Tag: relax

057b – need a break from constant evaluation and thoughts (read: anxiety)

August and September have been hard. I think truly, the “adjustment” to India began only in August. Living by myself is the only way I can really compare different locations and so May-July didn’t really give me the signal I needed. And boy, living by myself here is definitely hard. Safety (and associated things) is the core problem. Weather is second. Everything else I can still cope with. Or tolerate at least, for the good things. 

Anxiety has been way too high. I think January-May was a relatively low anxiety period despite everything, because I’d “made the decision” to move, so I was essentially just enjoying life. May-July was okay as well. Lately I’ve been feeling really scattered, anxious, emotionally fragile, dependent, all sorts of things. I might need to consult my psychiatrist and get back on meds soon. Might help with the next few months. 

Even though I have gained some clarity with respect to the question “how do I like to spend my time”, action is still something that proves to be tough on a daily basis. 

I think I’m also tired of the “evaluative” thought-process that’s been constantly occurring in me over the last few months. With geography, with the things that I do, with relationships, everything. I really want to just be more present. Like sure, you have bad days and good days, or you have good things and bad things in most days, doesn’t always have to mean something. Yes, I’m doing some data collection but that’s not all I’m doing. Living is primary, capturing signal from living is secondary. And it will be subconscious, I don’t have to actively do it everyday. Reflection is important and I can keep regularly making space for it but I can’t keep reflecting while I’m experiencing. Might need to look a little more into the how of this. 

I’ve also been a little unwell but it’s been tough to be easy on myself, because I’ve been so easy on myself over the last few months. I feel like that’s not fair and I shouldn’t have to “make up” for enjoying life but there’s definitely two parts in me that have been fighting on this quite a bit. 

To summarise: 

[Ick] How to take a break from constant evaluation and reflection, while life is happening? Ie how to be more present and in the moment? 

[Ick] How to build more emotional resilience? 

[Task] Schedule a session with my psychiatrist, maybe get back on anxiety meds

[Yum] The clarity wrt my creative outlets still persists and I’ve started vocalising it more in front of people as well, so that’s nice.  

Alright that’s it from me. Intention for the week is to go easy on myself, hope y’all will do the same with yourselves! 

040b – how do you like to travel?

I dream of a vacation where I don’t have to worry about little things the night before it begins. I’d have an easy morning, actually have breakfast, have enough time to dilly-dally and then finally begin my journey, which wouldn’t be a long one. It’d be a 2-3 hour drive to maybe a small village in the countryside. I’d be able to check into the guesthouse that I got from wherever with a key that was left for me under the doormat. The guesthouse would already be stocked with some basic groceries like bread, butter, eggs, coffee and milk, sufficing for at least the evening and the next morning. (I just realised I’m describing a famous five holiday lol) 

Instead, I worry a good amount the night before. Responding to the airbnb host about our check-in time (because not all airbnbs are self check-in), web check-in, the remaining 30% of my packing, waking up on time. I wake up later than I wanted so I’m not able to squeeze in a coffee or a snack before leaving my house. 

My relationship with travel is kind of mixed. I think my peers like it way more than I do, and I do sometimes feel pressurised by the push for it. But I do love many things about venturing out of your daily life, I love that I’m a little more open as a person when I’m traveling, I love that traveling is one of the ways to ensure that you’ll have experiences that wouldn’t have had otherwise or could have planned for. Some of my best memories with people I like have been on trips. 

But because I have an anxiety disorder, the cost to all of this is not low. It means I’m fairly anxious ~2/x days (because taking flights is almost always a high anxiety activity for me). And while some of the things have gotten a lot better than even 3-4 years ago, overall I’d still say it’s like being in a more fragile or “at risk” state when I’m traveling. If things go well, it’s all good, but if something goes wrong it could affect me in ways that I can’t always predict. 

But like I said, even as I write this, I’m realising just how much things have gotten better. I’m learning that I like mixed itineraries, I like having some rough plans but with enough room to change them. I like traveling with people who can be a little accommodating of me and my preferences. (Of course, I make sure to tell them this beforehand) And I’m also learning how to communicate to my travel buddies when I beed something specific (this could be simple things like time or space or just more patience for my emotions from their side). I like that spending time with someone you already know and like but “in a different place” adds a lovely new dimension to the relationship. 

I’ve also gotten better at tuning out of work as soon as my break begins. Most of all, I’m learning to not worry about the “relative value” of an activity. ie “Travelling seems to make my peers really happy but for me it’s always mixed feelings”.  I’m learning to focus on the absolute value of it, ie only for me, in my context. It’s a highly personal thing and I’m allowing myself to treat it that way.