Tag: skills

076 – music journey // pt 2

 Most recent previous explorations: Here 

When you obsess over something, not getting it is a deeply painful experience. Sometimes I wish I could approach all my goals from a place of security ie the soul. I know that obsession makes for good (and potentially great) work but I don’t know. The things I’m doing lately are dependent on so many external factors that being obsessive about them isn’t helping that much. 

There’s also many frustrations that have been coming in the way of writing, recording covers (or music) and just general focus. 

— 

I finally found a window of a couple hours and was able to record the stuff I’d been wanting to. I’m getting separation anxiety at the thought of being away from my digital keyboard (ie piano / idk what to call it) for the next 5 whole days and I’m going to really miss it. I’ve realised I really like the sound of keys and I don’t know why I hadn’t started learning it earlier. What was I doing? HMM. 

I’ve been a little obsessed with self-growth and it’s been happening and it feels really great and maybe I don’t want to stop. I mean I want to keep up this pace. Maybe even want it to be a bit faster, actually. 

I’ve also found some answers to the “sharing your ideas on social media” conflict. I used to get really disappointed earlier if the expected engagement with something didn’t match the actual engagement, but I’m getting at better at understanding my own reasons for “still sharing the thing anyway”. I’m realising that I do eventually need to shift to streaming platforms (or at least add them in the mix). At the end of the day, I really want to share the sounds and test whether people want to listen to them or not. I’ve been a little lazy and procrastinatey about this because recording is a bit of a hassle (or I worry about the quality a lot) but I guess at some point I really just have to suck it up and get to it. 

I do need to streamline some of my processes though so I need to make some space for that as well. Actually, maybe that’s the major thing I need to work on this week, understanding my overheads and seeing if I can reduce any of them. 

The overhead problem will have to be approached from a very “work”-based lens. I know I don’t enjoy that aspect of the creative process but maybe I need to do it anyway. I’ve to wrap up “today” in a couple of hours since I’m headed to my parents’ place for the rest of the week.

I also had this thought the other day that I still haven’t been able to decide whether I want to focus more on music stuff or writing stuff. Obviously, songwriting could be the best way to combine both these longings but I don’t think my original music (ie the melody stuff) is very good yet. (I do think my lyrics are decent.) 

I’ve also been really appreciating poetry and song lyrics a lot more so I want to take some time out to do an assessment of my creative family tree (as Austin Kleon calls it). The idea is to study the people who inspire you. I may also not need to separate these out by interest area, since we’re just targeting people directly. (But yes I’d wanna think about writing, music, songwriting, all of it.) 

I’m realising that I do self-regulate a bit with fantasy and that’s probably not very healthy. Need to tackle the addiction of thinking (chatter-thinking) at some point. Or like, on a day-to-day basis. 

I think I want to reflect on music journey a little bit for the rest of this word-vomit. Because there’s too many threads open now in this area and maybe I need to evaluate a little more at this point so I can walk more deliberately. 

  • Been singing and playing (off and on, ie as a very non-serious hobby, but something I did always enjoy a lot) for more than ten years now (14 years, actually). First 5-6 years was just singing and playing by myself. Very occasionally sharing some recordings (covers) with very close friends. Was probably growing at a very slow pace but again, that’s just an unnecessary judgement. 

  • College was when I started singing and playing with people a little more. I was still extremely shy about it all and never really liked my voice that much so it was another four years of relatively slow growth. But I was listening to a lot of music, experiencing a lot of social, people-based experiences so it was all fuel for what is overall the creative process. 

  • Grad school— Another 1.5 years of primarily singing and playing by myself. Grad school was a very tough life phase so I can’t really blame myself. But— started my social media account towards the end of grad school ie started sharing some of it with more people. 

  • Next four years were great, found people to regularly sing and jam with. Started jamming and covering songs with a lot more people. Got much better at not thinking about “quality” ie got more confident. Started vocals lessons, was posting a lot more on social media as well. Started learning keys and drums too! Also started composing original stuff (albeit very rarely). Have been to a couple open-mics and now and also want to jam, collab and perform a little more. 

  • I’m here, now. 

How do I feel about all this? I feel pretty proud, actually. I like that I have a better relationship with my voice now. I also like that I have a better relationship with my feelings (which are generally major fodder for all this). I do want a better relationship with my self-image since that can come in the way of “publicly” singing/performing a bit. I’m also not very good at “marketing” and promotion stuff and maybe I need to get better at this. (This will involve first addressing why I don’t like the idea of self-marketing etc.)

