travel – untitled atm

110b – back home

Welp. Back from an exhausting trip to Goa. Being away from home for 10 days can be a lot for me and it’s been a while since I’ve done that, though this time I didn’t feel that intense longing for home I generally do on the 7th or 8th day. So I suppose that’s pretty cool. I practiced riding a 2-wheeler— something I’ve been wanting to do since AGES. It was also fun to see how comfortable I’m sharing space with Y for a significantly long period of time (10 days is a lot for the both of us!), and I think it was quite decent!

I did get sick in the middle for around two days (had to get a rabies shot since a young doggo (accidentally) bit me and the shot causes fever as a side-effect), and since we were living in a bit of a “foresty” area, we even spotted a langur on one of the afternoons. “Spotted” is an understatement actually, it came into our balcony while we were in the living room— luckily, we saw it in time and managed to close the balcony door before it could come inside. So, in terms of “wildlife” the trip was lowkey adventurous lol. But apart from that things were mostly good!

This trip was also supposed to be a test trip because we’ve been considering moving to Goa in a couple months. Wrt that, I do have certain concerns: the weather (it was VERY humid and I imagine the monsoons won’t be easy either), safety (we definitely didn’t feel very safe walking out at night post 10pm), healthcare and other emergencies (there were no hospitals within a 3km radius of where we were staying, and even if there was one— you’re completely reliant on your own vehicle to get to a place).. yeah I suppose that’s it.

Overall though, we did enjoy our time quite a lot and 10 days went by pretty easily. I do love the relaxed atmosphere and culture of the place, people are mostly quite nice and friendly, and the living expenses would be lesser than that of a city like, say, Delhi or Bangalore. So, yeah, I suppose we’ll see.

I’m glad to be back, in some ways, but both Y and I are feeling very exhausted since our flight yesterday was delayed by 4 hours and we only got home around 4am. If 10 days away from home weren’t enough, that’ll do it.

Overall, not feeling too inclined to “do” too much, I think I’m back to my “let’s just make time for people and experiences” phase for a bit, I’m not sure if I have the energy and motivation to do things (creative or otherwise).

So yeah I suppose I’ll just rest and recover over the weekend and then see how to structure the coming week. Don’t really have a ton of time to settle into anything here though, since I’m traveling again from 13-23rd. So we’ll see we’ll see. Anyway, that’s it from me really I think.

Happy March, folks! xx

109a – december blues (contd)

Crazy couple of weeks. I have a nephew now! Feels pretty surreal, I suppose it won’t really sink in until I go meet him. Attended a couple of weddings, met a lot of people. Did realise (or re-realise) that I weddings are a lot for me, mentally and emotionally, and yeah, like I’ve mentioned before, seriously reconsidering how much more of this I can continue to do on a yearly basis.

The next few days are pretty busy, socially, still, and that’s okay. Perhaps I’m even looking forward to continue to meet friends and spend time with them.

I do miss my sister and kind of want to visit her in Jan/Feb, but I really absolutely detest the longass flight, so I suppose we’ll see.

January is really going to be about planning moving. It’s a bit stressful but honestly definitely looking forward to moving out of Delhi. It’s become a lot. Plus a change of scenery would really be nice.

I have an updated opinion on road-trips— I used to think they’re pretty exhausting and stressful, but I’ve realised that opinion was formed primarily because I used to mostly travel with family, and their opinions and energy would affect me a lot. Traveling with friends (or basically people you feel safe with) is quite different and as long my agency is not super-compromised, road-trips can be fun too.

Lots of stuff to process still, but I’m finding myself unable to write freely. I don’t know what it is exactly. Expression seems somewhat pointless these days. I think AI everywhere has got me a bit bummed about everything. I realised that people around me have integrated AI tools heavily into their lives, and I don’t know why that makes me so uneasy. Am I going to become one of those old boomers who’re always on about the perils of technology and get “left behind”? Is there value to my feelings of resistance or is it just change of any sort that I’m fearing? I’m not sure, I also don’t know where to begin introspection on this topic.

So much to do and yet such little motivation to do those things. I’m also not sure what my social values are— I find myself losing some connections and although part of me is okay with it, there is also a part of me which wonders if I’ll regret this later.. not very sure.

December is weird, that’s for sure. Anyway, I should probably just figure dinner and then get on with the day, whatever’s left of it.

Cheers, folks xx

103b – foggy

Up early even though I don’t think I’m fully rested. Probably the jet lag. The last 3-4 days have been kind of confusing— happy to back to Delhi in some ways but also very dysregulated in some. Don’t think this is the city I want to continue to live in, but also very unsure of “where to, next”. I do feel the need to organise my space a bit, it’s been very cluttered lately and I feel like it’s a factor in how blocked I feel with “productivity”.

