thoughts – untitled atm

096a – cyclical longings

Want to write but I don’t know if I have anything to write about today. Not like I haven’t experienced this before and I know that once you start you do generally tend to find things to write about. I did some organisation today and I feel good, albeit a little tired. Made a todo list for the week as well so I’m feeling good about it.

I think I’m going to go ahead and participate in the music school open mic that’s coming up, it would make sense to do it— even though I wasn’t feeling completely upto it until now, but I think that’s just me running away from the discomfort of the thing. I’ve canceled an upcoming Bangalore trip to work on the things I need to work on, and I think that’s the right decision for me. I do have things to wrap up here which I should pay attention to.

Need to plan travels upcoming in the summer, have been procrastinating on that quite a bit. Once I wrap up a teaching project that I have on my hands right now I can start thinking about work, I think it’s starting to give me some anxiety now.* Also thinking of reducing therapy to twice a month or thrice instead of my current cadence which is weekly. Would be nice to save some funds and I don’t think I need it as strongly anymore. The caveat is that I don’t want to fall (back) into any addictions because of this.

Something I realised recently that I’m really happy about is how little I think of my self image anymore. Someone asked me (from a card game) whether I think the image I have of me is similar to how others see me— and I realised that I don’t really have an image of me. I mean, sure, I have certain things— ie I like to think of myself as creative, joyful, interesting in connections, interested in love, maybe a little non-conformist, INFP, sensitive, empathetic, communicative— okay, well, maybe I do have an image of myself. What’s changed then? Maybe the image I have of me is more “true” to me, then. And hence it doesn’t create much conflict in me anymore. Or the image I have of me is related to my inner self and not things related to my outer (physical) self. Yeah, I suppose that could be it.

I was missing Amsterdam quite a bit today, and really I’ve been missing it throughout this week, actually. It’s nice that I’m going to visit in July, it’ll be a good refresher on whether I actually miss it or whether I just miss the good parts.

*In slightly over a month I complete a year to my “break” and while I’m not financially constrained yet, I do think it would make more sense to now join something, something I can be a part of as opposed to just doing things by myself. It’s undoubtable that we can get more “done” or we can create more value when collaborating with others. It’s almost stupid to think we can do something of value purely by ourselves. And at this point, it makes sense to join something even if I don’t know what path I want to take. I think the path will show itself to me the more I “do” things.

Alright, that’s about it for now. Wish you all a great end to March! xx

089b – on balancing love and learning

Haven’t word-vomited in a few days. Have many thoughts. Been socially busy, but it’s been nice. But also a bit over-stimulating. Need calmness. I’ve also smoked quite a bit over the last few days and haven’t worked at all and I’m definitely not happy about that. Need to go back to reading Allen Carr.

Giving all of my attentive time to sentient beings feels quite nice, almost a bit addictive, but I’d like to be more careful with it. I noticed a white hair on my head today and although I’m not TOO worried, it definitely is a little uncomfortable. For this and adjacent reasons, I’d like to go back to prioritising health over pleasure.

Lots of people in my universe lately. I’d like to preserve my energy and attention, however. Since sometimes it becomes hard to recover from persistent feelings of being spread too thin.

January is about to end and February first-half is busy with friends but I’d like to plan work-goals for the second half of February so I don’t regret spending all my time on social things. I read a quote (can’t find it right now) which talks about how loving and learning are the two most important things in life. Because they are the two experiences you will likely not regret in life, regardless of how they come to you. I think I’m fairly aligned with this, at least for 2024.

So I just need to balance love (social) and learning (work) for the next few months. In the chase for secure love and attention, I do not want to put myself, my needs, my goals, my ambition behind. My relationship with myself still needs to be the most important relationship in my life.

There’s a quote by Rilke which goes: “And you must be indulgent with the answer, which will perhaps often leave you empty-handed; for ultimately, and precisely in the deepest and most important matters, we are unspeakably alone; and many things must happen, many things must go right, a whole constellation of events must be fulfilled, for one human being to successfully advise or help another.”

