Tag: time

040a – connecting with myself

Haven’t written one of these in a while. Been going through a lot of stuff lately, not eventfully but feelings wise, but as a result I’ve finally gotten back into a little bit of working out that I’d completely given up for almost the last 6 months. So I did some good amount just now and I’m feeling spent. Post-workout clarity has also allowed myself to cancel a thing I was kind of dreading so I have the rest of the day free now.

The last 2-3 days have been pretty decent though, and the week overall too. Though I think my social life can be a little better and a little more fulfilling, overall not much to complain about these days. It’s getting a little less cold outside as well so that’s been a major pick-me-up. Creatively, I feel better too. Been writing a little bit and clicking pictures again, and that always makes me feel super nice. 

Really wanna make the most of this place and the people in the next two months so I can feel somewhat satisfied with my time here. (ie Amsterdam)

Anyway, something that was coming up a lot in the couple weeks before the one that just went by was a lot of feelings of loneliness and isolation. Some of it was just coming by due to not enough daytime plans and not enough socialisation in general, but I think of some of it was just my own. Something that came up in therapy is how feeling disconnected from even myself can cause this. And that feels true, as I’ve finally incorporated a little more physical activity and movement in my own routine, I’m feeling more connected with myself again. (This was what I knew I needed, this could of course differ for you)

One other thing I’ve been trying to do more of is learn more about art, what it is, how important it is to me and the world, etc etc. And I’ve talked about this before but I think a question that often comes up for me is whether there’s a difference between art and entertainment. (This comes up because personally I like to think about whether something I’m putting out in the world is just entertaining or whether it serves a bigger purpose. And while I don’t deny that entertainment does have its own value, I do think art is a little different.) But I finally found my answer with this quote by Erik Hoel: Entertainment, etymologically speaking, means “to maintain, to keep someone in a certain frame of mind.” Art, however, changes us. I’m sure there’s a lot of research on these two concepts and how they tie together, I’m sure a lot of people have different opinions about this, but for me, I think I agree with this idea that not all entertainment can be “art”. Stumbled upon this quote from Brody Deschanel’s channel, which itself has some really well-researched and well written video essays on a variety of topics. 

So, to recap:

  1. Had a few lonely and isolating weeks, realised that connection with myself can be a good solution too, when I can’t always hang out with other people.
  2. Entertainment and art are both valuable, but I think art serves a bigger purpose than entertainment. 

039a – ah, December 

When did December become such a big scheduling nightmare? Now I “know” rationally that it kind of always was like this. But this time? This time feels a little too insane. I’m in India for the holidays and going to be here till mid-January.

My social circle seems to have exploded overnight. Or over the year, whatever. Need to figure out how to let go of people to start making space for new people. Or figure which ones to retain and which ones I don’t need to make too much space for. Now I kind of understand why some people at parties look like they have ZERO interest in mingling and connecting. 

I want to take a slow day for myself today, do some writing and reflection. But actually do it. 

Okay, so maybe I can start with the biggest thing on my mind today. Which is the decision around geographical movement for myself. For a few months now, I’ve been thinking about moving back to India (for the time-being). I’ve always thought that here’s where I want to build my life, and though enough people have tried to convince me that I may not actually want to this, I’m now sure that I will never know until I actually try it for myself. So, that’s that. But if I were to humour the world for a little bit, and because it does make sense to, I’d like to seriously articulate or tap into the reasons behind this desire. 

  • I want my familial connections and existing connections (some of my existing close friends) to be a more frequent part of my social routines. Not just over calls and videos, but IRL. And not just once or twice or thrice a year, but more frequently.
  • I just feel more connected to the overall “vibes” of the Indian cities that I’ve grown up in or spent time in. And yes, that’s not to say that you can’t build this anywhere else, but so far, I’d rather explore what already is than try to build this somewhere else.
  • I do like some aspects of Indian culture: the food, the TV, the media and content, and though I can “bring” with myself a lot of it wherever I go, I can’t really connect more with it (or deepen it) without literally being here. 
  • The freedom around career choices: While this is going to be a hard, confusing, potentially frustrating question by itself, I still want the choice to quit my job whenever I want to or take long-term breaks without having to think about completely changing my life.
  • If I ever reach a point where I can help other people grow, I want the people here to benefit most from it. ie I guess I want to give back (maybe I can’t do enough of that remotely). 

