Tag: reflections

109b – hello, 2025

A lot of things feel futile lately. Well, primarily, doing this. I don’t know what’s happening exactly, but a part of me feels like thinking about things is a bit.. meh. 

What does feel not-futile, then? Spending time with people I love, for one. That feels worthwhile. 

As I write, though, I’m suddenly remembering why this used to feel important. It used to be (and probably still is) important because it allows me to process everything faster. And the faster I process things, the more time I have for the things that actually matter— like the people I love. 

I finally got around to making some calls and replying to texts that had been on my backlog for a while. It felt quite nice. I like it when friends show up for the hard conversations, even if they don’t always show up perfectly. 

A lot of things feel futile though, like planning for stuff. I have to move at the end of this quarter but we’re “testing” the place first by traveling there for a bit, so it feels futile to plan anything beyond that. It’s scary, I’m not going to lie. I don’t like planning anyway but my anxiety always wants me to plan ahead. What I’m learning is that you can plan and plan but there’s always going to be things that fall through the cracks. It’s always a tough battle to balance planning the big things and taking it easy on the smaller ones or the other way round. 

Anyway, my head hurts a bit these days even though I don’t think I’m doing too much screen time. I might need an eye check-up. 

My sister’s had a baby a month ago and I feel major FOMO for not being able to see him. I wrote a whole blog post about it which I haven’t gotten around to posting.. for various reasons. But that’s not what this is about. I really want to see him! But I detest those long inter-continental flights. So I’m stuck in this major indecision paralysis and I feel like that’s been weighing quite heavily on me. When I was a kid, my friends and I used to regularly wish for teleportation machines because we didn’t have as much agency to travel whenever we’d feel like it. Now.. it feels like we have the agency, but it’s still not very easy to exercise it. So here I am, wishing for the goddamn teleportation machine. 

I’ve been quite stagnant on work stuff, I feel like I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth for anything work-related lately. I’m tired, I really am. How the fuck does one prioritise the things that really need to get done? Job search is quite intimidating. I suppose I need to break it down into smaller tasks and goals. 

It’s very interesting that my previous post was a lot about the same stuff that I’m complaining about right now— I suppose it makes sense that I’m feeling so blocked. 

But January is over so I must set some intentions for February. Time keeps flying by, otherwise. 

Happy 2025, folks! 

107b – reflections (i am decently happy with my life)

I suppose I’m happy— even content— with life lately. There is something precious about solving life problems in your own way and at your own pace. I’ve been stuck with work stuff over the last couple months and although it was weighing pretty heavily on me, today feels different. Of course, in therapy yesterday, we discovered that I do need more structure and discipline to get on with the things that I want to get on with. 

That is, I have a sufficient amount of freedom, but perhaps enjoying it would require me to work towards sustaining it. I’ve been worried, but only today I what it’s been about— I like my life so much that I don’t want it to change too much. I don’t want to go back to a 9-5. I don’t want to go back to coding for a living, not yet. 

I’d prefer to continue to grow as a musician and a writer. Yes, that’s what I really want. And of course, I want that to continue, I’ll need to think about the financials of it all. But perhaps the way to do it is not— like I thought— to find part-time work right away, but to complete the things that I think I need to complete— before I can accept that I absolutely need to focus on the financials. 

I’ve been struggling with sleep too but the last two days have been better. I’m up before sunrise today, but somewhat rested, and that’s progress too. Sleep has been a major issue for the majority of my life, but this time the “problematic phase” came after a much longer stable phase. I suppose, that’s progress too. 

I turned 29 a few months ago and I don’t know if I got much time to reflect on it all. I feel the age, I do. There are aches in my body that persist for much longer than they probably should, without any real cause. But there is also a stability to my nervous system that I haven’t experienced for so long before. Of course, there are probably other factors involved in both of these things, but I think part of it is related to age. I don’t feel old though— I feel younger than I felt at, say, 26.  

Anyway, reflections are fun, though my inner critic says it’s probably another way for me to procrastinate on the things I must be doing instead. But to my inner critic, I’ll say: my days generally go better when I begin them with some kind of writing, so that’s what I’m trying to manifest. A decent day. 

As I think about ending this, worries start to pop up again. But I don’t want to get on that thought-train. I want to stay here. Here, in this reflective space. I suppose making a task list for the day would help. Yeah, so that’s what I’m going to go and work on, next. 

104b – dreams, neurodivergence and the need for rest

People keep talking about dreams all the time. Or so it seems. People tell me how proud of me they are and how inspiring it is that I’m following my dreams. I don’t even know what my dreams are, though. To live a creative life? Yes. To spend more time with my art, with myself, with people I love? Yes, of course. To not be doing too many things that I don’t want to do? Yes, indeed. 

