support – untitled atm

100a – may updates

Back from travels, it was all surprisingly nice. The travel anxieties didn’t hit me as hard as they generally do and the pros (like weather, good landscapes, the general mountainside peace and quiet) was very very worth the little bit inconvenience of the actual “traveling”. Of course, this was also my “first trip” with Y and so I’m quite happy to record that it was all quite smooth.

Being back in Delhi has been quite unpleasant even though it’s just been slightly over 24 hours. The weather is just absolutely horrendous, it’s quite intolerably hot. I really don’t know how people are continuing to function business as usual, and why we’re even expected to. It’s supposed to get better by the end of this week, though, and I’m hoping to god that’s true.

There are sufficient things to look forward to in June, though, so I’m just going to attempt to focus on those for now. Mom’s birthday is coming up, another short trip with friends, plans with Y and her brother, maybe another open-mic or something if the weather gets a bit better— yeah I suppose that’s it for now.

I also want to do more reading and writing, but really, I find myself at a loss of things to write about. It almost feels like nothing else is worth writing or talking about with everything that’s happening in the world. I find that I feel more this way whenever I visit social media, which, in certain ways is good, I suppose, there are benefits to “spreading the word”, but I also feel that sometimes I just end up feeling very restricted. That it would perhaps seem insensitive to speak about anything else at all. This feeling comes up quite often, every time something tragic happens, the news takes over all of social media, and then you do feel insensitive for talking about other things. But I don’t know, I haven’t found a solution to this yet.

My apartment situation has been a bit troublesome and I’ve been feeling some anxiety about how my landlord may not renew my lease, but hasn’t told me about it so far. I think it’s all a bit unfair but I also don’t know if there’s much (if anything) in my control. If they decide to not renew it they ideally do need to tell me in a couple days more at most, so I’m just counting on that. It’ll be quite a bother to move at this time but I have to, I’d rather know about it sooner than later.

Overall, quite upset with how much power differences there are in the world. Capitalism, eh?

Hopefully June will be better than May was, I guess.

I’d also like to learn to be content and happier about the things that are right than be upset about what’s not. Like they say, I’d learn to focus on the positives. I don’t know. It’s tougher than it used to be. I have a good emotional support circle (including friends, family, a really great partner), I am financially okay, and I am in relatively decent health. (Knock on wood). I have creative pursuits that fulfil me emotionally and intellectually, I suppose that’s enough to celebrate?

Then what do I feel that feels so difficult to face? Why do the troubles feel bigger than everything that’s good? I’m not sure. This may be the first time in many weeks that writing about these things doesn’t seem to solve them, either. Could it be that I’m avoiding something else? I know I want to look for work post September, and I know I don’t want to do that right now for sure, yet, I think it does bring up a certain amount of anxiety to think that maybe I’m delaying the search for work for peace and relaxation. Maybe it’s because my music lessons are also paused at the moment so I feel like I may be officially “wasting my time”. Yeah, I think that’s it. Guess I can find something actionable in here.

Okay, that’s it for now from me. Hope y’all are having a decent end to this month! Cheers xx

089b – on balancing love and learning

Haven’t word-vomited in a few days. Have many thoughts. Been socially busy, but it’s been nice. But also a bit over-stimulating. Need calmness. I’ve also smoked quite a bit over the last few days and haven’t worked at all and I’m definitely not happy about that. Need to go back to reading Allen Carr.

Giving all of my attentive time to sentient beings feels quite nice, almost a bit addictive, but I’d like to be more careful with it. I noticed a white hair on my head today and although I’m not TOO worried, it definitely is a little uncomfortable. For this and adjacent reasons, I’d like to go back to prioritising health over pleasure.

Lots of people in my universe lately. I’d like to preserve my energy and attention, however. Since sometimes it becomes hard to recover from persistent feelings of being spread too thin.

January is about to end and February first-half is busy with friends but I’d like to plan work-goals for the second half of February so I don’t regret spending all my time on social things. I read a quote (can’t find it right now) which talks about how loving and learning are the two most important things in life. Because they are the two experiences you will likely not regret in life, regardless of how they come to you. I think I’m fairly aligned with this, at least for 2024.

So I just need to balance love (social) and learning (work) for the next few months. In the chase for secure love and attention, I do not want to put myself, my needs, my goals, my ambition behind. My relationship with myself still needs to be the most important relationship in my life.

There’s a quote by Rilke which goes: “And you must be indulgent with the answer, which will perhaps often leave you empty-handed; for ultimately, and precisely in the deepest and most important matters, we are unspeakably alone; and many things must happen, many things must go right, a whole constellation of events must be fulfilled, for one human being to successfully advise or help another.”

