living – untitled atm

103b – foggy

Up early even though I don’t think I’m fully rested. Probably the jet lag. The last 3-4 days have been kind of confusing— happy to back to Delhi in some ways but also very dysregulated in some. Don’t think this is the city I want to continue to live in, but also very unsure of “where to, next”. I do feel the need to organise my space a bit, it’s been very cluttered lately and I feel like it’s a factor in how blocked I feel with “productivity”.

Been feeling quite directionless (well, pulled in many directions) but stagnant because one is not much stronger than the others. I do miss being creative and the ability to just sit down with myself and my thoughts for hours and hours. I think I need alone time.

The SF trip was super fun and I’m glad I did it. It did however make me feel like I do miss certain parts of that life which I must try to incorporate into my current life. What are those parts? I think better weather, more mobility, walkability, cleanliness outside, going out more often, feeling more energetic and active. But primarily, better weather. I feel like weather makes SUCH a huge difference to my nervous system but I have only properly realised that now. I don’t know how I was able to spend more than a year in India without fully realising the gravity of how much I was not able to be “fully” myself.

There are certain things that I am interested in beginning, but unable to find myself from actually doing it. I think I’m feeling a stagnation that I just can’t describe properly. I know the only way out is to actually go ahead and do said things, but..

I think A needs a lot more help than she’d care to admit (and it’s the same for me, in so many ways), and I also don’t want to push any of my “new” ideas of productivity on her. Well, I don’t know where this is coming from. Maybe certain thought patters of her are affecting me a bit too. And again, that goes back to needing my alone time.

I’m also VERY conflicted about pursuing something so that it can eventually fetch me some money or to actually go ahead and try those almost no-income internships/opportunities just to understand the kind of work that exists in those kind of roles. My heart says to opt for the latter, because not sure when’s the next time I’ll have the chance to make that kind of a choice too, what if things change in life a couple years down the line where I definitely have to make the more monetarily-informed decision.. so yes, it makes sense to go ahead with what I want right now as opposed to what I necessarily need. And yet, everytime there’s a delay in any of it, I find myself questioning things again.

Well, there is it. I do have some answers. Going to go ahead and act on them. Cheers, folks! xx

092a – promises, caution and chatter

I don’t like making promises I can’t keep. But in the moment when you’re really enjoying time with someone I tend to say “let’s do this again” instead of “I’m having such a good time”. I guess I’d like to change this.

Which is why long distance friendships are sometimes so much easier to maintain. You meet someone for a weekend once a year and you get to tell them how much you enjoy time with them, you both know there isn’t much point in making plans for another few months. Even when you do talk about taking trips, it’s not as high stakes because you know it’s okay if you don’t execute these plans. And you can somehow trust that the other person knows it too. Then, if you do execute them— it’s a bonus.

But maybe the fear of disappointing others also comes from the very childlike “disappointed” part of me. Broken promises, maybe I still carry the hurt from them.

Now, I can trust that other people are adults too. Of course, I do want to be careful with my word. But things do change sometimes, we do say things a little impulsively. We can’t always stop ourselves. I am a little impulsive and I am a little moody but that doesn’t mean that I don’t mean the things I say. But sure, I can still afford to be a little more careful, overall.

Anyway, that’s a bit of thoughts and rambles and now I must make space for some chatter. Pretty occupied with social and family time till the first week of March and then there’s a music open mic coming up in the last week of March— would like to prepare seriously for that. By the end of March, I would also like to wrap up a a teaching project I had taken on a few months ago. I’ve been off and on with that and I’d like to see it through.

I completed 6-7 months in Delhi recently and I think I really like being here. Apart from the weather, most things are pretty good. I feel like there’s mostly a good amount of fun things going on (friends, family, hobbies etc) which is the primary reason I don’t feel like I need to think about geography too much. I’d like to be here at least throughout 2024 and then I can always recheck or reevaluate.

My most important task on a daily or weekly basis though is making enough time for myself and creative work. If I don’t do this, I end up discontent. As long as I keep writing and/or engaging with music or photography “enough”, I feel like things don’t get too bad.

Success for me is more good days than bad days and enough time for art and creativity and people I love and by that definition I’d say I’m pretty happy. Sleep has also been much better over the last couple weeks and I’m pretty grateful for that.

Alright I think that’ll be it from me today. Hope y’all have a good end to February! xx

067a – jacob collier + taking up space + living

This is a bit of a morning pages kind of word-vomit and I don’t know yet whether I’ll post it. Let’s see.

Yesterday was.. quite something. Saw Jacob Collier live and I imagine I’ll be talking about this for years to come. I already feel like I might have been a bit annoying about it with friends, family and social media. I don’t know.

There is definitely a voice in my head that thinks taking up too much space isn’t okay. I think a bit of it it comes from my parents— my dad takes up too much space in rooms, my mother’s been taught not to. Although, she does take up a decent amount of space in certain rooms, I know she makes herself smaller in some.

Although I’ve gotten MUCH better at taking up space, and I think it’s a very good thing, I do wonder where and when I might have internalised this though.

Jacob Collier actually talks about this a lot, and although I mostly agree with him, I do wonder if there’s one point he’s not addressing though, which is skill. The people who get good at “creatively” taking space will obviously find it easier to do that. And there is also the second aspect of subjectivity. The other day at reading circle it was easier to take space because the people around were similar to me in many ways. So there was a natural connect, resonance. But if I go talk about the same things in front of people who’ve never had any of those experiences AND are not open / curious enough to listen to what I’m saying, then taking up space will end up making me feel bad, probably.

Then maybe the thing to get better at is how to not take the lack of connect, resonance or general engagement personally. If I’m taking up space and someone has a non-positive reaction or feeling about it, that’s not something I can really help. Or maybe there is a way to take space while bringing the other into it along with you.

Anyway, that was a nice little side-trip.

I saw Jacob Collier live and I imagine I’ll be talking about it for years to come with anyone who will listen. There’s obviously a lot of thoughts and feelings and I’d love to really “evaluate” them all but I’m not going to do that right now. Maybe another time.

Because I’ve had a lot of (ie sufficient) time for emotions and art lately, I sometimes get the feeling that I’m not “living” enough. I don’t know if that’s true though. I imagine that the time I spend engaging with all of these art forms (and learning) should count as living, even if I’m doing it by myself? Or maybe this feeling comes from feeling quite happy and content over the last couple weeks and I’m not too sure how it’s possible that I’m so happy and content. There it is— these last couple weeks have been the happiest I’ve been in at least the last 5-6 months. Are there important things missing from my life, still? Of course. Is there a lot of emotional work I need to do still? Of course. Are there certain situations I still avoid in order to maintain this sense of peace and calm? Of course.

But am I also regularly moving towards the things I want, the emotional healing I crave, the avoidance I want to cut out? Also yes. Is it slow movement? Yes. But it’s what’s tolerable. I cannot make it faster, that’s just not in my capacity.

Do I still sometimes worry about things suddenly going wrong, or events I may not be able to tolerate? Of course. But I’m trying to let those worries be passing, and not engage with them all the time.

People, nature and art will be the light to follow while of course being cognisant of my (somewhat limited) capacity to take in the new.