Financial privilege and in general— privilege— aside, I don’t feel like I’m living a very good life. My relationship has been hard work, lately, and career stuff weighs heavily on me too. Do I want to be a writer, or a musician, or nothing at all? Am I really just afraid of hard work or am I not able to tune into my gut and figure out what I want? Or hell, even if I don’t know what I Want, am I able to at least know what I want next? 

Having freedom and privilege makes me feel like I’m supposed to do something with it. I don’t know if I want to. In certain moments, yes, I do want to do something that could be useful to someone (even if that someone’s just myself), but in other moments— I really just want to rest. 

I know I’m definitely some sort of neurodivergent, and vocalising that more loudly and more frequently has come with its own set of challenges. Now that I’m more in touch with how easily I get overstimulated and tired, there is a need to also accept that it makes sense to need the amount of rest and alone time that I tend to need. But society’s voice is stlll way too loud. 

It tells me that I’ve had my “year” of rest and now it’s time to get back into work and productivity. A month ago I tried writing a goodbye letter to this “year of rest” but it wasn’t enough. I don’t think I’m ready to get back to work. Not the trad 9-5 kind anyway. I’m talking to some people for part-time work but none of it comes with pay. Sure, I can afford that for now but at some point I won’t be able to. Well, I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Or like six months before we have to, I guess. 

I’ve been considering art school or music school more seriously since, well, all of yesterday. Talking to Y made me realise how suppressed this desire has been, in me. Yes, last year I did consider it seriously, but then I did some research which convinced me thoroughly to not go ahead with any of that at this point of time. Even now, I don’t think I want to go to school right away. I just want more motivation to work on the things that I do want to work on. I do want to reduce TV time and gaming time so I can feel more energised. I do want to eat better, exercise more, but I feel like these wants are still outcome oriented. Is that okay? I don’t know. I don’t know if I can just eat better SO that I feel more energised. That kind of thinking is not motivating enough for me. But I do want to find some way of getting over all this, because otherwise I’m just denying my body what it needs. 

Anyway, I think that’s it for now. Going to try out a couple things to summon some energy! Happy October, folks xx 

101b – august + restarting writing here

Starting these again. I haven’t been writing as much as I want to and I know for sure it’s because I stopped doing these. Substack just doesn’t suffice because I feel like I want to post only specific kinds of pieces over there. I do need a space to just word-vomit, really, can’t go around calling it anything else. 

Have been feeling a bit unfulfilled and dissatisfied with the work (or the lack thereof) in life lately. I’m not sure what direction to take.. I’ve shortlisted a few volunteering opportunities, maybe will apply for some this week. 

I know I don’t want to solve “tech problems”. I’ve always wanted to solve (or contribute to solving) real world problems. (Not to say that “tech problems” aren’t “real”, of course, but I hope it’s clear that I’m referring to more general problems).

Solving said problems “through tech” is what I used to think I was okay with, but at some point that road started to feel closed up as well. I drove back to a point where I kept a marker, knowing I can come back and venture down this road again if I wanted to, but hoping I wouldn’t have to. I’m on another path now, a path that may still intersect with the path I’ve left.. but for now I’m not exactly sure where to go. I hope volunteering and internships do make sense for now, because it’s probably like hitchhiking or relying on other people for direction. Of course, this world FEELS quite different and vast, but I have to think of myself as probably being a second or third year student in college, I’ve to rely a lot on other people, probably. It’s much easier to do all this when you’re a student, you have more of a beginners mindset, it’s easier to admit you’re scared, etc. But I think I need to continue to do this for now, once again. And I imagine you have to keep doing this repeatedly, for different aspects of life, so I suppose the skill is worth building too. 

I trust that I have some sort of life experience to help me, I’m not starting from scratch completely, in a way, but I really need to commit to action— regular, incremental action, otherwise I’m afraid all that experience will kind of evaporate into thin air as well. 

Also, it’s important for me to remember that when I do even a single fun, fulfilling activity in a day, it becomes easier for me to do a couple more. My “lazy brain” often makes me believe I can’t do much in a day. In the face of the fear of “pushing myself”, I sometimes end up doing nothing at all.

Of course, I need to be more intentional with routines, diet and exercise to attempt to do all these things that I need to, want to do. I have support too, and I want to find ways to use it. 

