reflections – Page 3 – untitled atm

076 – music journey // pt 2

Most recent previous explorations: Here

When you obsess over something, not getting it is a deeply painful experience. Sometimes I wish I could approach all my goals from a place of security ie the soul. I know that obsession makes for good (and potentially great) work but I don’t know. The things I’m doing lately are dependent on so many external factors that being obsessive about them isn’t helping that much.

There’s also many frustrations that have been coming in the way of writing, recording covers (or music) and just general focus.

—

I finally found a window of a couple hours and was able to record the stuff I’d been wanting to. I’m getting separation anxiety at the thought of being away from my digital keyboard (ie piano / idk what to call it) for the next 5 whole days and I’m going to really miss it. I’ve realised I really like the sound of keys and I don’t know why I hadn’t started learning it earlier. What was I doing? HMM.

I’ve been a little obsessed with self-growth and it’s been happening and it feels really great and maybe I don’t want to stop. I mean I want to keep up this pace. Maybe even want it to be a bit faster, actually.

I’ve also found some answers to the “sharing your ideas on social media” conflict. I used to get really disappointed earlier if the expected engagement with something didn’t match the actual engagement, but I’m getting at better at understanding my own reasons for “still sharing the thing anyway”. I’m realising that I do eventually need to shift to streaming platforms (or at least add them in the mix). At the end of the day, I really want to share the sounds and test whether people want to listen to them or not. I’ve been a little lazy and procrastinatey about this because recording is a bit of a hassle (or I worry about the quality a lot) but I guess at some point I really just have to suck it up and get to it.

I do need to streamline some of my processes though so I need to make some space for that as well. Actually, maybe that’s the major thing I need to work on this week, understanding my overheads and seeing if I can reduce any of them.

The overhead problem will have to be approached from a very “work”-based lens. I know I don’t enjoy that aspect of the creative process but maybe I need to do it anyway. I’ve to wrap up “today” in a couple of hours since I’m headed to my parents’ place for the rest of the week.

I also had this thought the other day that I still haven’t been able to decide whether I want to focus more on music stuff or writing stuff. Obviously, songwriting could be the best way to combine both these longings but I don’t think my original music (ie the melody stuff) is very good yet. (I do think my lyrics are decent.)

I’ve also been really appreciating poetry and song lyrics a lot more so I want to take some time out to do an assessment of my creative family tree (as Austin Kleon calls it). The idea is to study the people who inspire you. I may also not need to separate these out by interest area, since we’re just targeting people directly. (But yes I’d wanna think about writing, music, songwriting, all of it.)

I’m realising that I do self-regulate a bit with fantasy and that’s probably not very healthy. Need to tackle the addiction of thinking (chatter-thinking) at some point. Or like, on a day-to-day basis.

I think I want to reflect on music journey a little bit for the rest of this word-vomit. Because there’s too many threads open now in this area and maybe I need to evaluate a little more at this point so I can walk more deliberately.

Been singing and playing (off and on, ie as a very non-serious hobby, but something I did always enjoy a lot) for more than ten years now (14 years, actually). First 5-6 years was just singing and playing by myself. Very occasionally sharing some recordings (covers) with very close friends. Was probably growing at a very slow pace but again, that’s just an unnecessary judgement.
College was when I started singing and playing with people a little more. I was still extremely shy about it all and never really liked my voice that much so it was another four years of relatively slow growth. But I was listening to a lot of music, experiencing a lot of social, people-based experiences so it was all fuel for what is overall the creative process.
Grad school— Another 1.5 years of primarily singing and playing by myself. Grad school was a very tough life phase so I can’t really blame myself. But— started my social media account towards the end of grad school ie started sharing some of it with more people.
Next four years were great, found people to regularly sing and jam with. Started jamming and covering songs with a lot more people. Got much better at not thinking about “quality” ie got more confident. Started vocals lessons, was posting a lot more on social media as well. Started learning keys and drums too! Also started composing original stuff (albeit very rarely). Have been to a couple open-mics and now and also want to jam, collab and perform a little more.
I’m here, now.

