Tag: loneliness

040a – connecting with myself

Haven’t written one of these in a while. Been going through a lot of stuff lately, not eventfully but feelings wise, but as a result I’ve finally gotten back into a little bit of working out that I’d completely given up for almost the last 6 months. So I did some good amount just now and I’m feeling spent. Post-workout clarity has also allowed myself to cancel a thing I was kind of dreading so I have the rest of the day free now.

The last 2-3 days have been pretty decent though, and the week overall too. Though I think my social life can be a little better and a little more fulfilling, overall not much to complain about these days. It’s getting a little less cold outside as well so that’s been a major pick-me-up. Creatively, I feel better too. Been writing a little bit and clicking pictures again, and that always makes me feel super nice. 

Really wanna make the most of this place and the people in the next two months so I can feel somewhat satisfied with my time here. (ie Amsterdam)

Anyway, something that was coming up a lot in the couple weeks before the one that just went by was a lot of feelings of loneliness and isolation. Some of it was just coming by due to not enough daytime plans and not enough socialisation in general, but I think of some of it was just my own. Something that came up in therapy is how feeling disconnected from even myself can cause this. And that feels true, as I’ve finally incorporated a little more physical activity and movement in my own routine, I’m feeling more connected with myself again. (This was what I knew I needed, this could of course differ for you)

One other thing I’ve been trying to do more of is learn more about art, what it is, how important it is to me and the world, etc etc. And I’ve talked about this before but I think a question that often comes up for me is whether there’s a difference between art and entertainment. (This comes up because personally I like to think about whether something I’m putting out in the world is just entertaining or whether it serves a bigger purpose. And while I don’t deny that entertainment does have its own value, I do think art is a little different.) But I finally found my answer with this quote by Erik Hoel: Entertainment, etymologically speaking, means “to maintain, to keep someone in a certain frame of mind.” Art, however, changes us. I’m sure there’s a lot of research on these two concepts and how they tie together, I’m sure a lot of people have different opinions about this, but for me, I think I agree with this idea that not all entertainment can be “art”. Stumbled upon this quote from Brody Deschanel’s channel, which itself has some really well-researched and well written video essays on a variety of topics. 

So, to recap:

  1. Had a few lonely and isolating weeks, realised that connection with myself can be a good solution too, when I can’t always hang out with other people.
  2. Entertainment and art are both valuable, but I think art serves a bigger purpose than entertainment. 

036a – updates and questions

“How are you?” — Nobody’s asked me that in a while. Well, at least not in a way where I could have told them how I am, really. Actually, I suppose mom kinda did ask me this today, but it didn’t feel enough. Not sure why. 

It feels silly to think about this while the US is going through a massive setback. While my social media feed has already made me numb to the news. But it is what it is, I suppose. I feel what I feel. And what I feel is some kind of loneliness, as I often do. 

I’m in India for a month, for my sister’s wedding. Super happy for her and all that, of course. But it’s been a lot of work, and I don’t see that changing. It’d all be fine, I feel, except I have a big problem to solve within the next 3 weeks. It’s an administrative problem, so not really worth talking about here, but suffice to say it’s taking up a lot of mental space and isn’t something I can avoid.   

I feel like Indian weddings really need to be scaled down a bit. Or I don’t know. The brunt of planning really shouldn’t fall on civilians like us, unless they really want it to. Or well, I guess I’m just unhappy with the situation I’m in, and I don’t need to generalize it for the whole country. Point being, I feel like I could have been way happier for her if there wasn’t such a huge, stressful multiple day event being planned around it. I am an anxious cat, after all.

Sometimes I really wonder if I need to delete my social media accounts etc. I’m definitely spending more time on scrolling than I want to be. My counter has always been that I really enjoy posting (creative outlet, etc) and that that part of it isn’t addictive either. So if I delete accounts completely, what would then be a good replacement for the part that acts a nice little motivator for my creative pursuits? I don’t know yet. I think the simple answer is that it’ll have to be more internal. And I feel like I have it in me, but it feels like a big change. I suppose that’s all the more reason to do it. I don’t really need it anyway.

I’m also a little sad that I’ve only been doing 500-word posts lately and no 1000-word posts. I feel like some of the good stuff really comes up when you push past the discomfort that comes up around 600-650 words. I guess I’ll keep this in mind the next time.

Alright, last chunk. Some questions I want to think about, whenever I find some time for myself: 

  • [Ick] Career stuff. This is really icky right now, but I really need to look into this. 
  • [Ick] Geography stuff. Should I think about this independently, or otherwise? 
  • [Task] Restart therapy and singing lessons. The only two things which were providing a nice routine for me up until March. And hopefully therapy can also help me find some time for the former two issues. 

Okay I’m out, good night!