well, xx 

104a – i want to be better at making decisions (faster)

It’s 2:30 am and I need to sleep soon. Too many thoughts swirling around in my head though which means I need to journal. Didn’t get to process my day very well so here I am. Today feels like it was a little bit surreal. I made a cool connection and I kind of feel proud of how it happened. I followed my gut over something and it resulted in something real. 

I’m talking to someone about a job (internship, really) but it pays next to nothing for a good amount of time.. but I’m still curious about it. Would it make sense to go for it (since I can afford it, yes) or would it be kind of stupid to try it out.. I’m not sure. I need to sleep over it for a couple days. But I also know that if I let this marinate for too long it’ll lose steam. I guess like always it’s worth thinking about what are the fears around it. 

Fears: 

  • I don’t end up liking the work (That’s okay, I tried something and found it wasn’t for me) 
  • I regret doing free work (It’s not completely free, maybe I gain something out of it anyway) 
  • I regret “wasting a month” (But really, it wouldn’t be a waste I suppose) 

I suppose it makes sense to go ahead and do it. It’s not like they need me for a full 40 hours, so the deal in that way does work for me. It’ll get me out of the house, and I suppose I can also make time for other things while I’m at the place. 

The people seemed quite genuine, which seems like a big plus— because one of the big problems of working in the corporate culture is of course that you don’t always get authenticity around you. That could be a major plus in a work environment. 

It fits well enough into my story, I think. Maybe I can do it for the plot, maybe that’s okay too. What is a month in the grand scheme of five years? Nothing, I suppose. Or I can ask for a trial period of 2 weeks too, maybe that is something that could work. 

I’ll give myself until Friday to decide and then that’s it, no mulling over it. 

Family time did end up triggering me a bit today, but it was still kind of nice to see everyone. Whatever, I guess. 

I’ve been applying for some technical writing roles too quite extensively, thinking it could be a good fit for me considering I do miss “tech” again a bit and I still do love writing. Plus, I’ve always found a lot of joy in being able to describe “complicated” things/concepts in simpler words ie I’ve always found joy in increasing and widening accessibility of a complex/inaccessible thing. So thinking it’s worth trying out. 

Anyway that’s it on September updates. I’ll catch yall on the flippety flip. 

103b – foggy

Up early even though I don’t think I’m fully rested. Probably the jet lag. The last 3-4 days have been kind of confusing— happy to back to Delhi in some ways but also very dysregulated in some. Don’t think this is the city I want to continue to live in, but also very unsure of “where to, next”. I do feel the need to organise my space a bit, it’s been very cluttered lately and I feel like it’s a factor in how blocked I feel with “productivity”. 

Been feeling quite directionless (well, pulled in many directions) but stagnant because one is not much stronger than the others. I do miss being creative and the ability to just sit down with myself and my thoughts for hours and hours. I think I need alone time. 

The SF trip was super fun and I’m glad I did it. It did however make me feel like I do miss certain parts of that life which I must try to incorporate into my current life. What are those parts? I think better weather, more mobility, walkability, cleanliness outside, going out more often, feeling more energetic and active. But primarily, better weather. I feel like weather makes SUCH a huge difference to my nervous system but I have only properly realised that now. I don’t know how I was able to spend more than a year in India without fully realising the gravity of how much I was not able to be “fully” myself. 

There are certain things that I am interested in beginning, but unable to find myself from actually doing it. I think I’m feeling a stagnation that I just can’t describe properly. I know the only way out is to actually go ahead and do said things, but.. 

I think A needs a lot more help than she’d care to admit (and it’s the same for me, in so many ways), and I also don’t want to push any of my “new” ideas of productivity on her. Well, I don’t know where this is coming from. Maybe certain thought patters of her are affecting me a bit too. And again, that goes back to needing my alone time. 

I’m also VERY conflicted about pursuing something so that it can eventually fetch me some money or to actually go ahead and try those almost no-income internships/opportunities just to understand the kind of work that exists in those kind of roles. My heart says to opt for the latter, because not sure when’s the next time I’ll have the chance to make that kind of a choice too, what if things change in life a couple years down the line where I definitely have to make the more monetarily-informed decision.. so yes, it makes sense to go ahead with what I want right now as opposed to what I necessarily need. And yet, everytime there’s a delay in any of it, I find myself questioning things again. 

Well, there is it. I do have some answers. Going to go ahead and act on them. Cheers, folks! xx 

101b – august + restarting writing here

Starting these again. I haven’t been writing as much as I want to and I know for sure it’s because I stopped doing these. Substack just doesn’t suffice because I feel like I want to post only specific kinds of pieces over there. I do need a space to just word-vomit, really, can’t go around calling it anything else. 

Have been feeling a bit unfulfilled and dissatisfied with the work (or the lack thereof) in life lately. I’m not sure what direction to take.. I’ve shortlisted a few volunteering opportunities, maybe will apply for some this week. 

I know I don’t want to solve “tech problems”. I’ve always wanted to solve (or contribute to solving) real world problems. (Not to say that “tech problems” aren’t “real”, of course, but I hope it’s clear that I’m referring to more general problems).

