Tag: Personal

066b – more on being HSP

I mentioned a few posts ago that I’ve been learning more about the highly sensitive person trait lately. Today has been a bit of a gloomy day because of some of the things I read. Although in many ways this feels like a puzzle piece that had been missing for a long time from my landscape of self-understanding, it does come with its fair share of sad-ish realisations. 

  1. I will not be able to express all my ideas. 

    I think this hit harder because yesterday had been a very prolific day (from my standards) in terms of creative expression and I’d been feeling overjoyed and extremely enthusiastic about a lot of it. I did feel a little overstimulated already today morning, since I hadn’t caught enough sleep, but then I ended up reading the book I’ve been reading on HSPs which coincidentally also hit this point. That someone like me can feel overstimulated or over-aroused not just because of “intrusive thoughts” but also thoughts (and ideas) in general. And we need to be aware that we won’t be able to do justice to them all. 

  2. The balance between finding peace/calm and “satisfaction” might be a constant struggle. 

    If I’m someone who wants to work on, express and share a lot of my ideas, but can only operate on a lower productivity than the “majority” of the people around me, I’m probably going to find myself either a. a bit dissatisfied or b. regularly overstimulated. So, yeah— I suppose this is going to be a constant struggle. I might have to REALLY ask myself what’s important.

    In other words, sustained peace might also be a bit elusive. I imagine it’ll be a regular dance of arousal and calm as opposed to just staying calm for a whole day, for example. 

  3. I need to not use social media as a way to calm myself down. 

    This one isn’t sad, it makes sense actually, and I need to work on this anyway. I was checking Instagram a lot throughout the morning and even after waking up but by the afternoon, I felt completely depleted even though I didn’t really do anything exhausting or tiring, really. I’ve noticed that I end up feeling not very great if something important to me doesn’t get the response I expected. I’ve talked about this before, but this is my reminder. Definitely need to be cautious about this. 

  4. Paying attention to and not compromising on sleep will be of utmost importance. 

    I am susceptible to letting sleep suffer if I’m really enjoying certain activities (whether it’s hanging out with friends or really getting in the zone with something creative etc). However, I need to remember that that short-term gratification is NOT worth fucking up your entire next day. We’re pretty good at accepting that that’s true for things like work and partying (for example) but I need to remember it applies to almost everything. Except like really urgent situations. (Health-related, etc). 

Okay, this is all for now, I imagine I’ll be talking more about this regularly. Like I said earlier, bear with me! And if you’re HSP too, let me know! 

063 – on “introspective writing”

As I’ve stated many, many (MANY) times on this blog already, lately I’ve been getting more in touch with the joy I get from writing. But because I have a brain that is anxious and hyper-sensitive, I’m often troubled with the problems that still remain. 

(branch // re: on focusing on existing problems) [Because I realised this was a bit of an internal judgement] {

I don’t think that will ever change, to be very honest, since we never reach perfection, and it’s almost part of my nature to be very aware of what’s missing. 

However, what has changed, and what I am working on changing more is how I feel about whatever is missing. As long as I don’t feel upset about the missing stuff, it’s actually very good for me, because that’s what gives me direction, that’s what tells me how to grow. Or even if I do feel upset but can recover quickly from the feelings of it, being aware of what’s lacking is GOOD. 

Yes, this reframe is important because for years I’ve heard from the external world that “being TOO focused” on what’s not good makes you a “negative” person. But it’s not that I’m not grateful and happy about what’s good, maybe voicing it out was never as important as voicing out the things that were lacking. At least in these aspects. If people wanted more appreciation and gratitude about THEM from me, they could have always stated their needs. But if it’s just a “general preference” thing, then I think it’s okay if that is an incompatibility. To each their own. I don’t need to internalise this. (As a child, teenager, etc, maybe even an insecure adult— I must have— but I’m going to work on internalising this reframe instead.)

}

So anyway, one of the “problems” I’m currently thinking about is how I only gravitate towards introspective writing. The book I’m currently reading ie The Highly Sensitive Person mentions that it’s pretty typical of HSPs to gravitate towards a LOT of introspection.

