Tag: mental-health

105 – unblocking

If you write (or create any sort of content, for that matter), you are constantly on the lookout for material. Sometimes it’s fun because it happens automatically, but at times it’s quite draining too. Yes, people have talked about this before— how the reflex of “documenting a moment” can really kill the moment itself. Especially with writing, a lot of the advice points to this— document as much as you can, make as many notes as you can, because for sure memory is going to fail you. But I’ve found this to be consistently true in my days lately… I do feel like I’m stealing myself away from the present moment if I’m constantly trying to document it. How does one balance this? I’d like to figure that out. 

Anyway, came here to note this thought down (how meta of me), but might just do a word-vomit instead. Y and I have been cat-sitting for a friend (it’s two cats!) which we were very excited about initially but it turned out be quite a.. lot. The mother cat (Mimo) isn’t spayed and in heat which was a lot for her to handle (and for us too). She seemed like she was under a lot of stress— yowling for hours at end, constantly wanting to go out, hissing at her daughter (Bailey) a lot, and wanting a lot of attention from us too. Even though we absolutely loved giving her the attention she needed, we’re two people who get overstimulated very easily so it was all a bit too much for us to handle. We’re transferring ownership to a friend of the owner’s tomorrow, so looking forward to some relief and quiet. The cats are adorable though, I know I’m going to miss them too. 

It was a nice distraction from the “tasks” of life, of course.. and I did learn that maybe I can’t have cats in the future like I always thought I would. This is disappointing of course, but this is also not final since of course a spayed (or neutered cat) would be easier to handle, I know that. Definitely don’t think I can do kids though, that’s confirmed. 

I was reading this first post that I ever wrote on this blog, because I feel like I’m stuck in a similar situation again. It’s interesting to see just how much I had to write! Like so many thoughts and feelings. I don’t feel that way anymore. Sometimes I sit in front of the laptop or the journal and nothing comes out of me. And I know deep down that it’s not because I don’t have stuff to talk about, it’s just because I’ve become a bit avoidant with some of my feelings. This was never an issue for me, avoidance is a relatively new issue, to be very honest. Which is probably why I haven’t taken it very seriously either. Acknowledging that I’m somewhat avoidant about certain things also means that I have to face that I used to judge other “avoidants” in the past. I know most of it is not in our control, avoidance/anxiety about “problems” are just copes, and different people cope differently. And to be fair, “avoidance” is a bit easier to manage than anxiety is.. I think I just liked not feeling super anxious all the time. 

But I know.. I know, to write, or do anything, to move at all, I do have to face whatever it is that’s going on. 

One happy thing before I talk about what I think my current open problems are in life: in the post (the first post), I talk about “dreaming about composing music”! I’d never realised I used to dream about it. Like I’d never acknowledged this dream properly enough to myself! But I’ve successfully composed a few songs, so the dream has been realised.. pretty proud of this! There’s a lesson here— we need to fully acknowledge and voice our dreams to ourselves, otherwise when they come true we won’t even know that we have something worth celebrating! 

Anyway, now to the question of what are the main areas I want to be working towards over the next.. <undecided time-frame>: 

  1. Work stuff, what I want to do for work, job search etc 
  2. Geography.. I have no idea how I will tackle this but I do want to 
  3. Gender stuff— even though this isn’t as urgent as it was maybe even a few months ago, I know  it doesn’t feel fully resolved.. and I know it’s okay for it to take the time it needs, but I don’t want to “not engage” and let the time pass. The “time it needs” will be much longer if I keep running away from the issue. 
  4. Health, too

So, yep, that’s it for now. 

My key takeaways (mostly for myself but also for you in case they’re relevant)?— 

  1. Foster multiple types of cats (and kittens) before adopting and committing for the long haul. 
  2. Balancing documentation with presence is important. 
  3. Voice your dreams! There’ll be more to celebrate if (/when) they come true. 
  4. Compartmentalisation is okay, avoidance is not. 

