presence – untitled atm

105 – unblocking

If you write (or create any sort of content, for that matter), you are constantly on the lookout for material. Sometimes it’s fun because it happens automatically, but at times it’s quite draining too. Yes, people have talked about this before— how the reflex of “documenting a moment” can really kill the moment itself. Especially with writing, a lot of the advice points to this— document as much as you can, make as many notes as you can, because for sure memory is going to fail you. But I’ve found this to be consistently true in my days lately… I do feel like I’m stealing myself away from the present moment if I’m constantly trying to document it. How does one balance this? I’d like to figure that out.

Anyway, came here to note this thought down (how meta of me), but might just do a word-vomit instead. Y and I have been cat-sitting for a friend (it’s two cats!) which we were very excited about initially but it turned out be quite a.. lot. The mother cat (Mimo) isn’t spayed and in heat which was a lot for her to handle (and for us too). She seemed like she was under a lot of stress— yowling for hours at end, constantly wanting to go out, hissing at her daughter (Bailey) a lot, and wanting a lot of attention from us too. Even though we absolutely loved giving her the attention she needed, we’re two people who get overstimulated very easily so it was all a bit too much for us to handle. We’re transferring ownership to a friend of the owner’s tomorrow, so looking forward to some relief and quiet. The cats are adorable though, I know I’m going to miss them too.

It was a nice distraction from the “tasks” of life, of course.. and I did learn that maybe I can’t have cats in the future like I always thought I would. This is disappointing of course, but this is also not final since of course a spayed (or neutered cat) would be easier to handle, I know that. Definitely don’t think I can do kids though, that’s confirmed.

I was reading this first post that I ever wrote on this blog, because I feel like I’m stuck in a similar situation again. It’s interesting to see just how much I had to write! Like so many thoughts and feelings. I don’t feel that way anymore. Sometimes I sit in front of the laptop or the journal and nothing comes out of me. And I know deep down that it’s not because I don’t have stuff to talk about, it’s just because I’ve become a bit avoidant with some of my feelings. This was never an issue for me, avoidance is a relatively new issue, to be very honest. Which is probably why I haven’t taken it very seriously either. Acknowledging that I’m somewhat avoidant about certain things also means that I have to face that I used to judge other “avoidants” in the past. I know most of it is not in our control, avoidance/anxiety about “problems” are just copes, and different people cope differently. And to be fair, “avoidance” is a bit easier to manage than anxiety is.. I think I just liked not feeling super anxious all the time.

But I know.. I know, to write, or do anything, to move at all, I do have to face whatever it is that’s going on.

One happy thing before I talk about what I think my current open problems are in life: in the post (the first post), I talk about “dreaming about composing music”! I’d never realised I used to dream about it. Like I’d never acknowledged this dream properly enough to myself! But I’ve successfully composed a few songs, so the dream has been realised.. pretty proud of this! There’s a lesson here— we need to fully acknowledge and voice our dreams to ourselves, otherwise when they come true we won’t even know that we have something worth celebrating!

Anyway, now to the question of what are the main areas I want to be working towards over the next.. <undecided time-frame>:

Work stuff, what I want to do for work, job search etc
Geography.. I have no idea how I will tackle this but I do want to
Gender stuff— even though this isn’t as urgent as it was maybe even a few months ago, I know it doesn’t feel fully resolved.. and I know it’s okay for it to take the time it needs, but I don’t want to “not engage” and let the time pass. The “time it needs” will be much longer if I keep running away from the issue.
Health, too

So, yep, that’s it for now.

My key takeaways (mostly for myself but also for you in case they’re relevant)?—

Foster multiple types of cats (and kittens) before adopting and committing for the long haul.
Balancing documentation with presence is important.
Voice your dreams! There’ll be more to celebrate if (/when) they come true.
Compartmentalisation is okay, avoidance is not.

Cheers, folks xx

066a – daily rambles, hello november

It’s a beautiful day to write.

Why do these words ring true? I hadn’t even stopped to consider that it really is a beautiful day today. I woke up a little late today and immediately got to some of the things I try to make sure to do every morning— the routinely stuff, basically— but I think I was operating from a brain lens, not a body lens. And yet, these six words, they brought me back to the present like nothing else had, until so far.

This is the power of words. This is what I want to access more often. I write a lot lately but I know there’s a reason it’s satisfactory only like 6/10 times. Because I’m not feeling it, often. So how do I write in a more embodied way?