How do I feel about all this? I feel pretty proud, actually. I like that I have a better relationship with my voice now. I also like that I have a better relationship with my feelings (which are generally major fodder for all this). I do want a better relationship with my self-image since that can come in the way of “publicly” singing/performing a bit. I’m also not very good at “marketing” and promotion stuff and maybe I need to get better at this. (This will involve first addressing why I don’t like the idea of self-marketing etc.)

Okay, I think this is good enough for now. The rest is literally just sitting and transferring all of this to an actionable list, which I will definitely do over the next couple days.

Onward!

075 – must I write // pt 2

Pt 1: Here

We’re on the way to being 75% done. I’m doing some reviews because this is the last quarter of this goal. I was looking at annual insights and I actually only wrote 5000 words in 2022. (Compared with 35K in 2021 and 25K in 2023). Wtf was I doing in 2022? I know Feb-May was pretty busy with the move but I’m surprised that I barely wrote throughout the year. I remember 2022 being okay too. I don’t know then. Maybe I was doing other things. Maybe I was living. Maybe I was growing? Is what I want to think, but I’m not a 100% sure. 5k words is like a seventh of 35K words. This is just incredibly surprising to me. Maybe at some point I just lost awareness of this goal I had in mind?

I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense. Anyway. It doesn’t matter. I am a bit sleepy so I must write fast tonight.

I am clear that I like to write, a lot. Quite a lot. I’ve gotten better at it too. I like writing in short spurts, in flowy afternoons, on anxious days, on depressing days, on great days too. I do prefer writing in a notebook than on a laptop but of course I can do longer-form writing on a laptop.

Authenticity is a value of mine. Which needs clarity. Which needs writing. So I must write.

I’ve been doing more poetry and songwriting lately too and all of it also flows easier. I don’t know if these type of posts directly contribute to any of it but I imagine they must. How could they not? At worst, they’re reducing the gap between your brain (you) and the words coming out of you. And I’ve noticed this happening when I’m doing songwriting, I’m able to come up with truer-sounding lyrics without thinking much about it. So I suppose, that’s pretty great.

But an evaluation on why you must write is also an evaluation on what you want from life, at least in the medium-term, if not the long-term. Since I perceive inner and outer life through writing, these are the questions, problems, opportunities I want to explore in the next medium-term phase.

My relationship with gender, sex, femininity and masculinity
My relationship with courage— how do you find more of it, how do you build capacity, how do you balance it with not pushing yourself too much
The balance with myself, my creative pursuits, my “search” for love and maintenance of existing relationships
The balance with music, writing and limited time
The balance with creating things and sharing things (most recent explorations here)
Do I want kids? If so, do I want to bear children or do I want to raise children?
Do I dare to dream? Dreaming has become a little scary lately, do I want to be a realist instead? Or where do I want to be on this spectrum?
I feel a sense of responsibility towards my parents and (sometimes) the society. How much can I take? What are my values here?
There are certain things I don’t even imagine I can do based on the version I have of myself. What are these things? Knowing them wouldn’t hurt. Whether or not I choose to pursue any of these (based on #2 and #7) will be a question for the future me, but it might be worth exploring what kinds of wants and desires I have. (Soul-based, not ego-based).
I’ve been enjoying reading a lot more again (over the last 6 months). I want to continue to read more. What kind of books should I look for. I want Ocean Vuong and Sally Rooney type of words since they always really inspire me to write more. So I think this is worth looking into.

Maybe that’s it for now. I think writing is the easiest way for me to get in touch with myself. I used to be critical of why I go through these qualitative analyses and evaluations when I should be jumping to lists and action items immediately. But now I’m realising these explorations, rambles, etc are the equivalent of what two or more people would do in an ideation and brainstorming session. What are the things we want to be working towards, what is the general vision, etc. Filtering all this down into action items is a separate task. Writing is the first step. Writing is what brings things from inside into the conscious awareness, at least.

I know I may be repeating myself a lot in this post but I think I need to write the truth over and over again to make sure I can (eventually) internalise it. I may or may not have said this before, I cannot remember.