Cheers, folks xx 

079b – orange skies

There’s a bit of orange and a bit of pink in the sky again and I realise I’m safe and happy. The last couple of weeks have been tough but coming back to my parents’ home has started feeling really nice lately. Earlier my dad used to ask me to visit every weekend and I used to feel like I don’t have the time, even though time is something I do have but lately it’s been effortless to make these trips every weekend. Maybe I’ve been needing my parents’ affection a little more and it feels nice to lay next to dad or mom and not think about the troubles of the world. 

I told my therapist that I sometimes feel like a kid and it feels like it’s the real me and I feel really alive. She mentioned this could be my inner child talking. Apparently the inner child needs a lot of safety but in this safety you can access parts of yourself that you may really want to integrate in your present self. Will read more on this at some point. 

The other day a few of us were talking about problems and I noticed myself being inconsistent. I said that I feel like I have a lot of problems— more than my friends do, but then I was also talking about theories of happiness and when someone challenged one of those theories I felt like I had to state that I am happy. The judgemental part of me thinks I’m being inconsistent but the other part of me knows I’m not. Happiness is fleeting, and just because I have a lot of problems— maybe even big ones— maybe ones that I don’t think most people do— doesn’t mean I can’t feel happy on most days. Or at least, today, I’m happy. Or right now, I’m happy. I mean on most days, isn’t peace and happiness just the ability to feel a variety of emotions and not be resisting them? Time and again we come back to this. And yet when the negative emotions get a lot, we forget this. Or at least, I do. Or at least, I did over the last couple weeks. 

I mean this could just be antidepressants talking, but even if that’s the case, why not?

I must admit, lately I’ve been appreciating that financials help a lot with security, etc. I’m glad I made some “wise” choices in terms of financials and education (albeit due to my parents’ influence). This is important to note because then I can continue to make long-term “wise” choices even as I continue to take other risks in the coming medium-term. 

I’ve made some progress on my 10-songs project and I’m feeling pretty good about it. I’ve always thought of myself as “sad girl” but lately I’ve been making a lot of silly fun songs too and that feels pretty great. 

I keep getting up to go to the balcony to click pictures of the sky and I feel hopeful and calm and optimistic. On that note, I’ll end this. 

Hope you have a good week! 

079a – rest & recovery (2)

Slept a lot today, woke up towards the tail-end of the afternoon after a very long time. I think sleep, a little bit of laziness and slothness are my primary vices at the moment. I’m not being too hard on myself since it’s December and the anxiety medication has a role to play in the added sleepiness as well, but sleep schedule has always been a problem for me so I don’t want to let it get too out of hand. Getting a good amount of daylight is very important since it really messes up a lot of routinely things. Social commitments, chores, and of course general mood and feelings. 

I think I’m ready to start moving towards some stability soon. Which means I’ll have to start looking for part-time work even though I don’t know what kind I want. I think I’m now in the state where creative pursuits can be pursued in parallel, and I don’t need to devote all my waking time to them. 

Spoke to a close friend today about some of the stuff I’ve been avoiding and she was super supportive, it was quite nice to receive reassurance and comfort about some of the things I’ve been really fearful of. Resistance towards experimentation, exploration and potential change. But she was of the belief that exploration is worthwhile and can really get you closer to your true, real self and it is generally worth it, even if it’s tough. We’ll see, I guess. 

I don’t think I have a lot to write/vomit about today so I’ll keep this one short. What are my intentions for December? I think health is primary and I’ve probably mentioned this before. I was feeling pretty stuck musically but I’ve been getting melody ideas again so that’s nice. I do need to come back to songs and summon some discipline though so I can complete some of these ideas I have. I don’t know why it becomes so tough in certain weeks. I had a nice couple weeks in November when I was wrapping up a lot of loose threads, I’d love to be able to operate the same way again. I guess I just need to get over myself and do it. But can you really gaslight yourself into doing things? I don’t know. I’ll find out, I’ll make some time post-dinner today. 