Okay, I think the reasoning is mostly sound. Now, to the fears behind this. 

  1. Feels like a big, relatively irreversible move. My (recent) judgement of India seems to be from breaks over the holidays etc. So can I really predict how I’ll feel on a day-to-day basis? Probably not. But does that necessarily mean it’ll be bad? Probably not, either. And that’s what I find out. So it’s an experiment of sorts, and of course, the cost to the experiment seems quite high. But I also know that if I want to come back to a tech job, I know it’s possible with some preparation. So it’s big yes, but maybe not necessarily irreversible.
  2. The way I’m currently planning to do this is to take a break from job. This has come about from the need of me wanting some freedom (in terms of time and work commitments) to spend some time doing the things I want to do. And I’m worried that this freedom will eventually get boring and I won’t know what to do next. 

The counter to this has to be a belief in my inner self. That even if I do get bored and find myself without any answers as such, I will be able to cope with that. 

The other thing I need to do is set some intentions behind the move+break. I think the primary intention is to find work that I can feel more aligned with. And to at least figure out what kind of work that’ll end up being for me. I can’t narrow this down more, because that is daunting, at the moment at least. I have options that I want to explore, but the exploration itself cannot happen right now. And of course, to figure out whether an Indian city is truly a place I can be in for the long haul or not. 

036a – updates and questions

“How are you?” — Nobody’s asked me that in a while. Well, at least not in a way where I could have told them how I am, really. Actually, I suppose mom kinda did ask me this today, but it didn’t feel enough. Not sure why. 

It feels silly to think about this while the US is going through a massive setback. While my social media feed has already made me numb to the news. But it is what it is, I suppose. I feel what I feel. And what I feel is some kind of loneliness, as I often do. 

I’m in India for a month, for my sister’s wedding. Super happy for her and all that, of course. But it’s been a lot of work, and I don’t see that changing. It’d all be fine, I feel, except I have a big problem to solve within the next 3 weeks. It’s an administrative problem, so not really worth talking about here, but suffice to say it’s taking up a lot of mental space and isn’t something I can avoid.   

I feel like Indian weddings really need to be scaled down a bit. Or I don’t know. The brunt of planning really shouldn’t fall on civilians like us, unless they really want it to. Or well, I guess I’m just unhappy with the situation I’m in, and I don’t need to generalize it for the whole country. Point being, I feel like I could have been way happier for her if there wasn’t such a huge, stressful multiple day event being planned around it. I am an anxious cat, after all.

Sometimes I really wonder if I need to delete my social media accounts etc. I’m definitely spending more time on scrolling than I want to be. My counter has always been that I really enjoy posting (creative outlet, etc) and that that part of it isn’t addictive either. So if I delete accounts completely, what would then be a good replacement for the part that acts a nice little motivator for my creative pursuits? I don’t know yet. I think the simple answer is that it’ll have to be more internal. And I feel like I have it in me, but it feels like a big change. I suppose that’s all the more reason to do it. I don’t really need it anyway.

I’m also a little sad that I’ve only been doing 500-word posts lately and no 1000-word posts. I feel like some of the good stuff really comes up when you push past the discomfort that comes up around 600-650 words. I guess I’ll keep this in mind the next time.

Alright, last chunk. Some questions I want to think about, whenever I find some time for myself: 

  • [Ick] Career stuff. This is really icky right now, but I really need to look into this. 
  • [Ick] Geography stuff. Should I think about this independently, or otherwise? 
  • [Task] Restart therapy and singing lessons. The only two things which were providing a nice routine for me up until March. And hopefully therapy can also help me find some time for the former two issues. 

Okay I’m out, good night! 

035a – big changes 

Really need the noise to quieten down. External, internal, all of it. Anxiety’s been pretty high lately. I “overthink” every little decision I have to go through. Wish some of the days would pass by easier. A 4-day long weekend in the middle of apartment hunting is just the worst. The first thing everyone asks me when they talk to me is whether I found a house yet or not. It’s frustrating, though I’m not sure why. Because I’m worried about it? It’s a trigger, I guess. 