Been feeling quite directionless (well, pulled in many directions) but stagnant because one is not much stronger than the others. I do miss being creative and the ability to just sit down with myself and my thoughts for hours and hours. I think I need alone time.

The SF trip was super fun and I’m glad I did it. It did however make me feel like I do miss certain parts of that life which I must try to incorporate into my current life. What are those parts? I think better weather, more mobility, walkability, cleanliness outside, going out more often, feeling more energetic and active. But primarily, better weather. I feel like weather makes SUCH a huge difference to my nervous system but I have only properly realised that now. I don’t know how I was able to spend more than a year in India without fully realising the gravity of how much I was not able to be “fully” myself.

There are certain things that I am interested in beginning, but unable to find myself from actually doing it. I think I’m feeling a stagnation that I just can’t describe properly. I know the only way out is to actually go ahead and do said things, but..

I think A needs a lot more help than she’d care to admit (and it’s the same for me, in so many ways), and I also don’t want to push any of my “new” ideas of productivity on her. Well, I don’t know where this is coming from. Maybe certain thought patters of her are affecting me a bit too. And again, that goes back to needing my alone time.

I’m also VERY conflicted about pursuing something so that it can eventually fetch me some money or to actually go ahead and try those almost no-income internships/opportunities just to understand the kind of work that exists in those kind of roles. My heart says to opt for the latter, because not sure when’s the next time I’ll have the chance to make that kind of a choice too, what if things change in life a couple years down the line where I definitely have to make the more monetarily-informed decision.. so yes, it makes sense to go ahead with what I want right now as opposed to what I necessarily need. And yet, everytime there’s a delay in any of it, I find myself questioning things again.

Well, there is it. I do have some answers. Going to go ahead and act on them. Cheers, folks! xx

103a – enroute san francisco

Haven’t been able to journal at all. I’m not sure what’s happened to me over the last ten days.. I feel quite dissociated and maybe that’s part of the problem.

There is a bigger problem though. Every time I sit down to write I can’t figure out what I want to write about. This is not a new problem, but it’s a problem I haven’t faced too recently. Except for the last 2-3 months— wherein this problem has been very present.

Honestly I’d love to write about how lovely it is that my flight is taking a very scenic route over the Pacific Ocean and how the surface of the water glows under the 3pm sun and how the clouds seem to be merging with the sky and the water and how there are a few islands that I can spot even though we’re probably pretty high up— islands that I think I’m able to spot on the map too— probably the Chanel islands of California.

I’d love to write about how the water is so beautiful that it makes me realise that despite having lived in California for over three years I never really took a proper dip in the water. I know why I didn’t— but I’d like to change that. I don’t know if I can do that this trip, but within the next couple years, I’d definitely like to change that.

I feel guilty for expecting too much from people. Luckily my partner is the same as me, so we keep high expectations from each other, I feel quite grateful for that, but hanging out with other people does make me realise that there are enough people who don’t function this way. People who’re willing to tolerate so many little things, who don’t want to change or accommodate or really who’re just not willing to understand the people around them. Anyway, I know this is all abstracted out for anyone reading this to really understand what’s going on, so my apologies for that.

Y and I want to go away to Goa for a month or so (we recently found that a friend is subleasing her place and it would be perfect for us) BUT I just remember today that I don’t think I have a 2 wheeler license! And one of the main reasons I wanted to go was to be able to practice 2-wheeler driving. What a bummer, eh.

The pacific coast really is just so beautiful. I can see the clouds so low, they’re almost touching the land.

102b – welcome, september

I think I’m still wired to the “productivity” bug / capitalist lens. Maybe that’s okay to an extent, I know I don’t have to question every impulse all the time. But also there is clearly something that makes me question this particular impulse. I’m in California and jet lagged, but now that it’s 6 am— I felt like I couldn’t just lay in bed and “not sleep” anymore. Felt like I had to get up and do something.

Anyway, now that I’ve acknowledged that, I’m going to allow myself to give in to this impulse (conditioned or otherwise). I haven’t journaled in a couple days so this is important too.

Parents and I are visiting sister and brother in law here in San Diego! Very exciting, very nourishing. (very demure, lol). The journey was hella long and I was almost questioning whether all of it is worth it or not.. but that feeling did evaporate as soon as I landed. I still don’t have a verdict, ie I’m still not saying that “it is worth it”, but it might be. We’ll see.

One of my parents is very controlling and I’m learning to live with that again. I end up being quite overstimulated after half / three quarters of a day and I’m also learning to live with that.