Community stuff has been nice, I’ve met some nice people lately and also been spending more pleasant time with parents and old friends who keep visiting. Winters makes everything a little tougher but I guess there aren’t a lot of good solutions for this. Maybe I just invest in better clothing though. 

Alright so what are my priorities for this week and the next? 

  • Wrap up a couple songs (at least first drafts) 
  • Get some health related tasks done 
  • Continue writing word-vomits if not essays 
  • Maybe make some time for dating if I can 

Sounds good enough, I’ll write later! 

078b – rest and recovery

Fun, beauty and truth. Maybe just incorporating enough of these elements in a sustainable way is what I need to be doing for this chapter of my life. It’s been incredibly difficult over the last two weeks and yet, I know that I’ve faced difficult life situations before and why should this be any different? Or even if it is, it doesn’t mean I can’t face it. 

Writing and music are the two things I can still do while nothing else makes sense, so here I am. 

I’ve started anxiety medication again (the last time I tried them was in 2021) and I don’t know why but my body seems to be resisting them a bit. Obviously I’ll discuss this with therapist and psychiatrist but regardless wanted to note down this feeling. 

My biggest worry with medication has always been whether it can hamper my creativity (since overall toned down feelings could potentially reduce my motivation to “express”), but in the past that wasn’t the case. I’m hoping that’s not going to be the case this time as well. 

When I started the “what do I like to do” question journey, something I would constantly tell myself is that it’s okay to not know. I wonder why I’m not able to tell that to myself when it comes to the gender question also? Gender is going to be such a complex thing, how can I possibly know in a month or two? I need to be open and patient with myself as I address this question. 

Of course, I might need a lot of help, from people who aren’t even in my universe yet, so I need to make actionable tasks for how I can possibly find this help, support and resources that I might need. 

If being alive is the ultimate creative act, maybe it’s okay to take my time as I figure out what I want “me” and “my life” to look like. 

But yes, I do feel some apathy towards my form which I’m obviously not very happy about. 

How to approach open questions sustainably, then, becomes an important question. 

When I had a lot of work stress I asked my manager if I could take a week off. Maybe right now I just need a week off from personal stuff. From everything. Maybe I just want a week off from thoughts and feelings. I suppose that’s okay too. Because survival over truth, at the moment. 

Yes, I think it makes sense to want rest, physical and mental. I’m just going to take it easy till Sunday. Do the bare minimum, and not push myself. Maybe focus on food and rejuvenation. 


Alright looks like we have a plan, onward!

072 – easing up

Today was tough. I want to sleep but I also want to write so that it doesn’t feel like a complete waste of a day. Obviously, it’s okay for a day to be wasted also, in the grand scheme of things, if that’s what’s easier in the moment. But I feel like I’ll be happier if I do something, just anything. 

I’d woken up a bit late today— at noon— but had had a perfectly decent start to the day, except it just took a nosedive around 3pm. I got my period and was hit by an anxiety attack out of nowhere. 

It wasn’t zero awareness, I was trying to ride it out using writing, music, grounding techniques etc and waiting for my parents to come back so I could talk to them. But it was still quite tough. And the rest of the evening wasn’t much better either. I think I still feel like I’m in my head a bit. I think it feels really uncomfortable to tune into my body. I don’t know why. Is it possible that I subconsciously opted for mental pain to avoid the physical discomfort? I don’t know. 

Okay, let’s make some space for the anxiety. What am I worried about? 

Definitely experiencing some body dysmorphia. I’m catastrophizing. So what’s the answer to this? Okay, right now— it’s fine, and I’m going to restart medications soon, and note that whatever is meant to happen will happen. If you’re meant to face the worst, you will. Maybe it will mean that the universe has other plans for you. We’ll find out. But we can’t worry about that right now.

I also thought I was experiencing some gender dysphoria. I’m not sure if that’s what it was and I don’t know yet. I took an online quiz and the results say it’s not that likely. However, I do need to make some space for some of the thoughts related to this because they’re obviously not coming out nothingness. 