I quite like this. Something I’m attempting to do a lot more and live by is to “not put all my eggs in one basket” when it comes to people. I think the urge to find all answers and all peace in singular people has been quite harmful for me in the past. Safety, reliability, having your needs met (through and with other people) are very valid pursuits, but they need to be done mindfully.

Ah, I suppose that’s the theme of this whole word-vomit. How to give, take, love without getting too attached. Or how to practice connected detachment, I suppose.

I am a romantic and that’s okay and that’s great but I’d like to continue to be wary of romanticisation. I think it’s good and healthy.

Pillars have to be multi-fold. A single pillar cannot take the load of my depth. And that’s okay too.

086a – thought-trains and fears

Fucked up sleep schedule again. I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to sleep. Either I just accept that I’m sleeping weird hours or I genuinely try to be disciplined. I think I’m just going to accept that for the next few weeks because once I’m traveling (ie end of this month) and spending time with other people I think the routine will automatically come into the picture.

Yeah, so maybe for the next couple weeks, it’s alright to have a slightly weird sleep schedule.

Did a lot of music things the whole day yesterday, felt pretty nice, although I do feel like I’m getting very daydreamy with my goals and tasks. Like it’s not like I’m not spending enough time on the doing (I am), but I’m still spending a LOT of time just romanticising it all.

In general also, I’ve been thinking a lot about romanticisation and glorification. Is it a problem? It’s obviously better than catastrophisation but I think it’s sort of the same thing. In a way, you’re spending time away from the present and away from awareness. So, yeah, I’d definitely want to be spending less time in my head. So how do I do this really? I’ve cut out a lot of my “vices” or copes to this problem over the last few months, I think there are in a way just the innermost layers remaining now.

Ie just core strong self-discipline. Habits, I suppose, is what people vouch by a lot. Yeah, maybe I’ll think about habit building a bit too. Maybe I recognise what situations I’m most prone to rumination and daydreaming in. Obviously, keeping a journal and a guitar near me as much as I can helps me too. But that’s not enough, I think. I think I’d want to be better at both the routes— cutting the thought “spirals” (regardless of whether they’re down spirals or up spirals) through body interference (movement, or action for eg) but also through brain interference (“hey, you’re in your head”, “hey, you’re on a thought-train, do you want to write about it perhaps?”). Yeah, I think I’ll try practicing these things a bit.

I slept from 7am-2pm today and I think that’s okay, I do tend to need 9 hours of sleep. Anyway, I think it’s all okay. I can’t always be questioning everything. I’m happy doing the work I’m doing lately, I just don’t want to get lost in it— is something I’ve been feeling lately. But just as I write this, I wonder if it’s okay to get lost in it for a few months? I’m just afraid of becoming a workaholic to be very honest. I don’t want to prioritise work over health and relationships. I do want to keep health at the top, and then relationships and work at an equal footing, for sure.

Man, there’s no sun today either. Hope tomorrow is better! Hope you’re having a good week xx

081a – growth recommendations

Haven’t done this in a few days. There’s something about private journaling that’s just not cutting it. Almost like the reverse of what used to happen— that is, journaling used to be better than writing in public because I would feel more free. However since I feel sufficiently free here as well, I feel better when I write here, since it then adds towards goal-completion pursuits. Journaling sometimes feels like “lost progress”.

I’ve gotten a bit into Myers-Briggs and other personality tests again lately and though I know they can be a bit harmful (esp for people like me), I couldn’t stop myself from indulging in them. I think some of the findings have been interesting and can be potentially helpful too, actually, if I can take some time out to process them properly.

The INFP thing I’ve been pretty comfortable with, but a friend recommended the Enneagram test to me as well, and that’s been a lot more stimulus than I was expecting. I test to be a type-4 at the moment and everything that’s listed in the “growth recommendations” is stuff that is quite.. intense, for the lack of a better word.

