time – untitled atm

109b – hello, 2025

A lot of things feel futile lately. Well, primarily, doing this. I don’t know what’s happening exactly, but a part of me feels like thinking about things is a bit.. meh.

What does feel not-futile, then? Spending time with people I love, for one. That feels worthwhile.

As I write, though, I’m suddenly remembering why this used to feel important. It used to be (and probably still is) important because it allows me to process everything faster. And the faster I process things, the more time I have for the things that actually matter— like the people I love.

I finally got around to making some calls and replying to texts that had been on my backlog for a while. It felt quite nice. I like it when friends show up for the hard conversations, even if they don’t always show up perfectly.

A lot of things feel futile though, like planning for stuff. I have to move at the end of this quarter but we’re “testing” the place first by traveling there for a bit, so it feels futile to plan anything beyond that. It’s scary, I’m not going to lie. I don’t like planning anyway but my anxiety always wants me to plan ahead. What I’m learning is that you can plan and plan but there’s always going to be things that fall through the cracks. It’s always a tough battle to balance planning the big things and taking it easy on the smaller ones or the other way round.

Anyway, my head hurts a bit these days even though I don’t think I’m doing too much screen time. I might need an eye check-up.

My sister’s had a baby a month ago and I feel major FOMO for not being able to see him. I wrote a whole blog post about it which I haven’t gotten around to posting.. for various reasons. But that’s not what this is about. I really want to see him! But I detest those long inter-continental flights. So I’m stuck in this major indecision paralysis and I feel like that’s been weighing quite heavily on me. When I was a kid, my friends and I used to regularly wish for teleportation machines because we didn’t have as much agency to travel whenever we’d feel like it. Now.. it feels like we have the agency, but it’s still not very easy to exercise it. So here I am, wishing for the goddamn teleportation machine.

I’ve been quite stagnant on work stuff, I feel like I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth for anything work-related lately. I’m tired, I really am. How the fuck does one prioritise the things that really need to get done? Job search is quite intimidating. I suppose I need to break it down into smaller tasks and goals.

It’s very interesting that my previous post was a lot about the same stuff that I’m complaining about right now— I suppose it makes sense that I’m feeling so blocked.

But January is over so I must set some intentions for February. Time keeps flying by, otherwise.

Happy 2025, folks!

107a – do whatever you want

Went back on a commitment today. It feels quite terrible, my inner critic makes me feel like I’ve committed a crime, almost. I thought about it a lot, but I do have my reasons. I’m just not feeling it. I remember feeling the same way when the context has been that of romantic relationships. I remember going on two, three dates with someone and then wanting an out— it used to feel shitty as fuck. God forbid if it were more than three dates.

Why does changing my mind make me feel so shitty? Or, even if it’s somewhat shitty in a romantic context, it’s not as shitty in a professional context, is it? I want to believe that it’s okay to do this as long as I communicate well with the other party. And I am— I’m doing that.. and yet?

I guess there’s some aspect of FOMO and the idea of “burning bridges” involved. Like the idea that if you let an opportunity go by, it’ll come back to bite you. And maybe that’s true.. but how can I do something that I just don’t feel like doing? Not until I have to, not until it’s survival mode, I guess.

There are other things that I want to do. I want to focus on them. I want to remind myself that I can do decent work when my heart is in it. Like this word-vomit, for example. I feel really attuned to myself when I write and when I own up to my feelings.

The shitty of going back on a commitment is nothing compared to the sad I feel when I allow a “should” to walk over me. The should of “grabbing opportunities”, the should of “paying my dues”, the should of “work and productivity”, the should of “let’s just get out there”, the should of “I’m wasting my time otherwise” etc etc.

I’ve done (and completed) other things despite anxiety and resistance, so I cannot allow my inner critic to tell me that I don’t do anything.

Well, I guess this is it. Have to feel the regret and remorse of actions and feelings. Have to come back to myself, repeatedly, regardless of how tough it feels in the moment. Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll be happy that I did this. Tomorrow I’ll be happy that I have my day to myself.