Okay, I think this is good enough for now. The rest is literally just sitting and transferring all of this to an actionable list, which I will definitely do over the next couple days. 

Onward! 

045b – gratitude + journeys

I am absolutely in love with the world today. I don’t know if it’s because my dad did a really cool ally thing* today morning or because a cute girl called me cute on Bumble or because I took the metro to go somewhere after ages of being fed up about traffic and the (perceived) lack of public transport in Delhi** or because I spotted (and bought) a super cool t-shirt at Uniqlo which gave me major gender euphoria (and general euphoria) and made me feel like I have great taste or because I had a nice time hanging out with this really close friend of mine or because… just. It’s probably all the things, not just one of them. 

Regardless, it’s a happy day. 

Overall, more good days than bad days over the last month. And that’s really great.

Having time for your emotions and ideas is really great. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go back to the constrained ways of living. I mean, I still practice “discipline” a little bit, I haven’t let everything run amok. But I don’t think I can do the 9-5 routine thing anytime soon. 

I like the idea of having “certain things” that you do do everyday. Like I like playing online Catan and having cold coffee for breakfast each morning (or noon, when I wake up). I like watching a little bit of good TV with some good food sometime in the day. I like reading, I like doing at least one creative thing (painting, singing, writing). And lastly, I like some physical exercise (workout at home or preferably a walk outside). I do like having these set things that I do do, almost daily. But I don’t like having “fixed” times around them. Or I don’t want a compulsion around any of this. 

I love the journey. Some (very few) of my thoughts (very tiny thoughts) lately have been in colours. And images. I really like that. It’s like learning a new language. And then to truly learn a skill would be to directly be able to think in this different language as well. Because, sure, translations are important. But the real magic I think will happen when your consciousness directly receives these thoughts and feelings (from inside you) in this different language. (Think words, melodies, colours, movements, sounds as the “different languages”.)

Anyway, I’m not high. Point is, the universe is great, life is precious, routinely activities are nice, and learning a skill is like learning a language, and if you’re lucky, you get to enjoy the journey. 

*cool ally thing: he forwarded me dates of a pride march that his company is doing in various cities 

**public transport in Delhi is actually pretty decent, compared to some other cities in India. But of course, my latest point of comparison is the Netherlands, which is hard to beat, so I hope I can be excused. 

042 – my relationship(s) with various art forms

I have a long weekend this weekend (really long, 4 days) and I’m currently on Day 2 of it. I wanted to take some time to out to reflect on.. well, what the title says. 

Writing 

This is my go-to choice of expression. While I don’t do “creative” writing as such, I’m pretty comfortable with my relationship with this. I regularly journal, blog, share small posts on instagram, and enjoy doing it. I generally mostly think in words, and there’s little-to-no inertia from a thought entering my brain to me putting it out on paper if I want to.

If I could improve on anything, that’d be working on more poetry + sharing it, long-form blogs so I can improve my ability to stick to a single topic or related topics. Eventually, I’d maybe want to write a book, if I ever come up with enough material for something that’s worth writing about / sharing with the world. 

Photography 

I really enjoy this as well. I like the activity, I’m also able to come up with enough “original”ish compositions, and I feel secure in how I’m able to use this as a form of expression. I like the idea of mixing aesthetics and meaning and I feel like I’m able to find a balance with this. I’m also comfortable with and enjoy sharing my pictures, and that’s always a good sign. 

I like clicking pictures more than I like consuming photos, but I like consuming them enough that I never lack inspiration. 

If I could improve on anything, I’d probably want to invest in some more lenses / a better camera, go out and do more photowalks (like I used to earlier), setup pipelines to explore selling prints, and try to find paid gigs or opportunities for collaboration. 

Music

This is the tough one. I think (or feel) that I enjoy this the most, more than writing or photography or painting. But I think the “problem” is that I’ve only ever been playing and singing covers all my life. Although over the last couple years I’ve somewhat started to experiment with making some original melodies but it’s been very slow, and very minimal. And I don’t think I enjoy making original music as much as I enjoy making original write-ups or photos. So the “originality” is where I get stuck on this.