The top two things that stick out, that also feel tough to implement right away, provided I’d even want to, are:

Don’t pay so much attention to your feelings— this is quite tough since the last few months have been me actually paying a good amount of attention to my feelings. I think the meaning I’d want to assign to this is that feelings are valuable, and I definitely want to validate them, take my time to “feel” them perhaps (through activity and action as much as possible), but maybe I need to have time-caps on this, because spending more time than needed on any of the feelings can be harmful, of course. Maybe I want to cut myself off before it becomes “indulgence”.
Avoid putting off things until you are “in the right mood.”— this is also something I’m quite guilty of. I do tend to take a lot of time to do things because I generally believe I don’t do good work if I’m not doing it from a good state of mind. While I thought I had gotten quite better at dealing with these perfectionist tendencies, maybe there’s some more work to be done. I think if I had to be real, I’ve gotten better at this from one end only— for example, I’m now okay with leaving things at “90%”, but maybe I also need to be better at “starting things”— even when I don’t feel like I’m in the best state for them.

The general theme seems to be that action, activity and discipline would be much better for me than fantasy and indulgence. Of course, this is something I know and I’ve been attempting to get to a point where I can think about implementing this, I haven’t yet.

I had a couple of interesting conversations with strangers this week and those was also quite impactful, but something my therapist said which really helped me look at it differently was:

What is the meaning you want to assign to it?

This is important since it made me realise the right words— especially the right questions— can make such a big difference. I was taking everything I was thinking and feeling to be the truth, whereas really, I do have some control over how much importance I want to give to events and stimulus and feelings and thoughts.

I feel like I have more things to talk about but I’m not sure what exactly. Social calendar is getting a bit pressurising— even though action and activity is nice, and it’s mostly nice to be around people, I don’t know what part of it is pressurising and draining exactly. Maybe it’s just my introversion needs coming into play. But when I do get time to myself I end up spending a lot of time in my head. So I guess the thing to figure out is how to spend time with myself that is still aligned with what I’ve learnt about action and activity. I think physical activity is the main thing I need to incorporate. I’ve been dancing a lot more and that feels pretty great, actually, but perhaps there’s more room for it.

Alright, I think I have a qualitative plan, I’ll convert this into an action plan next week.

Cheers xx

073 – in repair (rambles)

I’ve mostly recovered from the anxiety and panik by now. Back to my apartment and got to hang out with friends today evening. Also had therapy earlier in the morning which of course helped.

I’d been feeling a lot of apathy towards my body over the last 2-3 days (post panik), because obviously it was a little too scary to get int touch with the potentially scary feelings.

I’ve started relying on playing music almost as much as I used to rely on writing, so that’s a nice place to get to. I really think you make the best art when you need to. When you don’t have a choice except to make art. Obviously, it’s difficult to get to places like that and you don’t always want to be going there, maybe there’s a way to approach this a bit proactively. If I write and play everyday, maybe I won’t have to reach rock bottom at all. I don’t know, let’s see.

Anyone who’s been following this blog for a while knows that I believe that combating shame around feelings is the most important thing to do when “coping” with said feelings. So I must admit that a large part of my panic was triggered by some gender incongruence— ie stemming from traditionally feminine roles— ie in this case: the thought of wearing dresses. I’ve never really liked wearing dresses that much (except very selectively) and looks like it’s become a non-negotiable for me now. I also don’t like super feminine makeup and I’m not going to force it on myself anymore. (There’s things I like and that’s all I like, period.)

I’ve also been thinking about why society asks to keep our insecurities to ourselves. This has always been a pretty big question for me and I’ve always voiced this out, regardless of whether I’m going through tough phases or smooth phases. I know that the generic answer is “well because people won’t know how to respond to them and negative feelings can make other people uncomfortable”.. and while yes, there is maybe some appropriateness to keep in mind, I think this advice hurts a lot more than it helps. Some of my deepest connections have formed after sharing troubles. I mean, why ignore one of the only sure things in life? Human existence is painful. Why deny this? I don’t know.

Also, I read something about how love is won through disciplined surrender.

Maybe people focus on the disciplined part of it too much and not the surrender part of it. Who knows. I guess everyone has their own versions of what this looks like. Which is fine, I guess.

