Tag: rest

104b – dreams, neurodivergence and the need for rest

People keep talking about dreams all the time. Or so it seems. People tell me how proud of me they are and how inspiring it is that I’m following my dreams. I don’t even know what my dreams are, though. To live a creative life? Yes. To spend more time with my art, with myself, with people I love? Yes, of course. To not be doing too many things that I don’t want to do? Yes, indeed. 

Financial privilege and in general— privilege— aside, I don’t feel like I’m living a very good life. My relationship has been hard work, lately, and career stuff weighs heavily on me too. Do I want to be a writer, or a musician, or nothing at all? Am I really just afraid of hard work or am I not able to tune into my gut and figure out what I want? Or hell, even if I don’t know what I Want, am I able to at least know what I want next? 

Having freedom and privilege makes me feel like I’m supposed to do something with it. I don’t know if I want to. In certain moments, yes, I do want to do something that could be useful to someone (even if that someone’s just myself), but in other moments— I really just want to rest. 

I know I’m definitely some sort of neurodivergent, and vocalising that more loudly and more frequently has come with its own set of challenges. Now that I’m more in touch with how easily I get overstimulated and tired, there is a need to also accept that it makes sense to need the amount of rest and alone time that I tend to need. But society’s voice is stlll way too loud. 

It tells me that I’ve had my “year” of rest and now it’s time to get back into work and productivity. A month ago I tried writing a goodbye letter to this “year of rest” but it wasn’t enough. I don’t think I’m ready to get back to work. Not the trad 9-5 kind anyway. I’m talking to some people for part-time work but none of it comes with pay. Sure, I can afford that for now but at some point I won’t be able to. Well, I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Or like six months before we have to, I guess. 

I’ve been considering art school or music school more seriously since, well, all of yesterday. Talking to Y made me realise how suppressed this desire has been, in me. Yes, last year I did consider it seriously, but then I did some research which convinced me thoroughly to not go ahead with any of that at this point of time. Even now, I don’t think I want to go to school right away. I just want more motivation to work on the things that I do want to work on. I do want to reduce TV time and gaming time so I can feel more energised. I do want to eat better, exercise more, but I feel like these wants are still outcome oriented. Is that okay? I don’t know. I don’t know if I can just eat better SO that I feel more energised. That kind of thinking is not motivating enough for me. But I do want to find some way of getting over all this, because otherwise I’m just denying my body what it needs. 

Anyway, I think that’s it for now. Going to try out a couple things to summon some energy! Happy October, folks xx 

094a – blogging is cool

Finally got to rest and recharge today. Got a few chores done post dinner, caught up with a couple friends also, feeling good. 

Maintenance, I’m realising is definitely a thing. When buying things, or setting things up, we need to be mindful of how much maintenance they may require. For example, if I add more instruments to my space, I need to consider how much regular cleaning they may require etc. Another thing I’ve been thinking of doing is practicing driving and really getting serious about it. But then car maintenance is an additional thing to consider which I’d never paid attention to until now. 

Feeling pretty sleepy but I want to write so I will. 

I think I’m in a good space now. Looking forward to this week, finally planned the week a bit too. Planning is something I often struggle with so it’s nice to have structures and people around me who help me with this. 

I’ve been watching Schitt’s Creek again and it’s been quite enjoyable. I’d forgotten how much nice, easy shows can improve a day (of course, within their limits). 

Thinking I might be able to make some time for domestic travels once again, actually. It’s funny how this works. Get the right people to ask you to visit and then making time and bandwidth doesn’t seem so tough actually. I know this conflicts a little bit with what I wrote here about wanting more time to myself but only a little bit. I’m optimistic that March will give me the time I need and then April will be a bit open again. 

Chores and tasks are only a problem for as long as you’re not doing them, funnily enough. We know this, I know this, and yet, it’s only when I actually get them done that I realise this again and again. Doing a little more cooking lately too and I’m quite happy about that. Feels pretty grounding and therapeutic. 

I used to often wonder what the point of blogging was if you’re not coming to terms with “insightful things” on a daily/regular basis, but now I think even the pure act of documentation can be quite worthwhile. For one, it helps you remember how you feel about various events happening in your life. Even the pure act of noting that down can help you make better decisions, I think. It helps to know what you’re liking, what you’re not liking, which of course helps you do more of what you do like and less of what you don’t (assuming that is possible). The other thing (this I learnt from the Artist’s Way recently) is that there is only so much “complaining” you can do about a thing until you eventually get tired of it and are “forced” (by choice, funnily enough) to solve it. 

Yep, I think that’s it from me tonight. Cheers xx 

079a – rest & recovery (2)

Slept a lot today, woke up towards the tail-end of the afternoon after a very long time. I think sleep, a little bit of laziness and slothness are my primary vices at the moment. I’m not being too hard on myself since it’s December and the anxiety medication has a role to play in the added sleepiness as well, but sleep schedule has always been a problem for me so I don’t want to let it get too out of hand. Getting a good amount of daylight is very important since it really messes up a lot of routinely things. Social commitments, chores, and of course general mood and feelings. 

I think I’m ready to start moving towards some stability soon. Which means I’ll have to start looking for part-time work even though I don’t know what kind I want. I think I’m now in the state where creative pursuits can be pursued in parallel, and I don’t need to devote all my waking time to them. 

