Tag: regrets

069b – morning pages + the need to zoom out + finding balance

Want to write a quick word-vomit before I start my day for real. I’m waiting for some groceries to be delivered after which I can make my morning coffee, then I call my sister to wish her happy birthday. 

I have enough tasks to be working on today and I have to go out in the afternoon for a chore which I’m almost excited about it. Planning to soak in some sun (however little/much we get lately) and maybe get a coffee from Third Wave on the way back. I’ve also asked friends if they want to get dinner later tonight so we’ll see whether or not that happens. 

I also have some house chores to do within today and tomorrow and I’m going to make sure I do get them done. 

A thought I’m struggling with is that I’ve been happy to take things (goals, productivity) at my pace (which can be considered a little slow) and although I’m very happy with the pace in the present, part of me wonders if future me might regret not getting “enough” done during this time, because I was “too easy” on myself? I know it’s unlikely that I will feel this way, because I know from experience that the decisions you take for present “real” happiness are never ones you can regret. And if at all we do feel regret, it’s coming from the lack of something else. For example, on certain days lately I almost regret not doing more of music and art even alongside my job, ie over the last 5-6 years. But then, that’s coming from a place of “oh I could have been better at it by now” or “oh I could have a greater chance at “success” by now, if I had”. But it’s important to remember that I do navigate the “present” with decent awareness, and I was doing the best I could with the knowledge that I had. 

This is all fair for the past, but the question still remains. I plan to discuss a zoomed out version of my plan and intentions and this conflict a bit more in therapy, and I need to write-up a summary of all of it to share with therapist so that she can review it before our session. I plan to write that today, I imagine it’ll also give me some reassurance. 

Struggling with developing songs lately though, and since that is my primary goal at the moment I need to find some more inputs on it all. I think I need to watch more tutorials, lessons and practice scales. Yes, I suppose I can focus on that today and tomorrow. 

I think finding balance on everything is the hardest part of our lives. It can literally be the “one” guideline to follow if you have no other guidelines to follow. (One of my friends had actually said this many years ago too, and I think she’s right). But it’s so fucking tricky. How do you balance self-compassion, laziness and “desire” and courage? How do you balance self-love and the search for love? How do you balance freedom with your responsibilities? It’s all quite tough. Maybe I need to make a list of everything I feel like I’m balancing so that I can review this better. I feel some tension stir up inside me as I write this which means I need to explore this more.

I feel a time-crunch upon me right now and part of me doesn’t want to stop writing but it’s also good practice for when sometimes I do need to “ignore” my feelings for a bit when the world and/or duty (or coffee) calls. So I’m going to do just that. Write later!

039b – the passing nature of feelings + writing is a weapon

But eventually, most feelings pass. Even the most intense ones. It’s hard to believe that one day you could be grieving the one that got away, fully believing that no, you’re really never going to love again, and two days later the only thing you want with all your heart is to be present at your friend’s wedding which the whole world seems to have somehow made it for. And then that makes you ask a question to yourself… Is the FOMO (here, I’m referring to the feeling of missing out, not the “fear” of it) real? Ie would the feeling have been diluted a bit if fewer “other” people had made it to the big thing? Ie yes, you’re really sad to not be around for your friend’s big day, but is it a lil tougher simply because so many other people are? Ie feeling alone in your fomo can definitely make it worse. 

Now that we’ve isolated and untangled our feelings a bit after writing about them in 2nd person because hey, let’s face it that’s much easier.. I think I’m okay. I think I’m okay with the reality of having made some bad decisions. I’m okay with telling myself I’ll do better next time. 

Man, writing is so miraculous. When I write, new questions open up magically. Questions I wasn’t able to see when the thoughts were just thoughts in my head. What is it about putting thoughts out on a paper (or screen yeah yeah) that makes them feel so structurally accessible? I was going over some of my notes from 2020 and I’m feeling quite impressed by 2020-self in the way I write about my feelings and just open them up for analysis.

For example: This is a note I have around one of the feelings that comes up post break-ups. (ie not being able to express your lingering love for a person)

The main thing I’m impressed by is how quickly I am able to jump to a different thought (ideally a question, or a less negative thought) when I write. I think if this were just in my head I’d ponder over related thoughts (ie “I really miss him” -> “I really just wanna tell him ILY” -> “Maybe I should text him” etc etc) before I’d find the ability to question this train of thoughts. 

My conclusion from today’s adventures?: Faith in journaling and writing has been re-restored. Some of the stuff I went through today feels very breakthrough-like. Quite a fulfilling day in terms of self-growth. I was also quite sick for a whole week so quite glad to finally be feeling better.