Anyway. Anxiety threatens to take over again right now so I must continue to write. I get the feeling that something is deeply wrong though I can’t quite put a finger on it.

Alright, I did some rationalising and took a stoic-thinking-route (which I must keep private to my journals for now) and I’m feeling a little better. Yes, I do acknowledge that maybe I’m not ready to share all my worst fears yet but suffice to say that that they centre around fitting out and the troubles that come with non-conformity.

Feeling like I wanted to go on an art and music journey but I might have to go on a gender exploration journey instead. This somewhat stifled part of me has been throwing tantrums lately. Or I guess everything can happen parallely as well.

Feeling a great need for breaks and recovery after doing mildly stressful things. Like a lesson with a slightly strict drums instructor. Sitting in a cafe now, trying out blueberry bubble tea for the first time. Let’s see how it ends up being. There’s Peach Pit playing here which makes me incredibly happy actually. Can’t find the right seating. Man, that’s like literally the only problem when it comes to working out of cafes. The right table ergonomics, the right amount of people, the right music, the right weather (I hate loud fans or super cold air conditioners). I know how this sounds, I know I probably sound very picky.. but I guess I am. But going home just doesn’t feel nice enough at the moment. Maybe I’ll just reply to texts etc instead.

I’m trying to keep caffeine consumption to lower limits to hopefully reduce the anxiety.

Some loud enthu kids just came and sat very close to where I’m sitting and now I don’t feel like I’ll be able to concentrate. This is what happened last time as well. Maybe I’ll just update my todo lists etc as well. Okay I did this and I feel sufficiently okay but I do need to go home and manage some of my lists again. I wonder if I need more organisations and/or planning wrt the things that I need to get done. Not sure about this.

During the day I was of course attempting to affirm myself by telling myself “it’s enough”. Ie whatever I’m doing is enough and whatever pace I’m doing things at is also enough. But I guess hearing these kids talk about scheduling, batching, task management has currently triggered me as well.

I guess part of everything is also realising that if I do want to prioritise creative projects that are highly personal, it is going to be a little lonely. And of course I am pretty decent at working on projects by myself, it’s still hard to feel like you’re doing life alone, in some ways.

I guess this was a pretty rambly piece. My apologies, dear readers. I’m working on a couple long-form pieces to bring to you as well, hopefully soon.

070 – brain dump

Brain-only mode. I hate it. This is the kind of writing that I don’t want to make public. Primarily because it’s coming from a place of anxiety. And when that’s the case— I don’t end up liking whatever I write. It’s not due to shame or embarrassment, I’ve mostly safely conquered that. I just don’t like the style when it’s anxiety-produced.

I’ve only been “thinking” for the last 3-4 hours and it’s been quite unpleasant. I mean, it wasn’t unpleasant in the regular ways, I wasn’t spiralling, I wasn’t thinking too many negative thoughts. Most of the thoughts were related to ideas etc. But I knew at the back of my mind that I was still ruminating. I knew I was supposed to be sleeping instead.

It’s getting really cold here and part of why I haven’t been able to sleep is because I haven’t been able to figure out a configuration that’s comfortable enough in terms of clothes, fan speed and the number of layers over me. To be honest, I was hit with some thoughts about how I might really have to move again in June / July, which I know is sufficiently far in the future but it was quite upsetting all the same.

Drums practice was super fun today and I really want to buy an acoustic set for my place. But I know that buying an electronic kit will be a more practical and safer choice (primarily because it’s volume adjustable). I’ll do some research on this before I decide what to do. I don’t want to buy an electronic kit and then feel stuck with it either.

Learning more about my sensitivity has been a blessing and a curse. I sometimes like that there’s a potential explanation for the things that bother me and at the same time it doesn’t suffice. This was true for when I discovered more about my anxiety disorder too. Maybe I still need to find better ways to cope and actually solve these problems, not just have explanations for them.

So what does solving some of these problems mean?

