mental health – untitled atm

108b – december blues

Sunbathing on a winter afternoon feels really great. I’m grateful for the fact that I’m up and about while there’s still some sunlight. Chilled for a couple hours but then the sunset came around very soon. Everything felt quite gloomy and then I didn’t feel like doing anything.. decided to take a shower though and now I feel kind of better. Have decided to sit down diligently for a couple hours and try to do a work session. Not sure what I’ll end up doing but let’s see.

Dreading a doctor’s appointment tomorrow because I haven’t done the required work I was asked to do for the thing I’m seeing him for, but he’s a bit teacher-like in his admonishments when I don’t do said thing. I postponed the appointment for a month since I was worried of what I’d have to hear if and when I finally go to him. I suppose I should tell him how his words affect me and if he can find a gentler way to tell me whatever he wants to tell me.

Got a couple weddings coming up and honestly I simply hate shopping for wedding clothes. It’s just so much effort. Though I’m glad my friend said the dress code isn’t strictly enforced, it’s still a lot. I think another couple years and then I’m just going to stop going to weddings lol. It’s just absolutely not my thing.

I doubt I can get any work done this December, I think I should just give up trying to. I have my last production class coming Monday, excited to end this for now. I need a break from production work and I’d love to get back into it once I get some fresh ideas and a proper break from it.

Things are alright otherwise, I suppose. Trying to strengthen foundational piano skills these days, somehow enjoying it too. Also heard some heartening words from some musicians I met yesterday— I was telling them about how I’m struggling with what to focus on, and they told me it’s pretty okay to take the time to explore and how it’s only when you explore everything as much as you want (multiple instruments and vocals in this case), can you be really sure of what you pick. It was just nice to have someone reiterate that opinion, instead of the regular societal “quickly find the thing you need to focus on” thing.

My eyes hurt a lot so I probably need to get better glasses— the ones that block out blue light etc. Anyway, I’m going to work on making some todo lists for December, I think that’s the part that is making me feel quite anxious, ie feeling like I have way too much on my plate.

Happy December, folx!

108a – questions, questions

Had a lowkey depressing week. Finally stepped out and grabbed coffee with a friend and that feels like a game changer. Good friendships are so important, they can remind us that we’re not completely worthless. A good friend feels like a portal to the world— the world that’s sometimes too scary to look at without that portal.

The main reason I’ve been low is because of some hurdles in my creative process. I was diving full on into music production and it was really fun too, until I realised I wasn’t quite happy with what I’d made. And of course, that’s part of the process, but I was hit with all sorts of realisations. Some of them being:

I have, subconsciously, been a bit impatient about wanting results. I put some deadlines on myself— the deadlines are good to get work done— but I need to remember the deadlines are arbitrary. If I’m not happy with something, that’s okay, I can take my time to figure out what I want, instead.

Okay that’s actually just one primary realisation. But secondly, I feel like my inner critic is just quite loud these days. The feeling of not being good enough for the things I want to do.. stops me from doing anything at all. I suppose our inner critic is one of the biggest threats to our creativity.

Anyway, enough of this self-wallowing self-pity type sentiments. I really want to do something fun. I’ll figure out what after I write this word-vomit.

What’s something fun I can do that’s not motivated by results or external factors? I don’t know, actually. I’ve been spending so much time with “music” so that doesn’t feel like it would be fun today. I need a change, I need something different. This word-vomit helps, of course.. but it’s not enough. I’m really enjoying playing an MMO game called Travian these days, but that’s not enough either. I guess it’s safe to say I’m a little lonely too, since Y is away at her place.

I don’t know, I’m also feeling quite restless. Not sure what it is. Maybe I’m hungry. Ugh, the human body is quite a pain to maintain.

I suppose there are things I can do with my time, even though maybe part of me doesn’t feel like doing them. There are people I need to text back, there are todo lists to make, there is digital organisation to be done.. but perhaps those tasks don’t feel tempting enough.

Well, I did some singing and that felt nice, even though my vocal cords have been fried lately.. due to various reasons. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.

Something I’m struggling with “in music” is whether to focus more on improving my singing or my instrumental skills. Not very sure about this, hopefully time will give me the answers, but it hasn’t so far, so.. I don’t really know.

Anyway— questions, questions. Always, so many open questions.

Hope y’all had a lovely November! xx

104b – dreams, neurodivergence and the need for rest

People keep talking about dreams all the time. Or so it seems. People tell me how proud of me they are and how inspiring it is that I’m following my dreams. I don’t even know what my dreams are, though. To live a creative life? Yes. To spend more time with my art, with myself, with people I love? Yes, of course. To not be doing too many things that I don’t want to do? Yes, indeed.

