people – Page 4 – untitled atm

047a – the value of thought-dumps

People can be quite afraid of thought-dumps. Or self-deprecating about them. Like that isn’t “good writing”. But I (along with a lot of other people) think they can be super valuable. Like if I wasn’t afraid of thought-dumps I’d tell you how happy I feel when I have a nice time with a person I’m getting to know and learn about and how great I feel when I’m able to express that to them. If I wasn’t afraid of thought-dumps I’d tell you how excited I am for my morning blended iced-coffee and how I can’t wait for it to arrive. (The light is out so I can’t make it at home or I would’ve.) I’d tell you how grateful I’ve been feeling for some of my friends who’ve taught me how to communicate more, and better. Who make the logistics part of things easier. Who taught me that you can exchange goodbye hugs before you wear your bags so that the quality isn’t compromised. How bad I feel that I’ve been procrastinating on calling some people just because I’ve been unable to find blocks of time but I really do want to talk to them and get caught up with their lives. Thought-dumps show you what you care about the most, at the moment. Clearly, for me it’s people things. I didn’t fully love Bangalore as a city. This has been surprising for me since I’ve visited a few times and I’ve never noticed anything non-positive towards it. I like that I have so many people here, of course, but objectively, I don’t know if this is a city I’d want to move to, even to “just try” it. Maybe definitely not to “just try” it. If I had another reason to (like work), maybe then.

The other day a sufficiently close friend of mine told me I can be quite intimidating. The reason, he said, was that I have a really strong sense of boundaries and I’m also strict about making sure to set them, and not allow people to cross them. I think, his reasoning is fair. And of course, it’s not pleasant to hear that you can be (are) intimidating, especially if that’s coming from people you consider close, but then, I also think maybe that cost is unavoidable. I’m generally pretty socially satisfied and I don’t think that’s possible without strict boundaries. I have been letting loose quite a bit overall in this trip though. I’ve hung out with people throughout the two weeks, and let myself be in their physical presence for really long periods of time, even though I didn’t always feel safe or comfortable. I was realising yesterday that emotionally, my capacity to be vulnerable is quite high, much higher than most people I know, but what’s hard for me is vulnerability in physical space. (This includes just hanging out as well.)

So anyway, thought-dumps can be quite valuable. I hope people can see it too.

046a – time distribution

The part of me that worries about the future is also the part that has a really good imagination. I imagine being 60 and realising that I’ll have a lot of time to create all the art that I want. Provided my health stays somewhat okay, I can still do creative stuff at 60. Which also means it’s worth investing in the skills I want to pick up. Which means even if I’m not making great paintings right now, it’s still worth just doing the thing since I have around 20-30 years at least to get to the point my current self might probably be super proud of, then.

I don’t have to rush over anything. As long as I’m not irrational or completely stupid about the way I spend my money, I think I can afford to take my time with things.

In other news, I miss Amsterdam a little bit. I imagine everything must be really beautiful now that the summer must have arrived fully. I miss the afternoons, the evenings, I miss biking for errands. I miss storytelling nights at Mezrab and poetry nights at Labyrinth. I miss the coffee and the bread, and a random “Bedankt” here and there.

Reconnecting with my friends here in India has been great though. There’s a level of familiarity and familiality (this should be a word) that is almost unbeatable.

May has passed decently and June is going to be occupied with some travel. Once I’m back (ie July) I’ll start looking for apartments and move out of my parents’ place as soon as I find one. Looking forward to that, quite a bit. I’ve kicked off dating again and that’s been good, at least in the sense that I can afford to feel optimistic a bit, and don’t have to beat myself up about not putting in the effort on this front. I’m going to be 28 soon! Despite theoretically being in what I call “my yolo era”, of course the weight of societal expectations will trigger me about all of this from time to time. And the best defence to that (for my sake, I mean, not as an answer to society) of course, is — action.

I’ve been struggling a bit with how much time and bandwidth I want to reserve for the part of me that feels duty bound towards certain people (like family and friends). I think this is how I’d want to divide it*:

Dating (20%) (14 hours)
Creative Goals and Pursuits (30%) (21 hours)
Well-Being & Health (20%) (14 hours) [Includes recreation]
Social (15%) (10 hours)
Responsibilities (15%) (10 hours)
Misc [Future Planning? Lol idk? Other things]

Okay I think this helps. This tells me how much I can afford to spend on these buckets and if I did actually spend my time this way I probably wouldn’t be unhappy. Currently I’m not living in ideal conditions so my time is not distributed this way, which is fine. I’m hopeful that once the distribution moves closer to what I’ve listed above, things should be better. I’ve left a bucket open for other things that may come up and demand some of this usable time of mine.

