Tag: milestone

060b – 60k words! + calling (pt1)

So you might think you’ve found your calling, what next? 

This is the main question I’m asking myself this week. 

Firstly, because my younger self left me with some decent advice, I’m going to outline some of the reasons and motivations around why I think art or creative work might be calling me. At least, right now. Some fears and worries and hesitations might show up too and I’m going to list those out as well, because they’ve been holding me back from embracing this over the last few months (and maybe even the last few years). 

So, why do I gravitate towards creating things if I’m left in a vacuum? 

  • Emotion management / release. This is primary. I think I have too many feelings almost always at the surface and if I’m not engaging with some form of expression regularly (ie daily, at least), then I’m dissatisfied, unhappy, and often overwhelmed. (OR otherwise I end up engaging unhealthier forms of “numbing” ie alcohol, nicotine, social media, etc). So, this is the healthiest and the most accessible form of emotion management that I have for myself. 

  • Presence + Joy. These activities (writing, music, doodling, photography, dancing, etc etc) are the most “satisfactory” and “joyful” methods of being present, for me. Aside from maybe talking to people I really enjoy talking to, where our energies can resonate.

  • Collaboration. These are also the things I find joy in collaborating with people over. Especially music (I haven’t done a lot of collaboration wrt other forms yet)

  • Connection and impact. It’s incredibly fulfilling when people tell you they connect with whatever you put out there. It’s a different way of feeling seen AND making someone feel seen at the same time. People have sometimes told me that some of the art I’ve shared has been healing for them as well, and I care a lot about that kind of impact. 

Yep, I think that pretty much captures it. 

Now, I feel some of the hesitations and fears cropping up, so let me jot those down: 

  • I’ve romanticised artists, and I just think I want to “be” an artist, and I might not be truly motivated by the doing in and of itself. 
  • I know had the creative streak in me as a kid, but it started getting fleshed out more only post 12/13. If I truly liked art then why wasn’t I doing enough of it during peak childhood? (ie from ages 7/8-13)? Isn’t this the time most people (given peaceful childhoods) are experiencing what they truly like to engage with? I used to engage a lot more with science, so why’s it the case that I don’t like the sciences anymore? 

I don’t think I can address these fears, really. All I can tell myself is that maybe people change, or maybe people have multiple sides in them. Maybe it’s futile to think your “true calling” is a single thing. Maybe right now this is what I’m curious about, and that’s fine. Maybe science (ie engineering) just got a little too tough for me, and maybe my creative side was just feeling starved. Maybe if I feed it enough I’ll have both these parts of me balanced and secure, and then I can see what’s louder. Or maybe I don’t have to pick. When it’s time to find jobs (ie a few months from now, for sustenance), maybe I can think about this then. 

And I am moving through life now with more awareness than I did as a kid (I think). (Side question: What is the difference between presence and awareness?) 

Feeling a little dissatisfied with this post though, I suppose maybe because I didn’t really address the “What Next” question. But I’ll continue this tomorrow or later this week. Feeling a little tired at the moment. 

But, 60K words! Kind of cool 🙂

050 – two months of moving to India + 50,000 words

Lately I’ve had nights where I wake up with the same thoughts that were buzzing in my head when I was going to sleep. It’s kinda weird, because sleep is almost always a good way to get a “reset”. Without this reset, the day that’s coming up can feel really bleak (if the night had been feeling that way). I woke up kind of depressed today. I’ve been feeling low since the last two days. Which, of course, I’m generally used to, ie periods of feeling low, but things were still a bit tough this weekend. 

This lowness was making me doubt my moving-to-India decision quite strongly. I’m okay now, did a bit of physical exercise, had my afternoon coffee, played a game of online Catan, and consumed a bit of nicotine too. In the meanwhile, my mind was able to come up with some counters for this doubt. 