(branch // re: HSP ) {

Bear with me as this might show up a lot in my expression for potentially a few days, weeks. I’m only starting to learn more about this right now and because it seems to explain a lot of things about myself that I’ve often questioned (sometimes subconsciously)— I might talk about it a lot. 

Of course, all psychological research AND labels should be consumed with a grain of salt, and I’m going to be mindful of that (I read some reviews earlier which made a little skeptical) but maybe the whole point IS that if I’m getting affirmed by what I’m reading, then there’s nothing wrong with that as well. If I fall exactly in the target audience of the book, maybe that’s okay.

So, yeah, I might be VERY HSP and maybe I’ve been needing a lot more affirmation and validation than I might have realised so far. 

}

So, alright, heavy introspection is a part of my nature and that’s likely not changing. And I have one great example of someone who does a LOT of introspective writing and has managed to make that useful for people as well. 

So why is this a problem, really? Why do I think this is a problem? 

Because CURRENTLY I don’t have an audience, I suppose. Or currently, I don’t know how to make my writing useful for people. 

But is this really a problem right now? 

Well, yes, because over the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about exploring writing professionally as well. (Even through internships and such). 

Phew, it actually feels very stupid why it took me so long to get here.

(branch // storytime) {

I was talking to a friend a few days ago and when I mentioned that I do think I enjoy writing a lot and I might want to explore that professionally as well but that I’m worried about who I could write for or whether people would find value in it, in an effort to comfort me, she said something like “well you don’t actually need to worry about this right now you can just focus on sharing whatever you’re writing right now”. 

So.. her statement was very well-meaning, however I’m realising that the reassurance did not help me. This is something I’m trying to remember about myself: Other people’s reassurances will not help me in the long-run. There’s a specific way of deliberation and reassurance that works for me, and I need to go over it all, my mind does like to have gone over the ten different questions of a thing for it to be okay with proceeding. Also, I don’t think that’s procrastination. For me, that’s just the best way of minimising regret over anything. Deep deliberation. 

}

So, anyway, it’s okay that I want to carve some time out thinking about who the audience might be. Even if I decide not to explore writing professionally right away (OR ever), even when you’re doing creative work as a hobby, I don’t think it’s wasted effort to think about who might see, benefit from or resonate your work.  

I guess, all this to say: 

  • I do like a lot of introspection and naturally, introspective writing is what I do the most. But this is okay. 
  • I’m often focused on “what’s missing” or “still not great”, and that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for what’s good, but a focus on “what can be better” is okay too, since it gives me direction and aids growth. 
  • I probably need to be careful with taking reassurance from other people since it can often set me back. 
  • I don’t have clarity around whether my writing does or can have an audience. Although I have many examples of great writers who do do a lot of introspective writing, it’s still worth doing more research on this. Until then, it’s okay to not have this clarity since my primary goal with writing is still that it helps me (it’s almost a need, really) and that I find immense joy in it. 

(Wrote a 1000-word post after v long! V happy)

058b – movement 

It’s been a rough couple weeks. I wrote in the last post that there are a lot of parts of my life that I feel aren’t working, and that changes need to be made. I think, even though the things that I’ve had to “change” or the process of the change has been quite painful, I think it’s all for the best. 

I’ve decided to quit nicotine and it’s already been two weeks, and I think it can stick. I’m reading Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking to help me with this and I think a lot of the things in it make sense. The whole idea is to cut the desire at the root. We always try to escape the craving but the whole point is to really examine the craving and be okay with sitting with it. I’d been trying to do some of that by myself too but I think having external guiding material is much more effective. The other thing that helps it the regular reinforcement of how the craving is genuinely a bit of a false craving. We think nicotine is pleasurable but apparently it only feels pleasurable because it kills the withdrawal caused by the previous round of it in our body (or mind). 