The light, the sun, the weather, the peace otherwise is quite amazing. Landing in San Francisco felt like a reunion of sorts, I did feel quite a bit “at home”. Of course, more in this feeling after the trip is complete.

I was quite dreading the three weeks apart from Y but I’m feeling like it’s going to be doable, at least for me. I hope it’s not too crazy for her either.

I’m carrying my camera this time too (after many, many trips!) and kind of exciting to go out and get some good pictures from that too. Some of my best pictures ever have been from California and I hope maybe I can get something cool again.

I’ve realised that being interrupted and being “spoken for” are really big pet peeves (triggers?) for me and it’s something that I will at some point need to communicate to the people who are in my life (especially the ones who aren’t mindful about not doing this). But there are two specific people with whom it’s also not easy to communicate certain things.

I do feel like I have the bandwidth to do “other” things. What other things though, I’m not very sure. That’s the whole problem I suppose. I do need to go out for a walk too— been kind of indoors for around 36 hours…

Anyway, kind of struggling to get to 500 words right now, so I’ll suppose I’ll stop. Might even be worth thinking about whether I’m still running behind word-count, or can I afford to “challenge” myself in different ways when it comes to this too. But more on that later.

Happy august! xx

101a – writing, love and comfort

I’m passionate about writing, I know this. But I haven’t been writing as much lately. I’ve been busy falling in love, there’s just no other way to say this. I don’t know if it’ll last, I really can’t know this, of course. But I feel really good about her, about us. I hope we make it, whatever that means.

I do have strong imposter syndrome when it comes to creative activities, and I know the only way to even move towards addressing it would be to start looking for paid work. But I can’t do that for another three months, so how do I address it for now? By writing, or by “doing the thing” anyway, I suppose.

Falling in love has been great but I know I haven’t been doing much work. I also know it’s okay to not be productive etc etc, but fact is I do live in this society, and I do feel like I don’t want to let life go by. It’s okay if I don’t do anything “great” as such, but I do want to feel the fulfilment and satisfaction that comes with doing some sort of work on a regular basis. (I’m not talking about paid work necessarily, just work.) Just something to show for the time I’m living that’s not purely related to “just” joy.

So I will write today and I’ll make sure to publish this post. I also think not engaging with writing or music keeps me away from doing other things too. I feel less productive in all ways, if I’m not writing. So I’ll write this week and see if it makes a difference. A better difference.

June is halfway complete. In 20 days we’ll be halfway through 2024. I’ll be 2 months away from turning 29. These are all different ways of saying the same thing— that I’m really happy and content, I think.

In some ways I really want June to be over because it’s insanely hot here and I can’t wait for summers to be less intense. But I also don’t want June to be over because I’ll have to be away from home for three weeks this coming July and even though I’m really looking forward to the trip, I’m not looking forward at all to being away from my comfort person for so long. Classic mixed, bittersweet feelings. I guess that’s good information too, information that I can keep in mind the next time I plan long trips.

I saw this movie called “The Hours” the other day and I really liked it. I liked how inspiring it was in terms of writing goals and writing stories, even though I often worry a bit about how artists and writers are “romanticised” in certain ways which can be almost harmful to the mouldable mind.

Anyway, how do I feel? I feel okay. I’m glad I wrote a full post after fifteen days and I’m glad I’m going to hit publish. I’m glad I can say that I’m in love without cringing too much and I’m glad the summer decline is close. I’m looking forward to a lot of things (even with the cost) and I’d like to list them all for myself tomorrow. I feel like it’ll be a good exercise. I’m glad I finally have “tasks” I can look forward to as well. I was missing this feeling for a while.

Happy June folks, cheers xx

100a – may updates

Back from travels, it was all surprisingly nice. The travel anxieties didn’t hit me as hard as they generally do and the pros (like weather, good landscapes, the general mountainside peace and quiet) was very very worth the little bit inconvenience of the actual “traveling”. Of course, this was also my “first trip” with Y and so I’m quite happy to record that it was all quite smooth.

Being back in Delhi has been quite unpleasant even though it’s just been slightly over 24 hours. The weather is just absolutely horrendous, it’s quite intolerably hot. I really don’t know how people are continuing to function business as usual, and why we’re even expected to. It’s supposed to get better by the end of this week, though, and I’m hoping to god that’s true.

There are sufficient things to look forward to in June, though, so I’m just going to attempt to focus on those for now. Mom’s birthday is coming up, another short trip with friends, plans with Y and her brother, maybe another open-mic or something if the weather gets a bit better— yeah I suppose that’s it for now.