What am I going to do now? I’m going to make some plans for tomorrow and the week onwards, and then I’ll figure out dinner.

Anyway, that’s it. Hope you’re having a better day than I am, folks! xx

105 – unblocking

If you write (or create any sort of content, for that matter), you are constantly on the lookout for material. Sometimes it’s fun because it happens automatically, but at times it’s quite draining too. Yes, people have talked about this before— how the reflex of “documenting a moment” can really kill the moment itself. Especially with writing, a lot of the advice points to this— document as much as you can, make as many notes as you can, because for sure memory is going to fail you. But I’ve found this to be consistently true in my days lately… I do feel like I’m stealing myself away from the present moment if I’m constantly trying to document it. How does one balance this? I’d like to figure that out.

Anyway, came here to note this thought down (how meta of me), but might just do a word-vomit instead. Y and I have been cat-sitting for a friend (it’s two cats!) which we were very excited about initially but it turned out be quite a.. lot. The mother cat (Mimo) isn’t spayed and in heat which was a lot for her to handle (and for us too). She seemed like she was under a lot of stress— yowling for hours at end, constantly wanting to go out, hissing at her daughter (Bailey) a lot, and wanting a lot of attention from us too. Even though we absolutely loved giving her the attention she needed, we’re two people who get overstimulated very easily so it was all a bit too much for us to handle. We’re transferring ownership to a friend of the owner’s tomorrow, so looking forward to some relief and quiet. The cats are adorable though, I know I’m going to miss them too.

It was a nice distraction from the “tasks” of life, of course.. and I did learn that maybe I can’t have cats in the future like I always thought I would. This is disappointing of course, but this is also not final since of course a spayed (or neutered cat) would be easier to handle, I know that. Definitely don’t think I can do kids though, that’s confirmed.

I was reading this first post that I ever wrote on this blog, because I feel like I’m stuck in a similar situation again. It’s interesting to see just how much I had to write! Like so many thoughts and feelings. I don’t feel that way anymore. Sometimes I sit in front of the laptop or the journal and nothing comes out of me. And I know deep down that it’s not because I don’t have stuff to talk about, it’s just because I’ve become a bit avoidant with some of my feelings. This was never an issue for me, avoidance is a relatively new issue, to be very honest. Which is probably why I haven’t taken it very seriously either. Acknowledging that I’m somewhat avoidant about certain things also means that I have to face that I used to judge other “avoidants” in the past. I know most of it is not in our control, avoidance/anxiety about “problems” are just copes, and different people cope differently. And to be fair, “avoidance” is a bit easier to manage than anxiety is.. I think I just liked not feeling super anxious all the time.

But I know.. I know, to write, or do anything, to move at all, I do have to face whatever it is that’s going on.

One happy thing before I talk about what I think my current open problems are in life: in the post (the first post), I talk about “dreaming about composing music”! I’d never realised I used to dream about it. Like I’d never acknowledged this dream properly enough to myself! But I’ve successfully composed a few songs, so the dream has been realised.. pretty proud of this! There’s a lesson here— we need to fully acknowledge and voice our dreams to ourselves, otherwise when they come true we won’t even know that we have something worth celebrating!

Anyway, now to the question of what are the main areas I want to be working towards over the next.. <undecided time-frame>:

Work stuff, what I want to do for work, job search etc
Geography.. I have no idea how I will tackle this but I do want to
Gender stuff— even though this isn’t as urgent as it was maybe even a few months ago, I know it doesn’t feel fully resolved.. and I know it’s okay for it to take the time it needs, but I don’t want to “not engage” and let the time pass. The “time it needs” will be much longer if I keep running away from the issue.
Health, too

So, yep, that’s it for now.

My key takeaways (mostly for myself but also for you in case they’re relevant)?—

Foster multiple types of cats (and kittens) before adopting and committing for the long haul.
Balancing documentation with presence is important.
Voice your dreams! There’ll be more to celebrate if (/when) they come true.
Compartmentalisation is okay, avoidance is not.