Parallely, the task of moving on from a romantic interest has also been thrust upon me. (I underplay this, she was more than a romantic interest, I think.) But.. I think it’s fitting that I’m quitting two things at once. It’s kind of similar, isn’t it? I mean, even though I know that one comes from a more genuine place (ie, heart, soul, etc), I think that aspect of like/love isn’t that hard to deal with. It’s the addictive part that’s harder to deal with. 

So overall, with both the things it’s about cutting the desire(s) at the root. I think I’ve been coping pretty healthily. Talking to friends, journaling, using music as an outlet, all good things. Only food is suffering a bit so I need to make the healthier choices when it comes to that, and I will, from tomorrow. (Yes, yes, I know “from tomorrow” is the classic avoidant phrase, but I really will). 

A close friend is moving to Delhi and I’m really excited to have him around. I’ve been feeling a lack of social support/circle overall and it’ll be nice to have a bit of an addition to my existing people. 

Finally got a couple really big house-tasks done and that’s been a major stress-reliever. There’s a lot more to do (I guess there always is), but I’m trying to lean towards action as much as possible. I think it has to be done regularly, ie the choice to pick action over thinking, it has to made regularly, in majority of the moments. (For me, at least, since I err on the side of overthinking). 

(Side realisation: I used to dislike the word “overthinking”, because I thought it implies judgement, and maybe it does, but I’m getting less defensive about it. And I’m accepting that yes, there is a difference between thinking and overthinking, the same way there’s a difference between processing and rumination. There’s definitely limits needed to “thoughts”. For many of us, I’m sure). 

Anyway, good stuff. I feel myself growing. (This is hilarious but I genuinely feel it AH)

Alright, let’s go October xx

058a – must I write?

I was reading “Letters to a Young Poet” once again (after almost a couple years) since I was going through a pretty strong “I’ve no idea what I’m doing” week and I’ve been meaning to come back to it for a while now. 

At the very beginning, Rilke asks the young poet (and I suppose all poets, in general) to ask themselves a very basic question — must you write? And only if the answer is a resounding yes (a “fuck yes”, if you will), should you continue. Only if “you can’t not”, should you continue. And if you really must, then you should give everything into designing a life for yourself that allows you to write. 

For the longest time now, I’ve been very clear about the fact that I do need to write to feel happier. I like to write (in various forms) and I know that I’m more at peace when I regularly get to do so. Yet, when I asked myself this question again, for the last few days, I’ve been doubtful. Must I— really— write? Can I survive without it? Even if I could, would I like to? I don’t know. 

I know that I see things more clearly when I write. Whether it’s events that are happening inside me, or outside me, writing is the one tool that allows me more perspective. Of course, words can only takes us so far, and they’re not a substitute for the lived experience or the event itself, but they’re the next best thing, for me at least.

And now that I’m here, actually writing, I think.. yeah, I can’t really live without writing. I mean, I can go without it for a few days, but I can’t imagine not writing at all for a whole week, definitely not for a whole month. I’d probably go crazy.  Maybe I shouldn’t second-guess this. Socrates supposedly said that the unexamined life isn’t worth living. And I think I believe that. And I think writing allows me to do that the best. 

Speaking of, I’ve been sick almost for a week now and it’s really taken a toll on my mental health too. Recovering now, though, although I do have some hard questions to return to once I fully recover. There are a lot of parts of my life that I feel aren’t working, or that I’m not very satisfied with, and I’m at the point where changes do need to be made, otherwise the frustrations might just get unmanageable. 

Hope your week has been better than mine!

050 – two months of moving to India + 50,000 words

Lately I’ve had nights where I wake up with the same thoughts that were buzzing in my head when I was going to sleep. It’s kinda weird, because sleep is almost always a good way to get a “reset”. Without this reset, the day that’s coming up can feel really bleak (if the night had been feeling that way). I woke up kind of depressed today. I’ve been feeling low since the last two days. Which, of course, I’m generally used to, ie periods of feeling low, but things were still a bit tough this weekend. 

This lowness was making me doubt my moving-to-India decision quite strongly. I’m okay now, did a bit of physical exercise, had my afternoon coffee, played a game of online Catan, and consumed a bit of nicotine too. In the meanwhile, my mind was able to come up with some counters for this doubt. 