I also want to do more reading and writing, but really, I find myself at a loss of things to write about. It almost feels like nothing else is worth writing or talking about with everything that’s happening in the world. I find that I feel more this way whenever I visit social media, which, in certain ways is good, I suppose, there are benefits to “spreading the word”, but I also feel that sometimes I just end up feeling very restricted. That it would perhaps seem insensitive to speak about anything else at all. This feeling comes up quite often, every time something tragic happens, the news takes over all of social media, and then you do feel insensitive for talking about other things. But I don’t know, I haven’t found a solution to this yet.

My apartment situation has been a bit troublesome and I’ve been feeling some anxiety about how my landlord may not renew my lease, but hasn’t told me about it so far. I think it’s all a bit unfair but I also don’t know if there’s much (if anything) in my control. If they decide to not renew it they ideally do need to tell me in a couple days more at most, so I’m just counting on that. It’ll be quite a bother to move at this time but I have to, I’d rather know about it sooner than later.

Overall, quite upset with how much power differences there are in the world. Capitalism, eh?

Hopefully June will be better than May was, I guess.

I’d also like to learn to be content and happier about the things that are right than be upset about what’s not. Like they say, I’d learn to focus on the positives. I don’t know. It’s tougher than it used to be. I have a good emotional support circle (including friends, family, a really great partner), I am financially okay, and I am in relatively decent health. (Knock on wood). I have creative pursuits that fulfil me emotionally and intellectually, I suppose that’s enough to celebrate?

Then what do I feel that feels so difficult to face? Why do the troubles feel bigger than everything that’s good? I’m not sure. This may be the first time in many weeks that writing about these things doesn’t seem to solve them, either. Could it be that I’m avoiding something else? I know I want to look for work post September, and I know I don’t want to do that right now for sure, yet, I think it does bring up a certain amount of anxiety to think that maybe I’m delaying the search for work for peace and relaxation. Maybe it’s because my music lessons are also paused at the moment so I feel like I may be officially “wasting my time”. Yeah, I think that’s it. Guess I can find something actionable in here.

Okay, that’s it for now from me. Hope y’all are having a decent end to this month! Cheers xx

091a – content, grateful and ambitious

Back to Delhi. Back to thinking about work and projects. Kind of happy with all of it. Had a terrible flight back but all worth it. I think traveling is such a great way to get new input, data and feelings and gives me a lot of stimulus about things I naturally care about. Feeling pretty good about the frequencies that I know I like with traveling now.

I’d like to sleep by 2-2:30am which means that I’m time boxing this word vomit once again. What are the major things on my mind lately that I’d like to think about? Polyamory, physical intimacy, art, music, production, reading, giving up addictions, grooming, haircut, health related tasks, how much emotional bandwidth can I give to friends and family, how much work can I get done in Feb considering my sister’s visiting and I don’t get enough time with her throughout the year, yeah that’s about it I think.

I’m doing a freelance photography gig (event based thing) for some family this weekend and I’d like to do it well (more so) since I’m getting paid for it, would like to take some tips from people I know who’ve done this before. Editing etc is something I may need to do some research on. Actually kind of excited for this!

Lately I start writing a ton of word vomits but I never get past 200-300 words. I’m not very sure why. Is it really possible that I don’t have enough to process? Or do I have more people around me which allows me to process some things with them instead? I’m not sure, it’s likely the latter though.

Another thing I’ve realised is that I’m definitely more of a space taker than I used to think. Of course, I strive to be considerate and I’m also mindful of how much space I take, but I do take enough of it. Maybe therapy has helped with this too. I like it. I guess writing is also a good way to take a lot of space in the ways you need to. The page is the room you probably actually really need. But it’s a great room. It’s better than most rooms.

Art, safe spaces, mental health, suffering (reducing it if possible for myself and other people), being good— these are the things I really care about.

I’m also glad that I’ve made “niceness” and earnestness almost a pretty big part of my identity (or I’m slowly doing it) and it feels nice that when you stand up for it really strongly, most people don’t try to oppose it. In fact you also learn whether people do actually want to oppose it or not, and if so why etc. When you make claims that most people in theory agree with, but you do it gently, you are making space for questions they may not be brave enough to face themselves actually.

I also used to think I’m not hardworking or ambitious but it’s just that my energies were not being directed into the right things. I feel like lately they have been. So I suppose that’s what makes me happy and content.

090b – intimacy and travel

There is something about leaning on people that feels incredibly rewarding. Intimacy is magical and every time you do something tough in the journey (asking for what you need or want, or something you’d like, or canceling plans with consideration)— you know it can go either way. It can strengthen a connection and add more “events” (data) to it or it can weaken it. Both outcomes are okay but it’s always fun to see where it goes.

