self – untitled atm

096b – the creative process of intimacy

I haven’t been writing (publicly) as much because all I can write about lately is love and romance. Anyone who knows me knows I’m deeply wary of the idea of being enmeshed with anyone else, especially romantic partners. And yet, these days I find myself wanting to spend all of my time with a specific person. She’s great and we both seem to be on the same page about most important things (including our own individual needs wrt alone time etc), and yet I do find my alone time not being as precious lately. It’s almost like I’m able to “recharge” with her and hence am able to do my “alone time” with her as well. Which.. I know it isn’t necessarily a bad thing— I’ve been in monogamous relationships before and they can be really pleasant— and just because they come with very strong, deep attachments doesn’t mean I have to be so fearful of them. But still, I know for sure that to retain my sense of myself, my individuality (which really, philosophically, I’m fully sure of wanting to do), I do need to remember what I like about my alone alone time.

Writing and music have been the two most important things over the last year, and to be fair to myself, I’ve been doing enough of the two, even if I’m not doing them publicly.

Still, I would like to continue to make my writing / journaling / blogging public, to the extent possible.

This actually feels really good too. Just the idea of writing things down and sharing them with the world does give me a sense of comfort and security. And this is important for me to note and regularly stay in touch with so I can do everything that I talked about earlier in the beginning of this post (ie retain and maintain my sense of self).

Something I’m more in touch with lately is a bit of the “crazy” and “weird” parts of me. Of course, calling them crazy and weird is a bit of a judgement, but perhaps I just mean the parts that maybe we’re not fully secure about, whether it’s because we carry internal judgement or whether society makes us that way, doesn’t really matter. Channeling all this becomes very important though. Of course most of us know creativity and art thrives on all of the parts of us that we’re not able to express through other ways. But to channel them successfully we need to make sure our routines around creative work are not falling apart. If I’m not writing everyday, for example, then even being in touch with part a or b will be useless. To create good stuff, or stuff we can be happy with, then, needs the following things—

a. being in touch with all sorts of feelings and parts of us,

b. routines wrt outlets and our creative practices,

c. the courage to express and the courage to share it or put it “out there”.

I suppose the process of intimacy (with another) and with the self looks the same in many ways then.

Anyway. Was this too rambly? I don’t think so. What am I saying? I’m saying that even though I haven’t been creating as much art as I may want to, I think I’m okay with it because I’m deepening my connection with someone, and that is, in many ways, the same thing as creating art (to me). The output, yes, is quite different, but for a while I think I’m okay to invest my time and bandwidth in the “creative process of love and romance”, and not just my existing preferred creative outlets.

Happy april, folks! xx

090a – indulgent february, need discipline again

I’ve had quite an indulgent week. Need to get back on track once I’m back to Delhi but choosing to write this word-vomit today so I can at least get one out of my 4-5 “healthy things I want to do” done. Have a few chores to do as well but I’m prioritising this. I’m going to time-box this so I don’t overthink it.

Was talking to sister yesterday about love etc. And how the healthy version of love now in my books does not equal devotion. Sure you might have moments of devotional feelings or a strong spiritual connection with someone but I don’t want to read into or take those feelings to be true.

How the healthy version of love doesn’t put the other person above my own self. I really want to be clear about these things before I enter any sort of a romantic relationship with anyone. Because once I get more intertwined enmeshed (and sometimes even codependent) all the rationality often goes out the window, at least for a bit. I want to make sure I have these things written down so I can come back to them when I forget how I like to “love” or be in love.

I was telling her that currently in my life there are two people I’m sometimes “really crazy about” and I’m actually pretty okay with that. These are my safe people. I can trust that I can be crazy about them and it won’t harm me. She asked me if I’m ever crazy about myself and don’t know actually. I know myself too well, I think. I do like myself a good amount on enough days but it’s hard to romanticise yourself.

Although I do have my moments, I won’t lie.

Addictions, emotions, thoughts, time and energy management is tough, I’m realising. Energy is definitely a limiting agent for me. I need to incorporate regular sleep and physical exercise so that it’s not SO challenging, as it has been this week.

[Todo] I’d like to engage more in photography again. And I’d like to join dance classes. And I’d like to learn music production also. Okay, there. I go back home and think about what to prioritise, if I can’t do it all. I think social is what I’ll need to cut, if I want to do more of these things. Maybe I’ll get social needs met from the activities themselves, potentially. Let’s see.

[Todo] I’m also reading and learning more about non-monogamy lately. I’m a little curious about it. Quite, actually. Need to carve out some more time for it.

Alright that’s it I think. This isn’t 500 words but ah well. Hope y’all are having a good start to February!

071 – find ways to get over yourself

I realised why I haven’t been feeling the same amount of satisfaction on my music account lately (as I used to earlier). It’s not about the validation or the lack thereof. It’s about the fact that I’ve been holding off, a bit. I enjoy the freedom I have on this blog, I really do.