Yeah that’s it I suppose. Feeling better. Hope you’re all having a good August! xx 

101a – writing, love and comfort

I’m passionate about writing, I know this. But I haven’t been writing as much lately. I’ve been busy falling in love, there’s just no other way to say this. I don’t know if it’ll last, I really can’t know this, of course. But I feel really good about her, about us. I hope we make it, whatever that means. 

I do have strong imposter syndrome when it comes to creative activities, and I know the only way to even move towards addressing it would be to start looking for paid work. But I can’t do that for another three months, so how do I address it for now? By writing, or by “doing the thing” anyway, I suppose. 

Falling in love has been great but I know I haven’t been doing much work. I also know it’s okay to not be productive etc etc, but fact is I do live in this society, and I do feel like I don’t want to let life go by. It’s okay if I don’t do anything “great” as such, but I do want to feel the fulfilment and satisfaction that comes with doing some sort of work on a regular basis. (I’m not talking about paid work necessarily, just work.) Just something to show for the time I’m living that’s not purely related to “just” joy. 

So I will write today and I’ll make sure to publish this post. I also think not engaging with writing or music keeps me away from doing other things too. I feel less productive in all ways, if I’m not writing. So I’ll write this week and see if it makes a difference. A better difference. 

June is halfway complete. In 20 days we’ll be halfway through 2024. I’ll be 2 months away from turning 29. These are all different ways of saying the same thing— that I’m really happy and content, I think. 

In some ways I really want June to be over because it’s insanely hot here and I can’t wait for summers to be less intense. But I also don’t want June to be over because I’ll have to be away from home for three weeks this coming July and even though I’m really looking forward to the trip, I’m not looking forward at all to being away from my comfort person for so long. Classic mixed, bittersweet feelings. I guess that’s good information too, information that I can keep in mind the next time I plan long trips. 

I saw this movie called “The Hours” the other day and I really liked it. I liked how inspiring it was in terms of writing goals and writing stories, even though I often worry a bit about how artists and writers are “romanticised” in certain ways which can be almost harmful to the mouldable mind. 

Anyway, how do I feel? I feel okay. I’m glad I wrote a full post after fifteen days and I’m glad I’m going to hit publish. I’m glad I can say that I’m in love without cringing too much and I’m glad the summer decline is close. I’m looking forward to a lot of things (even with the cost) and I’d like to list them all for myself tomorrow. I feel like it’ll be a good exercise. I’m glad I finally have “tasks” I can look forward to as well. I was missing this feeling for a while. 

Happy June folks, cheers xx 

100b – this project is complete!

All said and done, things have been pretty decent. I think I am, after all, liking writing a bit more than music right now, even over the last few weeks, maybe a couple months. Maybe it’s just that it’s easier to do, less inertia, but whatever the reasons and the factors, I do end up engaging with this form of outlet/expression more than others. 

But the question still remains: what should I write about? 

I’ve always told myself I can just write about whatever’s in my head and slowly, steadily, I’ll find things to write about. Like I did, yesterday, wrote a bit about pride. But this “obvious topic formation” only happens once in a few weeks for me. I can write about my thoughts and feelings, which I do, but I imagine this gets boring for the readers. I don’t know. Probably need to keep the judgement out of it. 

100K words are done! Feeling super happy about that, no doubt. It only took me 4 years LOL. I kid, I think it’s fine that it took as long as it did. I hadn’t planned to “rush”, anyway. 

I’d like to reduce therapy sessions from once a week to once in a couple weeks, I think I’m ready for that. I did some intention setting for June and feeling okay about it. I do feel some sort of a void wrt work and fulfilment, but I don’t think I can address it right now, so not sure what to do about it really. 

I just realised that a lot of the stuff I’m talking about, I’ve already talked about in my previous word-vomit too. Oh, well. I guess it just means that it’s not “solved” yet. 

I’ve been away from reading for a bit though, maybe I get back to that this month. I imagine that’ll definitely give me some new material to think about and process (consciously and subconsciously). 

Overall, I feel content and peaceful, for the most part. I’m about to turn 29 in August but that doesn’t stress me out or worry me either (as it shouldn’t). There’s enough things to be grateful for, and I really am. 

Yeah, I think that’s it for now. I’m not really able to get into a reflective zone right now. Will end this post by listing out my intentions for June: 

  • More reading (new reading) 
  • More long-form essays 
  • 1 or 2 open-mics 
  • Travel planning finalise 
  • Health (reducing nicotine) (it’s been stable for the last month or so and I think it’s time to cut it out a bit more)
  • Exploring gender a bit more 

Onward! Hope you’re all having a decent summer! Cheers xx 

099b – envy and imposter syndrome

Haven’t written for over two weeks now. Well, that’s not completely true, I’ve been writing but not properly. Been busy with a bunch of things, including a lot of planning for the medium-term future. Yesterday, I wrote something I liked but I didn’t quite complete it so I’ll go back to it again during the week. But figured I can make time for a word-vomit today. 