Cheers, folks xx

104b – dreams, neurodivergence and the need for rest

People keep talking about dreams all the time. Or so it seems. People tell me how proud of me they are and how inspiring it is that I’m following my dreams. I don’t even know what my dreams are, though. To live a creative life? Yes. To spend more time with my art, with myself, with people I love? Yes, of course. To not be doing too many things that I don’t want to do? Yes, indeed.

Financial privilege and in general— privilege— aside, I don’t feel like I’m living a very good life. My relationship has been hard work, lately, and career stuff weighs heavily on me too. Do I want to be a writer, or a musician, or nothing at all? Am I really just afraid of hard work or am I not able to tune into my gut and figure out what I want? Or hell, even if I don’t know what I Want, am I able to at least know what I want next?

Having freedom and privilege makes me feel like I’m supposed to do something with it. I don’t know if I want to. In certain moments, yes, I do want to do something that could be useful to someone (even if that someone’s just myself), but in other moments— I really just want to rest.

I know I’m definitely some sort of neurodivergent, and vocalising that more loudly and more frequently has come with its own set of challenges. Now that I’m more in touch with how easily I get overstimulated and tired, there is a need to also accept that it makes sense to need the amount of rest and alone time that I tend to need. But society’s voice is stlll way too loud.

It tells me that I’ve had my “year” of rest and now it’s time to get back into work and productivity. A month ago I tried writing a goodbye letter to this “year of rest” but it wasn’t enough. I don’t think I’m ready to get back to work. Not the trad 9-5 kind anyway. I’m talking to some people for part-time work but none of it comes with pay. Sure, I can afford that for now but at some point I won’t be able to. Well, I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Or like six months before we have to, I guess.

I’ve been considering art school or music school more seriously since, well, all of yesterday. Talking to Y made me realise how suppressed this desire has been, in me. Yes, last year I did consider it seriously, but then I did some research which convinced me thoroughly to not go ahead with any of that at this point of time. Even now, I don’t think I want to go to school right away. I just want more motivation to work on the things that I do want to work on. I do want to reduce TV time and gaming time so I can feel more energised. I do want to eat better, exercise more, but I feel like these wants are still outcome oriented. Is that okay? I don’t know. I don’t know if I can just eat better SO that I feel more energised. That kind of thinking is not motivating enough for me. But I do want to find some way of getting over all this, because otherwise I’m just denying my body what it needs.

Anyway, I think that’s it for now. Going to try out a couple things to summon some energy! Happy October, folks xx

102a – august slipped away

Haven’t been able to journal as much as I want to.. not sure what’s up. Y and I finally made a cover yesterday finally after many weeks of procrastination and delay on it. That did feel quite nice, I must admit. We also sang a bunch of other songs which also made me feel quite nice, I really enjoyed the process and the results too. I thoroughly like and enjoy the image of me that plays the keys, I feel quite at home in that image. In this, I also feel quite away from all the gender stuff (in the best ways).

Going to volunteer today for this skill-training session being hosted by an organisation I’ve been in touch with. Not sure what to expect but let’s see. I’ve met the people before and I wanted to reconnect with them anyway so this should be a good chance to do that.

I keep getting distracted even as I write this, and I’m not sure how to focus. It’s probably hunger and chores though, some more important than the other— I’ll put the rice on the stove and be right back.

Welp, I didn’t end up completing this yesterday but here I am.

Traveling in four more days, anxiety is quite active. I’m also turning 29 soon, hope I get some time tomorrow to do some reflections.

Y just sent me a cover of a song she made and I’m so amazed by how talented she is. Musically, of course, but in so many other ways too. Travel’s been hard this past quarter because long distance with her (even for a few weeks) has proved to be kind of tough– but hopefully we’re getting stronger from it all.

I come back mid-september and I’m going to fully prioritise job search etc. In some ways I’m almost looking forward to it actually.

The other day I got kind of triggered because my music instructor kind of coerced me to sit for some additional time and “practise” but I really really wasn’t planning to and didn’t want to. I did leave as soon as I realised how much I didn’t want to do what was being asked of me, but it took me a good couple hours to properly recover.

