Emotions are really hard these days. After I woke up today, I lay in bed for almost twenty minutes doing nothing, paralysed. Just thinking. Ruminating. Eventually, crying. I hope I’m PMS-ing because I don’t know if I can take more mornings like these, at least not this week. I’ve been trying this “morning pages” thing which allows me to journal right after bed or right before going to bed, which has been nice, and yet, today it didn’t help at all. The idea is to clear your head as much as you can and then go about your day. Of course, these word-vomits tend to serve a similar purpose, when I can manage to do them.
I started house-hunting which made me realise I was biting off more than I could chew, so then I decided to pause one other project that I was planning to work on. I think collaboration is something that doesn’t come very easily to me, not without external / organisational structures or the base of knowing a person beforehand, and so that added some icky feelings around this particular project in me as well, which is the primary reason that it was the one I chose to cut.
This weekend was very draining, emotionally and mentally. I had a long, open conversation with some of my family about queerness and sexual, gender identity and although it was much needed and I really appreciate them taking the time to engage, it was definitely tough. I don’t know if I can do this very often. The conversation also took a bit of a turn and people also ended up sharing a bit about some of their stuff, their past, etc.
I wish people of all ages and backgrounds (who can afford to) would be intentional about healing. I wish people would realise how much trauma they hold and carry, I wish people would put in effort to look at it. I don’t like that a lot of people hide behind their age and their “generation”. When you tell about anything that’s a little new to them, they’ll say things like “oh this is just not how our generation thinks” etc etc. But like, we’re not talking about the whole generation. We’re talking about you. Or me. Ah, it just feels like an excuse.
A lot of people will tell me that “when you grow up is when you’ll realise how difficult new things are for you to accept as well”. And I don’t know, maybe I’ll find out they were right, but I hope with all my heart they aren’t. I hope my curiosity doesn’t die. There’s a lot of things that I still don’t agree with or vibe with (AI art, for example), but I don’t think that’s got anything at all to do with age or anything similar to that.
Being in India for the next 2-3 years feels like a pretty challenging quest. And definitely I don’t know if I can be here for the long haul.
untitled atm 