Tag: stability

079a – rest & recovery (2)

Slept a lot today, woke up towards the tail-end of the afternoon after a very long time. I think sleep, a little bit of laziness and slothness are my primary vices at the moment. I’m not being too hard on myself since it’s December and the anxiety medication has a role to play in the added sleepiness as well, but sleep schedule has always been a problem for me so I don’t want to let it get too out of hand. Getting a good amount of daylight is very important since it really messes up a lot of routinely things. Social commitments, chores, and of course general mood and feelings. 

I think I’m ready to start moving towards some stability soon. Which means I’ll have to start looking for part-time work even though I don’t know what kind I want. I think I’m now in the state where creative pursuits can be pursued in parallel, and I don’t need to devote all my waking time to them. 

Spoke to a close friend today about some of the stuff I’ve been avoiding and she was super supportive, it was quite nice to receive reassurance and comfort about some of the things I’ve been really fearful of. Resistance towards experimentation, exploration and potential change. But she was of the belief that exploration is worthwhile and can really get you closer to your true, real self and it is generally worth it, even if it’s tough. We’ll see, I guess. 

I don’t think I have a lot to write/vomit about today so I’ll keep this one short. What are my intentions for December? I think health is primary and I’ve probably mentioned this before. I was feeling pretty stuck musically but I’ve been getting melody ideas again so that’s nice. I do need to come back to songs and summon some discipline though so I can complete some of these ideas I have. I don’t know why it becomes so tough in certain weeks. I had a nice couple weeks in November when I was wrapping up a lot of loose threads, I’d love to be able to operate the same way again. I guess I just need to get over myself and do it. But can you really gaslight yourself into doing things? I don’t know. I’ll find out, I’ll make some time post-dinner today. 

Community stuff has been nice, I’ve met some nice people lately and also been spending more pleasant time with parents and old friends who keep visiting. Winters makes everything a little tougher but I guess there aren’t a lot of good solutions for this. Maybe I just invest in better clothing though. 

Alright so what are my priorities for this week and the next? 

  • Wrap up a couple songs (at least first drafts) 
  • Get some health related tasks done 
  • Continue writing word-vomits if not essays 
  • Maybe make some time for dating if I can 

Sounds good enough, I’ll write later! 

061b – on the long-term goal of healing and being more well-adjusted

Sometimes all you need (or want) is for someone to tell you “It’ll all be okay”. I’ve been feeling pretty shitty since the last couple days, but just now as I reached this conclusion, I do feel better. Like yes, I know from past experience that things do work out and things do feel okay, eventually, even if that “okayness” doesn’t come in the form you might have thought it will. 

Even though I’ve tried to be more action-oriented over the week, I still have this feeling that I’ve been spending way too much time in my head, I don’t know how to describe it exactly. 

Went for a poetry workshop/slam type thing yesterday and I feel like that really ended up overstimulating/overwhelming me. (It was great! And met some really cool people! So) Very fulfilling, but yeah I feel like these kind of events can end up becoming heavy sometimes. Especially if I already had too many feelings going into the thing. 

I think I’m still adjusting and getting comfortable with “Delhi”. I’d started feeling gloomy randomly around 6pm yesterday when I realised it was dark already and that it must be getting kind of cold outside (it’s started to get a bit chilly here). So, yeah, I think the adjustment can be a pain. No, it’s most definitely a pain. 

I think I’m at a decent state with the nicotine addiction now. It’s been a month and although I’ve had a couple slips, they didn’t end up being relapses, and I feel like mentally, I’m still okay with the concept, don’t feel the urges as often, and can mostly remind myself that I would hate to relapse— so, let’s not. 

But because life is still incredibly hard and I feel far away from being a self-adjusted individual, I know I need to seriously start thinking about which addiction to tackle next: ie my unhealthy sleeping habits, “thinking”, or caffeine. Sleep has definitely made life hell over the last couple days so ideally I should focus on this, even if it’s not fully resolved, if I can even make it a little better for the “short-term”, that could be nice. The other motivation to want to do this is that with the onset of actual winters, getting enough sun will not be easy, so needing a good sleep schedule will become extra important.

The lack of a “job” has started to feel a little heavy this week. But I feel like that’s just the resistance showing up, because this week has been mostly feeling a lot more motivated about spending time on creative work. And although I don’t deny that I’d want to find a day-job sometime next year as well, I don’t know why my brain wants me to “urgently” worry about it, when there’s no need to. So yeah, I think that’s the resistance. (“Resistance” as described in “Do The Work”)

Anyway, writing this down was nice and helpful. Hope your weekend starts off better than mine!