  • I did this to minimise regrets, and that’s still very important. If I plan to adjust to India even for a full year, I will have to go through the doubt days. The days when it feels like a bad decision. That’s just a part of any big move. I’ve had similar days in grad school in Atlanta, in SF and even in Amsterdam. Regardless of the place or the thing, I’m like a 100% sure that “doubt” is just a part of the package. 
  • I literally don’t have the option to not be working anywhere else. So I just need to remind myself to be grateful for the career freedom I have right now. I don’t get that anywhere else. When I see people living in all these beautiful countries and “having fun”, I don’t see the 40 hours work-weeks they’re living for that fun. (Yes, that may still be enjoying that, but I personally wouldn’t at this time, so it’s just not an option for me.) I don’t get to compare the “fun” if I don’t keep in mind the work thing. 
  • The other day I was talking to my sister, who was having similar feelings about her decision to be in the US. And we concluded that no place has everything, so even if we want to divide our time in multiple places in the long-term, in the short-term we still need to focus on making the most of where we are. That advice is obviously valuable for me as well. While I’m here, I need to focus on all the things I have here. ie the people, the art I want to make and all the additional time I have that I get to use on whatever I want. 

That brings me to the next thing. How do I want to spend all this extra time I have? I think I’ve already addressed that here. Maybe it might be worth putting down some long-term goals to make all of those buckets a little less vague. 

Currently, I think I’m also feeling blocked because house-search is taking a good amount of bandwidth, and I feel like I’m not able to fully feel the freedom that I want (need) until that isn’t done. And that’s fair. Since that is something I’m sure I need to get started on “life”, it’s okay for me to feel blocked by it. Of course, in ideal conditions, we won’t be waiting for X and Y to be sorted before we could work on Z, ie if Z was important enough, but I don’t think I’m there yet. And it’s not like I’m not doing Z at all. I’m just not fully able to enjoy it. 

Since this is going to be my 50th post here, I figured it might be worth making it a 1000-word post. I was planning to reflect a bit on writing anyway, so maybe I can just do that here. 

  • I’ve increasingly been feeling that setting up this blog was one of the best things I could have done for my writing goals. And my creative goals in general too. The freedom of just being able to write whatever you want and hit “Publish” without thinking much about it is amazing. The pipeline is easy, there isn’t much overhead, and I get to feel satisfied about sharing most of what I’m writing. 

  • I have 70 subscribers here! Yay! While the number may not feel like a lot in today’s age of multiple thousands followers and subscribers that most people have, it’s still worth celebrating, since this is purely word-vomits, and by some miracle I have 70 people who receive updates whenever I share something. (They may or may not read it, it doesn’t matter, really, but I’m super duper grateful anyway)

  • Because dedicating a place for just writing was so helpful to me (and similarly the music account I have on Insta was as well), I do think it might be worth separating out my photography and art accounts too. I’m super conflicted about this one, and I follow a couple people who’ve experienced the same conflict too, but data tells me I should do it, if I really just want to do “more” of either (or both) things.

  • The other day someone asked me what is the one thing (activity) I feel like is “mine”, the one which I feel really called towards, or really am able to feel “attached” to in a way… and I said “writing”. I think that itself for someone like me speaks volumes. And I think I have this blog to thank for it.

  • I posted a lot in May and June! So having the spare time to do this did make me do more of this, and that makes me incredibly happy.

  • Getting back into reading has been good too. I’ve had 2-3 years of very minimal reading, and now that I’m getting back into it, it feels really good. While reading is not necessarily a requirement for writing, it does help to get some inspiration from time to time. I finally left the book I was stuck on even though I thought I didn’t want to leave it midway, and started reading a new one, which was a great decision because a. It’s been a really enjoyable read and b. It makes me want to write more. 

Alright, that’s a wrap on 50,000 words on here. Happy July! 

049a – what else is coming up?