I’d like to lean into my ambitious side a little more for the remaining year. I know I have a strong one, but I’ve kind of compartmentalised it in favour of peace and rest. Which was quite valid, fair and much needed but I think I feel ready to be “doing” a little more.

Gender dysphoria has been a bit present this week, I do need more guidance and resources with it, but— well— can only do so much on a given day.

These days I find myself stunned by how talented, skilled and creative people are in the world. It’s nice to stay in touch with all that of course, keeps one grounded, and is also inspiring, but I’m still recovering from how much people are slaying at very ripe young ages like early twenties.

Anyway, that’s it this week. Hope yall have a great end to August! xx

101a – writing, love and comfort

I’m passionate about writing, I know this. But I haven’t been writing as much lately. I’ve been busy falling in love, there’s just no other way to say this. I don’t know if it’ll last, I really can’t know this, of course. But I feel really good about her, about us. I hope we make it, whatever that means.

I do have strong imposter syndrome when it comes to creative activities, and I know the only way to even move towards addressing it would be to start looking for paid work. But I can’t do that for another three months, so how do I address it for now? By writing, or by “doing the thing” anyway, I suppose.

Falling in love has been great but I know I haven’t been doing much work. I also know it’s okay to not be productive etc etc, but fact is I do live in this society, and I do feel like I don’t want to let life go by. It’s okay if I don’t do anything “great” as such, but I do want to feel the fulfilment and satisfaction that comes with doing some sort of work on a regular basis. (I’m not talking about paid work necessarily, just work.) Just something to show for the time I’m living that’s not purely related to “just” joy.

So I will write today and I’ll make sure to publish this post. I also think not engaging with writing or music keeps me away from doing other things too. I feel less productive in all ways, if I’m not writing. So I’ll write this week and see if it makes a difference. A better difference.

June is halfway complete. In 20 days we’ll be halfway through 2024. I’ll be 2 months away from turning 29. These are all different ways of saying the same thing— that I’m really happy and content, I think.

In some ways I really want June to be over because it’s insanely hot here and I can’t wait for summers to be less intense. But I also don’t want June to be over because I’ll have to be away from home for three weeks this coming July and even though I’m really looking forward to the trip, I’m not looking forward at all to being away from my comfort person for so long. Classic mixed, bittersweet feelings. I guess that’s good information too, information that I can keep in mind the next time I plan long trips.

I saw this movie called “The Hours” the other day and I really liked it. I liked how inspiring it was in terms of writing goals and writing stories, even though I often worry a bit about how artists and writers are “romanticised” in certain ways which can be almost harmful to the mouldable mind.

Anyway, how do I feel? I feel okay. I’m glad I wrote a full post after fifteen days and I’m glad I’m going to hit publish. I’m glad I can say that I’m in love without cringing too much and I’m glad the summer decline is close. I’m looking forward to a lot of things (even with the cost) and I’d like to list them all for myself tomorrow. I feel like it’ll be a good exercise. I’m glad I finally have “tasks” I can look forward to as well. I was missing this feeling for a while.

Happy June folks, cheers xx

099a – reflective

Haven’t written for over a week. It’s been a decent one, for the most parts. Delhi summers is quite exhausting, however. Not sure how I feel about the coming two months. Realised today that my house lease ends sooner than I thought so that’s something I need to process, and then I also need to take some time out to decide whether or not I want to look for work anytime soon. I don’t know if I can handle (or cope with) two big rocks on my head.

Going to hang with friends tonight, looking forward to it, been a while. Have some friends visiting next week and also have a weekend trip planned towards the end of the month. Looking forward to both these things.

Relationship stuff has been pretty smooth so far, quite happy and grateful about that, don’t want to take that lightly.

My back has been aching for the whole week now— not sure I slept weird or whether it’s the age that’s starting to show up (haha). (Feel stupid to even laugh at this because part of me doesn’t want to make age-based jokes and part of me is genuinely worried whether age-based issues are going to start bothering me at this very (in many ways) young age.

I think I’m going to take out some time over the weekend and set some intentions for May! Feeling kind of excited about it so I’d love to make use of the energy.