Everyone’s priorities in life are so different, it’s hard to remember that it’s okay that that’s the case. The context that’s shaped all of us is so different, even if we may have somehow ended up in the same location at this point in time. Someone said the past doesn’t really matter, it’s what you decide in this moment that shapes you. It sounds wonderful, but I’m not sure if I believe it.

Need to do some of the mundane things: cleanup, etc. Need my space to be better for relaxation. (and work too, lol) 

I actually don’t have a lot of “things” to do right now, not too many. But until I finalize a house I’m just not able to focus on any of the smaller stuff, even if it’s really tiny. So far, I think I liked San Francisco better than Amsterdam.. though I’m aware the former has three whole years on the other. I used to think I’m good with casual parties every day and that I might enjoy them too, but man – this city really is on a whole other level. Or so it feels. I do crave some like-minded people around me though. Someone I could really share FeELinGs with.

I’m really envious of people who can adjust to big changes (or I guess even smaller changes) faster. I know I’m not like them, though how I wish I were. I miss the people I’ve said goodbye to, but even more – I miss the feelings I’ve said goodbye to. And it’s that classic problem – even if I were to go back to those people and try to feel the same things, I wouldn’t. Because they were unique to that time. And it’s fine, I’m not closed to what’s in store for me, I know I’ll learn to enjoy other things and other people, but I guess there’s just a lot of weeks I need to go through before I can get to that.

My third week here is about to end in a couple of days. Let’s see what it brings before it ends. Amsterdam, be good to me. 🙂 ❤ 

034b – art v/s. skills

Alright, it’s been a while since I’ve written, it’s due. 

Life’s been interesting, now that I think about it. I consumed some pot, so I’m pretty active. Plus, I slept in the day, so I’m pretty active. 

I’ve got this .. problem? of sorts. I feel quite all over the place, when it comes to practicing art lately. I’ve found that I enjoy 4-5 forms quite a lot – music (guitar, learning keys, singing), digital drawing, writing (poetry, blog..kind formats, and comedy-sketches-typeof things.) 

Soo let’s break this down into pieces. 

Why is this a problem? Is it a problem? Well, I got limited time. If I’m spending 4-5 hours of my free time on 2-3 different things (ideas) everyday, that’s probably making me inefficient / suboptimal. In terms of.. well, output, as well skill development. 

One counter to this could definitely be increased organization. If I’m spending some time on structure and logging, I could probably reduce the overhead caused by context-switches etc. Alright well, I organized my notes directories. I’m actually pretty happy with it! I have deep faith in organizational tools, and making time for them. 

Anyway, coming back to the problem breakdown. The deeper philosophical question: why is reduced output or reduced efficiency bad? What are my personal motivations behind creation or art, and what am I losing out on, then?
I think I have talked about this before, but for me there are two primary purposes of art:
1. expression, and 2. connection.
There could also be some secondary purposes. One (perhaps) is skill development. 

The expression part, I think I’m good with. My natural self is able to find enough time and ways to handle that. So what remains is connection. And maybe a bit of skill development. 

I think.. the connection part also, I’m good with. What remains then, is just this wish to be more.. skilled? But not sure of the reasons for it. Until my skills (or the lack thereof) are being a hindrance to what I want to express, I shouldn’t need to worry about skill development. Okay, I’m good with that conclusion.

To recap, one: I start being a little more organized. Which means: taking more notes, finding time for regular structure updates, setting weekly or monthly goals. (Also I noticed as I started filling up some of the docs, that as with tasks etc, my perception is probably pretty bad. The number of ideas or whatever I have in my head aren’t actually as much as I think I do, at a given point in time.) two: I reduce worrying about skills and where I’m at in those individual journeys. I recognize (or acknowledge) that that’s more of a distracting thought. I don’t need to know all the scales before I can express myself with music. I don’t need to be good at Procreate before I can express myself with drawings. Etc.

Onward!