I probably (definitely) need to purchase a heater soon.
I need to restart regular meditation.
I need to restart regular physical exercise.
I may want to read and research more about how to balance creative urges and pursuits with healthy habits and routines.
I need to read more of the HSP book because I may find out some more ways of coping.

I think yes, the primary problem is sleep schedule. It’s always been my biggest problem. How do I really go about solving this, and how much do I want to? I really need to take some time out to think about this. There’s often hidden reasons why we don’t solve some of our problems, I need to find those out.

—

I wrote this last night and was finally able to sleep. I’m going to shift to 1000-word posts as much as I can from now on. This one is a bit hacky because I’m combining two pieces of sorts, but maybe that’s okay.

I think yesterday I stumbled onto a melody I’m really excited about fleshing out. That’s my main task for today.

Yesterday at the coffee shop, I met someone a bit confusing. We connected pretty easily, but then he revealed a couple of highly polarised religious views which made me a bit uncomfortable. I also got the feeling he was drunk and that made me uncomfortable too. I didn’t feel too unsafe because it was a pretty crowded place, but then I didn’t want to hang out much longer. He gave me his number and I don’t know if I’ll be texting him. But it definitely made me feel weird because when I got home I had to take some time to regulate.

When I was trying to figure out what I felt, I felt a judgemental voice asking me why I’m always obsessed with “figuring out” my feelings and my experiences. And this has been a question on my mind lately. Even though here, I tell myself I don’t need to be judgemental about this because it’s just part of my nature, I don’t think it works that easy.

I’ve tried to find an explanation for this many many times before. There’s a part of me that thinks of this as a problem. If we forget about the why for a second, what is a reframe that can help me?

It’s just something that makes me curious. Scientists and academicians also care about really specific, deep problems. Sometimes these problems and occurrences are outside of us, sometimes they are within (psychology, biology, etc). Why is that okay and why is my “obsession” with my own nature and workings not as okay? (For the record, obviously this is an internal judgement, nobody else is telling me this is a bad thing). But alright, maybe accepting this reframe now, that this is just something that makes me really curious. Ie how my body, my brain, my heart etc react to external or internal experiences.
Understanding why something makes you feel unpleasant is also not unimportant. How else would you avoid it in the future, or deal with it if you couldn’t avoid it? I shouldn’t be quick to dismiss this as unimportant.

The ONLY problem I can think is that it can be a bit time consuming. But that is also only when I’m ruminating. When I’m quick to start journaling or writing, it doesn’t take that long. I really need to cut out as much rumination as I can. That is the primary solution to many of my problems. (Sleep, time-management, “too much going on”, overstimulation, etc).

Okay, that’s it for now. Really psyched to move to music stuff. Let’s go.

069b – morning pages + the need to zoom out + finding balance

Want to write a quick word-vomit before I start my day for real. I’m waiting for some groceries to be delivered after which I can make my morning coffee, then I call my sister to wish her happy birthday.

I have enough tasks to be working on today and I have to go out in the afternoon for a chore which I’m almost excited about it. Planning to soak in some sun (however little/much we get lately) and maybe get a coffee from Third Wave on the way back. I’ve also asked friends if they want to get dinner later tonight so we’ll see whether or not that happens.

I also have some house chores to do within today and tomorrow and I’m going to make sure I do get them done.

A thought I’m struggling with is that I’ve been happy to take things (goals, productivity) at my pace (which can be considered a little slow) and although I’m very happy with the pace in the present, part of me wonders if future me might regret not getting “enough” done during this time, because I was “too easy” on myself? I know it’s unlikely that I will feel this way, because I know from experience that the decisions you take for present “real” happiness are never ones you can regret. And if at all we do feel regret, it’s coming from the lack of something else. For example, on certain days lately I almost regret not doing more of music and art even alongside my job, ie over the last 5-6 years. But then, that’s coming from a place of “oh I could have been better at it by now” or “oh I could have a greater chance at “success” by now, if I had”. But it’s important to remember that I do navigate the “present” with decent awareness, and I was doing the best I could with the knowledge that I had.

