Tag: medication

079a – rest & recovery (2)

Slept a lot today, woke up towards the tail-end of the afternoon after a very long time. I think sleep, a little bit of laziness and slothness are my primary vices at the moment. I’m not being too hard on myself since it’s December and the anxiety medication has a role to play in the added sleepiness as well, but sleep schedule has always been a problem for me so I don’t want to let it get too out of hand. Getting a good amount of daylight is very important since it really messes up a lot of routinely things. Social commitments, chores, and of course general mood and feelings. 

I think I’m ready to start moving towards some stability soon. Which means I’ll have to start looking for part-time work even though I don’t know what kind I want. I think I’m now in the state where creative pursuits can be pursued in parallel, and I don’t need to devote all my waking time to them. 

Spoke to a close friend today about some of the stuff I’ve been avoiding and she was super supportive, it was quite nice to receive reassurance and comfort about some of the things I’ve been really fearful of. Resistance towards experimentation, exploration and potential change. But she was of the belief that exploration is worthwhile and can really get you closer to your true, real self and it is generally worth it, even if it’s tough. We’ll see, I guess. 

I don’t think I have a lot to write/vomit about today so I’ll keep this one short. What are my intentions for December? I think health is primary and I’ve probably mentioned this before. I was feeling pretty stuck musically but I’ve been getting melody ideas again so that’s nice. I do need to come back to songs and summon some discipline though so I can complete some of these ideas I have. I don’t know why it becomes so tough in certain weeks. I had a nice couple weeks in November when I was wrapping up a lot of loose threads, I’d love to be able to operate the same way again. I guess I just need to get over myself and do it. But can you really gaslight yourself into doing things? I don’t know. I’ll find out, I’ll make some time post-dinner today. 

Community stuff has been nice, I’ve met some nice people lately and also been spending more pleasant time with parents and old friends who keep visiting. Winters makes everything a little tougher but I guess there aren’t a lot of good solutions for this. Maybe I just invest in better clothing though. 

Alright so what are my priorities for this week and the next? 

  • Wrap up a couple songs (at least first drafts) 
  • Get some health related tasks done 
  • Continue writing word-vomits if not essays 
  • Maybe make some time for dating if I can 

Sounds good enough, I’ll write later! 

078b – rest and recovery

Fun, beauty and truth. Maybe just incorporating enough of these elements in a sustainable way is what I need to be doing for this chapter of my life. It’s been incredibly difficult over the last two weeks and yet, I know that I’ve faced difficult life situations before and why should this be any different? Or even if it is, it doesn’t mean I can’t face it. 

Writing and music are the two things I can still do while nothing else makes sense, so here I am. 

I’ve started anxiety medication again (the last time I tried them was in 2021) and I don’t know why but my body seems to be resisting them a bit. Obviously I’ll discuss this with therapist and psychiatrist but regardless wanted to note down this feeling. 

My biggest worry with medication has always been whether it can hamper my creativity (since overall toned down feelings could potentially reduce my motivation to “express”), but in the past that wasn’t the case. I’m hoping that’s not going to be the case this time as well. 

When I started the “what do I like to do” question journey, something I would constantly tell myself is that it’s okay to not know. I wonder why I’m not able to tell that to myself when it comes to the gender question also? Gender is going to be such a complex thing, how can I possibly know in a month or two? I need to be open and patient with myself as I address this question. 

Of course, I might need a lot of help, from people who aren’t even in my universe yet, so I need to make actionable tasks for how I can possibly find this help, support and resources that I might need. 

If being alive is the ultimate creative act, maybe it’s okay to take my time as I figure out what I want “me” and “my life” to look like. 

But yes, I do feel some apathy towards my form which I’m obviously not very happy about. 

How to approach open questions sustainably, then, becomes an important question. 

When I had a lot of work stress I asked my manager if I could take a week off. Maybe right now I just need a week off from personal stuff. From everything. Maybe I just want a week off from thoughts and feelings. I suppose that’s okay too. Because survival over truth, at the moment. 

Yes, I think it makes sense to want rest, physical and mental. I’m just going to take it easy till Sunday. Do the bare minimum, and not push myself. Maybe focus on food and rejuvenation. 


Alright looks like we have a plan, onward!