I have been spending most of my time in other people’s spaces and lives, and slowly but steadily I allow my life to merge in their spaces, that’s quite fun too.

Today I spent my afternoon in a good friend’s room, he’s moved out of it but some of “him” was still around. I send him a picture of his desk and tell him I’m having fun and he tells me where the trees are if I’d like to improve the view. It was all quite nice. His desk was dusty and yet the afternoon light made it all quite romantic for me. Dusty surfaces in otherwise mostly clean spaces are an interesting little detail to me.

I visited a very old friend in her house in a far-off neighbourhood in the city and I was reluctant to go there, but the trip was quite worth it. I like seeing residential spaces and how different people have different lives. We talked about everything under the sun and I wondered when we’d meet again. In the past we’ve gone many years without meeting and I’m pretty comfortable with that too.

I haven’t been doing as much writing as I’d like to be doing but maybe I’m changing that right now.

We talk about how “if you wanted to, you could write about anything, really” but something stops us, still.

All (okay, most of) my friends are analytical as well as creative and I love that about them.

I was more careful of my energy this time though and I’m quite glad about that. I felt like I was able to balance self-preservation and getting “enough” out of travels pretty well.

Headed to Bombay tomorrow and spending three days there and although I was feeling like I’m done with traveling, I’m finding that I am looking forward to meeting some people. Pretty excited about that.

Also did some good amount of “exposure therapy” over the last few days which I’m happy and content about.

Indulgences though, ah. Back to tapering down from it now, hopeful I can keep at it.

I think getting any new ideas and or art (or cultural expansion) from any sort of traveling makes the travel (or other activities) very worth it. We clicked a lot of pictures, had some good food, recounted old stories, wrote new ones, and that’s more than I could ask for, I suppose.

That’s 90K words! Glad to be here. Don’t think I’d like to get away from this habit, really. I like documenting things, I like noting down how I feel about events and things happening in my life. I do find myself going back to reading these from time to time, which I think serves a nice little purpose for myself too.

069a – passive writing, intentions for the week

I want to sleep before 4am today. Because I really want to wake up before noon tomorrow. Which means writing a word-vomit now, doing some reading and then literally just switching off the lights by 3:45am. Had some friends over today and realised I really care about them. One of them I was meeting after more than 6 months and he’s been going through a bit of tough time. Him getting me upto speed is when I realised how much I really felt for him.

I’ve been a bit triggered about lacking a romantic relationship over the last couple days so today was a bit of grieving the last person I dated. I thought I was mostly over them but today brought some new (old) inner feelings out, I guess. It’s been over a month since we ended things and I expected this much time to be enough for me to grieve. But maybe I need a few weeks more.

I’ve decided to purchase an electric and a semi-acoustic guitar soon but the research part of the purchases is not very fun.

I think I definitely want to complete 2 more songs before the end of this year. That’s doable, I think.

I haven’t taken a flight in a while. I think I’m missing the feeling. Even though flights and travel give me some anxiety, I think even WITH the anxiety, the overall feeling is nice and interesting. Maybe I’ll go somewhere early December.
I guess I used to think the net feeling in a moment is the “sum” of your positive and negative feelings but I think it’s not really that. It’s not [happiness minus anxiety = less happiness]. It’s just (happiness, anxiety). This is actually quite interesting to me. (#epiphanies)

This word-vomit is slow because I keep getting distracted. I’m really tired today though I don’t know why. I’ve slept enough and I didn’t do much. Maybe it’s just that. I didn’t do anything refreshing.

Do I really not have any thoughts at the moment? How is that possible?

I have many tasks to do this week, most of which I’m not looking forward to. So, then, what am I looking forward to, if not those tasks? How can I make this week a bit nice? There’s an open-mic I could sign up for potentially, but I don’t know what songs I’d want to sing. Okay yes, I think I can do this. It’s a task that’s the right amount of challenging, plus it’ll also be nice to move towards my medium-term goal of doing ten open-mics by the mid of next year. It’s also at this queer/mixer event type thing so it could potentially be nice to meet some new people, and I’ve been meaning to find ways to do that anyway.

I want to get back to 1000-word posts because I think more stuff comes out when you write 1000-word posts as opposed to shorter ones, so yeah– that’s something I’ll probably start doing soon. I’ve also decided I’m not switching to substack until I’ve written 10-long posts/essays that I’m actually satisfied with (where the satisfaction rating is at least a 7/10). Alright, these conclusions feel good.