034a – hey, 2022


I didn’t really get much time to reflect this month. Had a couple of flights in which I’d done some writing, but nothing similar to what I’d managed to do last year. Last year I had goals – small, big, I had achievements, I had pillars I wanted to focus on in the (then) coming months.. all the works. 

I think this year I’ve been avoiding it a bit. Since I just got back from India around a week back, i’m still getting used to being alone, etc. I’ve been watching a lot of TV for some sense of normalcy, and trying to curb my smoking, for the most parts. 

I think that’s also the major thought I’m trying to avoid. i.e. whether I should be working on reducing (quitting?) smoking this year. It’s a hard thought.. I’m already anxious around it all the time, why would I deliberately sit and think about it, right? 

But I’ve been forgetting how facing these devious thoughts is the only way to make them lose their power. So, here I am. Ready now, I think. 

Let’s start with the big blocks I want to be focusing on. A rare moment of clarity made me realize those are going to be love, peace and growth. I don’t think this needs more thought, I can’t think of anything else that’s more important. Well, alright – maybe discipline a bit? Routines, in some ways. Though I don’t feel too strongly about that so I probably won’t be trying too hard on that. Health, though.. is a whole other conversation. Health is going to be important to think about, it needs to be. My aim for January is going to be to track smoking, and not let it go beyond 2-3 cigarettes a day. I think I will also need to add some physical exercise to my week. It’s been completely absent for almost the last 6 months. Mornings, as much as I can. Evenings, if mornings don’t work out. Diet, I think a bit as well. Would want to eat healthier. Of course I would have to break all this down into more actionable goals, but this is a good start, for now. 

I want to continue to create more.. content / art / watchamacallit. So that’s continuing to write, clicking pictures, playing and making more music (with more people as well). 

Love. SIGH. I think it’s looking more clear that it’s going to be hard for me to organically meet someone. I might have to accept that dating apps is where it’s at, for me. Once I accept that fully, I’ll probably be able to put in the work as well. Let’s see though, I don’t know if I feel like thinking about this right now.. 

Insecurities, self-confidence, self-acceptance.. I think that’s going to continue to be an ongoing journey, but I want to stay on the path, even if it’s never ending. I definitely don’t want to stop the “fight” so to say. 

Alright, I think that’s all I can do for now, happy new year folks! 

033b – monday blues

Today feels like the perfect Sunday to try writing a little bit. I have a couple drafts waiting to be released but I’ve been unable to bring the word-count up, so a fresh attempt this will be. The last few weeks have been terribly busy, both actually and mentally. Had internal interviews, had a small public-ish music thing (yes!! more on that in this post, hopefully), had multiple Diwali parties to go to for the first time in a while, and on top of all this I’m making travel plans and god that shit is incredibly time-consuming. 

I do feel a little hungover from yesterday night though, so I’m not sure how coherent I might end up being. Forgive me if not very. Smoking has gone up from the last time I might have written anything, so today I’m trying this new thing where every time I feel like smoking, I’m just going to clean up a bit of my surroundings instead. 

I’ve been feeling very free ever since Friday went by, though now that Monday’s approaching again I’m thinking about some of the work that I didn’t do on Friday. Probably going to go do that right now and come back to this in a bit. 

— 

Well, I didn’t pick this up yesterday, but I’m back here now. It’s hard to sit still and write. Today’s been an anxious day again. The sun didn’t come out, and I find that completely kills my productivity. It’s 4pm now and I would like to do things before the light goes away. (Daylight savings sucks, it really does). I really want to restart working out a bit, I’ve completely given it up since the last few months. 

Lately, I’ve also been struggling to make emotional space for dating. Not sure what it is, in some ways I feel quite emotionally independent. Which I always thought would be a great thing, but I’m not sure anymore.  

Ah, my thoughts are all over the place right now. How does one manage this? Todo lists etc also get old. I keep making new ones every time I have a bunch of new tasks on my radar. Maybe I’m over-stimulated. That’s a thing, right? Maybe I should meditate a bit after this is done. Provided that ever happens. 

Work’s been a little annoying, there’s a bunch of vague things I need to get done. It’s not super stressful but most of the stuff isn’t well-defined.. which was rarely a problem for me before but I think today is just not a good day for me, perhaps. I should also cut myself some slack, my “move” problem takes up a lot of space in my head, without me being able to account for it. Guess I should wrap that up by the end of this week. 