Stopped writing this last night because I didn’t have a lot of time, but back at it today morning. Had a great night, unexpectedly fulfilling actually.

Woke up feeling a bit reflective today morning for some reason, and it made me realise that these days I feel like I have more memories already in my head (or my body or my heart, whatever) that I feel like I don’t have the space to go out and make new ones. I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day and she was sharing some memories of us from back when I was 2 or 3 (I had asked her if she remembers anything) and really, it was quite overwhelming (in a good way though). [Sidebar: I’m trying to find a word for this—ie overwhelming but in a good way but I can’t.]

The general theme from yesterday seems to be documentation and preservation. Even with the folks I hung out with, we were actually exchanging a lot of stories from our pasts.

This week I also complete a year to having moved from Amsterdam to Delhi. I hope I can find some time to reflect upon it all.

Of course, documentation ties this post up nicely too. Happy to be doing this, happy to be making notes. Happy to preserve and document and reflect on here so I can continue to make more memories, ie live more and live as much as I can.

Happy May, folks! xx

098a – floating

These days I’ve only been floating. Among tasks and open threads and people and emotions. Among plans that just stay in chats, unpublished blogs, unmade reels, unhealthy habits I’m not committing to face and internalised insecurities that just don’t seem to go away. The pain of indecision can sometimes be worse than the pain of regret. Because regret I know how to cope with. Because regret— I’ve known and stood by for many years now— is something I don’t really feel. When you make “wrong decisions”, you know you can still get something, something out of it. But what do you get out of the murky waters of procrastination and delay? Almost absolutely nothing— except perhaps self-doubt and frustration and a multiplication of fears that already exist.

Productive procrastination doesn’t help anymore either. There is more laundry to do every week, bills to pay every month, decluttering to do every so often— these are never-ending tasks. I know this, I’ve always known this, but still realising this again makes me despondent.

I don’t need to look for a job anytime soon (ie financially), but I do need to move in directions that I’ve been wanting to. And while it’s true, I’m not stuck stuck, I do feel like there’s been a lot more friction to certain things lately.

Writing this is nice, of course. It feels like getting into a boat and exploring all these murky waters, even if I come back to shore after just ten minutes.

I’d like to see some people too. Other creatures on similar journeys, or perhaps even people all the way across who could shine some light on other shores, temporary or otherwise.

Okay, maybe that’s it for this metaphor. I’m happy I uncovered a couple things:

That I’d like some movement on the real projects, not just chores and homework tasks
And that I’d like to see people

But beyond that, I don’t think this metaphor is serving me anymore right now. I guess now that I’ve decided that I’d like to apply for some writing gigs, I think it’s time to break down this task and really, sincerely think about building a writing portfolio and a resume. I think for now it’s a week worth of work and I’d like to spend some heads-down time on it.

I do miss a specific friend but I’m going to speak to him soon, so that should all be fine. I think I’m also tired, I don’t think I’ve had my 8-9 hours of sleep, maybe I try to catch some of it later, before dinner. I also haven’t met friends almost throughout the week and I suppose that is something I do need. Making plans is tedious but I suppose that’s the cost I pay for attempting to leave a “let’s see how it goes” kind of lifestyle.

Ah, well, that’s it I think.

Happy weekend, folks xx

097b – movement and work

Tasks and chores are finally in movement, and I’m quite glad. The last couple days have been much better compared to the weekend, perhaps I’m finally feeling more regulated and functional again post the previous Wednesday.

Something I realised about writing recently is that I generally like writing in singular takes only. I just don’t feel called to a thing once some time has passed away from it. Whether it’s chapters or sections of a chapter, there has to be some amount of “completeness” wrt the thing. Stitching parts together feels strange and unfulfilling.

Parents have been a bit in conflict and it’s weighing quite a bit on me despite my best efforts wrt distance (both physical and emotional).