If I wanted to, I can write everyday for the rest of December and wrap this project up. I used to always maintain that this is a “quantity first, quality later” project and do I want to change tact at this point? Why should I worry about the quality now? If I wrap this up I can also start thinking about the other projects in my awareness. I don’t know, let’s see. I’m not sure yet. I was in survival mode the past week so I don’t want to push myself too much either.

This wasn’t fast and it took me slightly over an hour. But we’re done and that’s a lot of progress too! Happy Monday, folks. 🙂

069b – morning pages + the need to zoom out + finding balance

Want to write a quick word-vomit before I start my day for real. I’m waiting for some groceries to be delivered after which I can make my morning coffee, then I call my sister to wish her happy birthday.

I have enough tasks to be working on today and I have to go out in the afternoon for a chore which I’m almost excited about it. Planning to soak in some sun (however little/much we get lately) and maybe get a coffee from Third Wave on the way back. I’ve also asked friends if they want to get dinner later tonight so we’ll see whether or not that happens.

I also have some house chores to do within today and tomorrow and I’m going to make sure I do get them done.

A thought I’m struggling with is that I’ve been happy to take things (goals, productivity) at my pace (which can be considered a little slow) and although I’m very happy with the pace in the present, part of me wonders if future me might regret not getting “enough” done during this time, because I was “too easy” on myself? I know it’s unlikely that I will feel this way, because I know from experience that the decisions you take for present “real” happiness are never ones you can regret. And if at all we do feel regret, it’s coming from the lack of something else. For example, on certain days lately I almost regret not doing more of music and art even alongside my job, ie over the last 5-6 years. But then, that’s coming from a place of “oh I could have been better at it by now” or “oh I could have a greater chance at “success” by now, if I had”. But it’s important to remember that I do navigate the “present” with decent awareness, and I was doing the best I could with the knowledge that I had.

This is all fair for the past, but the question still remains. I plan to discuss a zoomed out version of my plan and intentions and this conflict a bit more in therapy, and I need to write-up a summary of all of it to share with therapist so that she can review it before our session. I plan to write that today, I imagine it’ll also give me some reassurance.

Struggling with developing songs lately though, and since that is my primary goal at the moment I need to find some more inputs on it all. I think I need to watch more tutorials, lessons and practice scales. Yes, I suppose I can focus on that today and tomorrow.

I think finding balance on everything is the hardest part of our lives. It can literally be the “one” guideline to follow if you have no other guidelines to follow. (One of my friends had actually said this many years ago too, and I think she’s right). But it’s so fucking tricky. How do you balance self-compassion, laziness and “desire” and courage? How do you balance self-love and the search for love? How do you balance freedom with your responsibilities? It’s all quite tough. Maybe I need to make a list of everything I feel like I’m balancing so that I can review this better. I feel some tension stir up inside me as I write this which means I need to explore this more.

I feel a time-crunch upon me right now and part of me doesn’t want to stop writing but it’s also good practice for when sometimes I do need to “ignore” my feelings for a bit when the world and/or duty (or coffee) calls. So I’m going to do just that. Write later!

067b – the inherent insecurity of an artist

Something that I always keep coming back to is labels. I know that it’s important to me that I accept certain labels (from myself, for myself).

What are these labels, you ask?

Well, to name a few: artist, photographer, writer, poet, musician, singer, vocalist

I want to be able to use them for myself without scoffing.

I know exactly when I started rejecting these labels (I actually picked it up from someone else who was rejecting labels because they didn’t feel deserving of them, and because I thought that this person was actually much better at the craft than I was at the time, I internalised “well if they’re not even calling themselves a photographer, how can I?). And I applied the same reasoning to all others labels as well.

HOWEVER, there is only so much time and brainpower. It gets tedious to go through this dialog which almost always goes the same way.

Oh but how can I call myself an artist?
> Oh but you are an artist.
But I’ve never made any money out of my art or I don’t even know if any of my art is good!
> Yeah but that doesn’t matter.

So, obviously, there is a push and a pull here. There are two parts that are fighting with each other.

