san-francisco – untitled atm

035a – big changes

Really need the noise to quieten down. External, internal, all of it. Anxiety’s been pretty high lately. I “overthink” every little decision I have to go through. Wish some of the days would pass by easier. A 4-day long weekend in the middle of apartment hunting is just the worst. The first thing everyone asks me when they talk to me is whether I found a house yet or not. It’s frustrating, though I’m not sure why. Because I’m worried about it? It’s a trigger, I guess.

Everyone’s priorities in life are so different, it’s hard to remember that it’s okay that that’s the case. The context that’s shaped all of us is so different, even if we may have somehow ended up in the same location at this point in time. Someone said the past doesn’t really matter, it’s what you decide in this moment that shapes you. It sounds wonderful, but I’m not sure if I believe it.

Need to do some of the mundane things: cleanup, etc. Need my space to be better for relaxation. (and work too, lol)

I actually don’t have a lot of “things” to do right now, not too many. But until I finalize a house I’m just not able to focus on any of the smaller stuff, even if it’s really tiny. So far, I think I liked San Francisco better than Amsterdam.. though I’m aware the former has three whole years on the other. I used to think I’m good with casual parties every day and that I might enjoy them too, but man – this city really is on a whole other level. Or so it feels. I do crave some like-minded people around me though. Someone I could really share FeELinGs with.

I’m really envious of people who can adjust to big changes (or I guess even smaller changes) faster. I know I’m not like them, though how I wish I were. I miss the people I’ve said goodbye to, but even more – I miss the feelings I’ve said goodbye to. And it’s that classic problem – even if I were to go back to those people and try to feel the same things, I wouldn’t. Because they were unique to that time. And it’s fine, I’m not closed to what’s in store for me, I know I’ll learn to enjoy other things and other people, but I guess there’s just a lot of weeks I need to go through before I can get to that.

My third week here is about to end in a couple of days. Let’s see what it brings before it ends. Amsterdam, be good to me. 🙂 ❤

030b – creative queues and time management

I finally had a gin and tonic the other day. They charged us a fortune for it. We found a table outside and talked for an hour. There were heaters above us so the air didn’t feel as chilly as it generally does. The time was perfect, most of the evening crowd had gone home, but it wasn’t dead either. The city’s quite beautiful at night. The moon was out, it was a little foggy (as it often is), there’s enough voices to keep you grounded but not so many that you get overwhelmed.

I got back home and realized I can’t do something like that every night. I mean, I wouldn’t want to. Part of the magic just lies in the novelty of it. I need to be okay with the routine and the day-to-day as well. I want to be able to enjoy that. I can’t always keep looking for something exciting, new, wild (??) to do.

I got a haircut the next day so that was fun. I’d let my hair grow out for more than eight months now so that’s been crazy. Today wasn’t great though. I ended up sleeping in the whole day, missed all the sunlight – and the week’s kicking off tomorrow so I’m a little worried about how it’s going to go.

I’ve been worried about all the things that have been brewing in my head and taking up space. So much so I’ve ended up procrastinating on this post as well. Now that I’m finally in it though, it seems fine – it’s not as much material as I thought it’d be. (As usual, I guess?)

I don’t think I’m excited about being in tech. Even though it’s one of the biggest “things” in the world and I’m sure I’ll have a ton of fomo whenever I “switch” fields (if I end up doing it, that is), yet I think I want to accept that it doesn’t excite me enough. I just genuinely really want to be successful at a creative job.

But there’s the hard part, right? I can’t guarantee the success.

I’ve been debating about what the next “phase” of my life is going to be. Where do I want to be next, where do I want to go next? Summer’s about to be over soon and I’m going to have to start taking some decisions, eventually. The uncertainty’s eventually going to get to me.

Time management’s been a little hard. I think I’ve been all over the place. Between my social goals, creative goals, travel goals, relationship (??) goals and my job and chores – I feel like I can’t get everything done. I’m also aware that this is a common problem and that it’s okay, but I wonder if there’s a way to prioritize or set some boundaries or constraints at the start of a week to have some guidelines to follow as you execute? That sounds like a decent idea. I’m going to give that a shot this week.

Welp, I hit 500 words exactly. So I think that’s a wrap. Time to celebrate – I’m finally done with the 30k milestone! Hope you all have a good week ahead.

019a – ghost town

They sit on a park bench overlooking the Painted Ladies, unsure about their place in the world. She knows where they are, she doesn’t know what they’re doing there. Tiny drops of water grace their shoulders as they let the almost silence settle between and around them. Almost silent – not completely so. There’s the sound of the rain and the cars, to start with. There’s also the light chatter of the last few people who haven’t gone home yet. Or some who’ve stepped out again. Almost silent – not completely so. That’s how it mostly feels in her head as well. It’s almost midnight, she never really steps out of the house this late unless it’s to visit people in their homes or to come back from such visits. It’s been ages since she’s been out out this late. She hadn’t realized San Francisco on Sunday nights is almost ghost town.

The night’s precious to her, it always has been.

She wishes she’d feel safe, she could enjoy it so much more.

She wonders what she’s doing with life, giving her time to strangers, putting herself in strange, new (sometimes terrifying) situations, hoping to feel something. She’s trying to figure out what she wants from life, though she knows she may never really end up figuring it out. She’s recently started taking medication for anxiety and depression and she can’t wait for it to take effect, there’s a huge part of her that can’t wait to feel normal, in some ways.

“How do you not know what you like?”, he asks, sending her into a spiral of self-doubt again. How does she not know what she’s into? Is it really that easy for most people?

She knows she doesn’t like the cold and the rain and feeling unsafe. She always knows what she doesn’t like, she’s not as articulate with the rest. She doesn’t feel fully safe here in this city but she doesn’t want to go home, either. She’s not sure what’s holding her here. It’s not the promise of riches, or career prospects.. it’s something else. There’s this idea of accessibility that she’s unable to let go of. She’s been interacting with cool people online and a lot of them aren’t based out of her home country. A lot of them are based out of the country she’s currently living in – America, the land of opportunity. It was never really her dream, but now that she’s lived her for a while, she’s found dreamlike things about it.

He doesn’t offer a lot of information about himself unless she asks, so there’s always a lull in the conversation as she contemplates follow-ups. He never really denies when she does ask though, and that keeps it going for them.

She’s changed her mind about wanting to make money out of writing, she saw some numbers and was disillusioned, at least for the time-being. She knows she doesn’t love her day job but she’s trying to make it work, until some of the other pieces fall into place, even if they do so for a little while. She’s only 25, she doesn’t know why she’s so worried. She doesn’t even know if she wants a conventional life – the house, the family, the kids. She knows it’s just natural selection trying to do its job, making her believe she’s short on time. It’s an everyday struggle, one she can’t seem to find her way out of.

She’s always on the edge lately, except for when she’s sleeping or eating. She’s started holding a lot of the anxiety in her body, since she’s become afraid of holding it in her brain. There was a time when staying home felt consistently safe to her, that’s not the case anymore.

It’s raining heavier now, they decide to head back. They walk over the mulch and the mud, she complains about her shoes. He doesn’t care as much.

The night’s precious to him, it always has been.