I feel a little bit dissociated from my body sometimes, or maybe just now, but I think I’ve been avoiding sitting with some of my feelings for sure. The major ones are probably grief, frustration, longing, anxiety, and also perhaps the weird angst that comes procrastination on unpleasant tasks. I do cry on an almost a daily basis, I spend time with writing and music and singing and dancing, and yet.. yet I feel like there’s something I’m running away from. Probably because nicotine is still quite prevalent, especially over the last 2-3 weeks.

Excited to have this 100K words project almost wrapped up though. Pretty sure I can get this done by April. Of course, it wasn’t a deadline based thing ever, but I’d like to celebrate getting here anyway. And while it’s true that I’ll probably continue writing/blogging anyway, it’ll still feel nice to complete a specific milestone. Post that I’ll also be free to do my favorite thing ie writing about writing. I can think about goals and processes and meta stuff again, which I always enjoy of course.

Pretty sleepy at the moment so I’d like to wrap this up in the next ten minutes. I also miss friends here, I feel like I haven’t seen people I used to regularly hang with for quite a while. Of course, I can make some plans etc but something’s been blocking me.

Man, these are the toughest 500 words I’ve written in a while. How is it possible that I don’t have enough to talk/write about? I did do a lot of journaling today morning so maybe that’s a factor. Maybe I need to go out and collect some more data and stimulus to have stuff to write.

Production classes are going well even though I do need to improve my setup so I can spend hours more sincerely than I’ve been doing so far. Honestly the dust here is such a pain. Not sure how to deal with that really. Which reminds me, I do have some house-maintenance chores to get done in the next few days as well. Ah well, that’s that.

I feel like my capacity to “work” effectively has reduced a bit. However it’s also possible that I’m just not tracking things well. So I’m going to track my work/focus time a bit more over the next few days to just get a sense of that again.

Alright folks, hope you’re having a pleasant April xx

096a – cyclical longings

Want to write but I don’t know if I have anything to write about today. Not like I haven’t experienced this before and I know that once you start you do generally tend to find things to write about. I did some organisation today and I feel good, albeit a little tired. Made a todo list for the week as well so I’m feeling good about it.

I think I’m going to go ahead and participate in the music school open mic that’s coming up, it would make sense to do it— even though I wasn’t feeling completely upto it until now, but I think that’s just me running away from the discomfort of the thing. I’ve canceled an upcoming Bangalore trip to work on the things I need to work on, and I think that’s the right decision for me. I do have things to wrap up here which I should pay attention to.

Need to plan travels upcoming in the summer, have been procrastinating on that quite a bit. Once I wrap up a teaching project that I have on my hands right now I can start thinking about work, I think it’s starting to give me some anxiety now.* Also thinking of reducing therapy to twice a month or thrice instead of my current cadence which is weekly. Would be nice to save some funds and I don’t think I need it as strongly anymore. The caveat is that I don’t want to fall (back) into any addictions because of this.

Something I realised recently that I’m really happy about is how little I think of my self image anymore. Someone asked me (from a card game) whether I think the image I have of me is similar to how others see me— and I realised that I don’t really have an image of me. I mean, sure, I have certain things— ie I like to think of myself as creative, joyful, interesting in connections, interested in love, maybe a little non-conformist, INFP, sensitive, empathetic, communicative— okay, well, maybe I do have an image of myself. What’s changed then? Maybe the image I have of me is more “true” to me, then. And hence it doesn’t create much conflict in me anymore. Or the image I have of me is related to my inner self and not things related to my outer (physical) self. Yeah, I suppose that could be it.

I was missing Amsterdam quite a bit today, and really I’ve been missing it throughout this week, actually. It’s nice that I’m going to visit in July, it’ll be a good refresher on whether I actually miss it or whether I just miss the good parts.

*In slightly over a month I complete a year to my “break” and while I’m not financially constrained yet, I do think it would make more sense to now join something, something I can be a part of as opposed to just doing things by myself. It’s undoubtable that we can get more “done” or we can create more value when collaborating with others. It’s almost stupid to think we can do something of value purely by ourselves. And at this point, it makes sense to join something even if I don’t know what path I want to take. I think the path will show itself to me the more I “do” things.

Alright, that’s about it for now. Wish you all a great end to March! xx