Tag: routines

086a – thought-trains and fears

Fucked up sleep schedule again. I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to sleep. Either I just accept that I’m sleeping weird hours or I genuinely try to be disciplined. I think I’m just going to accept that for the next few weeks because once I’m traveling (ie end of this month) and spending time with other people I think the routine will automatically come into the picture. 

Yeah, so maybe for the next couple weeks, it’s alright to have a slightly weird sleep schedule. 

Did a lot of music things the whole day yesterday, felt pretty nice, although I do feel like I’m getting very daydreamy with my goals and tasks. Like it’s not like I’m not spending enough time on the doing (I am), but I’m still spending a LOT of time just romanticising it all. 

In general also, I’ve been thinking a lot about romanticisation and glorification. Is it a problem? It’s obviously better than catastrophisation but I think it’s sort of the same thing. In a way, you’re spending time away from the present and away from awareness. So, yeah, I’d definitely want to be spending less time in my head. So how do I do this really? I’ve cut out a lot of my “vices” or copes to this problem over the last few months, I think there are in a way just the innermost layers remaining now. 

Ie just core strong self-discipline. Habits, I suppose, is what people vouch by a lot. Yeah, maybe I’ll think about habit building a bit too. Maybe I recognise what situations I’m most prone to rumination and daydreaming in. Obviously, keeping a journal and a guitar near me as much as I can helps me too. But that’s not enough, I think. I think I’d want to be better at both the routes— cutting the thought “spirals” (regardless of whether they’re down spirals or up spirals) through body interference (movement, or action for eg) but also through brain interference (“hey, you’re in your head”, “hey, you’re on a thought-train, do you want to write about it perhaps?”). Yeah, I think I’ll try practicing these things a bit. 

I slept from 7am-2pm today and I think that’s okay, I do tend to need 9 hours of sleep. Anyway, I think it’s all okay. I can’t always be questioning everything. I’m happy doing the work I’m doing lately, I just don’t want to get lost in it— is something I’ve been feeling lately. But just as I write this, I wonder if it’s okay to get lost in it for a few months? I’m just afraid of becoming a workaholic to be very honest. I don’t want to prioritise work over health and relationships. I do want to keep health at the top, and then relationships and work at an equal footing, for sure. 

Man, there’s no sun today either. Hope tomorrow is better! Hope you’re having a good week xx 

045b – gratitude + journeys

I am absolutely in love with the world today. I don’t know if it’s because my dad did a really cool ally thing* today morning or because a cute girl called me cute on Bumble or because I took the metro to go somewhere after ages of being fed up about traffic and the (perceived) lack of public transport in Delhi** or because I spotted (and bought) a super cool t-shirt at Uniqlo which gave me major gender euphoria (and general euphoria) and made me feel like I have great taste or because I had a nice time hanging out with this really close friend of mine or because… just. It’s probably all the things, not just one of them. 

Regardless, it’s a happy day. 

Overall, more good days than bad days over the last month. And that’s really great.

Having time for your emotions and ideas is really great. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go back to the constrained ways of living. I mean, I still practice “discipline” a little bit, I haven’t let everything run amok. But I don’t think I can do the 9-5 routine thing anytime soon. 

I like the idea of having “certain things” that you do do everyday. Like I like playing online Catan and having cold coffee for breakfast each morning (or noon, when I wake up). I like watching a little bit of good TV with some good food sometime in the day. I like reading, I like doing at least one creative thing (painting, singing, writing). And lastly, I like some physical exercise (workout at home or preferably a walk outside). I do like having these set things that I do do, almost daily. But I don’t like having “fixed” times around them. Or I don’t want a compulsion around any of this. 

I love the journey. Some (very few) of my thoughts (very tiny thoughts) lately have been in colours. And images. I really like that. It’s like learning a new language. And then to truly learn a skill would be to directly be able to think in this different language as well. Because, sure, translations are important. But the real magic I think will happen when your consciousness directly receives these thoughts and feelings (from inside you) in this different language. (Think words, melodies, colours, movements, sounds as the “different languages”.)

Anyway, I’m not high. Point is, the universe is great, life is precious, routinely activities are nice, and learning a skill is like learning a language, and if you’re lucky, you get to enjoy the journey. 

*cool ally thing: he forwarded me dates of a pride march that his company is doing in various cities 

**public transport in Delhi is actually pretty decent, compared to some other cities in India. But of course, my latest point of comparison is the Netherlands, which is hard to beat, so I hope I can be excused.