Excited. Excited to finish 50k words soon. Excited to begin my Delhi phase soon. I’ve never actually lived in Delhi apart from college (which almost doesn’t count because we were so sheltered, but I’ve great memories of Delhi). I wanna do some research around whether safety in Delhi is actually as bad as it was a few years ago. Just based on “vibes”, I feel like things might’ve improved. But I don’t know, vibes can be misleading. Excited to setup my house and fill it with a bunch of art and plants. I’ve ordered new painting supplies so I’m also excited to practice some art soon. Excited to see this person-I’ve-met-a-couple-times, again. 

Content. I took a break from this because the excitement to paint took over me. It was a good idea since I painted a couple of abstract-ey landscapes which I really enjoyed. And they came out nice too. I was drained after so I didn’t get back to this until now. Content with some creative progress as well. I’ve gotten faster at painting the same things I was painting a few months earlier. I’ve also gotten better at leaving things at 90%. (Yes, going to the 100% is very important in certain cases, but personally, more often than not it’s better for me when I’m able to stop at a “good enough” state.) Content with this word-vomit as well, I quite like this grouping-thoughts-by-feelings thing. 

Anxious. Anxious about a dentist appointment I have tomorrow. Anxious about spending too much time with mom, I don’t know why. Anxious that I don’t have too many social plans for the coming week, and my parents are traveling so I essentially won’t have anyone at home. Which.. I was excited about earlier but I haven’t planned the week well enough to still be excited about it. But maybe I can do some planning over the weekend. Anxious about some of the tasks on my todo list which I really don’t want to get to. But I’ll have to, so that’s going to be tomorrow and the weekend as well.  

Unmotivated. Unmotivated to think about certain long-term questions that I thought I can take my time with, but.. since 2 months of chilling are about to be over, I might need to think about some of them sometime this month. Unmotivated to respond to a bunch of texts I haven’t been feeling like looking at. 

Doubtful. Doubtful about how much social media usage I’m okay with. I’ve been trying to cut down on Instagram consumption a bit, but not super seriously, but I know deep down that as long as I continue to get some amount of dopamine from social media, I’m not going to put (as much) effort into other things, the more real things. But I know I can’t cut Instagram completely since it’s a big outlet for art-sharing for me. 

Dissatisfied. Dissatisfied with the amount of physical exercise I got today. Definitely need to get more tomorrow. 

Theorising. I do think it might be important to cut down (or completely eliminate) social media if I want to increase satisfaction overall. The wanting-to-be-everywhere problem only comes up more when you get a bunch of exposure from a bunch of people in different places. 

046b – i feel shitty when i don’t journal enough

Haven’t written anything for the last 4-5 days and it’s getting to me. Last few days have been quite emotionally exhausting since I’ve been spending a time with a lot of old friends and in general, what seems like an insanely new environment. I did expect a lot of discomfort to show up during this trip, but knowing that didn’t help me too much in navigating it. Finally got some time to myself today though, and that’s been helpful with recharging etc. 

I’ve been having an explosion of thoughts right around midnight which then keeps me up for at least 2-3 hours before I finally fall asleep, and needless to say— that’s not pleasant at all. I think journaling before bedtime (like I’m doing right now) will be helpful. 

There’s a few triggers I’m recognising which I probably need to be mindful of when I’m hanging out with a lot of people (old and new): 

  • Happy couples, relationshipy things 
  • Overly work-focused conversations 
  • People who are seemingly thriving, well-adjusted and sorted wrt more than 70% of their life things 
  • Being “bad” at anything 

That’s all I can think of right now but I’d love to keep coming back to this list because I’m sure having it written down in front of me will be helpful. 

Otherwise, things are okay. I’m getting to explore Bangalore as a city a little bit and that’s nice. The (good) weather does make a difference, I’ve found. More like-minded people around (as compared to Delhi) and that might end up being important too. 

Sometimes I feel like going really deep into the micro-ness of situations. But I’m afraid. I’m afraid of putting it all out there. I think something I’m going to struggle with is how to talk (write) about the people around you without revealing too much. Not because I’m afraid of the truth of certain situations to be out there, but because sometimes the situation isn’t completely yours to tell. 