Maybe rejecting these labels served me a purpose AT SOME POINT OF TIME. Maybe I didn’t want to come across as overconfident, or cocky, or lacking self-awareness, etc etc. I was afraid of judgement, basically. But is it serving me at all anymore?

If I write -> I am a writer.

If I click pictures -> I am a photographer.

If I paint (sometimes) -> I am an artist.

If I write poetry (sometimes) -> I am a poet.

If I play or make music -> I am a musician.

This SHOULD feel true. This SHOULD feel enough. But why is it that it still doesn’t? I think it’ll take some practice.

Let’s look at some definitions:

noun: artist: a person who creates paintings or drawings as a profession or hobby.

noun: musician: a person who plays a musical instrument, especially as a profession, or is musically talented.

noun: writer: a person who has written something or who writes in a particular way.

You get the gist. I think it’s always the “especially as a profession” that I would hang on to as the main reason for rejecting all these labels.

Yesterday at a poetry slam somebody talked about the inherent insecurity of an artist. Obviously I really related to that and we talked about it at length, but couldn’t really come to a conclusion. I think over the last few years, enough people have given me the gift of putting these labels on me and while it always feels magical to hear someone call you a poet or a musician or an artist etc etc, I know that what I really really NEED is for me to give myself the same gift, again and again.

So okay, there is a clearly an inner-critic who is not ready to give this to me. Maybe I can think about the benefits of these labels, instead, then?

To be honest, the only benefits I can think of for now are just more efficient and optimal conversation, I do think second-guessing everything you say can get tiring for someone listening to you. And then that (ie more confidence, surity) allows for quicker connections with potential collaborators as well.

Maybe you’re thinking, how the fuck does this all matter? Call yourself whatever you want, just do the damn thing. But I’ve found that loopy dialogues like these are exactly what prevent me from doing the damn thing. If I’m thinking about this insecurity, then there’s a reason for it. I feel strongly about it, and I do feel a need to resolve it.

Maybe that’s enough. Maybe I don’t need 100 benefits to a thing to adopt it. It feels true, it feels resonant. I know I revel in labels like woman, queer, demisexual, ambivert, etc etc. So why is it that I feel so undeserving of these other labels?

I still don’t know. Ah, I don’t know if I got anywhere with this.

But I’ll end this with one more point to my inner critic: maybe it’s just realising that calling yourself a musician doesn’t mean that you’re implying that you’re a good musician. That is something you cannot decide. You’re passionate about these crafts and you’re also cognisant about the subjectivity of art, that is all there is, actually.

065b – building virtues

I often talk in detail about my vices on here. But the other path to self-improvement is (of course) also building virtues. And that’s understandable, some of my vices were bigger (or more important for me to look at) than these “lacking” virtues. I also felt like reducing certain vices might automatically help me be better at certain things.

And maybe, to an extent, that’s true.

But I really want to list down some of the qualities I really want to keep in my conscious realm so that I can regularly work on them in small or big ways.

Patience (and Curiosity)

This is the more urgent, most important one for me. I think I have improved on this a lot already, but there’s so much more work to be done here.

I find myself getting really antsy whenever I feel misunderstood, or understood but “not fast enough”. I even want to be calmer during discussions that are important for me. I want to use more “I” statements as much as I can. I want to approach conversations from a place of curiosity and understanding, and not just attempt to disagree and talk about what “I” think.

I think some of the other things that I’m doing will also help with this a lot (and will feed into them as well). For example, getting better at instruments, getting better at my “worldly” desires not being met (right away, or at all).

(Heated) group discussions or arguments with people I care about is where this bothers me the most because I just end up feeling bad about both the aspects— 1. That I lost my cool and 2. That I might have hurt or made someone else feel bad.

I know it’s okay to “feel” strongly about certain things, but overall I really want to get better at hanging around in the space between the feeling and the response. That’s where all the magic lies, I think.

Discipline

I’m actually not very sure about this yet. I am certain this is important and can play a big role on my overall productivity, satisfaction and general health (physical and mental).