A job, I think. But okay, I think I can keep this aside until March. 

I’m also a bit worried about my parents. They get really worried about me and they have their own troubles to deal with as well. Ah, I wish this was easier. 

Too many events, people and commitments. I hate Indian weddings. They always stress me out so much, I’m just going to stop going to them from next year onwards. I can’t take it. Okay actually, I just realised that I’ve never officially added them to my fear ladder, maybe I just do that instead. So that I know that when I am attending one, I’m actually doing an exposure and so it’s okay for me to expect anxiety. On the flip side, I’ve been doing some decent amount of exposure therapy anyway so I should be really proud of myself and I don’t need to be doing all kinds of exposures all the time. So I think I can afford to skip the event tomorrow, I really have enough to drive me crazy already. 

And my primary goals really are existing, maintaining sanity, music project (10 original songs), writing project— so why should I make life more difficult for myself by attempting to do a lot of other things?

Yes, I think making life easier is a good strategy for me to follow for the remaining part of this year. Let’s not try to do too much. Let’s prioritise health (mental and physical) over everything else. I think I can (want to) also keep social media intake a bit on the lower end.

Connected detachment.. man that’s really the thing I want to get better at. Obviously I care so much about everything and I think I like that, it’s one of my strengths, but I really want to be okay with things not working out. Like caring about things is fun in and of itself, the outcomes shouldn’t change anything. 

Speaking of, here’s some fun progress updates on the music front: 

  • Half-completed a decent song yesterday, I was writing about silly things but then the song got pretty substantial out of nowhere. It also felt like a proper click, when you find words or sounds that really feel like they’re capturing the essence of what you wanted to say. And I’m really enjoying the process. 
  • Discovered some interesting chords and sounds today while trying to sing about the anxiety stuff earlier in the afternoon. I think it’s cool. I’m done with 5/10 songs and I think I can definitely write 2 more in December. So that’s exciting! 

I really think sometimes I’m just running around in circles. But I know there is some movement, it just comes really slowly sometimes. Let’s just end this on this note. 

What are some silver linings from today? 

  • Did some writing, made some stronger/newer music (I think) because of stronger feelings
     
  • Was able to reach out to therapist, parents, friend before things got too out of hand
     
  • Limited my information intake, didn’t give in to worst fears
     
  • Communicated a bit with my grandmother also, might be a good step in terms of mental health and sanity
     
  • Feel like I’ll be alright by tomorrow and if not worst case by Tuesday. Which is great progress considering something like today would have taken me quite a few days to recover from maybe until a couple years ago. 

  • Body dysmorphia (not going away but I can cope with it), gender dysphoria (will look into this and avoid triggers), people and events (will cut down), job (will push this a bit more).

    Also, big thing – I actually feel quite better now. Feel like I’m back into my body a bit.

Alright, let’s ease up! Stay sane xx 

026a – have you tried turning it off and on again?

How do I explain anxiety to someone who’s never experienced it? How do I explain what it feels like to constantly be on edge, like I persistently have a reverse countdown or the reverse alphabet running in my head in the background? How do I explain why I’m not able to fall asleep even after 36 hours of being awake? And even if I’m able to explain it, does it achieve the purpose? What am I trying to achieve by making other people understand? What am I looking for? Sympathy, empathy, compassion? I get that regularly from most of my friends and family. I get a decent amount of it. Why do I have this need to for my anxiety to be “properly” understood? 

I might need to look for a support group. I’ve had this on my list for ages but this is the first time I’ve written it out as a task to primarily focus on a few weeks down the line.

I was fully occupied this week with house-hunt and messed up sleep, so processing my feelings / writing took a huge hit, and I find myself suffering because of it. Definitely consumed a lot of media and I think that wasn’t great.

Already feeling a little better, thank you, me.

I need to be careful about how I spend my time because the moment my routine and sleep and food suffers, things start getting tough very quickly. I don’t think I’m able to judge my social needs very well. I end up spending time texting with people quite often in the day but I’m not sure if I need to or whether it’s actually doing me any good or just ending up being a zero value time-sink.