Feeling a lot of pressure to create and share more. I think I need to focus on skill development as opposed to just having this vague goal of “creating more”. Need some structure with all of these (creative) activities. Or at least some of them. Or maybe this is part of me realising I don’t actually enjoy them as much as I thought I did and I’m just not ready to accept that yet. Man, it’d be very disappointing if that were the case. 

I think lately, even though I’m not always happy (which of course is not possible either), I’m definitely more satisfied with life. Like overall, I’m satisfied and content with the decisions I’ve taken. And of course I’m still working on a lot of my shortcomings, some more important than others, but despite that, I’m definitely content with certain things: 

  • Having a regular journaling / blogging routine 
  • Making enough time for emotions and myself
    • Through regular therapy
  • Improvement on my ability and speed to come back to the present when needed
  • Having taken the decision to take this work-break & move to India 
  • My social connections

Alright that’s enough of the good and the bad. Write soon!

046a – time distribution

The part of me that worries about the future is also the part that has a really good imagination. I imagine being 60 and realising that I’ll have a lot of time to create all the art that I want. Provided my health stays somewhat okay, I can still do creative stuff at 60. Which also means it’s worth investing in the skills I want to pick up. Which means even if I’m not making great paintings right now, it’s still worth just doing the thing since I have around 20-30 years at least to get to the point my current self might probably be super proud of, then. 

I don’t have to rush over anything. As long as I’m not irrational or completely stupid about the way I spend my money, I think I can afford to take my time with things. 

In other news, I miss Amsterdam a little bit. I imagine everything must be really beautiful now that the summer must have arrived fully. I miss the afternoons, the evenings, I miss biking for errands. I miss storytelling nights at Mezrab and poetry nights at Labyrinth. I miss the coffee and the bread, and a random “Bedankt” here and there. 

Reconnecting with my friends here in India has been great though. There’s a level of familiarity and familiality (this should be a word) that is almost unbeatable.   

May has passed decently and June is going to be occupied with some travel. Once I’m back (ie July) I’ll start looking for apartments and move out of my parents’ place as soon as I find one. Looking forward to that, quite a bit. I’ve kicked off dating again and that’s been good, at least in the sense that I can afford to feel optimistic a bit, and don’t have to beat myself up about not putting in the effort on this front. I’m going to be 28 soon! Despite theoretically being in what I call “my yolo era”, of course the weight of societal expectations will trigger me about all of this from time to time. And the best defence to that (for my sake, I mean, not as an answer to society) of course, is — action.

I’ve been struggling a bit with how much time and bandwidth I want to reserve for the part of me that feels duty bound towards certain people (like family and friends). I think this is how I’d want to divide it*:  

  • Dating (20%) (14 hours)
  • Creative Goals and Pursuits (30%) (21 hours)
  • Well-Being & Health (20%) (14 hours) [Includes recreation] 
  • Social (15%) (10 hours)
  • Responsibilities (15%) (10 hours)
  • Misc [Future Planning? Lol idk? Other things] 

Okay I think this helps. This tells me how much I can afford to spend on these buckets and if I did actually spend my time this way I probably wouldn’t be unhappy. Currently I’m not living in ideal conditions so my time is not distributed this way, which is fine. I’m hopeful that once the distribution moves closer to what I’ve listed above, things should be better. I’ve left a bucket open for other things that may come up and demand some of this usable time of mine.

Anyway, good sesh. Let me know how y’all spend your time and if I’ve missed important buckets!  

*Rough weekly estimates. Calculated on the basis of having 10*7 hours of usable time every week after accounting for sleep, food etc, commute. 

041a – big changes  

So I finally handed in my resignation letter at work today. I’ve been thinking about this for almost two years now, the first time when work became immensely stressful and I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m glad that I didn’t quit then, and yet, over the last few months, even though work was absolutely fine, I still couldn’t stop thinking about “what if I could do something else”.