But I think because more “known” people follow my music account, sometimes I tend to hold back. I should accept that my style is verbose. I’ve been trying to “play” a part. I wanted to appear a certain way. But I think I’m happiest when I’m posting as much as I want and in the ways that I want. That’s always going to be the primary purpose. Even when I have secondary and tertiary purposes (ie connection, more engagement, good “quality” work etc) the primary purpose is still sharing your art AND YOURSELF in the ways that YOU WANT. This is my account and it’s only tracking my journey.

Being verbose actually helps me a lot. It helps me free my mind of the clutter. I also have really fresh learnings from yesterday about how new ideas sometimes only come to me when I make space in my brain from them. This actually literally means thought-dumping in all the various ways I need. Yesterday, it looked like finishing a song (even though I didn’t end up happy with the “final” result— more on this another time), making a couple of covers, journaling a few times, going over some of my older stuff and taking it a bit forward (even when I couldn’t reach too far), and then going out and sharing some of my thoughts on all this with a couple friends too. (Luckily there were people around me who like talking about stuff like this.)

I think about my first really great software engineering internship experience. I had a superb mentor. He was great at most of the things I needed help with— code reviews, technical advice, prioritisation stuff, debugging— all the jazz. But do you know what he was excellent at? Teaching me how to get the fuck over myself. He didn’t phrase at this way. He was gentler about it, and I’m glad. One of the questions that I would ask him on a recurring basis was, “Oh should I just ask other people for help directly or should I spend time by myself on the thing before that?” As an intern or a new grad, some of us tend to be very afraid of bothering people. We tend to be afraid of looking stupid. And yes, there’s a balance to be struck with all this, I’m not saying you want to be the person who’s walking up to one person 20 times in a day. But here’s the thing: You want to get over yourself because the work that you’re doing is more important than you. If you zoom out, everyone you’re sharing the space with has a common purpose, and you have to trust that everyone around you will remember that as well. (I’m going to write more about this in a more structured way).

But the point is, my social media accounts are currently PRIMARILY there to serve me. If they can serve me, I can get better. If I can get better, I can perhaps come up with and share more ideas with the world. Maybe there are people who are naturally able to directly serve others. But for me, serving myself is the only way I’m able to serve others.

So, I’m going to do this. I’m going to post more on my music account in the ways that I want to. Not hold back, because I don’t want to follow a template. I want to be my verbose, journey-loving, process-loving self on there. Whatever people think about that, I’ll leave that up to them.

Because if I really had to be succinct about my goals on my music journey (and really all creative journeys) at the moment, they’re just:

Making a lot of things
Understanding myself better

—

Anyway, that’s that. I’m a little hungover from going out (and drinking a lot) last night so that’s going to be it on all that. I’ve been feeling a few unpleasant feelings since I woke up today so maybe I’ll just share those and get rid of them.

I don’t like this feeling that comes when you’re hungover. I don’t want it. So I’m going to make it a point to stop at 2-3 drinks OR if I really do cross my limits, I really need to make sure to hydrate before I go to sleep. Definitely don’t want to be doing the early 20s kind of drinking anymore.
I also get triggered when I see too many couples doing couple things and I want to find a better cope for this.
I got a rejection from a portal for online tutoring that I’d applied to. It’s only a small bummer by itself but it opens up a bigger question. Obviously, part of me wanted this perhaps a bit “easily”. If I want to apply to a few places (or a few times) then I really need to decide whether this is the thing that makes the most sense for me to “try properly”. [for part-time paid work]
There’s a friendship I’m lowkey struggling with. We’ve been sufficiently close friends since college and this is perhaps one of those friendships where I feel close and intimate enough with the person to share a variety of stuff and we have a good amount of fun together and yet there’s something missing. Maybe I just want more quality time. Or more attention. I don’t know what it is exactly, and this is quite interesting. I gotta come back to this.

040a – connecting with myself

Haven’t written one of these in a while. Been going through a lot of stuff lately, not eventfully but feelings wise, but as a result I’ve finally gotten back into a little bit of working out that I’d completely given up for almost the last 6 months. So I did some good amount just now and I’m feeling spent. Post-workout clarity has also allowed myself to cancel a thing I was kind of dreading so I have the rest of the day free now.

The last 2-3 days have been pretty decent though, and the week overall too. Though I think my social life can be a little better and a little more fulfilling, overall not much to complain about these days. It’s getting a little less cold outside as well so that’s been a major pick-me-up. Creatively, I feel better too. Been writing a little bit and clicking pictures again, and that always makes me feel super nice.