Alright well, this really was just a brain dump. My apologies, folks. I’ll hopefully have something interesting to talk about soon enough, and I’ll make time and space to make it a coherent read for you. 

033a – flights, again

Well, I’m in a 5-hour flight again. Flying to Boston. We’re going to attempt to catch some fall foliage in and around New England. I’m really excited, this has been on my “list” for a while now. It’s also my last fall in the US for the short-medium term, so of course, it’s extra special. 

I’m not sure the timing’s great though. I have a couple weeks to prep for interviews etc., and managing that along with work is going to be a little hard. And for some reason lately, I’ve been wanting to create more and more content all day, all the time. Not sure why I have so much to express suddenly. Could it be possible that our brains go on overdrive in whichever universe we immerse them into? 

That is to say, if I cut off all contact with music, poetry, photography, etc. for a couple weeks, I’ll be able to focus on work and interviews? I should give that a real shot. 

I suppose it’s okay though, I’m sure life will work out one way or the other. Worst case I just end up going to India instead. 

My laptop’s going to be out of juice soon, what a pain it’d be to have to dig into the depths of my backpack to take out the charger. 

I met someone amazing the other day. I’d really like to see her again. I haven’t asked yet, we’ll see how that goes. I’m realizing that the full (overt) vulnerability thing might be a bit tricky when it comes to dating, etc. I post a lot on the internet, including this blog, but what if someone I’m currently seeing comes across it? It might be a little crazy to have so much information about someone before really getting to know them.
Although, I think about the various people I follow online, and I suppose if I did meet them in “real life”, it’s not necessary that I’d fuse their “work” with them. While it’s true that everything we create is in some ways a part of us, that’s all it is, right? It’s not necessarily our identity. 

Anyway, I realized last night that I’d like to share more of my poetry with more people. I’d like to participate in open mics as well. I’ve found a virtual open mic coming up the next weekend and I think I might try to attend that. Man, life really is short, isn’t it? So much to do, such little time. 

This flight thing isn’t too bad though, it’s nice to get this sort of focus time where I don’t really have to do anything, so I’m free to do anything I want – under the being-a-thousand-miles-away-from-earth constraints, of course. 

I just checked my word count, we’re already at 500 words. Could it be.. could this actually become a 1000-word post after many, many months? 

My phone’s been out of storage lately so I was unable to download offline music for this flight. (I mean I thought I’d downloaded it but only once when I was up in the air I’d realized that wasn’t the case). But the coolest thing just happened. The flight wifi details state that it doesn’t support audio/video streaming, but I tried to play something on youtube and it worked. I wonder if it’s a bug or a feature. I’m not telling them though, not trying to find out.

In other news, I think addictions are a little crazy. I think I’m softly addicted to the feeling of being seen. While I’ve now accepted that it’s completely acceptable to share your work (or thoughts and feeling), etc., as much as you’d like to, I’d still like to be at peace even when I’m not getting to share it? As soon as I got on the flight today I felt restless. I immediately wanted to purchase wi-fi and talk to people. 

Could I.. what if I’m more extroverted than I’d thought? Ah just kidding, I hadn’t met anyone in 2 business days, even my introversion has limits. 

Holy shit, I just saw the most orange cloud of clouds I’ve seen in a while. And the whole thing looked especially insane from above the clouds. Don’t think I’ve seen something like this. Will add pictures once I reach earth.  

Anyway, I just realized I still have a whole 2 hours to go in here, so I think I’m going to use this time to peruse some interview prep material to easy a little bit of my stress and worries. Catch y’all later, humans. 

031b – welcome, september

Humans don’t provide much comfort today, so here I am again. Have to get over more feelings I recently acquired. Vulnerability doesn’t feel easy either. Friends are good, nice, magical even, but things are hard still. Art is nice, helpful, magical even, but things are quite difficult anyway. 

Been watching this show called Normal People and Hulu and it’s probably one of the best, most beautiful things I’ve seen on TV. Pretty emotionally intense, to the point that it can even become hard to watch sometimes, but man did they do a good job on it. 

