relationships – untitled atm

109b – hello, 2025

A lot of things feel futile lately. Well, primarily, doing this. I don’t know what’s happening exactly, but a part of me feels like thinking about things is a bit.. meh.

What does feel not-futile, then? Spending time with people I love, for one. That feels worthwhile.

As I write, though, I’m suddenly remembering why this used to feel important. It used to be (and probably still is) important because it allows me to process everything faster. And the faster I process things, the more time I have for the things that actually matter— like the people I love.

I finally got around to making some calls and replying to texts that had been on my backlog for a while. It felt quite nice. I like it when friends show up for the hard conversations, even if they don’t always show up perfectly.

A lot of things feel futile though, like planning for stuff. I have to move at the end of this quarter but we’re “testing” the place first by traveling there for a bit, so it feels futile to plan anything beyond that. It’s scary, I’m not going to lie. I don’t like planning anyway but my anxiety always wants me to plan ahead. What I’m learning is that you can plan and plan but there’s always going to be things that fall through the cracks. It’s always a tough battle to balance planning the big things and taking it easy on the smaller ones or the other way round.

Anyway, my head hurts a bit these days even though I don’t think I’m doing too much screen time. I might need an eye check-up.

My sister’s had a baby a month ago and I feel major FOMO for not being able to see him. I wrote a whole blog post about it which I haven’t gotten around to posting.. for various reasons. But that’s not what this is about. I really want to see him! But I detest those long inter-continental flights. So I’m stuck in this major indecision paralysis and I feel like that’s been weighing quite heavily on me. When I was a kid, my friends and I used to regularly wish for teleportation machines because we didn’t have as much agency to travel whenever we’d feel like it. Now.. it feels like we have the agency, but it’s still not very easy to exercise it. So here I am, wishing for the goddamn teleportation machine.

I’ve been quite stagnant on work stuff, I feel like I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth for anything work-related lately. I’m tired, I really am. How the fuck does one prioritise the things that really need to get done? Job search is quite intimidating. I suppose I need to break it down into smaller tasks and goals.

It’s very interesting that my previous post was a lot about the same stuff that I’m complaining about right now— I suppose it makes sense that I’m feeling so blocked.

But January is over so I must set some intentions for February. Time keeps flying by, otherwise.

Happy 2025, folks!

109a – december blues (contd)

Crazy couple of weeks. I have a nephew now! Feels pretty surreal, I suppose it won’t really sink in until I go meet him. Attended a couple of weddings, met a lot of people. Did realise (or re-realise) that I weddings are a lot for me, mentally and emotionally, and yeah, like I’ve mentioned before, seriously reconsidering how much more of this I can continue to do on a yearly basis.

The next few days are pretty busy, socially, still, and that’s okay. Perhaps I’m even looking forward to continue to meet friends and spend time with them.

I do miss my sister and kind of want to visit her in Jan/Feb, but I really absolutely detest the longass flight, so I suppose we’ll see.

January is really going to be about planning moving. It’s a bit stressful but honestly definitely looking forward to moving out of Delhi. It’s become a lot. Plus a change of scenery would really be nice.

I have an updated opinion on road-trips— I used to think they’re pretty exhausting and stressful, but I’ve realised that opinion was formed primarily because I used to mostly travel with family, and their opinions and energy would affect me a lot. Traveling with friends (or basically people you feel safe with) is quite different and as long my agency is not super-compromised, road-trips can be fun too.

Lots of stuff to process still, but I’m finding myself unable to write freely. I don’t know what it is exactly. Expression seems somewhat pointless these days. I think AI everywhere has got me a bit bummed about everything. I realised that people around me have integrated AI tools heavily into their lives, and I don’t know why that makes me so uneasy. Am I going to become one of those old boomers who’re always on about the perils of technology and get “left behind”? Is there value to my feelings of resistance or is it just change of any sort that I’m fearing? I’m not sure, I also don’t know where to begin introspection on this topic.