Financial privilege and in general— privilege— aside, I don’t feel like I’m living a very good life. My relationship has been hard work, lately, and career stuff weighs heavily on me too. Do I want to be a writer, or a musician, or nothing at all? Am I really just afraid of hard work or am I not able to tune into my gut and figure out what I want? Or hell, even if I don’t know what I Want, am I able to at least know what I want next?

Having freedom and privilege makes me feel like I’m supposed to do something with it. I don’t know if I want to. In certain moments, yes, I do want to do something that could be useful to someone (even if that someone’s just myself), but in other moments— I really just want to rest.

I know I’m definitely some sort of neurodivergent, and vocalising that more loudly and more frequently has come with its own set of challenges. Now that I’m more in touch with how easily I get overstimulated and tired, there is a need to also accept that it makes sense to need the amount of rest and alone time that I tend to need. But society’s voice is stlll way too loud.

It tells me that I’ve had my “year” of rest and now it’s time to get back into work and productivity. A month ago I tried writing a goodbye letter to this “year of rest” but it wasn’t enough. I don’t think I’m ready to get back to work. Not the trad 9-5 kind anyway. I’m talking to some people for part-time work but none of it comes with pay. Sure, I can afford that for now but at some point I won’t be able to. Well, I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Or like six months before we have to, I guess.

I’ve been considering art school or music school more seriously since, well, all of yesterday. Talking to Y made me realise how suppressed this desire has been, in me. Yes, last year I did consider it seriously, but then I did some research which convinced me thoroughly to not go ahead with any of that at this point of time. Even now, I don’t think I want to go to school right away. I just want more motivation to work on the things that I do want to work on. I do want to reduce TV time and gaming time so I can feel more energised. I do want to eat better, exercise more, but I feel like these wants are still outcome oriented. Is that okay? I don’t know. I don’t know if I can just eat better SO that I feel more energised. That kind of thinking is not motivating enough for me. But I do want to find some way of getting over all this, because otherwise I’m just denying my body what it needs.

Anyway, I think that’s it for now. Going to try out a couple things to summon some energy! Happy October, folks xx

097b – movement and work

Tasks and chores are finally in movement, and I’m quite glad. The last couple days have been much better compared to the weekend, perhaps I’m finally feeling more regulated and functional again post the previous Wednesday.

Something I realised about writing recently is that I generally like writing in singular takes only. I just don’t feel called to a thing once some time has passed away from it. Whether it’s chapters or sections of a chapter, there has to be some amount of “completeness” wrt the thing. Stitching parts together feels strange and unfulfilling.

Parents have been a bit in conflict and it’s weighing quite a bit on me despite my best efforts wrt distance (both physical and emotional).

I feel a little bit dissociated from my body sometimes, or maybe just now, but I think I’ve been avoiding sitting with some of my feelings for sure. The major ones are probably grief, frustration, longing, anxiety, and also perhaps the weird angst that comes procrastination on unpleasant tasks. I do cry on an almost a daily basis, I spend time with writing and music and singing and dancing, and yet.. yet I feel like there’s something I’m running away from. Probably because nicotine is still quite prevalent, especially over the last 2-3 weeks.

Excited to have this 100K words project almost wrapped up though. Pretty sure I can get this done by April. Of course, it wasn’t a deadline based thing ever, but I’d like to celebrate getting here anyway. And while it’s true that I’ll probably continue writing/blogging anyway, it’ll still feel nice to complete a specific milestone. Post that I’ll also be free to do my favorite thing ie writing about writing. I can think about goals and processes and meta stuff again, which I always enjoy of course.

Pretty sleepy at the moment so I’d like to wrap this up in the next ten minutes. I also miss friends here, I feel like I haven’t seen people I used to regularly hang with for quite a while. Of course, I can make some plans etc but something’s been blocking me.

Man, these are the toughest 500 words I’ve written in a while. How is it possible that I don’t have enough to talk/write about? I did do a lot of journaling today morning so maybe that’s a factor. Maybe I need to go out and collect some more data and stimulus to have stuff to write.

Production classes are going well even though I do need to improve my setup so I can spend hours more sincerely than I’ve been doing so far. Honestly the dust here is such a pain. Not sure how to deal with that really. Which reminds me, I do have some house-maintenance chores to get done in the next few days as well. Ah well, that’s that.

I feel like my capacity to “work” effectively has reduced a bit. However it’s also possible that I’m just not tracking things well. So I’m going to track my work/focus time a bit more over the next few days to just get a sense of that again.