Anyway, good sesh. Let me know how y’all spend your time and if I’ve missed important buckets!

*Rough weekly estimates. Calculated on the basis of having 10*7 hours of usable time every week after accounting for sleep, food etc, commute.

044b – three weeks of living at my parents’ house

Man, it’s been tough. In the last year or so, I’ve spent a lot of time at my parents’ house. And though it always does come with its share of hardships (I call them “red dots”), it’s been a little harder this time. Primarily because everyone thinks that because I’m more “free” (ie because I don’t have a job), they are entitled to more of my time. Or well, maybe not everyone, but my grandmother definitely seems to think so.

My sister was around for the last couple weeks so that was relatively nicer, since I absolutely love having her around (and so does everyone else). But now that she’s left, my grandmother thinks that she doesn’t “have anyone”.

Okay maybe this is going to be a grandmother rant more than anything else. She’s 83, and doesn’t really have a good relationship with anyone. She hasn’t treated her kids (one of them is my dad) very well throughout her life and is now (I think) suffering the consequences of her actions. Old age is of course difficult for most people (I guess), but I don’t know, it feels really difficult to take care of her.

Overall, I’ve been questioning some things as well. ie how much suffering can I see in front of me? How much of myself can I actually sacrifice just to attempt to ease her suffering a bit, though any of this sacrifice or charity (of my time, for example) doesn’t actually make her feel better on a deep level, which then makes me wonder whether there’s any point to my sacrifice at all.

I think I just need to set some boundaries. ie know my boundaries. I will always get frustrated when she wakes me up in the morning or noon or asks me to have meals with her, so that’s something I can allow myself to feel. But what I can do is spend some time (around 20-30 minutes) once in a couple days talking to her, and then even if that isn’t enough for that is eventually not my problem.

Had some small arguments with my mother as well, but I think they’re small in the grand scheme of things. My parents have overall been quite understanding of me, my preferences, etc. So that’s really nice of them and I appreciate it. (I probably need to tell them that, since I know one of their complaints is that I don’t appreciate them enough)

However I know that living here isn’t very sustainable, so I definitely need to move by July, latest.

Some things are nice though. It’s nice to have regular food, and two nice balconies, and most things smoothly running. It’ll obviously take some time to get that all once I move, wherever I move. And obviously it’s nice to save a bit of money as well.

I’m slowly trying to find time and solitude to engage in mini creative activities which has been really fulfilling. Also finished reading “Steal Like An Artist” (really short book, highly recommend for anyone) and started working on some the recommended things mentioned in that and that feels really good too.

So anyway, that’s what’s been up. Write soon!

041b – pretty much a journal entry

Lots of feelings. Lots and lots. Unable to communicate well with people lately.

One common pattern I’m seeing with “close-ish” friends (but not the ones closest) is that I’m unable to tell them when I’m “bored” of listening to some of their stories, some that I never asked them about in the first place. And these people are obviously unable to guess (or read) that I’m done listening as well. Maybe there is an opportunity to be more clear here. I’m afraid of hurting their feelings though. Okay, I wrote down a phrasing that conveys both parts of the feeling and isn’t as hurtful.

Of course, the stress of the moving etc might have a role to play here as well. I know it does.

Okay but, lots of things to look forward to over the remaining month here in Amsterdam. The days are getting sunnier so I hope I can be a little more active.

Have a therapy session tomorrow so hopefully that’ll be a bit helpful. Another thing I’m kind of annoyed about is how nobody else thinks of therapy as something they could be considering as well. I feel like I put in so much work and it does help many of my relationships, but people around me could be putting in some work as well. And granted, most of the work that I put in is mostly for myself, but considering it helps the relationships too, it’d be so much better if other people were working on themselves (and expressing themselves) as well. Often I feel there’s so much friction because the people I’m talking to aren’t very much in touch with their feelings (or willing to accept them, or willing to accept that there’s something a little more there). And that then requires a little more effort to most conversations.

Anyway, I’ll continue this tomorrow — I just realised I want to unwind a bit and then try going to sleep early-ish.

—

My therapy sesh got canceled which is not the best. Since I still have a lot of stuff on my mind. Woke up pretty late today and not too happy about that, since I need to wake up on time tomorrow, ugh. Couldn’t get much work done though I got some moving-related chores done, so that’s good.

The social responsibilities wrt moving are weighing on me a little bit. ie the whole process of reaching out to the few people I want to meet once before leaving. Although I know it doesn’t make a huge difference if I don’t do this, I still want to. 😦 I feel like half of my conflict on a day-to-day basis is just about how much effort-muscle I have in me vs the kind of goals/wants I have.