Life is a little tough lately, the matters of the heart have come around to bother me once again. I will be spending the next few weeks attempting to get over someone. Once again, I find myself wishing that feelings were easier, though I know that wouldn’t achieve anything. I want time to pass faster because I’m hoping it’ll do its thing, but I also don’t want it to – for multiple reasons, one simply being that I only have a few more months here in the States. 

I spoke to an ex on call after a few months today, and if I’m being honest it made me feel really good – mostly because I realized how, given enough time, feelings do pass, and eventually you’re able to see people as simply friends, or people, regardless of how strongly you might have felt about them at a point in time. 

I have 1.5 days of the long weekend still left with me, I’d like to catch up on chores and some housework before Tuesday arrives – things have been pending for quite a few weeks now. I also wanted to work on some music stuff, but unable to find the inspiration for it. I know the lyrics are decent and the melody for the verse is pretty decent too, just haven’t been able to figure out how the chorus should go. Ah well, should probably treat it with a little more respect and just sit down at my desk to work on this, rather than hoping that it’ll come to me in my sleep or something. Also want to make some travel plans for the end of this month. And as usual, need to follow up on some emails. Wow, this might just be turning into a verbose todo list. 

Anyway, love (or lack thereof) is hard. I miss having constant friends (people) around. At this age people move around so quick, or they keep traveling, or they’re just busy. Everyone’s seems to be living in the abundance mindset, maybe I need to as well. My smoking addiction is off the charts – noting it down here so I have some accountability. Maybe I should get a vape to transition into quitting. Sleep’s been much better though. 

Clearly haven’t written in a while since 500 words is getting hard to reach. I know it’s not a big deal but I’ll try to be regular again (for myself, of course). Happy September!

030b – creative queues and time management

I finally had a gin and tonic the other day. They charged us a fortune for it. We found a table outside and talked for an hour. There were heaters above us so the air didn’t feel as chilly as it generally does. The time was perfect, most of the evening crowd had gone home, but it wasn’t dead either. The city’s quite beautiful at night. The moon was out, it was a little foggy (as it often is), there’s enough voices to keep you grounded but not so many that you get overwhelmed.  

I got back home and realized I can’t do something like that every night. I mean, I wouldn’t want to. Part of the magic just lies in the novelty of it. I need to be okay with the routine and the day-to-day as well. I want to be able to enjoy that. I can’t always keep looking for something exciting, new, wild (??) to do. 

I got a haircut the next day so that was fun. I’d let my hair grow out for more than eight months now so that’s been crazy. Today wasn’t great though. I ended up sleeping in the whole day, missed all the sunlight – and the week’s kicking off tomorrow so I’m a little worried about how it’s going to go. 

I’ve been worried about all the things that have been brewing in my head and taking up space. So much so I’ve ended up procrastinating on this post as well. Now that I’m finally in it though, it seems fine – it’s not as much material as I thought it’d be. (As usual, I guess?) 

I don’t think I’m excited about being in tech. Even though it’s one of the biggest “things” in the world and I’m sure I’ll have a ton of fomo whenever I “switch” fields (if I end up doing it, that is), yet I think I want to accept that it doesn’t excite me enough. I just genuinely really want to be successful at a creative job.

But there’s the hard part, right? I can’t guarantee the success. 

I’ve been debating about what the next “phase” of my life is going to be. Where do I want to be next, where do I want to go next? Summer’s about to be over soon and I’m going to have to start taking some decisions, eventually. The uncertainty’s eventually going to get to me. 

Time management’s been a little hard. I think I’ve been all over the place. Between my social goals, creative goals, travel goals, relationship (??) goals and my job and chores – I feel like I can’t get everything done. I’m also aware that this is a common problem and that it’s okay, but I wonder if there’s a way to prioritize or set some boundaries or constraints at the start of a week to have some guidelines to follow as you execute? That sounds like a decent idea. I’m going to give that a shot this week.  

Welp, I hit 500 words exactly. So I think that’s a wrap. Time to celebrate – I’m finally done with the 30k milestone! Hope you all have a good week ahead.