Alright folks, hope you’re having a pleasant April xx

091a – content, grateful and ambitious

Back to Delhi. Back to thinking about work and projects. Kind of happy with all of it. Had a terrible flight back but all worth it. I think traveling is such a great way to get new input, data and feelings and gives me a lot of stimulus about things I naturally care about. Feeling pretty good about the frequencies that I know I like with traveling now.

I’d like to sleep by 2-2:30am which means that I’m time boxing this word vomit once again. What are the major things on my mind lately that I’d like to think about? Polyamory, physical intimacy, art, music, production, reading, giving up addictions, grooming, haircut, health related tasks, how much emotional bandwidth can I give to friends and family, how much work can I get done in Feb considering my sister’s visiting and I don’t get enough time with her throughout the year, yeah that’s about it I think.

I’m doing a freelance photography gig (event based thing) for some family this weekend and I’d like to do it well (more so) since I’m getting paid for it, would like to take some tips from people I know who’ve done this before. Editing etc is something I may need to do some research on. Actually kind of excited for this!

Lately I start writing a ton of word vomits but I never get past 200-300 words. I’m not very sure why. Is it really possible that I don’t have enough to process? Or do I have more people around me which allows me to process some things with them instead? I’m not sure, it’s likely the latter though.

Another thing I’ve realised is that I’m definitely more of a space taker than I used to think. Of course, I strive to be considerate and I’m also mindful of how much space I take, but I do take enough of it. Maybe therapy has helped with this too. I like it. I guess writing is also a good way to take a lot of space in the ways you need to. The page is the room you probably actually really need. But it’s a great room. It’s better than most rooms.

Art, safe spaces, mental health, suffering (reducing it if possible for myself and other people), being good— these are the things I really care about.

I’m also glad that I’ve made “niceness” and earnestness almost a pretty big part of my identity (or I’m slowly doing it) and it feels nice that when you stand up for it really strongly, most people don’t try to oppose it. In fact you also learn whether people do actually want to oppose it or not, and if so why etc. When you make claims that most people in theory agree with, but you do it gently, you are making space for questions they may not be brave enough to face themselves actually.

I also used to think I’m not hardworking or ambitious but it’s just that my energies were not being directed into the right things. I feel like lately they have been. So I suppose that’s what makes me happy and content.

087a – updates and planning

Lots going on. Lots of feelings and thoughts. Attended a big-ish poetry open mic which triggered some insecurities, although I did come out with a couple of really nice takeaways. Found some inspiration, found some people to connect with, and was also able to “provide value” (I think) by talking to a few students who were really interested in the processes and the community and how they could get more involved with poetry and slam poetry in general.

I think it’d be nice to be able to attend a workshop on slam poetry sometime soon because shifting from page to slam might require some more intentional work that I’m not able to put in yet.

Something I’m incorporating in dating (ie what I look for in a partner) now is maturity. For the longest time I’ve “known” that this is something I like but I’ve also thought that it’s something that I can get by without (because “I’m plenty mature for the both of us”). But I’m realising lately that that’s not how it works (LOL). But also realising that maturity doesn’t just come from books and movies but also a good amount of life experience. Also maturity on what fronts, really? Not just in terms of life and existing and suffering, but really having interacted with a good amount of people, with a good number and type of people, situations, etc etc. I don’t know yet how I can test for this when dating, but it’s something I’d definitely want.

I wrapped up the 10-songs project for now (reflections here) and something I’m realising is that it’s literally very similar to word-vomiting and journaling. I’m still continuing with music and writing as need based things (ie feeling outlets) and that will likely stay, I think. Production and release will be a separate project, one that I’m not beginning anytime soon. I’m going to be working on the smaller things this January. Small admin tasks, other P1 mini-projects etc. I’ve also got a vocals exam and I’d like to wrap it up soon since it’s stretched on for too long now.

The other thing that’s going on is no-Instagram-January. Today I felt like I want to activate it again because I felt the need for connection. But then if I don’t carry on for at least 2-3 weeks without giving in I wouldn’t really be able to tap into the returns, if any. Because my need for connection actually wasn’t a need for connection, only regulation. And for regulation, I mostly want to rely on myself, or actual, real people, not social media.

Not sure exactly what to focus on this week, work-wise, but I need to decide at least a few things otherwise I might end up doing nothing, really. I think I might need to follow a sprint model for personal tasks as well because that actually works pretty well, in my experience. It’ll allow me to not get “triggered” by my todo list but instead just look at it as opportunities— opportunities that I can explore at the pace that I want to.

Alright that’s it for today! Hope you’re having a good start to the week. Cheers xx