I quite like this. Something I’m attempting to do a lot more and live by is to “not put all my eggs in one basket” when it comes to people. I think the urge to find all answers and all peace in singular people has been quite harmful for me in the past. Safety, reliability, having your needs met (through and with other people) are very valid pursuits, but they need to be done mindfully.

Ah, I suppose that’s the theme of this whole word-vomit. How to give, take, love without getting too attached. Or how to practice connected detachment, I suppose.

I am a romantic and that’s okay and that’s great but I’d like to continue to be wary of romanticisation. I think it’s good and healthy.

Pillars have to be multi-fold. A single pillar cannot take the load of my depth. And that’s okay too.

054a – life is tough but i’m having a lot of fun

Thoughts have gotten a little tough since the first of the month.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I moved to an apartment a few days ago, and transitioning + the amount of maintenance work to be done has completely killed the little productivity I had in me. I don’t know whether I had unrealistic expectations wrt moving, like maybe realistic expectations would have been accepting that adjustment does take some time, regardless of how comfortable or convenient you might have imagined the setup to have been.

My parents have been quite helpful with the move actually, and that for some reason has been introducing some guilt in me as well. Even though part of why I’d originally picked Delhi over other cities (like Mumbai or Bangalore) was literally that I have more support and resources available here. Not sure why then, when it comes to leaning on the support and resources, I feel conflicted. It might partly be because I’m more used to leaning on friends, etc. and maybe a part of me somewhere believes I need to be more “independent” as an adult. Maybe I feel like it’s kiddish to lean on parents for support. Part of me just feels guilty for taking their time and energy on things I can (I think) do by myself, even if I’d probably do them much slower if I were completely on my own.

Essentially, August feels like it’s not going to be very productive in terms of personal goals etc. (This may not end up being true, but currently it feels that way). Although I know that moving by itself was a big personal goal, so maybe— just maybe— it might be fine if I don’t “achieve” other things this month.

I do have a few music goals I still want to try to achieve this month, however. Main problem is they’re dependent on me having a decent work-setup (with a desk and mic). Maybe I can prioritise that this coming week.

I came to my parents’ house for the weekend and earlier was very annoyed at the prospect (thinking it’ll take away my whole weekend and that I have things to do etc) but it’s actually been quite nice. The fact that I’m here writing this post because I finally maybe feel “comfortable” enough to write is also saying something. It’s saying that I do need to make sure to get the setup I need as soon as possible. I’ll also get to do a drums class tomorrow so that’ll be nice, hopefully.

I feel like I’ve been focused on the fun stuff more than anything, and that’s the primary reason I’ve been feeling guilt about productivity etc. Like I’m legit enjoying life a lot at the moment (even with all its tough parts), but that makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Like.. I don’t deserve this, for some reason. I don’t know, maybe I can focus more on this in the next post. Can’t get into the whole thing right now. Should sleep.

052a – daily adventures in my city

It’s raining cats and dogs. There’s a 2-hour traffic jam on both sides of the road, it’d be completely stupid to take an auto or a cab to get to where I want to go. My destination is only slightly over a kilometre away. But I know the walking route is not very well-built, a friend had once tried to walk the same route to get to my place and had informed me of its quality. She’d arrived at my place, very flustered, exclaiming “never again”, even though that was during a relatively better-weather month. I’m very unsure of what I’m about to do, but I’m going for my first drums class, and I don’t want to cancel it. I’ve been looking forward to it the whole day today.

I start walking. It’s not that bad. I’ve got my worn-and-torn shoes on, and there’s enough people doing the same walk I’m doing, dodging the same puddles, using the same stones and bricks for support that I am. Who needs to go to Yosemite when you have this easy-moderate hike right next door to you, I think. I had stopped liking this type of humour for quite a while, but when you start living in India, it’s hard to not to be a bit sardonic sometimes. I’ve grown up in Mumbai, I should be able to do this, I think. But I don’t put my earphones on because I need all my brain-power and focus to not get more mud on myself than I need to. I cover half the route without any major problems. But then the pedestrians start to disappear. I’m a little worried, though I know even in the worst-case scenario, it’ll be like a half-kilometre stretch. There’s a lot more honking. The sidewalk ends abruptly, but I see a man continuing to walk himself and his bike amongst the puddles and the traffic coming from the opposite side. I quickly decide to follow him since I think he might be someone who does this on a daily basis. I feel lucky to have found support before I have the time to regret this stupid walk. He looks behind and catches my eye, we both sigh and then simultaneously smile, frustrated by the weather and the state of our surroundings. I’ve seen Parasite, I know that environmental disasters (big or small) affect the (financially) underprivileged so much more than they affect me.

But right now, purely in this particular moment, we are in the same situation. And I know that our destinations may be vastly different (mine was recreation, his might have been work, I don’t know), but at least in this ten-minute journey, he seems as glad as I feel to have the company.