I’ve been having the same experience with drums. My instructor is pretty good at this, he keeps asking me to come back to present, to not “think” so much, to “feel” it. And initially, I wasn’t really getting it. I was very defensive (unintentionally). I kept claiming that no, I don’t think I’m thinking too much, and what? Of course I’m feeling it. But then, when I actually felt it, I knew what he’d been trying to say all along. And it’s been lovely. I can’t yet keep the focus active for maybe more than a third of the class, but that third is the most satisfactory.

So I imagine that’s going to be the case for writing too. So, how do I write in a more embodied way? I want to spend more time with this question. I’m running a bit late for class right now so I gotta stop. But I’m going to come back to this.

—

Alright, back at this.

Had a nice action-oriented evening.. attended drums and vocals lessons, bought some food on the way back. Shortlisted some of the poems I want to submit for a thing, resumed lessons with the other kid I’ve been teaching for a bit.

I’m trying to understand how I feel around children. Sometimes I feel really nice, sometimes I feel a bit weird. I think it’s a me problem though. I don’t know, when I’m relaxed and not too worried about my goals and “adulting problems”, I enjoy interacting with kids. But when I have all these things on my mind, it’s generally a little annoying. But I think there’s a lot to learn from them. How to take up space, for example. How to be authentic. How to connect by giving attention. Kids aren’t skilled at having equal conversations, you don’t go in expecting it to be a 50/50 exchange. You give attention without expecting much in return but then you get it eventually. But you get it back in ways you wouldn’t have been able to foresee actually. But that’s the best part.

I have a theory that most kids (hence, humans) are at least somewhat sensitive but when they’re forced to grow up (or for various other reasons like societal pressures) they numb down or dull down their sensitivity— at least a little bit. [More research on this sometime].

Got some laundry done too, I’ve been putting it off for a while.

Stepping out of the house (even for an hour or so) can have such great returns. Should make it a point to do this most days.

060b – 60k words! + calling (pt1)

So you might think you’ve found your calling, what next?

This is the main question I’m asking myself this week.

Firstly, because my younger self left me with some decent advice, I’m going to outline some of the reasons and motivations around why I think art or creative work might be calling me. At least, right now. Some fears and worries and hesitations might show up too and I’m going to list those out as well, because they’ve been holding me back from embracing this over the last few months (and maybe even the last few years).

So, why do I gravitate towards creating things if I’m left in a vacuum?

Emotion management / release. This is primary. I think I have too many feelings almost always at the surface and if I’m not engaging with some form of expression regularly (ie daily, at least), then I’m dissatisfied, unhappy, and often overwhelmed. (OR otherwise I end up engaging unhealthier forms of “numbing” ie alcohol, nicotine, social media, etc). So, this is the healthiest and the most accessible form of emotion management that I have for myself.
Presence + Joy. These activities (writing, music, doodling, photography, dancing, etc etc) are the most “satisfactory” and “joyful” methods of being present, for me. Aside from maybe talking to people I really enjoy talking to, where our energies can resonate.
Collaboration. These are also the things I find joy in collaborating with people over. Especially music (I haven’t done a lot of collaboration wrt other forms yet)
Connection and impact. It’s incredibly fulfilling when people tell you they connect with whatever you put out there. It’s a different way of feeling seen AND making someone feel seen at the same time. People have sometimes told me that some of the art I’ve shared has been healing for them as well, and I care a lot about that kind of impact.

Yep, I think that pretty much captures it.

Now, I feel some of the hesitations and fears cropping up, so let me jot those down:

I’ve romanticised artists, and I just think I want to “be” an artist, and I might not be truly motivated by the doing in and of itself.
I know had the creative streak in me as a kid, but it started getting fleshed out more only post 12/13. If I truly liked art then why wasn’t I doing enough of it during peak childhood? (ie from ages 7/8-13)? Isn’t this the time most people (given peaceful childhoods) are experiencing what they truly like to engage with? I used to engage a lot more with science, so why’s it the case that I don’t like the sciences anymore?

I don’t think I can address these fears, really. All I can tell myself is that maybe people change, or maybe people have multiple sides in them. Maybe it’s futile to think your “true calling” is a single thing. Maybe right now this is what I’m curious about, and that’s fine. Maybe science (ie engineering) just got a little too tough for me, and maybe my creative side was just feeling starved. Maybe if I feed it enough I’ll have both these parts of me balanced and secure, and then I can see what’s louder. Or maybe I don’t have to pick. When it’s time to find jobs (ie a few months from now, for sustenance), maybe I can think about this then.

And I am moving through life now with more awareness than I did as a kid (I think). (Side question: What is the difference between presence and awareness?)

Feeling a little dissatisfied with this post though, I suppose maybe because I didn’t really address the “What Next” question. But I’ll continue this tomorrow or later this week. Feeling a little tired at the moment.

But, 60K words! Kind of cool 🙂