  • I did this to minimise regrets, and that’s still very important. If I plan to adjust to India even for a full year, I will have to go through the doubt days. The days when it feels like a bad decision. That’s just a part of any big move. I’ve had similar days in grad school in Atlanta, in SF and even in Amsterdam. Regardless of the place or the thing, I’m like a 100% sure that “doubt” is just a part of the package. 
  • I literally don’t have the option to not be working anywhere else. So I just need to remind myself to be grateful for the career freedom I have right now. I don’t get that anywhere else. When I see people living in all these beautiful countries and “having fun”, I don’t see the 40 hours work-weeks they’re living for that fun. (Yes, that may still be enjoying that, but I personally wouldn’t at this time, so it’s just not an option for me.) I don’t get to compare the “fun” if I don’t keep in mind the work thing. 
  • The other day I was talking to my sister, who was having similar feelings about her decision to be in the US. And we concluded that no place has everything, so even if we want to divide our time in multiple places in the long-term, in the short-term we still need to focus on making the most of where we are. That advice is obviously valuable for me as well. While I’m here, I need to focus on all the things I have here. ie the people, the art I want to make and all the additional time I have that I get to use on whatever I want. 

That brings me to the next thing. How do I want to spend all this extra time I have? I think I’ve already addressed that here. Maybe it might be worth putting down some long-term goals to make all of those buckets a little less vague. 

Currently, I think I’m also feeling blocked because house-search is taking a good amount of bandwidth, and I feel like I’m not able to fully feel the freedom that I want (need) until that isn’t done. And that’s fair. Since that is something I’m sure I need to get started on “life”, it’s okay for me to feel blocked by it. Of course, in ideal conditions, we won’t be waiting for X and Y to be sorted before we could work on Z, ie if Z was important enough, but I don’t think I’m there yet. And it’s not like I’m not doing Z at all. I’m just not fully able to enjoy it. 

Since this is going to be my 50th post here, I figured it might be worth making it a 1000-word post. I was planning to reflect a bit on writing anyway, so maybe I can just do that here. 

  • I’ve increasingly been feeling that setting up this blog was one of the best things I could have done for my writing goals. And my creative goals in general too. The freedom of just being able to write whatever you want and hit “Publish” without thinking much about it is amazing. The pipeline is easy, there isn’t much overhead, and I get to feel satisfied about sharing most of what I’m writing. 

  • I have 70 subscribers here! Yay! While the number may not feel like a lot in today’s age of multiple thousands followers and subscribers that most people have, it’s still worth celebrating, since this is purely word-vomits, and by some miracle I have 70 people who receive updates whenever I share something. (They may or may not read it, it doesn’t matter, really, but I’m super duper grateful anyway)

  • Because dedicating a place for just writing was so helpful to me (and similarly the music account I have on Insta was as well), I do think it might be worth separating out my photography and art accounts too. I’m super conflicted about this one, and I follow a couple people who’ve experienced the same conflict too, but data tells me I should do it, if I really just want to do “more” of either (or both) things.

  • The other day someone asked me what is the one thing (activity) I feel like is “mine”, the one which I feel really called towards, or really am able to feel “attached” to in a way… and I said “writing”. I think that itself for someone like me speaks volumes. And I think I have this blog to thank for it.

  • I posted a lot in May and June! So having the spare time to do this did make me do more of this, and that makes me incredibly happy.

  • Getting back into reading has been good too. I’ve had 2-3 years of very minimal reading, and now that I’m getting back into it, it feels really good. While reading is not necessarily a requirement for writing, it does help to get some inspiration from time to time. I finally left the book I was stuck on even though I thought I didn’t want to leave it midway, and started reading a new one, which was a great decision because a. It’s been a really enjoyable read and b. It makes me want to write more. 

Alright, that’s a wrap on 50,000 words on here. Happy July! 

030b – creative queues and time management

I finally had a gin and tonic the other day. They charged us a fortune for it. We found a table outside and talked for an hour. There were heaters above us so the air didn’t feel as chilly as it generally does. The time was perfect, most of the evening crowd had gone home, but it wasn’t dead either. The city’s quite beautiful at night. The moon was out, it was a little foggy (as it often is), there’s enough voices to keep you grounded but not so many that you get overwhelmed.  