The anxiety medication (it’s been 5 weeks since I started it) has been helping a lot but the last two days have been high anxiety days. I missed a couple doses too which got me worried about whether that was the reason for them, but I’m also quite sure that’s not how it works.

Covid’s been weird in terms of bonding with colleagues at work. Being honest and vulnerable about some sensitive things with someone you’ve never met is quite difficult, even if you keep doing it repeatedly. I wanna say it gets easier each time you do it, but honestly, the difference is so minimal it barely feels noticeable.
Of course, grand scheme of things – nothing matters, or it doesn’t matter as much as I think it does, blah blah blah.

I want to be able to fall asleep without having to do this. I know it’s okay to use writing as a tool to feel better, but I feel weird to think I’m almost dependent on it? Or maybe it’s the kind of a need that’s similar to physical exercise and it’s probably okay to have a need like that.. This barely took twenty minutes so I suppose I could find that time a couple times a week. 

021a – bridge the gaps through personal conversations

Something new I’ve been realizing is that I’ve been intellectually starved. When you’re not talking to enough people who care about similar things as you do, you can forget that it’s a major part of satisfaction. I spend a lot of time thinking about things like gender, sexuality and mental health, stories and narratives but many people around me don’t. The sad thing about some of these topics like these is that they often come up only personally or when someone seems to be demanding things or pushing an “agenda”. And that’s maybe the unfortunate fact with anything that has a history of stigma associated with it, or a “minority” topic in general. For example, nobody questions anyone talking too much about travel, or money, or grades, or games or real estate or family. These are perfectly acceptable dinner table conversations. And yet, these other things can often be “too heavy” for most people. 

Talking to a couple friends yesterday about my personal history with anxiety and my sexuality, I realized that I enjoy talking about these things. But I also realized it doesn’t always have to be in the context of me or my history, I would probably enjoy talking about these things even “generally”. But I had to pave the way for these conversations through my own context. It makes me realize how much of “bridging the gap” might have to be done through personal conversations. Social media can be so loud about all of this in this day and age, and yet perhaps people end up paying attention only when they’re more involved, when they’re almost a bit personally (?) involved.

“Finding your people”, then seems to be an important pillar to keep in mind while navigating life. It takes time to realize how much you’re missing until you find the good stuff. Nilan has posed a nice question that caught my eye recently. What do I want my life to prove? Currently, authenticity is something that I really want to swear strongly by. Right now, I really want my life to prove that living authentically (more than we think we can hope to) has no limits. Calling a spade a spade doesn’t make you socially ignorant, there’s reasons why people don’t do it, and those reasons deserve to be questioned.

And while wanting to live authentically should need no justification, it seems like finding our people would also be 10x easier if we did operate extra authentically all the time?

This also seems to me like a nice spin on vulnerability. What is vulnerability if not simply being authentic? Let’s normalize being authentic. It doesn’t need to be an act of courage. It doesn’t need to be a conscious effort. There’s no limits, and the benefits seem worth it. I don’t think it always needs to happen through social media or the internet but I think these mediums make it easier to reach or find the people we wouldn’t have found as easily in our own limited circles.

Also, one thing I’d like to tell you if you’re someone who’s practicing authenticity but feel like it’s not always reciprocated – keep at it. Often the seeds of such efforts bear fruit only a few months later, but know that there’s always someone who’s noticing it, and getting themselves ready to reciprocate. 

005 – are you still heartbroken? + mental health + shame

One of the first questions that people ask you when you talk to them about (romantic) heartbreak is whether you’re still heartbroken. How do you begin to answer that? My guess is if it’s not a clear no, then it’s probably a yes. Everyone goes through this process, you stop talking to the person, you delete their digital memories, you start thinking of yourself again. First – alone, then, with new people. You keep getting triggered every time you talk to or meet people you don’t like as much and so on and so forth. You make time for friends and family, you realize you’re craving a romantic connection with someone again, and you get back on the saddle with a fresh outlook.