So much to do and yet such little motivation to do those things. I’m also not sure what my social values are— I find myself losing some connections and although part of me is okay with it, there is also a part of me which wonders if I’ll regret this later.. not very sure.

December is weird, that’s for sure. Anyway, I should probably just figure dinner and then get on with the day, whatever’s left of it.

Cheers, folks xx

107a – do whatever you want

Went back on a commitment today. It feels quite terrible, my inner critic makes me feel like I’ve committed a crime, almost. I thought about it a lot, but I do have my reasons. I’m just not feeling it. I remember feeling the same way when the context has been that of romantic relationships. I remember going on two, three dates with someone and then wanting an out— it used to feel shitty as fuck. God forbid if it were more than three dates.

Why does changing my mind make me feel so shitty? Or, even if it’s somewhat shitty in a romantic context, it’s not as shitty in a professional context, is it? I want to believe that it’s okay to do this as long as I communicate well with the other party. And I am— I’m doing that.. and yet?

I guess there’s some aspect of FOMO and the idea of “burning bridges” involved. Like the idea that if you let an opportunity go by, it’ll come back to bite you. And maybe that’s true.. but how can I do something that I just don’t feel like doing? Not until I have to, not until it’s survival mode, I guess.

There are other things that I want to do. I want to focus on them. I want to remind myself that I can do decent work when my heart is in it. Like this word-vomit, for example. I feel really attuned to myself when I write and when I own up to my feelings.

The shitty of going back on a commitment is nothing compared to the sad I feel when I allow a “should” to walk over me. The should of “grabbing opportunities”, the should of “paying my dues”, the should of “work and productivity”, the should of “let’s just get out there”, the should of “I’m wasting my time otherwise” etc etc.

I’ve done (and completed) other things despite anxiety and resistance, so I cannot allow my inner critic to tell me that I don’t do anything.

Well, I guess this is it. Have to feel the regret and remorse of actions and feelings. Have to come back to myself, repeatedly, regardless of how tough it feels in the moment. Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll be happy that I did this. Tomorrow I’ll be happy that I have my day to myself.

What am I going to do now? I’m going to make some plans for tomorrow and the week onwards, and then I’ll figure out dinner.

Anyway, that’s it. Hope you’re having a better day than I am, folks! xx

106a – values exploration (pt 2)

I haven’t written much in a while. I’m unable to complete essays, unable to begin poems and I just don’t seem to have enough material for word-vomits. Of course, from past experience— and I’ve said this multiple times before— I know that it’s rarely the case that one doesn’t have enough to write about. It’s generally just that the stuff that’s going on is something perhaps one doesn’t feel open enough to share, or doesn’t want to share, for various reasons.

But I promised myself early on that to the extent possible, I would write in public. Of course, I need to be considerate of other people. This is coming from the fact that something I wrote a few weeks ago caused some conflict in a relationship of mine. To be precise, the conflict wasn’t really about me writing about it, so much as it was about me thinking certain things at all. And all that is fair. We’ve moved on from it (it’s not completely resolved), but to the extent possible— it’s not an active problem.

But that did awaken the “I need to be considerate about people who may end up reading these” thought in me.

I find myself in conflict with a few people lately. Some personal, some professional. I believe that’s because the more time I’ve spent “just” by myself or just with a few people, I’ve gotten a stronger sense of my values, beliefs and boundaries. Of course, nobody wants to live on an island, and if I lose too many important relationships, I would really have to question whether it’s me that’s the problem (ie do I need to adjust more, accommodate more and be more tolerant of certain things), or is it okay to lose relationships that don’t serve me anymore.. and I’m willing to face this question, but currently I think I stand with the former explanation— that is, I don’t want to be “tolerant” if it comes at the cost of some amount of self-abandonment.