I got back home and realized I can’t do something like that every night. I mean, I wouldn’t want to. Part of the magic just lies in the novelty of it. I need to be okay with the routine and the day-to-day as well. I want to be able to enjoy that. I can’t always keep looking for something exciting, new, wild (??) to do. 

I got a haircut the next day so that was fun. I’d let my hair grow out for more than eight months now so that’s been crazy. Today wasn’t great though. I ended up sleeping in the whole day, missed all the sunlight – and the week’s kicking off tomorrow so I’m a little worried about how it’s going to go. 

I’ve been worried about all the things that have been brewing in my head and taking up space. So much so I’ve ended up procrastinating on this post as well. Now that I’m finally in it though, it seems fine – it’s not as much material as I thought it’d be. (As usual, I guess?) 

I don’t think I’m excited about being in tech. Even though it’s one of the biggest “things” in the world and I’m sure I’ll have a ton of fomo whenever I “switch” fields (if I end up doing it, that is), yet I think I want to accept that it doesn’t excite me enough. I just genuinely really want to be successful at a creative job.

But there’s the hard part, right? I can’t guarantee the success. 

I’ve been debating about what the next “phase” of my life is going to be. Where do I want to be next, where do I want to go next? Summer’s about to be over soon and I’m going to have to start taking some decisions, eventually. The uncertainty’s eventually going to get to me. 

Time management’s been a little hard. I think I’ve been all over the place. Between my social goals, creative goals, travel goals, relationship (??) goals and my job and chores – I feel like I can’t get everything done. I’m also aware that this is a common problem and that it’s okay, but I wonder if there’s a way to prioritize or set some boundaries or constraints at the start of a week to have some guidelines to follow as you execute? That sounds like a decent idea. I’m going to give that a shot this week.  

Welp, I hit 500 words exactly. So I think that’s a wrap. Time to celebrate – I’m finally done with the 30k milestone! Hope you all have a good week ahead. 

020b – 20,000 words + keep connecting the dots

Well, after this post I’ll have written 20k words in the last month, and I’m kind of proud of having reached this milestone! I know the pace for the rest 80k is almost certainly not going to be the same, not even sure if I’ll reach that point, but it’s good to have come so far. I think I can afford to reward myself with another meta-post.

Words flow easier now, thoughts get stylized easier too. Maybe some of it is placebo, maybe some of it’s real. Regardless, I love it. It’s definitely easier to write a 500 word post as opposed to a 1000 word post, but it’s a compromise I’m okay making from time to time. Happy that it allows me to keep moving.

I have more drafts sitting in my word editors now, I have more half-formed stories waiting to be completed. It’s a good feeling. I have enjoyed this process with photography and music before, but it’s nice to be able to enjoy it with writing too. Part of me worries that at some point I’ll get sick of writing meta-posts and sick of writing about my own thoughts and feelings, but another part of me knows that when (or if) I weed through all of it some fun stuff might come up too.

Since I’m sitting here reflecting again, I want to think about the few things that might keep me going forward: 

  • Creating feedback loops for writing more 
  • Thinking about what people might want to read 
  • Organizing and structuring more / Writing about a single topic as opposed to only free-writing 
  • Not being afraid of writing about scarier (for the lack of a better word) topics like loneliness, heartbreak, sadness, depression, anxiety, therapy (I do a decent amount of it but it’s still not enough.) 

I’m watching my mother go crazy with knitting (a hobby she picked back up recently, after many years) and I feel aligned with this stint of hers in some ways. She makes a clothing item a day, I write a post once every few days. It’s all about connecting the dots, isn’t it? Dots that don’t necessarily connect for anyone else, except perhaps our own selves.

Sometimes I think everything can connect, if you want it to. Every little action can be a metaphor, every word a story. Every story a goldmine, every person a landscape. Every landscape art, every piece of art magic.

Don’t really have much to write about anymore so I’m distracting myself with food and coffee. Not the best idea, perhaps. But it’s not that easy to write a 100 words more when you’re kind of out of thoughts.
I’ve been going on a lot of walks lately, it’s a nice habit that I want to keep up. Getting that time and space to think, think about difficult things without necessarily having to feel the related physical feelings. It’s peaceful in a way very few activities can be.