When I say discipline I primarily mean sleep. Everything else I’m still okay around.

But there is also this very real thing that I really am naturally more productive post noon. Earlier, I used to think this is a circadian rhythm thing but here in India there’s also very real practical factors around it all. There’s definitely a lot more distractions during the day-time (especially noise and domestic workers coming in and out sometimes). I get a good amount of work done from 10pm-2am.

The only way productivity would remain the same if I were to shift my sleep schedule is if I were able to wake up by 8 am latest. This would mean sleeping by midnight latest. Don’t think that’s something I can do at the moment. But I suppose I can still set a limit of 3 am on the “when should I sleep by?” question. This involves getting enough of writing, music and reading done in the day for me to feel satisfied.

Time-Management

Since I’m not yet ready to cut out some of the things I’m wanting to fit into my day, the only other option I have is to get better at “managing” my time. I know that I need at least one (ideally two) focus blocks of 2-3 hours in a day. This means no people, no texts, no social media, etc. I get one block from around 2-5pm on most days and I get another from 10-2am. These two blocks, ideally, can be enough.

Okay, just updated my calendar. I think I need to get stricter with keeping this updated.

Organisation

This I suppose is the sister virtue to time-management. Here’s what’s been working so far:

I’m satisfied with my “noting down” ideas pipeline.

When it’s thoughts I just drop them in my Notes app (mostly on my phone) OR sometimes if I’m not using my phone I’ll use my journal. And I regularly scan my journal for any leftover ideas and transfer them to my Notes app.

When it’s music stuff or if I don’t feel like writing I simply use voice memos. This works fine too.

Also sufficiently satisfied with tracking my expenses.

Only other thing that eats up some time and bandwidth is planning for social outings. I do of course like to spend a good amount of time with friends and family and planning for that sometimes gets to me. But I don’t think I can change this TOO much right now, so maybe it’s fine. Maybe working on time-management might just suffice.

063 – on “introspective writing”

As I’ve stated many, many (MANY) times on this blog already, lately I’ve been getting more in touch with the joy I get from writing. But because I have a brain that is anxious and hyper-sensitive, I’m often troubled with the problems that still remain.

(branch // re: on focusing on existing problems) [Because I realised this was a bit of an internal judgement] {

I don’t think that will ever change, to be very honest, since we never reach perfection, and it’s almost part of my nature to be very aware of what’s missing.

However, what has changed, and what I am working on changing more is how I feel about whatever is missing. As long as I don’t feel upset about the missing stuff, it’s actually very good for me, because that’s what gives me direction, that’s what tells me how to grow. Or even if I do feel upset but can recover quickly from the feelings of it, being aware of what’s lacking is GOOD.

Yes, this reframe is important because for years I’ve heard from the external world that “being TOO focused” on what’s not good makes you a “negative” person. But it’s not that I’m not grateful and happy about what’s good, maybe voicing it out was never as important as voicing out the things that were lacking. At least in these aspects. If people wanted more appreciation and gratitude about THEM from me, they could have always stated their needs. But if it’s just a “general preference” thing, then I think it’s okay if that is an incompatibility. To each their own. I don’t need to internalise this. (As a child, teenager, etc, maybe even an insecure adult— I must have— but I’m going to work on internalising this reframe instead.)

}

So anyway, one of the “problems” I’m currently thinking about is how I only gravitate towards introspective writing. The book I’m currently reading ie The Highly Sensitive Person mentions that it’s pretty typical of HSPs to gravitate towards a LOT of introspection.

(branch // re: HSP ) {

Bear with me as this might show up a lot in my expression for potentially a few days, weeks. I’m only starting to learn more about this right now and because it seems to explain a lot of things about myself that I’ve often questioned (sometimes subconsciously)— I might talk about it a lot.

Of course, all psychological research AND labels should be consumed with a grain of salt, and I’m going to be mindful of that (I read some reviews earlier which made a little skeptical) but maybe the whole point IS that if I’m getting affirmed by what I’m reading, then there’s nothing wrong with that as well. If I fall exactly in the target audience of the book, maybe that’s okay.