A lot of people say that people’s core values cannot be changed. So when you are deciding whether to continue a relationship with someone, you really need to trust what their values are telling you. But I don’t think that’s necessarily true, I do think one can get “more in touch” with certain values with time and different life situations. For example, I didn’t really know how much I cared about freedom until even a couple years ago. It’s only this year that I’ve experienced freedom to a much larger extent than ever before and that’s taught me that I really value it!

(This newfound value for freedom is also urging me to explore and learn about various economic models (and the politics around them) and I’m finally getting started with something I’ve been wanting to do for a couple years now— ie forming an opinion on where I stand wrt capitalism etc. More on this later though!)

Anyway, I looked up the post from when I did a values exercise last year (sidenote: it’s nice to see that’s almost exactly a year ago from now. Something subconscious, it feels like). I found that freedom isn’t in my top-5. It’s not exactly up there in my top-10 either but there’s choice, which I’d say is synonymous for me. I’m going to go ahead and put freedom at 6, just for my current explorations of what I really care about. So here’s my updated list:

Authenticity (This is the only one I’m a 100% confident about)
Gratitude
Kindness / Love
Health
Learning
Freedom / Choice

I’m not getting around to making a point actually. Here’s what I’d recap with:

I’m questioning my core values, but that’s okay, I have a working understanding of them
I’m realising that it’s not true that people’s core values don’t change over time (they may not “change” per se but I do think it’s possible there’s some fluidity there)
I’m questioning why there’s an increased amount of conflict in my life lately, do I need to introspect or is it just a direct result of me getting more clarity about what I care about

Yeah, I suppose that’s it, really.

Happy October, folks xx

101a – writing, love and comfort

I’m passionate about writing, I know this. But I haven’t been writing as much lately. I’ve been busy falling in love, there’s just no other way to say this. I don’t know if it’ll last, I really can’t know this, of course. But I feel really good about her, about us. I hope we make it, whatever that means.

I do have strong imposter syndrome when it comes to creative activities, and I know the only way to even move towards addressing it would be to start looking for paid work. But I can’t do that for another three months, so how do I address it for now? By writing, or by “doing the thing” anyway, I suppose.

Falling in love has been great but I know I haven’t been doing much work. I also know it’s okay to not be productive etc etc, but fact is I do live in this society, and I do feel like I don’t want to let life go by. It’s okay if I don’t do anything “great” as such, but I do want to feel the fulfilment and satisfaction that comes with doing some sort of work on a regular basis. (I’m not talking about paid work necessarily, just work.) Just something to show for the time I’m living that’s not purely related to “just” joy.

So I will write today and I’ll make sure to publish this post. I also think not engaging with writing or music keeps me away from doing other things too. I feel less productive in all ways, if I’m not writing. So I’ll write this week and see if it makes a difference. A better difference.

June is halfway complete. In 20 days we’ll be halfway through 2024. I’ll be 2 months away from turning 29. These are all different ways of saying the same thing— that I’m really happy and content, I think.

In some ways I really want June to be over because it’s insanely hot here and I can’t wait for summers to be less intense. But I also don’t want June to be over because I’ll have to be away from home for three weeks this coming July and even though I’m really looking forward to the trip, I’m not looking forward at all to being away from my comfort person for so long. Classic mixed, bittersweet feelings. I guess that’s good information too, information that I can keep in mind the next time I plan long trips.

I saw this movie called “The Hours” the other day and I really liked it. I liked how inspiring it was in terms of writing goals and writing stories, even though I often worry a bit about how artists and writers are “romanticised” in certain ways which can be almost harmful to the mouldable mind.

Anyway, how do I feel? I feel okay. I’m glad I wrote a full post after fifteen days and I’m glad I’m going to hit publish. I’m glad I can say that I’m in love without cringing too much and I’m glad the summer decline is close. I’m looking forward to a lot of things (even with the cost) and I’d like to list them all for myself tomorrow. I feel like it’ll be a good exercise. I’m glad I finally have “tasks” I can look forward to as well. I was missing this feeling for a while.