Spoke to a close friend today about some of the stuff I’ve been avoiding and she was super supportive, it was quite nice to receive reassurance and comfort about some of the things I’ve been really fearful of. Resistance towards experimentation, exploration and potential change. But she was of the belief that exploration is worthwhile and can really get you closer to your true, real self and it is generally worth it, even if it’s tough. We’ll see, I guess. 

I don’t think I have a lot to write/vomit about today so I’ll keep this one short. What are my intentions for December? I think health is primary and I’ve probably mentioned this before. I was feeling pretty stuck musically but I’ve been getting melody ideas again so that’s nice. I do need to come back to songs and summon some discipline though so I can complete some of these ideas I have. I don’t know why it becomes so tough in certain weeks. I had a nice couple weeks in November when I was wrapping up a lot of loose threads, I’d love to be able to operate the same way again. I guess I just need to get over myself and do it. But can you really gaslight yourself into doing things? I don’t know. I’ll find out, I’ll make some time post-dinner today. 

Community stuff has been nice, I’ve met some nice people lately and also been spending more pleasant time with parents and old friends who keep visiting. Winters makes everything a little tougher but I guess there aren’t a lot of good solutions for this. Maybe I just invest in better clothing though. 

Alright so what are my priorities for this week and the next? 

  • Wrap up a couple songs (at least first drafts) 
  • Get some health related tasks done 
  • Continue writing word-vomits if not essays 
  • Maybe make some time for dating if I can 

Sounds good enough, I’ll write later! 

078b – rest and recovery

Fun, beauty and truth. Maybe just incorporating enough of these elements in a sustainable way is what I need to be doing for this chapter of my life. It’s been incredibly difficult over the last two weeks and yet, I know that I’ve faced difficult life situations before and why should this be any different? Or even if it is, it doesn’t mean I can’t face it. 

Writing and music are the two things I can still do while nothing else makes sense, so here I am. 

I’ve started anxiety medication again (the last time I tried them was in 2021) and I don’t know why but my body seems to be resisting them a bit. Obviously I’ll discuss this with therapist and psychiatrist but regardless wanted to note down this feeling. 

My biggest worry with medication has always been whether it can hamper my creativity (since overall toned down feelings could potentially reduce my motivation to “express”), but in the past that wasn’t the case. I’m hoping that’s not going to be the case this time as well. 

When I started the “what do I like to do” question journey, something I would constantly tell myself is that it’s okay to not know. I wonder why I’m not able to tell that to myself when it comes to the gender question also? Gender is going to be such a complex thing, how can I possibly know in a month or two? I need to be open and patient with myself as I address this question. 

Of course, I might need a lot of help, from people who aren’t even in my universe yet, so I need to make actionable tasks for how I can possibly find this help, support and resources that I might need. 

If being alive is the ultimate creative act, maybe it’s okay to take my time as I figure out what I want “me” and “my life” to look like. 

But yes, I do feel some apathy towards my form which I’m obviously not very happy about. 

How to approach open questions sustainably, then, becomes an important question. 

When I had a lot of work stress I asked my manager if I could take a week off. Maybe right now I just need a week off from personal stuff. From everything. Maybe I just want a week off from thoughts and feelings. I suppose that’s okay too. Because survival over truth, at the moment. 

Yes, I think it makes sense to want rest, physical and mental. I’m just going to take it easy till Sunday. Do the bare minimum, and not push myself. Maybe focus on food and rejuvenation. 


Alright looks like we have a plan, onward!

008b – rest and growth

Preamble: Wrote this a couple days ago since I was feeling quite “inspired”. But turns out it was just a passing feeling, hence the easy end.

I’ve been thinking about growth lately. There’s definitely a big part of me that likes to grow. I don’t like worrying about things too much and anxiety almost always feels like a constant problem, but sometimes I enjoy these problems, I guess. Or at least, I like the feeling of making my out of the darkness. Or even when it’s not as dark, even when it’s a “simpler emergence”, I do like chasing some sort of goals. Nothing special, pretty normal, a lot of us do it – it’s just new again for me since for a while I thought I only wanted to rest. I had weeks and weeks of wanting to do nothing, I just wanted to breathe and relax and take life in.

When things get hard, I enjoy dissociating from myself. I subscribe to Buddhist ideas like “I am not my thoughts, I am not my feelings”. And it’s pretty helpful. The less attached I am to the idea of “Me” or “I”, the easier it generally is to accept whatever is happening to me. 

But when things are “okay” again, I sometimes find myself getting attached to myself again. I find myself looking at myself like a project again, something to constantly be improving and working on. In the previous post I realized I don’t value my time enough, and I think that’s a product of some of “detachment” (so to say) that I was trying to practice.

But I’m thinking about growth again, and I’m finding that I want to get over my fears “faster”. Where’s that need coming from? I’m finding that I “want” to value my time? Where is this sense of urgency coming from? Do I want to pay attention to it? Do I even want to act on it? Is it even correct? Probably not, I think. 

I think many us go through this. Phases of growth, phases of rest. The sinusoidal waves of life.

But I need to be careful between the rest and the growth phase. Even though it’d be nice to keep failing fast, I want to be a little careful, still. Because emotions can be unpredictable. It would probably make sense to keep a decent amount of buffer for them. When I plan for a growth phase, I probably shouldn’t do the planning based on “how I feel during the rest phase”.

I suppose this ends up at the two common strategies we often debate on: 

A. Under-plan, and overdo, if that happens? 
B. Over-plan and be okay with meeting only a % of it? 

I think at this point, strategy A looks like a better option to me, because it leaves enough time for me to have fun on the way.. not super sure why I was even debating this to be honest.