There’s a lot of physical energy required by most of my chores/tasks and I’m realising I don’t have enough. So that’s that. I mean of course mental energy too, but that I’m still a little more used to summoning when really needed. Or just knowing how to pace myself so I don’t end up super-exhausted. Ah well.

Anyway, that’s all from me today. Hope to have some interesting stuff to talk about soon!

041a – big changes

So I finally handed in my resignation letter at work today. I’ve been thinking about this for almost two years now, the first time when work became immensely stressful and I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m glad that I didn’t quit then, and yet, over the last few months, even though work was absolutely fine, I still couldn’t stop thinking about “what if I could do something else”.

So.. here I am. Anyway, I don’t have a plan. I don’t know whether there’s an answer to that question. But I’m going to take some time. At least, start with a break. Then give myself a few months (more if needed) to see whether there’s an answer to the question.

To be clear, I don’t think our work needs to be a huge part of our identity, I do firmly believe that the primary purpose of work is a pay-check. And I think I’ll continue to live by that philosophy. But yes, maybe it’s possible to be a little happier at work? Just maybe? I don’t know, but I hope so. Maybe if my overall work satisfaction (this is including the money and the flexibility and all the other factors) is at 6 right now, maybe it can at least be a 7? I know that sounds like a small shift but that’s like a 16% increase, which I think is significant. So, let’s see. Big question marks here.

I’m also moving cities (nay, countries) again. Because taking a break means it’ll be nice to have other forms of support (ie familial, etc), I’m moving back home. I think this is a step in the right direction as well. More and more people are also recognising the value of living in tight-knit communities, and I think I have those structures available back home. I’m optimistic.

I should note that I do recognise that there are 4 big rocks which have the potential to take down my overall life satisfaction — ie individual safety, infrastructure, noise+pollution, conservatism. However, I think I just hope that the improvement in social+cultural satisfaction will be worth that potential cost.

I sincerely think the scary part of this gigantic step is over. Of course I may end up being severely wrong. But for now, I’m happy. And optimistic. And that’s more than enough.

I’ll really miss Amsterdam. It’s a cute, interesting, logistically easy city. Except for the 4 months of winters (which is quite a lot for my tropical self), there’s so much to love and learn from. I’m glad a spent this year here. But life calls, and I must leave for now.

039b – the passing nature of feelings + writing is a weapon

But eventually, most feelings pass. Even the most intense ones. It’s hard to believe that one day you could be grieving the one that got away, fully believing that no, you’re really never going to love again, and two days later the only thing you want with all your heart is to be present at your friend’s wedding which the whole world seems to have somehow made it for. And then that makes you ask a question to yourself… Is the FOMO (here, I’m referring to the feeling of missing out, not the “fear” of it) real? Ie would the feeling have been diluted a bit if fewer “other” people had made it to the big thing? Ie yes, you’re really sad to not be around for your friend’s big day, but is it a lil tougher simply because so many other people are? Ie feeling alone in your fomo can definitely make it worse.

Now that we’ve isolated and untangled our feelings a bit after writing about them in 2nd person because hey, let’s face it that’s much easier.. I think I’m okay. I think I’m okay with the reality of having made some bad decisions. I’m okay with telling myself I’ll do better next time.

Man, writing is so miraculous. When I write, new questions open up magically. Questions I wasn’t able to see when the thoughts were just thoughts in my head. What is it about putting thoughts out on a paper (or screen yeah yeah) that makes them feel so structurally accessible? I was going over some of my notes from 2020 and I’m feeling quite impressed by 2020-self in the way I write about my feelings and just open them up for analysis.

For example: This is a note I have around one of the feelings that comes up post break-ups. (ie not being able to express your lingering love for a person)

The main thing I’m impressed by is how quickly I am able to jump to a different thought (ideally a question, or a less negative thought) when I write. I think if this were just in my head I’d ponder over related thoughts (ie “I really miss him” -> “I really just wanna tell him ILY” -> “Maybe I should text him” etc etc) before I’d find the ability to question this train of thoughts.

My conclusion from today’s adventures?: Faith in journaling and writing has been re-restored. Some of the stuff I went through today feels very breakthrough-like. Quite a fulfilling day in terms of self-growth. I was also quite sick for a whole week so quite glad to finally be feeling better.