Happy June folks, cheers xx

097a – health, pleasure and connection

The neighbours’ cat sits on the staircase landing one level below mine. I’m trying to lure it to come and meet me by waving some food in front of her. She’s been here before, she came and chilled inside my house too, but I’m not sure why she’s wary today. I decide to work from the desk near my door for the next couple hours though, I can keep an eye out for her from this position.

There are a couple things that I have to, absolutely have to get done today. Movement on chores and tasks has been slow but I really want to have a “productive” April.

Yesterday, I smoked up with a friend after many, many weeks and had a pretty good evening, until of course it became a bit hedonistic. I often find myself in that state of mind whenever I get high— and I’m not sure if I like that. I do feel like I tend to make unhealthy decisions in the pursuit and attainment of pleasure (especially when it comes to health) and I do think I’d like to change that, slowly if not right away. Something I realised yesterday though is that there’s a chance this is what’s one of the nicest thing about love and connection. That you can access and share depths (of your self and another) without having to resort to unhealthy things (like alcohol and drugs).

If I have systems and limits in place when it comes to unhealthy habits, I wouldn’t want to discard those systems even when I’m high. Or if I decide to get high, I would still need to know what my limits are with everything. The “rules” that I apply to myself have to be a little more universal. Maybe I do need to come up with specific, very specific rules for myself. Maybe that’s the only way at this point.

Health is, after all, a top-5 value of mine so I do need to act like it too.

I also feel a lot more of the need to be and feel seen when I’m high. Like I don’t necessarily want someone in my physical space but I do feel the need to share all my thoughts, everything that’s running through my head when I’m high. But this also made me realise that perhaps one of the antidotes to loneliness is the ability to separate these two somewhat related but not necessarily overlapping needs— ie the need for connection (the real, human, social need) and the need to be “more” seen. I think you can experience the latter even when all your social needs are met. So I think the latter comes from a bit of a pleasure-seeking place within us (for those of us who do experience this), because a lot of people are sufficiently satisfied and content when their social needs are met. But some of us (including me) do experience the second thing a lot more, I think we crave deep connection a lot more than others, and what deep connection means to us is this ability to share all of the “weird and crazy and unique” parts of ourselves that maybe we haven’t always been able to, in general settings and in mainstream settings.

I don’t know, maybe this is a bit rambly. I think my point is, it helps to break down the “social need” into exact terms— is it the basic need like for food when you’re hungry, or is it you craving dessert even when you’re full?

And post need-breakdown, I also think it’s important to remember and accept that not all parts of me need to be seen by and shared with someone else. I can witness some of them and that’s enough too. (And I don’t mean to come at this from a “cope” way at all, I genuinely think it can suffice).

I think I’m happy with this one. Hope y’all are doing well! Cheers xx

096b – the creative process of intimacy

I haven’t been writing (publicly) as much because all I can write about lately is love and romance. Anyone who knows me knows I’m deeply wary of the idea of being enmeshed with anyone else, especially romantic partners. And yet, these days I find myself wanting to spend all of my time with a specific person. She’s great and we both seem to be on the same page about most important things (including our own individual needs wrt alone time etc), and yet I do find my alone time not being as precious lately. It’s almost like I’m able to “recharge” with her and hence am able to do my “alone time” with her as well. Which.. I know it isn’t necessarily a bad thing— I’ve been in monogamous relationships before and they can be really pleasant— and just because they come with very strong, deep attachments doesn’t mean I have to be so fearful of them. But still, I know for sure that to retain my sense of myself, my individuality (which really, philosophically, I’m fully sure of wanting to do), I do need to remember what I like about my alone alone time.

Writing and music have been the two most important things over the last year, and to be fair to myself, I’ve been doing enough of the two, even if I’m not doing them publicly.

Still, I would like to continue to make my writing / journaling / blogging public, to the extent possible.