So.. here I am. Anyway, I don’t have a plan. I don’t know whether there’s an answer to that question. But I’m going to take some time. At least, start with a break. Then give myself a few months (more if needed) to see whether there’s an answer to the question. 

To be clear, I don’t think our work needs to be a huge part of our identity, I do firmly believe that the primary purpose of work is a pay-check. And I think I’ll continue to live by that philosophy. But yes, maybe it’s possible to be a little happier at work? Just maybe? I don’t know, but I hope so. Maybe if my overall work satisfaction (this is including the money and the flexibility and all the other factors) is at 6 right now, maybe it can at least be a 7? I know that sounds like a small shift but that’s like a 16% increase, which I think is significant. So, let’s see. Big question marks here. 

I’m also moving cities (nay, countries) again. Because taking a break means it’ll be nice to have other forms of support (ie familial, etc), I’m moving back home. I think this is a step in the right direction as well. More and more people are also recognising the value of living in tight-knit communities, and I think I have those structures available back home. I’m optimistic. 

I should note that I do recognise that there are 4 big rocks which have the potential to take down my overall life satisfaction — ie individual safety, infrastructure, noise+pollution, conservatism. However, I think I just hope that the improvement in social+cultural satisfaction will be worth that potential cost.

I sincerely think the scary part of this gigantic step is over. Of course I may end up being severely wrong. But for now, I’m happy. And optimistic. And that’s more than enough.

I’ll really miss Amsterdam. It’s a cute, interesting, logistically easy city. Except for the 4 months of winters (which is quite a lot for my tropical self), there’s so much to love and learn from. I’m glad a spent this year here. But life calls, and I must leave for now.

040a – connecting with myself

Haven’t written one of these in a while. Been going through a lot of stuff lately, not eventfully but feelings wise, but as a result I’ve finally gotten back into a little bit of working out that I’d completely given up for almost the last 6 months. So I did some good amount just now and I’m feeling spent. Post-workout clarity has also allowed myself to cancel a thing I was kind of dreading so I have the rest of the day free now.

The last 2-3 days have been pretty decent though, and the week overall too. Though I think my social life can be a little better and a little more fulfilling, overall not much to complain about these days. It’s getting a little less cold outside as well so that’s been a major pick-me-up. Creatively, I feel better too. Been writing a little bit and clicking pictures again, and that always makes me feel super nice. 

Really wanna make the most of this place and the people in the next two months so I can feel somewhat satisfied with my time here. (ie Amsterdam)

Anyway, something that was coming up a lot in the couple weeks before the one that just went by was a lot of feelings of loneliness and isolation. Some of it was just coming by due to not enough daytime plans and not enough socialisation in general, but I think of some of it was just my own. Something that came up in therapy is how feeling disconnected from even myself can cause this. And that feels true, as I’ve finally incorporated a little more physical activity and movement in my own routine, I’m feeling more connected with myself again. (This was what I knew I needed, this could of course differ for you)

One other thing I’ve been trying to do more of is learn more about art, what it is, how important it is to me and the world, etc etc. And I’ve talked about this before but I think a question that often comes up for me is whether there’s a difference between art and entertainment. (This comes up because personally I like to think about whether something I’m putting out in the world is just entertaining or whether it serves a bigger purpose. And while I don’t deny that entertainment does have its own value, I do think art is a little different.) But I finally found my answer with this quote by Erik Hoel: Entertainment, etymologically speaking, means “to maintain, to keep someone in a certain frame of mind.” Art, however, changes us. I’m sure there’s a lot of research on these two concepts and how they tie together, I’m sure a lot of people have different opinions about this, but for me, I think I agree with this idea that not all entertainment can be “art”. Stumbled upon this quote from Brody Deschanel’s channel, which itself has some really well-researched and well written video essays on a variety of topics. 

So, to recap:

  1. Had a few lonely and isolating weeks, realised that connection with myself can be a good solution too, when I can’t always hang out with other people.
  2. Entertainment and art are both valuable, but I think art serves a bigger purpose than entertainment.