This is all fair for the past, but the question still remains. I plan to discuss a zoomed out version of my plan and intentions and this conflict a bit more in therapy, and I need to write-up a summary of all of it to share with therapist so that she can review it before our session. I plan to write that today, I imagine it’ll also give me some reassurance.

Struggling with developing songs lately though, and since that is my primary goal at the moment I need to find some more inputs on it all. I think I need to watch more tutorials, lessons and practice scales. Yes, I suppose I can focus on that today and tomorrow.

I think finding balance on everything is the hardest part of our lives. It can literally be the “one” guideline to follow if you have no other guidelines to follow. (One of my friends had actually said this many years ago too, and I think she’s right). But it’s so fucking tricky. How do you balance self-compassion, laziness and “desire” and courage? How do you balance self-love and the search for love? How do you balance freedom with your responsibilities? It’s all quite tough. Maybe I need to make a list of everything I feel like I’m balancing so that I can review this better. I feel some tension stir up inside me as I write this which means I need to explore this more.

I feel a time-crunch upon me right now and part of me doesn’t want to stop writing but it’s also good practice for when sometimes I do need to “ignore” my feelings for a bit when the world and/or duty (or coffee) calls. So I’m going to do just that. Write later!

068b – diwali but this post is barely about diwali

It’s been a busy three days. We’re celebrating Diwali here in India. I posted a bit already on Instagram about how it ended up being a bit too much for me, especially since I’m celebrating in India after six whole years. It’s mostly over, but I’ve been thinking of regret and “fomo” a lot. On Friday, I was sensing increasing anxiety about the festival, the parties, the firecrackers etc and I was wondering why I wasn’t able to surrender to it all. I was also wondering if I would regret it later, whether I would miss not spending enough time with the family and friends around me while I have them.

But I’ve been thinking about the last few years, and while I did miss spending time with family/friends when I wouldn’t get to see them for many months, I don’t think I’ve missed “big” events too much.

But I’ve also been thinking of this all from the sensitivity lens, and I wonder when things got so intense. Like I don’t remember being bothered too much by loud noises, events, overstimulation etc when I was a kid.

I think part of it has to do with our collective lowkey-obsession with our physical forms, which always seems to increase around events etc. Now, I do understand why some people like to dress up, etc, but I think there is a bit of an expectation for everyone to do it, and that is what I’m not too fond of. I specifically remember times in my life where I’ve actually really enjoyed events— and those were times where the people I was hanging with weren’t too form-obsessed, where we were doing a lot more than just clicking pictures, commenting on each other’s outfits, etc.

I did also get a haircut yesterday that I didn’t end up liking (and I miss my longish hair) so maybe that’s got me a bit annoyed as well.

Talking to my sister about everything really helps though. We spoke after almost 4-5 days today and it’s nice that we’re now able to put some gaps between interactions. (Since our phone calls tend to get pretty long and hence time-consuming). We’ve actually been weirdly in sync about life stuff over the last couple months. We were going through what felt like slumps throughout August and September and somehow came out of them together as October came around.

I often wonder what the point of these journal-entries-like word-vomits is (ie is there a point to making them public?)— and I’m going to come back to this question soon. Sometimes I feel like I’m being lazy when I write these. But let’s see, I want to have sufficient reasons to why I’m doing this in public. I know I had reasons when I’d started but lately I can’t remember them. Or be convinced by them. I know they hold value for me— more on that later— but I want to be sure of the reasons why I’m doing this in public. Otherwise it’s just vulnerability for vulnerability’s sake and I don’t necessarily need that in my life at the moment.

I feel better now, though. Man, making space for all the unpleasant thoughts in your brain feels so good.

057b – need a break from constant evaluation and thoughts (read: anxiety)

August and September have been hard. I think truly, the “adjustment” to India began only in August. Living by myself is the only way I can really compare different locations and so May-July didn’t really give me the signal I needed. And boy, living by myself here is definitely hard. Safety (and associated things) is the core problem. Weather is second. Everything else I can still cope with. Or tolerate at least, for the good things.