Really wanna make the most of this place and the people in the next two months so I can feel somewhat satisfied with my time here. (ie Amsterdam)

Anyway, something that was coming up a lot in the couple weeks before the one that just went by was a lot of feelings of loneliness and isolation. Some of it was just coming by due to not enough daytime plans and not enough socialisation in general, but I think of some of it was just my own. Something that came up in therapy is how feeling disconnected from even myself can cause this. And that feels true, as I’ve finally incorporated a little more physical activity and movement in my own routine, I’m feeling more connected with myself again. (This was what I knew I needed, this could of course differ for you)

One other thing I’ve been trying to do more of is learn more about art, what it is, how important it is to me and the world, etc etc. And I’ve talked about this before but I think a question that often comes up for me is whether there’s a difference between art and entertainment. (This comes up because personally I like to think about whether something I’m putting out in the world is just entertaining or whether it serves a bigger purpose. And while I don’t deny that entertainment does have its own value, I do think art is a little different.) But I finally found my answer with this quote by Erik Hoel: Entertainment, etymologically speaking, means “to maintain, to keep someone in a certain frame of mind.” Art, however, changes us. I’m sure there’s a lot of research on these two concepts and how they tie together, I’m sure a lot of people have different opinions about this, but for me, I think I agree with this idea that not all entertainment can be “art”. Stumbled upon this quote from Brody Deschanel’s channel, which itself has some really well-researched and well written video essays on a variety of topics.

So, to recap:

Had a few lonely and isolating weeks, realised that connection with myself can be a good solution too, when I can’t always hang out with other people.
Entertainment and art are both valuable, but I think art serves a bigger purpose than entertainment.

022 – achieve flow in self-exploration

Yesterday someone told me how “no sleep is better than the sleep you’re not supposed to be sleeping”. We were talking about whether I’m enjoying writing only when I’m escaping into it, or whether I can enjoy it even when I have ample time to do it. So here I am trying to enjoy writing even when I have a couple days off coming up, starting tomorrow.

There’s a few things on my mind, cigarettes and shame, for starters. Shame about cigarettes and smoking, to be clear. But I don’t know if I want to think about it or elaborate on it. The other thing on my mind is loneliness. I don’t know if I want to think about it, either. They could be related, possibly. Maybe it’s smoking alone that’s shameful. It’s definitely easier when you do it with company. Maybe it’s the alienating aspect of it that brings shame sometimes.

I’m definitely getting distracted by loud talking voices coming from outside my room. Music doesn’t help either, since it’s quite distracting also. I never understand how people are able to work or do mental tasks alongside of music. Even instrumental music can be distracting for me, more often than not. Trying not to pick my phone up every five minutes.

Was thinking about how it’s insane that I was doubting my ability do code. I have proofs from various systems that I can, I am “employed” as a software engineer. And yet, imposter syndrome + anxiety had got me doubting myself so intensely. Even if I’m not a “star” programmer, I’m okay. Feels good to see it again.

Whenever I get stuck in the middle of any of these posts, I end up checking the word count. I don’t think it’s a great habit, since it can be discouraging more often than not. It’s like checking results in the middle of an experiment. Should perhaps take into account the problems that come up with the observer effect. I know this isn’t exactly the same thing but it feels like it.

What is loneliness? Can a textual or video conversation resolve it? Can it be broken down into other feelings? I know intellectual starvation was one. Lack of people who understand you and care about you is another. Lack of people you are interested in, could be another too. I think part of loneliness resolution is having enough people you’re curious about. With tons of information coming at us every minute, maybe we forget who we intentionally want to hear and know about. Maybe when there aren’t enough people around me arousing my curiosity, I could make myself the subject. Maybe I can achieve flow in self-exploration. Maybe it’s the right amount of challenging and interesting. And we all know that we are equipped enough to do it.

Recently read a bit about flow again. Saw a video that mentioned how people who achieve significant periods of flow in a day can be happier. I think I’m definitely able to achieve flow with programming, and photography, and writing. For the last few days, I’ve managed to spend 3-4 hours at least, at work, “in the zone”. But it’s not as satisfactory, I feel. My main motivation to get my work done is just that – to get the work done. To reduce the stress and worries. But my motivation with photography and writing is often more positive. Of course, I know the relationship could change if I were doing these things to earn money or make a living, but so far, I don’t need to worry about that. I suppose it’s okay to notice that there’s a difference, at least currently.

I want to explore film photography. There’s so much to research, though. It’s daunting. I really don’t love the research part of things.

Alright, going to keep this short. I enjoyed this. I think I can be happier when I keep reflecting a little bit from time to time. I love uncovering the strongest thoughts and feelings, the ones that persist across hours and days, and are significant enough to come out even when they’re completely unrelated to everything else that I’ve been thinking and talking about so far. The need for an outlet is quite real.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s a thing such as too much self-awareness? Is that possible? Are there downsides to it? Both the therapists I’ve had in the past have often told me I’m quite self-aware. Some of my friends have often told me that too. And I think most people have meant it as a compliment. But I wonder what I feel when I hear it. I think a part of me relates it to narcissism and/or being self-absorbed.
Looked up a few articles. Couldn’t really find any clear downsides apart from potential over-thinking and over-analyzing. Joke’s on you, article – I already do that anyway.

It’s crazy how on the one hand I feel sad about how I don’t know what I like who I like what I want and on the other hand I worry about too much self-awareness. Just goes to show how much nothing is worth believing.

Well, I didn’t actually end up keeping this short. I’m happy, though. Got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Excited about the outside time I’m planning to get. Maybe it’ll give rise to another post. Or maybe it’ll just be a nice day by itself. Thinking of treating hours and days as opportunities. Time, in general. I suppose. An opportunity to be curious and authentic and brave.