Then, on a random Monday you’re dragged back into the mulch again. You wonder why it’s so hard to let a person or their idea go. You attempt to rationalize things again. You tell yourself the person is just a representation of everything you’re capable of feeling for another human being. Sometimes you try to feel these feels through other means – fantasy, movies, books, intoxicating substances (ha ha), only to, once again realize, that it’s only fun when you feel it for a human being. Perhaps some people might have mastered the art of not wanting to feel these feels at all, or maybe some have mastered being satisfied in feeling this only for their own selves, but I’m sure there are enough of us who want to feel it for another human being. And there’s probably nothing wrong with that – though the amount of time and energy we would want to spend on pursuing that want would of course have to be carefully reviewed.

Every feeling creates a bunch of thoughts, every thought creates a bunch of questions. That is all okay but it becomes a problem when we keep going round and round in circles. I did some normal girl shit like distracting myself and taking a small walk around the house to resist getting sucked back into the ground. And I’m glad to announce, it worked. So I’m back here to ask myself some of these questions and attempt to answer them here. This is so I can maybe reduce them from popping up as often as they currently do. 

Am I still heartbroken? I think, no. I’m ready to move on. 

What does that mean for me? Well, I gotta reply to this one seemingly nice girl who asked me out and gave me her number a week ago. I gotta explain why anxiety and depression didn’t give me the time to respond for the whole week, and I gotta be vulnerable enough to ask her if she’s still interested. 
If she says no, I think I’ll be fine – a little disappointed but not too bothered. 

If she says yes, I’ll be glad, but I’ll also have to face some of my fears again. The fact that I don’t feel confident and uplifted enough. The fact that feelings and emotions are hard all the time and I’m afraid and wary of doing things that have the potential to make me feel something (“negative”). The fact that I feel like I might cry if I think about someone else for more than a few minutes. The fact that I never know how much to talk about anxiety and depression because people get a bit weird about it, even though I don’t feel like there’s a need to. The fact that it’s so much harder to bring this up when going on a date with someone, simply because it feels like a bigger deal to reveal that about myself in that equation.

So much shame when it comes to mental health problems, I cannot even. Where does it even come from?

Here’s some of the things that I do or have done which might give someone (or myself) the impression that I’m pretty chill and well-adjusted when it comes to dialog around mental health:

  • Most of my family and close friends know about what I’ve been dealing with.
  • The memes. the jokes. the tweets, the posts. 
  • One of my Hinge profile prompts says that a social cause I care about is mental health awareness and the destigmatization of dialog around it. 
    • This one’s going to be fun to think about, but I’m already realizing that I put this up almost 4-5 months ago but haven’t really taken much action when it comes to it, apart from, of course, being as open as I can be from time to time. 
  • People at my workplace (in my team) know about it, about the fact that I have generalized anxiety, and that I’m in therapy as well.

Then, what is it? Where’s the shame coming from? Or, what do I hope for? These might be two separate questions but the second framing makes it easier to answer at least one of them. One of things I want to be able to do is be okay with saying “I’m feeling really anxious so I think I’m going to go home” instead of “Oh, I just have a lot of work and chores to do so I think I’m going to go home”. I think this is the first time I’ve put this down in words (apart from in therapy once, and I think the solution didn’t stick), so I’m excited to attempt this again if a situation asks for it.

While I’m at it, it might be worth addressing why I don’t already do this. I think there’s two reasons – a fear of the follow-up question, and putting the other person (or people) in a spot.

What is the follow-up question I’m afraid of? Basically someone asking me why I’m feeling anxious. In all honesty, I think it bothers me when it’s not asked, and I haven’t fully resolved what answers (or truth) I’m okay with revealing when someone does ask me that. I suppose that’s probably something I might need to figure out before I attempt experimenting with this.

Ugh, emotional labor does get tiring sometimes. What a damper. The sun’s almost gone down as well, but I’ll try not to relate these two stimuli.