I’ve been experiencing a lot of envy when it comes to where I stand when it comes to musical skills. I don’t know whether I want to be a “musician” or a “vocalist” or a “composer” seems to be a problem as soon as I try to address the envy. Because the only solution to envy I think can be really just do more of the thing that I’m experiencing envy around. If I’m doing enough of the things I want to be doing, then I wouldn’t really have time or bandwidth for envy, I know that. But as soon as I try to “do more of” said things, like I said, I get stuck on the question of what do I want to do more of? 

I’m still regular with drums and I like playing them, and I have next goals in mind too— play with friends, ie jam where I can play drums and other people can play other things. I think I’m a bit stuck on the vocals journey. Maybe I schedule a check-in lesson/session with one of my previous tutors and get some help/guidance from her. I think that should be good. Because the major thing missing is direction, when it comes to this. More performances, of course, too. 

I had this thought earlier this week that I don’t really complete things. I want to reassure myself that that’s not true. I’m about to compete this project (ie I’m about to complete 100K words) and that’s something to be proud of, for sure. I’m about to complete a year with drums lessons. I’ll complete production lessons by August. Sometimes imposter syndrome just hits really hard but I think the truth is that things like satisfaction, fulfilment and figuring out where your art and your creative goals fit in with your “life” are just hard problems. 

I do not want to indulge my envy too much. I’d like to move to action whenever I feel it come up. I do not want it to affect important relationships in my life. I’ve been on the receiving end of this feeling too and it can feel really vitriolic. I wouldn’t want to put anyone I care about on the receiving end of that. 

Have some travel coming up this weekend and I’m really looking forward to it, especially since it allows me to escape the Delhi heat for a few days. 

I feel much better now, glad I wrote tonight. Hope y’all are having a decent May and staying hydrated! Cheers xx 

099a – reflective

Haven’t written for over a week. It’s been a decent one, for the most parts. Delhi summers is quite exhausting, however. Not sure how I feel about the coming two months. Realised today that my house lease ends sooner than I thought so that’s something I need to process, and then I also need to take some time out to decide whether or not I want to look for work anytime soon. I don’t know if I can handle (or cope with) two big rocks on my head. 

Going to hang with friends tonight, looking forward to it, been a while. Have some friends visiting next week and also have a weekend trip planned towards the end of the month. Looking forward to both these things. 

Relationship stuff has been pretty smooth so far, quite happy and grateful about that, don’t want to take that lightly. 

My back has been aching for the whole week now— not sure I slept weird or whether it’s the age that’s starting to show up (haha). (Feel stupid to even laugh at this because part of me doesn’t want to make age-based jokes and part of me is genuinely worried whether age-based issues are going to start bothering me at this very (in many ways) young age. 

I think I’m going to take out some time over the weekend and set some intentions for May! Feeling kind of excited about it so I’d love to make use of the energy.

Stopped writing this last night because I didn’t have a lot of time, but back at it today morning. Had a great night, unexpectedly fulfilling actually. 

Woke up feeling a bit reflective today morning for some reason, and it made me realise that these days I feel like I have more memories already in my head (or my body or my heart, whatever) that I feel like I don’t have the space to go out and make new ones. I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day and she was sharing some memories of us from back when I was 2 or 3 (I had asked her if she remembers anything) and really, it was quite overwhelming (in a good way though). [Sidebar: I’m trying to find a word for this—ie overwhelming but in a good way but I can’t.] 

The general theme from yesterday seems to be documentation and preservation. Even with the folks I hung out with, we were actually exchanging a lot of stories from our pasts. 

This week I also complete a year to having moved from Amsterdam to Delhi. I hope I can find some time to reflect upon it all. 

Of course, documentation ties this post up nicely too. Happy to be doing this, happy to be making notes. Happy to preserve and document and reflect on here so I can continue to make more memories, ie live more and live as much as I can. 

Happy May, folks! xx 

098a – floating

These days I’ve only been floating. Among tasks and open threads and people and emotions. Among plans that just stay in chats, unpublished blogs, unmade reels, unhealthy habits I’m not committing to face and internalised insecurities that just don’t seem to go away. The pain of indecision can sometimes be worse than the pain of regret. Because regret I know how to cope with. Because regret— I’ve known and stood by for many years now— is something I don’t really feel. When you make “wrong decisions”, you know you can still get something, something out of it. But what do you get out of the murky waters of procrastination and delay? Almost absolutely nothing— except perhaps self-doubt and frustration and a multiplication of fears that already exist. 

