nature – untitled atm

110b – back home

Welp. Back from an exhausting trip to Goa. Being away from home for 10 days can be a lot for me and it’s been a while since I’ve done that, though this time I didn’t feel that intense longing for home I generally do on the 7th or 8th day. So I suppose that’s pretty cool. I practiced riding a 2-wheeler— something I’ve been wanting to do since AGES. It was also fun to see how comfortable I’m sharing space with Y for a significantly long period of time (10 days is a lot for the both of us!), and I think it was quite decent!

I did get sick in the middle for around two days (had to get a rabies shot since a young doggo (accidentally) bit me and the shot causes fever as a side-effect), and since we were living in a bit of a “foresty” area, we even spotted a langur on one of the afternoons. “Spotted” is an understatement actually, it came into our balcony while we were in the living room— luckily, we saw it in time and managed to close the balcony door before it could come inside. So, in terms of “wildlife” the trip was lowkey adventurous lol. But apart from that things were mostly good!

This trip was also supposed to be a test trip because we’ve been considering moving to Goa in a couple months. Wrt that, I do have certain concerns: the weather (it was VERY humid and I imagine the monsoons won’t be easy either), safety (we definitely didn’t feel very safe walking out at night post 10pm), healthcare and other emergencies (there were no hospitals within a 3km radius of where we were staying, and even if there was one— you’re completely reliant on your own vehicle to get to a place).. yeah I suppose that’s it.

Overall though, we did enjoy our time quite a lot and 10 days went by pretty easily. I do love the relaxed atmosphere and culture of the place, people are mostly quite nice and friendly, and the living expenses would be lesser than that of a city like, say, Delhi or Bangalore. So, yeah, I suppose we’ll see.

I’m glad to be back, in some ways, but both Y and I are feeling very exhausted since our flight yesterday was delayed by 4 hours and we only got home around 4am. If 10 days away from home weren’t enough, that’ll do it.

Overall, not feeling too inclined to “do” too much, I think I’m back to my “let’s just make time for people and experiences” phase for a bit, I’m not sure if I have the energy and motivation to do things (creative or otherwise).

So yeah I suppose I’ll just rest and recover over the weekend and then see how to structure the coming week. Don’t really have a ton of time to settle into anything here though, since I’m traveling again from 13-23rd. So we’ll see we’ll see. Anyway, that’s it from me really I think.

Happy March, folks! xx

080a – better to speak, she said

“Is it better to speak or to die?” I’m starting to think it’s always better to speak.

I’m realising I’m perhaps not meant for the mainstream world. I know mainstream is a pretty evolving concept and it’s already been evolving from the previous decade or even the previous five years but what it is right now (especially in my environment) is definitely not where I belong. I really need to change my circles and/or my environment and find my people, my tribe. I definitely don’t belong in the heteronormative world.

Or is that just the anxiety talking? I don’t know. Sometimes we solve for x when we really need to be solving for y, I don’t know.

It’s the middle of the night and I have a long day ahead but I’m unable to sleep. Someone told me sleep problems are caused by a lot of suppressed thoughts and feelings in the subconscious, which would.. make sense, except that it’s hard to access suppressed things, they’re obviously suppressed for a reason.

Thinking about rationality and the heart and the gut a lot today. It can be really nice when they’re all in sync but often they’re not.

I’ve allowed my heart to run my life a lot lately but I might need to listen to rationality a little bit too.

What is rationality, really? Not ignoring evidence, I suppose. I suppose the heart can be a bit of a kid sometimes— stubborn, blind, spoilt, pampered, etc. And rationality, then, would be a bit of parent, or an elder sibling, really showing the heart that you don’t always get what you want and that’s okay. Most people in life don’t get what they want. There is no end to want, anyway.

How do we then make peace with what is? I suppose just facing realities can be a good first step. Acknowledging that what is is what is, even when it’s unpleasant, could be enough.

I always go back to poetry and music when things are tough but I haven’t been able to do that too much this week, not sure why.

How will I ever solve sleep? I don’t know. I need to make more action plans. I can’t just keep sitting with my problems, I need to be working towards movement.

Looking forward to this week though, have a couple of exciting music things lined up, and a couple nice social plans too. Maybe I’ll incorporate some workout too.

Alright alright, we got this. Gratitude, kindness, authenticity, learning, joy, nature— I can keep coming back to all this when things are tough.

079b – orange skies

There’s a bit of orange and a bit of pink in the sky again and I realise I’m safe and happy. The last couple of weeks have been tough but coming back to my parents’ home has started feeling really nice lately. Earlier my dad used to ask me to visit every weekend and I used to feel like I don’t have the time, even though time is something I do have but lately it’s been effortless to make these trips every weekend. Maybe I’ve been needing my parents’ affection a little more and it feels nice to lay next to dad or mom and not think about the troubles of the world.