038a – food as a language

Our conversation at work often revolves around food. I think this was true back in San Francisco too but I wasn’t as present during that time period when I was really getting to know my colleagues over lunch. But here it’s been better (from my end). I feel present, I’ve also gained a better understanding and view of dishes and cuisines from around the world so I suppose I feel a bit more confident and at ease participating in these conversations.

Today was another such day. And it got me thinking about how food is such an amazing medium to get to know someone and their culture. Sometimes I still can’t believe how for the first 20-something years of my life I didn’t have a good appreciation for food. Of course, I liked some food items a lot and didn’t like certain things, I wasn’t without my preferences. But I never thought about the what’s and the why’s. And definitely never really stopped to appreciate how delicious and sensually fulfilling food can be.

My ex-boyfriend was a true foodie (before it was “cool”), and I can never really fully articulate how glad I am for this aspect of him (among others too).

This introductory food appreciation stint was followed by me moving out of India, and that was definitely much different. Little did I know how the pastas and pizzas I was so used to eating back in India were so different from what you got in New York, or San Francisco, which themselves were so different from what you’d get in Italy. Of course, there’s still so much I haven’t tried but I’m more open now, more curious about it. Because I’m also seeing the benefits.

One aspect of food discourse that I enjoy is seeing how certain ingredients are common across various cultures (and not just geographically adjacent ones), and I’d be really interested to learn more about how geography and climate play a role into this as well.

But one thing I think I only fully realised today is that while I’ve often seen really well-produced food shows or videos by really talented people on the internet which are super-duper informative and enlightening.. it’s nothing compared to how much you learn (and retain) when you actually share a physical space with someone.

Or maybe someone talking to me in detail about food preferences is just intimate to me. And maybe it’s got nothing to do with cultural expansion and everything to do simply with — feeling seen.

037a – back home, kind of

Haven’t been feeling great for the last couple days. Not mentally, per se. I think more physically. Fell sick last week and I think I’m still recovering a bit. The pressure of making the most of a new place is a bit too much, I don’t know. Taking it chill doesn’t seem to be the correct philosophy for life lately. I mean, maybe I’m not even sure whether I’d want to be taking it chill, even if the world told me it was okay.

I’ve been making more music though, and it’s been nice to get to that point. I’m also more motivated to maybe try playing at an open mic sometime soon. Maybe in the next 6 months. I say 6, because ideally it’s 4 but also winters will come around soon so might not be realistic to be able to do this before November.

I wanna feel better soon. So I can plan more social things without having to cancel them last minute.

I think I’m going to take a step back from insta-posting. Maybe that era’s behind me. I want to get more creative with expression, now. There was a time when “expressing” was important than the form it took.. but maybe that’s not the case anymore. Maybe I want to focus on the second part of expression, ie the connection and resonance it’s suppose to create with another person. I’ll need to become more organized. I’ll need to become more disciplined. Am I afraid? Of course I am. It sucks to have to realize that maybe you’re not good at things you wanted to be good at. But I wouldn’t know until I give it a real shot. Which means restarting my vocal lessons, really putting focus time into songwriting etc.

This doesn’t have to be pressurizing. I don’t have to do everything at once.

I need to restart therapy as well. I don’t know how long I can carry on without some support. Right now I’m feeling okay but suddenly at 1pm sometimes things feel really heavy.

Cool thing of the day though – I’d ordered some clothes from Uniqlo and I finally received them, one of the pieces fit me really well and I’m pretty happy!

Anyway, today came with some questions worth pondering over –

Do you feel in touch with your life? What parts feel good, what don’t?

I think I need more people in my life for sure. Need to put myself out there, both in terms of friendships and dating. Need more variety of people as well, need people with whom I’m more aligned in terms of values etc. Health is the other thing, I’ll have to make some commitments to myself soon. I’ve been unable to, but it’s going to be high-time soon. I don’t want to reach a point where some of the damage I’ve done to my body is irreversible.

Which goals do I wanna prioritize over the others? (Personal, social, career-based)

How to balance living with reflection?

035a – big changes

Really need the noise to quieten down. External, internal, all of it. Anxiety’s been pretty high lately. I “overthink” every little decision I have to go through. Wish some of the days would pass by easier. A 4-day long weekend in the middle of apartment hunting is just the worst. The first thing everyone asks me when they talk to me is whether I found a house yet or not. It’s frustrating, though I’m not sure why. Because I’m worried about it? It’s a trigger, I guess.

Everyone’s priorities in life are so different, it’s hard to remember that it’s okay that that’s the case. The context that’s shaped all of us is so different, even if we may have somehow ended up in the same location at this point in time. Someone said the past doesn’t really matter, it’s what you decide in this moment that shapes you. It sounds wonderful, but I’m not sure if I believe it.