So, yeah, I might be VERY HSP and maybe I’ve been needing a lot more affirmation and validation than I might have realised so far.

}

So, alright, heavy introspection is a part of my nature and that’s likely not changing. And I have one great example of someone who does a LOT of introspective writing and has managed to make that useful for people as well.

So why is this a problem, really? Why do I think this is a problem?

Because CURRENTLY I don’t have an audience, I suppose. Or currently, I don’t know how to make my writing useful for people.

But is this really a problem right now?

Well, yes, because over the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about exploring writing professionally as well. (Even through internships and such).

Phew, it actually feels very stupid why it took me so long to get here.

(branch // storytime) {

I was talking to a friend a few days ago and when I mentioned that I do think I enjoy writing a lot and I might want to explore that professionally as well but that I’m worried about who I could write for or whether people would find value in it, in an effort to comfort me, she said something like “well you don’t actually need to worry about this right now you can just focus on sharing whatever you’re writing right now”.

So.. her statement was very well-meaning, however I’m realising that the reassurance did not help me. This is something I’m trying to remember about myself: Other people’s reassurances will not help me in the long-run. There’s a specific way of deliberation and reassurance that works for me, and I need to go over it all, my mind does like to have gone over the ten different questions of a thing for it to be okay with proceeding. Also, I don’t think that’s procrastination. For me, that’s just the best way of minimising regret over anything. Deep deliberation.

}

So, anyway, it’s okay that I want to carve some time out thinking about who the audience might be. Even if I decide not to explore writing professionally right away (OR ever), even when you’re doing creative work as a hobby, I don’t think it’s wasted effort to think about who might see, benefit from or resonate your work.

I guess, all this to say:

I do like a lot of introspection and naturally, introspective writing is what I do the most. But this is okay.
I’m often focused on “what’s missing” or “still not great”, and that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for what’s good, but a focus on “what can be better” is okay too, since it gives me direction and aids growth.
I probably need to be careful with taking reassurance from other people since it can often set me back.
I don’t have clarity around whether my writing does or can have an audience. Although I have many examples of great writers who do do a lot of introspective writing, it’s still worth doing more research on this. Until then, it’s okay to not have this clarity since my primary goal with writing is still that it helps me (it’s almost a need, really) and that I find immense joy in it.

(Wrote a 1000-word post after v long! V happy)

060b – 60k words! + calling (pt1)

So you might think you’ve found your calling, what next?

This is the main question I’m asking myself this week.

Firstly, because my younger self left me with some decent advice, I’m going to outline some of the reasons and motivations around why I think art or creative work might be calling me. At least, right now. Some fears and worries and hesitations might show up too and I’m going to list those out as well, because they’ve been holding me back from embracing this over the last few months (and maybe even the last few years).

So, why do I gravitate towards creating things if I’m left in a vacuum?

Emotion management / release. This is primary. I think I have too many feelings almost always at the surface and if I’m not engaging with some form of expression regularly (ie daily, at least), then I’m dissatisfied, unhappy, and often overwhelmed. (OR otherwise I end up engaging unhealthier forms of “numbing” ie alcohol, nicotine, social media, etc). So, this is the healthiest and the most accessible form of emotion management that I have for myself.
Presence + Joy. These activities (writing, music, doodling, photography, dancing, etc etc) are the most “satisfactory” and “joyful” methods of being present, for me. Aside from maybe talking to people I really enjoy talking to, where our energies can resonate.
Collaboration. These are also the things I find joy in collaborating with people over. Especially music (I haven’t done a lot of collaboration wrt other forms yet)
Connection and impact. It’s incredibly fulfilling when people tell you they connect with whatever you put out there. It’s a different way of feeling seen AND making someone feel seen at the same time. People have sometimes told me that some of the art I’ve shared has been healing for them as well, and I care a lot about that kind of impact.

Yep, I think that pretty much captures it.