I told my therapist that I sometimes feel like a kid and it feels like it’s the real me and I feel really alive. She mentioned this could be my inner child talking. Apparently the inner child needs a lot of safety but in this safety you can access parts of yourself that you may really want to integrate in your present self. Will read more on this at some point.

The other day a few of us were talking about problems and I noticed myself being inconsistent. I said that I feel like I have a lot of problems— more than my friends do, but then I was also talking about theories of happiness and when someone challenged one of those theories I felt like I had to state that I am happy. The judgemental part of me thinks I’m being inconsistent but the other part of me knows I’m not. Happiness is fleeting, and just because I have a lot of problems— maybe even big ones— maybe ones that I don’t think most people do— doesn’t mean I can’t feel happy on most days. Or at least, today, I’m happy. Or right now, I’m happy. I mean on most days, isn’t peace and happiness just the ability to feel a variety of emotions and not be resisting them? Time and again we come back to this. And yet when the negative emotions get a lot, we forget this. Or at least, I do. Or at least, I did over the last couple weeks.

I mean this could just be antidepressants talking, but even if that’s the case, why not?

I must admit, lately I’ve been appreciating that financials help a lot with security, etc. I’m glad I made some “wise” choices in terms of financials and education (albeit due to my parents’ influence). This is important to note because then I can continue to make long-term “wise” choices even as I continue to take other risks in the coming medium-term.

I’ve made some progress on my 10-songs project and I’m feeling pretty good about it. I’ve always thought of myself as “sad girl” but lately I’ve been making a lot of silly fun songs too and that feels pretty great.

I keep getting up to go to the balcony to click pictures of the sky and I feel hopeful and calm and optimistic. On that note, I’ll end this.

Hope you have a good week!

067a – jacob collier + taking up space + living

This is a bit of a morning pages kind of word-vomit and I don’t know yet whether I’ll post it. Let’s see.

Yesterday was.. quite something. Saw Jacob Collier live and I imagine I’ll be talking about this for years to come. I already feel like I might have been a bit annoying about it with friends, family and social media. I don’t know.

There is definitely a voice in my head that thinks taking up too much space isn’t okay. I think a bit of it it comes from my parents— my dad takes up too much space in rooms, my mother’s been taught not to. Although, she does take up a decent amount of space in certain rooms, I know she makes herself smaller in some.

Although I’ve gotten MUCH better at taking up space, and I think it’s a very good thing, I do wonder where and when I might have internalised this though.

Jacob Collier actually talks about this a lot, and although I mostly agree with him, I do wonder if there’s one point he’s not addressing though, which is skill. The people who get good at “creatively” taking space will obviously find it easier to do that. And there is also the second aspect of subjectivity. The other day at reading circle it was easier to take space because the people around were similar to me in many ways. So there was a natural connect, resonance. But if I go talk about the same things in front of people who’ve never had any of those experiences AND are not open / curious enough to listen to what I’m saying, then taking up space will end up making me feel bad, probably.

Then maybe the thing to get better at is how to not take the lack of connect, resonance or general engagement personally. If I’m taking up space and someone has a non-positive reaction or feeling about it, that’s not something I can really help. Or maybe there is a way to take space while bringing the other into it along with you.

Anyway, that was a nice little side-trip.

I saw Jacob Collier live and I imagine I’ll be talking about it for years to come with anyone who will listen. There’s obviously a lot of thoughts and feelings and I’d love to really “evaluate” them all but I’m not going to do that right now. Maybe another time.

Because I’ve had a lot of (ie sufficient) time for emotions and art lately, I sometimes get the feeling that I’m not “living” enough. I don’t know if that’s true though. I imagine that the time I spend engaging with all of these art forms (and learning) should count as living, even if I’m doing it by myself? Or maybe this feeling comes from feeling quite happy and content over the last couple weeks and I’m not too sure how it’s possible that I’m so happy and content. There it is— these last couple weeks have been the happiest I’ve been in at least the last 5-6 months. Are there important things missing from my life, still? Of course. Is there a lot of emotional work I need to do still? Of course. Are there certain situations I still avoid in order to maintain this sense of peace and calm? Of course.

But am I also regularly moving towards the things I want, the emotional healing I crave, the avoidance I want to cut out? Also yes. Is it slow movement? Yes. But it’s what’s tolerable. I cannot make it faster, that’s just not in my capacity.

Do I still sometimes worry about things suddenly going wrong, or events I may not be able to tolerate? Of course. But I’m trying to let those worries be passing, and not engage with them all the time.

People, nature and art will be the light to follow while of course being cognisant of my (somewhat limited) capacity to take in the new.