Tag: loss

069a – passive writing, intentions for the week

I want to sleep before 4am today. Because I really want to wake up before noon tomorrow. Which means writing a word-vomit now, doing some reading and then literally just switching off the lights by 3:45am. Had some friends over today and realised I really care about them. One of them I was meeting after more than 6 months and he’s been going through a bit of tough time. Him getting me upto speed is when I realised how much I really felt for him. 

I’ve been a bit triggered about lacking a romantic relationship over the last couple days so today was a bit of grieving the last person I dated. I thought I was mostly over them but today brought some new (old) inner feelings out, I guess. It’s been over a month since we ended things and I expected this much time to be enough for me to grieve. But maybe I need a few weeks more. 

I’ve decided to purchase an electric and a semi-acoustic guitar soon but the research part of the purchases is not very fun. 

I think I definitely want to complete 2 more songs before the end of this year. That’s doable, I think. 

I haven’t taken a flight in a while. I think I’m missing the feeling. Even though flights and travel give me some anxiety, I think even WITH the anxiety, the overall feeling is nice and interesting. Maybe I’ll go somewhere early December.
I guess I used to think the net feeling in a moment is the “sum” of your positive and negative feelings but I think it’s not really that. It’s not [happiness minus anxiety = less happiness]. It’s just (happiness, anxiety). This is actually quite interesting to me. (#epiphanies)

This word-vomit is slow because I keep getting distracted. I’m really tired today though I don’t know why. I’ve slept enough and I didn’t do much. Maybe it’s just that. I didn’t do anything refreshing.

Do I really not have any thoughts at the moment? How is that possible?

I have many tasks to do this week, most of which I’m not looking forward to. So, then, what am I looking forward to, if not those tasks? How can I make this week a bit nice? There’s an open-mic I could sign up for potentially, but I don’t know what songs I’d want to sing. Okay yes, I think I can do this. It’s a task that’s the right amount of challenging, plus it’ll also be nice to move towards my medium-term goal of doing ten open-mics by the mid of next year. It’s also at this queer/mixer event type thing so it could potentially be nice to meet some new people, and I’ve been meaning to find ways to do that anyway.

I want to get back to 1000-word posts because I think more stuff comes out when you write 1000-word posts as opposed to shorter ones, so yeah– that’s something I’ll probably start doing soon. I’ve also decided I’m not switching to substack until I’ve written 10-long posts/essays that I’m actually satisfied with (where the satisfaction rating is at least a 7/10). Alright, these conclusions feel good. 

028a – are you up to speed?

Haven’t posted in a while, I start things but don’t end up completing them. This is definitely going to be a good old word-vomit. Hoping to complete it tonight. Things have been busy, somehow. I moved to my own place a few weeks back and though it’s all been nothing short of spectacular, it’s definitely also been a little lonelier, if I’m being honest. I did expect a little bit of that to happen, and I’d promised myself I’d have some structures in place to not let it get out of hand. Structures like a minimum of two social activities per week (one during the week and one on the weekend), and mostly – I’ve been abiding by that. But looks like I might need three of those? Or I might need the two to be really fulfilling… 

Got my second shot of the Pfizer vaccine a couple days ago and had a high fever as a side effect. Again – this was something expected but I’d forgotten what it feels like, don’t think I’ve had a fever in the last two years (hurrah!), so it was definitely very draining, exhausting.  

Also been feeling a little bit anxious here and there. Part of me feels like it’s because I haven’t written in a while. Biweekly summaries of “what’s been up” have been quite helpful in the recent past, and even though I’ve been catching up with people and giving them a bit of all of this – it’s not the same as doing it for (?) myself. I think it’s because when there’s other people involved – new things sometimes get added up. Probably things like – feelings about their reactions, their own updates, this, that. 

I think most of the anxiety and the fog is because of the state of the pandemic back home – the second wave hit India really hard and pretty much everyone I know is or has been suffering – either directly or through families. My grandfather passed away too, and though he lived a long, full life and it had to happen one way or the other, it’s been weird to grieve while I’m away from the rest of my family. It’s been weird to half-heartedly grieve, since I know most of it will hit me only when I visit his home. That’s where most of him resides, for me, and I can’t fully feel or process his absence until I actually go there. And I don’t really know when I’ll get to go, considering how unsafe it’d be to travel to India right now. 

Thankfully work’s not been too stressful the last couple weeks. I managed to get a decent amount of time for many of my creative pursuits, I’m recording a lot of music, doing a decent bit of photography, meeting new people – enjoying it a lot. Want to ensure I keep working hard enough to sustain this job. I see the benefits of it from time to time. 

Well, looks like we’re done. I want to post something I wrote the morning I heard about baba’s death, but maybe I’ll wrap it up around some context and post it soon.