Now, I feel some of the hesitations and fears cropping up, so let me jot those down:

I’ve romanticised artists, and I just think I want to “be” an artist, and I might not be truly motivated by the doing in and of itself.
I know had the creative streak in me as a kid, but it started getting fleshed out more only post 12/13. If I truly liked art then why wasn’t I doing enough of it during peak childhood? (ie from ages 7/8-13)? Isn’t this the time most people (given peaceful childhoods) are experiencing what they truly like to engage with? I used to engage a lot more with science, so why’s it the case that I don’t like the sciences anymore?

I don’t think I can address these fears, really. All I can tell myself is that maybe people change, or maybe people have multiple sides in them. Maybe it’s futile to think your “true calling” is a single thing. Maybe right now this is what I’m curious about, and that’s fine. Maybe science (ie engineering) just got a little too tough for me, and maybe my creative side was just feeling starved. Maybe if I feed it enough I’ll have both these parts of me balanced and secure, and then I can see what’s louder. Or maybe I don’t have to pick. When it’s time to find jobs (ie a few months from now, for sustenance), maybe I can think about this then.

And I am moving through life now with more awareness than I did as a kid (I think). (Side question: What is the difference between presence and awareness?)

Feeling a little dissatisfied with this post though, I suppose maybe because I didn’t really address the “What Next” question. But I’ll continue this tomorrow or later this week. Feeling a little tired at the moment.

But, 60K words! Kind of cool 🙂

060a – making things vs sharing things

It’s all quite painful. But sometimes I genuinely think I’m meant to feel so much (especially the negative emotions) so that it can fuel my creative work. Which is also something that I think I’m meant to do.

A lot of the creative results/outcomes I’m truly proud of have really come out from moments of deep suffering. I don’t think I can yet come up with melodies without feeling deep pain or deep negative emotions. I hope this changes though. I really want to work on making more original music (I don’t know why, yet) and I wish I can do that even without so much pain.

Brain-chatter around “motivations for making art” have been at all a time high.

Lately I feel really called to music and writing.

Most of the time, I’m happy to “just be creating”. I’m happy to just be making things. Whether it’s a blog-post or a song cover or even doodles, surprisingly enough. However, I’m spending 20-30% of my active brain-power on the question around sharing the stuff that I make.

The sharing aspect is not something I enjoy very much.

With writing however, it’s low overhead, this blog is pretty easy to manage, and the more artsy write-ups sometimes even end up on Instagram, and overall it’s easy.

With music though, the overheads are pretty high. Recording stuff just takes so long, and for some reason I don’t enjoy it very much. Add to that the engagement on my music account has been pretty low lately, so that then adds certain amount of negative feelings and you have to regularly keep recovering from it to continue to keep posting.

Sometimes I think it’s okay if I don’t share the things I make right away as well. For instance, I wrote a bunch of poetry around three years ago which I shared with friends at the time, but I only started sharing it at open-mics and on socials a few months ago. And it felt.. okay. Almost right. Like it was finally time for it to be shared. And it’s also saying something that if you look at something you wrote three years ago and still felt like sharing it, that’s good signal for yourself too.

I also think maybe I have certain icky feelings around the sharing aspect because parts of it overlap with the “how can I monetise my art” aspect and I’m just not ready to address that question yet.

This helps for now. It’s almost 6 am, so I must attempt to sleep.

059a – values exploration (pt 1)

A while ago I discovered a values-exercise by the New Happy (which is a venture (??) I really admire) and I’ve been meaning to get to this for a few weeks now. Did a first iteration of the exercise but I’m not feeling fully settled with what I have. Want to explore this dissatisfaction through writing.

Here’s my top 10 values:

Faith
Courage
Learning
Authenticity
Choice
Compassion
Gratitude
Kindness / Love (I’ve clubbed these because I think that’s okay)
Health

I was super confused about what should take the last spot but these were the ones I found appealing: Peace/Art/Balance/Nature/Enjoyment

One that I’ve rejected (this didn’t even make it in my top-20) was Stability. But every time I have an anxious night or an anxious day I wonder if I should make it a value. So, okay, this is the first time I’ve had more of a medium-long-term “unstable” period in my life anyway. Which means that I don’t know whether Stability is a value I need (want) in my life or not. So, I suppose I can give myself more time ie 6-8 months to hopefully have an answer there.