Solving said problems “through tech” is what I used to think I was okay with, but at some point that road started to feel closed up as well. I drove back to a point where I kept a marker, knowing I can come back and venture down this road again if I wanted to, but hoping I wouldn’t have to. I’m on another path now, a path that may still intersect with the path I’ve left.. but for now I’m not exactly sure where to go. I hope volunteering and internships do make sense for now, because it’s probably like hitchhiking or relying on other people for direction. Of course, this world FEELS quite different and vast, but I have to think of myself as probably being a second or third year student in college, I’ve to rely a lot on other people, probably. It’s much easier to do all this when you’re a student, you have more of a beginners mindset, it’s easier to admit you’re scared, etc. But I think I need to continue to do this for now, once again. And I imagine you have to keep doing this repeatedly, for different aspects of life, so I suppose the skill is worth building too. 

I trust that I have some sort of life experience to help me, I’m not starting from scratch completely, in a way, but I really need to commit to action— regular, incremental action, otherwise I’m afraid all that experience will kind of evaporate into thin air as well. 

Also, it’s important for me to remember that when I do even a single fun, fulfilling activity in a day, it becomes easier for me to do a couple more. My “lazy brain” often makes me believe I can’t do much in a day. In the face of the fear of “pushing myself”, I sometimes end up doing nothing at all.

Of course, I need to be more intentional with routines, diet and exercise to attempt to do all these things that I need to, want to do. I have support too, and I want to find ways to use it. 

Yeah that’s it I suppose. Feeling better. Hope you’re all having a good August! xx 

065a – doubts, fears, inadequacies re: writing

“I thought I wanted to be a writer, turns out I just wanted to write.” 

I imagine I’ll be saying this a few months from now. Thinking about money or monetisation from my art makes me anxious. I definitely need to find a day-job. I’m not ready to give up all my time yet, so I plan to start looking in February. I imagine it might take up to 3-4 months for me to be able to find one, because I’ll also have to do some research on the kind of jobs I’m willing to take. 

But I want to make 10 complete songs before I start a job, and I’ve only made 2 so far. Will I push my “start looking for jobs” date if February arrives and I haven’t made 10 songs by then? I guess we’ll find out. I’m open to it, but we’ll see.  

Why do I want to make songs? I don’t know, I just feel like it’s a very fulfilling achievement. 

The college-student I teach on Sundays has been giving me a similar answer when I ask him why he doesn’t like Delhi. I’ve been teaching him English to help him with job interviews. He says “I don’t know but I just don’t like it”. 

Personal writing feels like a very selfish pursuit. Or the kind of art that I gravitate towards (ie MY feelings and MY thoughts) feels like a very selfish, self-obsessed activity. Which then re-opens the questions I haven’t taken the time out to think about, yet. Who will my audience be? I imagine I can figure that out on the way. 

I am definitely not someone who can quickly adjust to trends and what the world needs “right now” and drop comments on it. I do it sometimes but I can’t do it regularly. There was a time when people were more interested in the music I was putting out (although it was mostly covers) and they kept asking me to share stuff on streaming services but all of it doesn’t get as much engagement anymore. 

I do wonder lately if you need to be more “gifted” or “talented” or willing to make more compromises if you want to stand out with all of these things. 

But I haven’t really given anything a REAL shot yet. A real shot will have to be more planned, more patient, more sustainable. That’s fine, I can live with that for today. 

I am still interested in this problem-space. That is, I want to write, I enjoy the process, are there ways I can be better and find overlaps between the things I want to write about and the things people want to read? 

Maybe I need to go out and live more, also. 

057a – some clarity

It’s been a difficult week. Anxiety has been super active, and I’ve found that it likes to focus most on two subjects: career and love. 

The interesting thing to realise is that my anxiety doesn’t focus on geography as much lately. (I think this could be a sign that India is working well for me, potentially. However, I know that it could be conditional on the fact that I have kept my daily frustrations minimised to a high level. I think I do feel more number of smaller, daily frustrations here and yet feel more of a long-term overall groundedness. But if the frustrations were more for any reason, there is potential for that to rock that feeling of overall stability, of course). 

re: career

I’ve gotten more clarity on this as well. I’ve found that music and writing are the two forms of creative expression that I gravitate most towards (for various reasons which I know very well but don’t need to list out here). I can legit sit at home and play, sing and learn music all day, and that’d keep me at peace and also happy and also satisfied, fulfilled. If I were living in a vacuum, I’d probably continue life the way it has been over the last couple months for at least another couple years. But because we live in a society, and money is a thing, I’m thinking I’ll start looking for part-time, remote jobs (what kind, I don’t know yet) starting January. This would still allow me to continue to spend on creative pursuits, I think. And then I can always reevaluate. 

I also think I’m not a big fan of the term “career”. I don’t think I’ll be working on building another career, so to speak. I’m probably more aligned with the idea of jobs, yes, when you need money, and otherwise of course spending your time meaningfully is important, and for me that meaning can be derived from the little things. In the current phase of my life, majority of my “work”-time would be devoted to creative expression, whether or not I share the results with the world or not. It’s what allows me to best explore my inner world (and maybe even the external world), and it’s what gives me the most joy and meaning. Whether or not it’s enough for long-term satisfaction is something I’ll probably know with more time, but for now this is enough. 

re: love 

I’m learning to focus more on the present, as opposed to worries about the future. This is obviously valid for life in general too, but can sometimes really show up with relationships and dating stuff. I’m learning to work on some of my anxious-attachment symptoms, therapy has been super helpful with all of this. I’m learning to listen to my body and my gut as opposed to my mind. My mind is very loud, tuning into the body is often the only thing that helps me be closer to what I really want. 

Time to head out for my vocals lesson. Cheers!