Anxiety has been way too high. I think January-May was a relatively low anxiety period despite everything, because I’d “made the decision” to move, so I was essentially just enjoying life. May-July was okay as well. Lately I’ve been feeling really scattered, anxious, emotionally fragile, dependent, all sorts of things. I might need to consult my psychiatrist and get back on meds soon. Might help with the next few months.

Even though I have gained some clarity with respect to the question “how do I like to spend my time”, action is still something that proves to be tough on a daily basis.

I think I’m also tired of the “evaluative” thought-process that’s been constantly occurring in me over the last few months. With geography, with the things that I do, with relationships, everything. I really want to just be more present. Like sure, you have bad days and good days, or you have good things and bad things in most days, doesn’t always have to mean something. Yes, I’m doing some data collection but that’s not all I’m doing. Living is primary, capturing signal from living is secondary. And it will be subconscious, I don’t have to actively do it everyday. Reflection is important and I can keep regularly making space for it but I can’t keep reflecting while I’m experiencing. Might need to look a little more into the how of this.

I’ve also been a little unwell but it’s been tough to be easy on myself, because I’ve been so easy on myself over the last few months. I feel like that’s not fair and I shouldn’t have to “make up” for enjoying life but there’s definitely two parts in me that have been fighting on this quite a bit.

To summarise:

[Ick] How to take a break from constant evaluation and reflection, while life is happening? Ie how to be more present and in the moment?

[Ick] How to build more emotional resilience?

[Task] Schedule a session with my psychiatrist, maybe get back on anxiety meds

[Yum] The clarity wrt my creative outlets still persists and I’ve started vocalising it more in front of people as well, so that’s nice.

Alright that’s it from me. Intention for the week is to go easy on myself, hope y’all will do the same with yourselves!

019b – the mundane is all we have

Thoughts think themselves. Words write themselves. Is this what they call free writing? Just letting your vessel do its thing? Thoughts can create feelings. Feelings can create thoughts. By that logic one can never be out of words. And maybe it’s true. Maybe we’re never out of words. Maybe it’s just the question of which words we want to share, and which we don’t. Is writer’s block real then? Or does it become real only for writers who need to get paid for their words?

I was thinking about how vulnerability on the internet doesn’t really get easier – not as much I’d expected. I went back to doing a bit of private journaling and realized I preferred it. I thought it’d have gotten easier by now. This could be another reason that I’ve been leaning towards trying to fictionalize my thoughts. Or preferring to write fiction, even though it’s tougher and slower.

Any person who’s successful in any field will tell you to do as much of the thing as you can. And yet, it’s hard to subscribe to quantity as a goal by itself. I know I need to set up more feedback loops to stay motivated. Intrinsic feedback and motivation is not sufficing, I know it’ll eventually die out. Or I at least need them for a push when I’m low on the intrinsic motivation.

I scoff at the mundane sometimes. It feels overused and weary and tiring. The green of the leaves, the blue of the waves, isn’t it all used up by now? But I know there’s a reframe there, it’s just about the arrangement and patterns. There’s just seven basic notes in the land of music too, and yet people have created beautiful things out of those.

You gotta keep practicing, that’s the only thing I can tell myself. That’s the main reason I want to keep doing this. And to remind the 5th grade me that I haven’t forgotten her. I haven’t forgotten how she wrote an essay for fun and thoroughly impressed the secondary English teacher who had no idea who she was, but was eventually happy to learn that she was one of her favorite students’ younger sister. To remind the 9th grade me who’d discovered the world of fan-fiction for the first time and was completely mind-blown for years to come. So much of who we are is where we’ve been, so sometimes I find comfort in drawing inspiration from the past.

I suppose we all like sharing stories, sharing parts of ourselves with parts of the world. Some of us like to do so with crowds and tables full of people, some of us perhaps with fewer people. Some of us from behind our screens, some of us from right in the spotlight. Engagement (that social media easily provides) is nice, I’m not going to deny that, but there’s definitely something significantly more satisfactory about writing a post of a decent length. Of course, I’m the one who gets to decide what that length is for me, so it’s all chill.

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References: [1]