Currently, when I distilled my top-10 to top-5, I came up with this:

Authenticity (This is the only one I’m a 100% confident about)
Gratitude
Kindness / Love
Health
Learning

This actually feels okay. Accepting that I don’t know enough about myself yet is also fine. Putting it in words, ie what it is exactly that I don’t know helps a lot too.

There’s of course the research to keep in mind too, the resource mentions that research tells us that the values that are most likely to make us happy fall in the following categories: achievement, stimulation, self-direction and benevolence. Which means that if I want to trust the research only, I might not actually need “Stability” as a core value if “happiness” is what I want to maximise in life.

What feels unsatisfactory so far is if these values are enough for me to have a life/lifestyle that’s exciting enough for me. The short answer is they can be. I can still pursue enjoyment, fun, excitement and all the jazz but just not at the cost of these things. Right? I think so. Let’s see. Feeling some blockers here. Like I’m listening to some “shoulds” as opposed to just what is.

I think I’m also conflicted between wanting a “happy” life and an “easy” life. Because of my generalised anxiety and my experience with the lows in the past, maybe I’ve convinced myself I want an easy life. But the truth is (I think), I don’t think an easy life can necessarily be the happiest life. It might cause some dissatisfaction down the line. So, yeah this might be worth thinking about more. Where do I want to operate on the easy-difficult spectrum to maximise my position the happiness-sadness spectrum? (Ah, good one.)

Okay, enough to think about. Will continue this exploration another time!

058b – movement

It’s been a rough couple weeks. I wrote in the last post that there are a lot of parts of my life that I feel aren’t working, and that changes need to be made. I think, even though the things that I’ve had to “change” or the process of the change has been quite painful, I think it’s all for the best.

I’ve decided to quit nicotine and it’s already been two weeks, and I think it can stick. I’m reading Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking to help me with this and I think a lot of the things in it make sense. The whole idea is to cut the desire at the root. We always try to escape the craving but the whole point is to really examine the craving and be okay with sitting with it. I’d been trying to do some of that by myself too but I think having external guiding material is much more effective. The other thing that helps it the regular reinforcement of how the craving is genuinely a bit of a false craving. We think nicotine is pleasurable but apparently it only feels pleasurable because it kills the withdrawal caused by the previous round of it in our body (or mind).

Parallely, the task of moving on from a romantic interest has also been thrust upon me. (I underplay this, she was more than a romantic interest, I think.) But.. I think it’s fitting that I’m quitting two things at once. It’s kind of similar, isn’t it? I mean, even though I know that one comes from a more genuine place (ie, heart, soul, etc), I think that aspect of like/love isn’t that hard to deal with. It’s the addictive part that’s harder to deal with.

So overall, with both the things it’s about cutting the desire(s) at the root. I think I’ve been coping pretty healthily. Talking to friends, journaling, using music as an outlet, all good things. Only food is suffering a bit so I need to make the healthier choices when it comes to that, and I will, from tomorrow. (Yes, yes, I know “from tomorrow” is the classic avoidant phrase, but I really will).

A close friend is moving to Delhi and I’m really excited to have him around. I’ve been feeling a lack of social support/circle overall and it’ll be nice to have a bit of an addition to my existing people.

Finally got a couple really big house-tasks done and that’s been a major stress-reliever. There’s a lot more to do (I guess there always is), but I’m trying to lean towards action as much as possible. I think it has to be done regularly, ie the choice to pick action over thinking, it has to made regularly, in majority of the moments. (For me, at least, since I err on the side of overthinking).

(Side realisation: I used to dislike the word “overthinking”, because I thought it implies judgement, and maybe it does, but I’m getting less defensive about it. And I’m accepting that yes, there is a difference between thinking and overthinking, the same way there’s a difference between processing and rumination. There’s definitely limits needed to “thoughts”. For many of us, I’m sure).

Anyway, good stuff. I feel myself growing. (This is hilarious but I genuinely feel it AH)

Alright, let’s go October xx