Productive procrastination doesn’t help anymore either. There is more laundry to do every week, bills to pay every month, decluttering to do every so often— these are never-ending tasks. I know this, I’ve always known this, but still realising this again makes me despondent. 

I don’t need to look for a job anytime soon (ie financially), but I do need to move in directions that I’ve been wanting to. And while it’s true, I’m not stuck stuck, I do feel like there’s been a lot more friction to certain things lately. 

Writing this is nice, of course. It feels like getting into a boat and exploring all these murky waters, even if I come back to shore after just ten minutes. 

I’d like to see some people too. Other creatures on similar journeys, or perhaps even people all the way across who could shine some light on other shores, temporary or otherwise. 

Okay, maybe that’s it for this metaphor. I’m happy I uncovered a couple things: 

  • That I’d like some movement on the real projects, not just chores and homework tasks 
  • And that I’d like to see people 

But beyond that, I don’t think this metaphor is serving me anymore right now. I guess now that I’ve decided that I’d like to apply for some writing gigs, I think it’s time to break down this task and really, sincerely think about building a writing portfolio and a resume. I think for now it’s a week worth of work and I’d like to spend some heads-down time on it. 

I do miss a specific friend but I’m going to speak to him soon, so that should all be fine. I think I’m also tired, I don’t think I’ve had my 8-9 hours of sleep, maybe I try to catch some of it later, before dinner. I also haven’t met friends almost throughout the week and I suppose that is something I do need. Making plans is tedious but I suppose that’s the cost I pay for attempting to leave a “let’s see how it goes” kind of lifestyle. 

Ah, well, that’s it I think.

Happy weekend, folks xx 

097a – health, pleasure and connection

The neighbours’ cat sits on the staircase landing one level below mine. I’m trying to lure it to come and meet me by waving some food in front of her. She’s been here before, she came and chilled inside my house too, but I’m not sure why she’s wary today. I decide to work from the desk near my door for the next couple hours though, I can keep an eye out for her from this position. 

There are a couple things that I have to, absolutely have to get done today. Movement on chores and tasks has been slow but I really want to have a “productive” April. 

Yesterday, I smoked up with a friend after many, many weeks and had a pretty good evening, until of course it became a bit hedonistic. I often find myself in that state of mind whenever I get high— and I’m not sure if I like that. I do feel like I tend to make unhealthy decisions in the pursuit and attainment of pleasure (especially when it comes to health) and I do think I’d like to change that, slowly if not right away. Something I realised yesterday though is that there’s a chance this is what’s one of the nicest thing about love and connection. That you can access and share depths (of your self and another) without having to resort to unhealthy things (like alcohol and drugs). 

If I have systems and limits in place when it comes to unhealthy habits, I wouldn’t want to discard those systems even when I’m high. Or if I decide to get high, I would still need to know what my limits are with everything. The “rules” that I apply to myself have to be a little more universal. Maybe I do need to come up with specific, very specific rules for myself. Maybe that’s the only way at this point. 

Health is, after all, a top-5 value of mine so I do need to act like it too. 

I also feel a lot more of the need to be and feel seen when I’m high. Like I don’t necessarily want someone in my physical space but I do feel the need to share all my thoughts, everything that’s running through my head when I’m high. But this also made me realise that perhaps one of the antidotes to loneliness is the ability to separate these two somewhat related but not necessarily overlapping needs— ie the need for connection (the real, human, social need) and the need to be “more” seen. I think you can experience the latter even when all your social needs are met. So I think the latter comes from a bit of a pleasure-seeking place within us (for those of us who do experience this), because a lot of people are sufficiently satisfied and content when their social needs are met. But some of us (including me) do experience the second thing a lot more, I think we crave deep connection a lot more than others, and what deep connection means to us is this ability to share all of the “weird and crazy and unique” parts of ourselves that maybe we haven’t always been able to, in general settings and in mainstream settings. 

I don’t know, maybe this is a bit rambly. I think my point is, it helps to break down the “social need” into exact terms— is it the basic need like for food when you’re hungry, or is it you craving dessert even when you’re full? 

And post need-breakdown, I also think it’s important to remember and accept that not all parts of me need to be seen by and shared with someone else. I can witness some of them and that’s enough too. (And I don’t mean to come at this from a “cope” way at all, I genuinely think it can suffice). 

I think I’m happy with this one. Hope y’all are doing well! Cheers xx