This actually feels really good too. Just the idea of writing things down and sharing them with the world does give me a sense of comfort and security. And this is important for me to note and regularly stay in touch with so I can do everything that I talked about earlier in the beginning of this post (ie retain and maintain my sense of self).

Something I’m more in touch with lately is a bit of the “crazy” and “weird” parts of me. Of course, calling them crazy and weird is a bit of a judgement, but perhaps I just mean the parts that maybe we’re not fully secure about, whether it’s because we carry internal judgement or whether society makes us that way, doesn’t really matter. Channeling all this becomes very important though. Of course most of us know creativity and art thrives on all of the parts of us that we’re not able to express through other ways. But to channel them successfully we need to make sure our routines around creative work are not falling apart. If I’m not writing everyday, for example, then even being in touch with part a or b will be useless. To create good stuff, or stuff we can be happy with, then, needs the following things—

a. being in touch with all sorts of feelings and parts of us,

b. routines wrt outlets and our creative practices,

c. the courage to express and the courage to share it or put it “out there”.

I suppose the process of intimacy (with another) and with the self looks the same in many ways then.

Anyway. Was this too rambly? I don’t think so. What am I saying? I’m saying that even though I haven’t been creating as much art as I may want to, I think I’m okay with it because I’m deepening my connection with someone, and that is, in many ways, the same thing as creating art (to me). The output, yes, is quite different, but for a while I think I’m okay to invest my time and bandwidth in the “creative process of love and romance”, and not just my existing preferred creative outlets.

Happy april, folks! xx

094b – hanging out

Sitting in a Doolally in Andheri in Mumbai and I’m determined to write a post today. I’d decided to travel for very personal reasons and even though I was content to be able to visit, I did keep an additional couple days on almost a whim of sorts. I thought I might meet people, go to the beach or do something fun, without planning too much for it. Also the tickets were much less expensive which was an important factor too.

I do feel like including a bit of randomness in life can be really lucrative, conducive, especially to creative work. Which is why I also feel that if I don’t get a post done I won’t feel like I made the most out of this “time” I had to kill.

Of course, if there were enough people to meet I would have been happy to spend my time with them too, but since it was short notice and somewhat last minute, I do have the evening to myself. I have a couple hours to kill before I can head to the airport and to be very honest, I feel like they might not be super easy to kill. But let’s see, we’ll see how that goes.

There are of course other “tasks” I can do but really don’t want to. Part of me wonders if I should have gone to a cafe instead of a bar. But cafes can be a bit too quiet actually. I’m not very sure. Maybe we do need “work places” that also serve alcoholic drinks. I know there’s probably a few out here but maybe not enough.

My time in Mumbai, Bangalore and Delhi has reinforced one thing for sure however— Mumbai definitely feels the safest and most “chill” (especially for me personally as a single queer woman) amongst the three. The other day I felt extremely unsafe and observed in Delhi, even at the airport, a place that’s supposed to be very busy and diverse.

As I start to feeling closer and more attached to the person I’m dating at the moment, I’m starting to feel warmer towards monogamous / monogamish structures again. I was thinking maybe I don’t feel jealousy and possessiveness for people lately but now I’m thinking maybe that’s not very true. We’ve spent a lot of time together over the last week and I’m feeling a lot of “new” feelings for this person since then. But I do, still, worry about the idea of attempting to “secure” our attachments. It feels quite risky. Addressing this feels good though. I hadn’t realised I was carrying this and it was weighing on me quite a bit. I do feel a lot of separation anxiety when we say goodbye or end calls and I just don’t know if that can ever be solved or if that will ever feel less painful. With separation anxiety, it’s never a lasting feeling, I know that things become okay once we spend a bit of time apart, like I get busy with my own thing, my own routines etc. But it is super difficult when actually separating. Maybe I look this up a little more and do some research on this. Maybe there’s a way to ensure that I won’t be co-dependent even if I’m in a monogamous relationship. This sounds tough to me but I DO feel that that’s my primary fear. Not that I won’t get to date other people etc but that I will lose my individuality. So maybe I think about this fear first instead of thinking about non-monogamy instead. Maybe detanglement and individuality and independence is what I care about a lot more than wanting to see other people. Maybe seeing other people is just one way of asserting that independence and choice, and wasn’t the aim all along. Let’s see. I’m going to sit with this for the next few weeks.

