Probably about to reach ten posts soon. It’s been a fun week, I know the pace isn’t sustainable for me but it’s been fun to find that excitement. I’m at that point where I can allow myself to think a little bit about the meta-questions that are coming up. I am not super sure about having too many meta-posts on here, but again.. can’t really care about all of that right now, right? Gotta keep playing the numbers game.
So, who am I writing (expressing) for? Do I want other people to read this? Why do I want them to read this? If I do want them to read this, what value can I give to them? Do I need to start thinking about the topics that I’m writing about? Some of the surface level thoughts and feelings are done, how do I be okay with diving in deeper? I also noticed how the first post isn’t visible on the home page anymore, I don’t really feel like investing time in making sure all posts are easily accessible, but I think I’m probably going to have to.
Now that I’ve asked these questions, might as well attempt answering them. *sigh*
Who am I writing (expressing) for?
Pretty much myself. I have a need (want) to express, to feel heard and to feel seen. And my current “listeners” (friends, family, therapist) are unable to fulfill that need well enough. Writing and sharing it out into the world makes me feel like I’m somehow addressing that need, even if I don’t always get immediate engagement or the pleasure of truly knowing that that’s happening. But it’s a gut thing, a feelings thing – and it’s working, at least so far. Plus, I have my (potentially) meaningless goal of quantity that I also get to chase.
Do I want other people to read this?
Well, now that I’ve brought up the desire to feel seen and heard, I’d say yes. I also find myself sharing a few of these with people whose opinions I value or care about. So, yes, I think I definitely have started wanting people’s eyes on these.
Why do I want them to read this?
This is the tough question, isn’t it? Again, wanting to feel seen and heard. Validation. Engagement? Potential conversations? I did feel really warm when a couple of people messaged me telling me how some of the stuff I shared resonated with them. That was a nice feeling. But I think when it happens organically, it’s better. Not sure whether this is true. Why does the value of their attention reduce if I ask them for it? Does it? Unsure whether I do feel this way or not.
If I do want them to read this, what value can I give to them?
This is probably quite tough. I know a lot of amazing people have thought and written about this, so I’m sure I’m going to have to do some research on this one. Right now, I feel like the only people who’re probably going to want to read anything I’m expressing are mostly the people who I already know or have a relationship with – the people who want to get to know me. This is not true, though. I’ve had some strangers read some of the stuff I’ve written. And they’ve found that they were able to connect or resonate with some of it.
I think.. maybe honesty is the only value I can give to them, right now. I could want to educate people on topics that I care about, as well. I know for sure that there’s a big market for mental health education, LGBT dialog and education, specially in South Asian culture!
Pretty much every-time I’ve come out to someone about both mental health or sexuality, I’ve often received the same comment – something about how brave I am. Sometimes that bothers me (more on that in a separate post, someday), but mostly I think it comes from the fact that there’s 👏 not 👏 enough 👏 representation.
I know I have some the tools one generally needs for this to work (this is based on feedback that I’ve sometimes received, but also things I feel about myself haha). That’s not to say one always needs all of these to exist, but I’m sure they’re good-to-haves.
- Clarity
- Relatability
- Honesty + Vulnerability (albeit intentional)
- Empathy
- Passion, care, a personal interest (I’ve heard that this one generally matters the most)
What I would need, additionally
- Feedback loops
- More experience, more of me being out there doing and feeling things again and again, can’t just keep exhausting what I already have, need to diversify with newness from time to time
Do I need to start thinking about the topics that I’m writing about?
Probably don’t need to worry about this, whatever comes naturally is probably the best thing to talk about. Can’t really afford to, at this point either. I can only see that hampering my pace.
Some of the surface level thoughts and feelings are done, how do I be okay with diving in deeper?
This one’s quite tough as well. I think it’s the same thing again, the deeper I go, the more vulnerable I’ll have to be. But I think like before, the only way out is through.
Anything else that comes up?
One thing I don’t really enjoy is doing research. I often find myself getting lost when I try to look up what already exists about a certain topic. Sometimes I get discouraged because “so much” already exists about everything – who’s going to want to read “more” of it? I know we all have this unnecessary need to be original and unique. We forget that we are being unique, regardless of whether someone else has already talked about it. This is why I’ve mostly only written about personal thoughts and feelings so far, research gets daunting, it reduces the excitement. I might have to address this, I’ll probably have to think about what the motivators and benefits of (good?) research could be. Then I also think about how sometimes I’ve come across really amazing things (art, writings, concepts, projects) on the Internet which have often inspired me to do things. I guess always checking in with self could work. It’s going to have to be like any other process, anything can get daunting and tiring from time to time. Maybe I have a general clouded “negative” idea of research. Maybe if I did it with a fresh outlook, for things that I care about, and things I know that I care about, maybe it’ll be different? It’s possible.
untitled atm 