Need to do some of the mundane things: cleanup, etc. Need my space to be better for relaxation. (and work too, lol)

I actually don’t have a lot of “things” to do right now, not too many. But until I finalize a house I’m just not able to focus on any of the smaller stuff, even if it’s really tiny. So far, I think I liked San Francisco better than Amsterdam.. though I’m aware the former has three whole years on the other. I used to think I’m good with casual parties every day and that I might enjoy them too, but man – this city really is on a whole other level. Or so it feels. I do crave some like-minded people around me though. Someone I could really share FeELinGs with.

I’m really envious of people who can adjust to big changes (or I guess even smaller changes) faster. I know I’m not like them, though how I wish I were. I miss the people I’ve said goodbye to, but even more – I miss the feelings I’ve said goodbye to. And it’s that classic problem – even if I were to go back to those people and try to feel the same things, I wouldn’t. Because they were unique to that time. And it’s fine, I’m not closed to what’s in store for me, I know I’ll learn to enjoy other things and other people, but I guess there’s just a lot of weeks I need to go through before I can get to that.

My third week here is about to end in a couple of days. Let’s see what it brings before it ends. Amsterdam, be good to me. 🙂 ❤

033a – flights, again

Well, I’m in a 5-hour flight again. Flying to Boston. We’re going to attempt to catch some fall foliage in and around New England. I’m really excited, this has been on my “list” for a while now. It’s also my last fall in the US for the short-medium term, so of course, it’s extra special.

I’m not sure the timing’s great though. I have a couple weeks to prep for interviews etc., and managing that along with work is going to be a little hard. And for some reason lately, I’ve been wanting to create more and more content all day, all the time. Not sure why I have so much to express suddenly. Could it be possible that our brains go on overdrive in whichever universe we immerse them into?

That is to say, if I cut off all contact with music, poetry, photography, etc. for a couple weeks, I’ll be able to focus on work and interviews? I should give that a real shot.

I suppose it’s okay though, I’m sure life will work out one way or the other. Worst case I just end up going to India instead.

My laptop’s going to be out of juice soon, what a pain it’d be to have to dig into the depths of my backpack to take out the charger.

I met someone amazing the other day. I’d really like to see her again. I haven’t asked yet, we’ll see how that goes. I’m realizing that the full (overt) vulnerability thing might be a bit tricky when it comes to dating, etc. I post a lot on the internet, including this blog, but what if someone I’m currently seeing comes across it? It might be a little crazy to have so much information about someone before really getting to know them.
Although, I think about the various people I follow online, and I suppose if I did meet them in “real life”, it’s not necessary that I’d fuse their “work” with them. While it’s true that everything we create is in some ways a part of us, that’s all it is, right? It’s not necessarily our identity.

Anyway, I realized last night that I’d like to share more of my poetry with more people. I’d like to participate in open mics as well. I’ve found a virtual open mic coming up the next weekend and I think I might try to attend that. Man, life really is short, isn’t it? So much to do, such little time.

This flight thing isn’t too bad though, it’s nice to get this sort of focus time where I don’t really have to do anything, so I’m free to do anything I want – under the being-a-thousand-miles-away-from-earth constraints, of course.

I just checked my word count, we’re already at 500 words. Could it be.. could this actually become a 1000-word post after many, many months?

My phone’s been out of storage lately so I was unable to download offline music for this flight. (I mean I thought I’d downloaded it but only once when I was up in the air I’d realized that wasn’t the case). But the coolest thing just happened. The flight wifi details state that it doesn’t support audio/video streaming, but I tried to play something on youtube and it worked. I wonder if it’s a bug or a feature. I’m not telling them though, not trying to find out.

In other news, I think addictions are a little crazy. I think I’m softly addicted to the feeling of being seen. While I’ve now accepted that it’s completely acceptable to share your work (or thoughts and feeling), etc., as much as you’d like to, I’d still like to be at peace even when I’m not getting to share it? As soon as I got on the flight today I felt restless. I immediately wanted to purchase wi-fi and talk to people.

Could I.. what if I’m more extroverted than I’d thought? Ah just kidding, I hadn’t met anyone in 2 business days, even my introversion has limits.

Holy shit, I just saw the most orange cloud of clouds I’ve seen in a while. And the whole thing looked especially insane from above the clouds. Don’t think I’ve seen something like this. Will add pictures once I reach earth.

Anyway, I just realized I still have a whole 2 hours to go in here, so I think I’m going to use this time to peruse some interview prep material to easy a little bit of my stress and worries. Catch y’all later, humans.