I’ve written this word vomit with only 80% focus (I also replied to a bunch of texts with 80% focus), but I think I’m good for now. Hope to write again soon, cheers folks! xx

095 – curiosities and non-monogamy

There are things I do on a daily basis which help me maintain a sense of stability even as I try to keep with the various big crazy uncertainties of life. Singing, dancing, making lists, journaling, talking to and texting with people who feel like home, watching Schitt’s Creek, making and having my morning cold coffee— these are some of the things that allow me to cope with the big questions of life. These are the things that help me cope with my exploratory needs, even when those needs are incredibly anxiety inducing.

What are some of these needs, one might wonder. Lately, it’s been curiosities around non-monogamy. Which has bought up quite a bit of tumult within me, if I’m being honest. Yesterday night I realised how invested and attached I do feel about one of the existing connections in my life right now. There’s also a lot of discomfort around realising how ingrained within me the current monogamy mental model is. It’s not just me, of course, most people I know are quite monogamous and are quite happy with it as well. But in my current circles, I’m the only one who’s “trying” to check what I prefer. One of my friends identifies as polyamorous, but he has done so for pretty much the longest time and I don’t know if he struggled with any of this, and it certainly didn’t show even if he did. Another friend experimented a bit with all this— and I actually realised I wasn’t super supportive of his explorations when he was in the throes of it— I think I was of the opinion (without perhaps being very aware about it) that we don’t need to do things if they give us so much anxiety. (He would tell me about the amount of anxiety he would experience when his partner was on dates with other people and I would just struggle to understand why they (he and his partner) were putting themselves through so much when it was so uncomfortable for the both of them). Over a year later, as I’ve reconnected with the exploratory, curious parts of me, I realise that just because new things give us (me) anxiety, it doesn’t mean new things are bad.

I’m glad I’m able to hold and face this believe again and again, with various things in life. I’ve accepted that anxieties about all the plethora of things in the world aren’t “not going to show up”, and to “delete” them can’t be my aim. The aim is to just to be in touch with what new things are worth trying despite all the anxiety, and the reasons for which I may want to try them. (“What is worth trying” is also something we cannot answer in the present, but I suppose being clear about why we’re “putting ourselves through” something can help).

Whenever I’m faced with something that’s so non-conventional, I always automatically go back to the time when I first discovered that I liked women. Somehow, that wasn’t at all anxiety inducing to me. Maybe because I discovered that through love, or maybe because it was still within the limits of “my “open” mind” as it were at the time. Basically, somehow, I wasn’t inherently homophobic and was also lucky enough to probably not have too many (openly) homophobic people around me (which I believe is why I didn’t get influenced into taking on any external homophobia either).

The topics of gender and non-monogamy on the other hand, have been uncomfortable enough. But I won’t want to blame myself for the discomfort. It’s okay that it’s uncomfortable. And I know that I can work through it, also.

So yeah, I feel better now that I’ve acknowledged and laid out the discomfort and the context of the situation here. Now to the next part: if being clear about the reasons of something can help with carrying it forward, what are my reasons for wanting to explore non-monogamy?