And I don’t understand the differences very well. Like I don’t know what would be the equivalent of a “cover” when it comes to writing. Maybe narrating a poetry I really like? Yeah I suppose. And I can imagine that being pleasurable as well, of course. I think it’s a numbers thing. I’ve probably written like at least 500 original essays (including journaling) in my life, so that comes naturally to me. With original melodies, I’m at like 10 or something. So yes, this one’s tough. But I want to commit to this, and increase my numbers on original pieces. And then see where I’m at. Will also want to resume vocal lessons, and probably invest in either guitar / keyboard lessons. 

Painting / Digital Art 

This one is fairly new for me. I did this a lot as a kid and last year I tried getting back into this. I really really enjoy it, it’s satisfactory on a deep level. However, I do think that this is the one activity out of the 4 where I enjoy the results more than the process. I’m not super sure if I enjoy the process yet. I also feel a lot of inertia with getting the paint supplies + water etc ready to start working on something new. So I don’t know, I’m still learning how I feel about this one. Again, like with music, investing in classes would probably be the best course of action if I want to explore this more. 

— 

Since these are the main things I want to spend the next few months doing, going forward it’ll be nice to have a quick evaluation method for how everything’s going. I think the characteristics I majorly covered in the sections above are the following: 

Enjoyment 

  • How much do I enjoy the activity in general? 
  • Do I like the process or just the results? 
  • Am I wanting to be someone or do I genuinely enjoy the “doing”?

Originality 

  • Am I able to be somewhat original? 
  • Even if I am making copies, am I able to add my own touch to them? 
  • Am I able to express myself, my emotions? 

Ease, Comfort 

  • What is the general ease, logistical ease like? 
  • Am I able to pull numbers, am I able to engage regularly? 

Sharing 

Collaboration 

Monetary Viability 

  • This may or may not be important (or consequential), but it’s not irrelevant. 

— 

Wrote an almost 1000-word post after quite a while. Feeling good about it. Engagement is crucial. An obvious step after reflection would be goal-setting but I don’t feel like doing that at the moment. But I will, soon-ish. Let me know in the comments if I missed out on any important evaluative aspects! 🙂 

034b – art v/s. skills

Alright, it’s been a while since I’ve written, it’s due. 

Life’s been interesting, now that I think about it. I consumed some pot, so I’m pretty active. Plus, I slept in the day, so I’m pretty active. 

I’ve got this .. problem? of sorts. I feel quite all over the place, when it comes to practicing art lately. I’ve found that I enjoy 4-5 forms quite a lot – music (guitar, learning keys, singing), digital drawing, writing (poetry, blog..kind formats, and comedy-sketches-typeof things.) 

Soo let’s break this down into pieces. 

Why is this a problem? Is it a problem? Well, I got limited time. If I’m spending 4-5 hours of my free time on 2-3 different things (ideas) everyday, that’s probably making me inefficient / suboptimal. In terms of.. well, output, as well skill development. 

One counter to this could definitely be increased organization. If I’m spending some time on structure and logging, I could probably reduce the overhead caused by context-switches etc. Alright well, I organized my notes directories. I’m actually pretty happy with it! I have deep faith in organizational tools, and making time for them. 

Anyway, coming back to the problem breakdown. The deeper philosophical question: why is reduced output or reduced efficiency bad? What are my personal motivations behind creation or art, and what am I losing out on, then?
I think I have talked about this before, but for me there are two primary purposes of art:
1. expression, and 2. connection.
There could also be some secondary purposes. One (perhaps) is skill development. 

The expression part, I think I’m good with. My natural self is able to find enough time and ways to handle that. So what remains is connection. And maybe a bit of skill development. 

I think.. the connection part also, I’m good with. What remains then, is just this wish to be more.. skilled? But not sure of the reasons for it. Until my skills (or the lack thereof) are being a hindrance to what I want to express, I shouldn’t need to worry about skill development. Okay, I’m good with that conclusion.

To recap, one: I start being a little more organized. Which means: taking more notes, finding time for regular structure updates, setting weekly or monthly goals. (Also I noticed as I started filling up some of the docs, that as with tasks etc, my perception is probably pretty bad. The number of ideas or whatever I have in my head aren’t actually as much as I think I do, at a given point in time.) two: I reduce worrying about skills and where I’m at in those individual journeys. I recognize (or acknowledge) that that’s more of a distracting thought. I don’t need to know all the scales before I can express myself with music. I don’t need to be good at Procreate before I can express myself with drawings. Etc.

Onward!