I think it was triggered by realising I had some residual feelings for a person while I started to see a new person, and I actually felt for a (albeit brief) period of time I actually had feelings (and curiosities about more than a single person). (Side thing here— I felt a bit guilty about this, and I feel like the monogamy model is one of the causes for the guilt.)
Did some research and reading, and of course, having curiosities for more than a single person is just the starting point. Non-monogamy is not just about having these curiosities, it’s about a lot more— ie whether you have the wish to follow these curiosities, whether you have the bandwidth for it, whether you have the capacity for very open, honest communication with multiple partners and the ability to respect different types of boundaries AND the capacity to deal with the reverse, and lastly of course whether you have the willingness to then date only within the non-monogamous pool— because the reality does seem like it is an objectively smaller pool.
I do compare romantic love with non-romantic love as of now, sometimes though. I just feel like I’m a better friend because I have multiple deep friendships. And for the same reason, I just wonder if I could also be a better “lover” if I have multiple deep romantic relationships. I basically wonder if I could be more “secure” if I was non-monogamous. I’m reading a lot more about this and of course, it’s not like I’m trying to solve my relationship with myself THROUGH other people, like I know that the security essentially has to come from me, only me, and whether I date one person or two (or zero actually), that piece of the picture has to still be painted through my own internal work.. and yet, I just feel like being “forced” to do some of the work and having different types of structures and stimuli can help with it all. (Again, as it often does with friendships and all the other types of relationships.)
I’m trying to answer this very important question for myself: Why is it that we believe that we can only (romantically) love a single person at a time? Or whether it’s even true. If it’s true (for me), I may not end up caring about the why, but if it’s not true— I would really like to know sooner than later.

There’s probably a few more things here but I’m actually really satisfied with the last point, I think that’s the crux, really.

Phew, that was a lot. Stay alive folks, cheers xx

093a – age, explore vs exploit, attachment

Feeling very reflective today. I think I’m not that afraid of turning 30 anymore. I feel like things have only gotten better (so far) with the power that experience and age brings. I’m still ambitious, motivated, excited, prone to chasing pleasure, prone to human longings, but I feel more grounded. Of course, these feelings of stability and security are not PURELY related to age. There’s a lot of other things that play into it— geography, community, loving people ie family and friends, romantic partnerships, anti-anxiety medication, my therapist, goals I’m working towards, and lastly art and artistic outlets; and some of these (maybe most) can be present at most ages. But whatever it is, I’m feeling good about still have over an year to 30, and then sort of having a nice “second half” of my life from 30-55 or 30-60.

I don’t want to say that the life I envision post 60 is not valuable, but I imagine that will be very different considering the challenges that “old age” might bring, so I just feel like it’s futile to think about that right now. Obviously, one might argue it’s obviously futile to even think about anything beyond a week or two, really, but let’s keep that aside for a minute.

The point is— I’m excited about the second half of my life.

The numbers are just rough markers, of course.

I’m satisfied with the amount and kind of “explorations” I’ve done over the course of my 20s, and I feel good about sort of entering a bit of the “exploit” part of life, at least in the bigger picture. Not to say that I will curb my exploratory needs as and when they come up— and I think I am sufficiently exploratory by nature, and this has also been sufficiently stable over the last couple decades, despite the anxieties that come with exploration in general and despite my personal fears and anxieties. So I wouldn’t want to curb my exploratory needs too much, and my brain does devote maybe 10-20% of its bandwidth on curiosities. However, I’m learning to focus on the stability and safety that comes out of really leaning into the remaining 80-90% of the thing itself. Or (and) celebrate the good parts of what is.

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In therapy we also talked about differentiating attachment (of the spiritual sense) and the real attachment (the one that exists within relationships etc). I think I’ve been mixing the two a lot over the last few years. I’ve convinced myself that I get attached too quickly and in unhealthy ways (even though that attachment was coming from my ego) and I forgot that I’m capable of maintaining and nourishing healthy attachments too. With friendships, for example— I’m actually capable of showing up in many many healthy ways. I’d like to not do myself disservice by confusing these two terms. Maybe it makes sense to think about what the healthy attachment means and looks like— do I want it? Is it a subset of love? What are the pitfalls? Why am I so afraid of it? I am not afraid of intimacy but I do find myself being quite afraid of “attachment”. So, yeah, that’s something I’ll be thinking about this week as well.

Cheers, happy Feb! xx