Tag: triggers

102b – welcome, september

I think I’m still wired to the “productivity” bug / capitalist lens. Maybe that’s okay to an extent, I know I don’t have to question every impulse all the time. But also there is clearly something that makes me question this particular impulse. I’m in California and jet lagged, but now that it’s 6 am— I felt like I couldn’t just lay in bed and “not sleep” anymore. Felt like I had to get up and do something. 

Anyway, now that I’ve acknowledged that, I’m going to allow myself to give in to this impulse (conditioned or otherwise). I haven’t journaled in a couple days so this is important too. 

Parents and I are visiting sister and brother in law here in San Diego! Very exciting, very nourishing. (very demure, lol). The journey was hella long and I was almost questioning whether all of it is worth it or not.. but that feeling did evaporate as soon as I landed. I still don’t have a verdict, ie I’m still not saying that “it is worth it”, but it might be. We’ll see. 

One of my parents is very controlling and I’m learning to live with that again. I end up being quite overstimulated after half / three quarters of a day and I’m also learning to live with that. 

The light, the sun, the weather, the peace otherwise is quite amazing. Landing in San Francisco felt like a reunion of sorts, I did feel quite a bit “at home”. Of course, more in this feeling after the trip is complete. 

I was quite dreading the three weeks apart from Y but I’m feeling like it’s going to be doable, at least for me. I hope it’s not too crazy for her either. 

I’m carrying my camera this time too (after many, many trips!) and kind of exciting to go out and get some good pictures from that too. Some of my best pictures ever have been from California and I hope maybe I can get something cool again. 

I’ve realised that being interrupted and being “spoken for” are really big pet peeves (triggers?) for me and it’s something that I will at some point need to communicate to the people who are in my life (especially the ones who aren’t mindful about not doing this). But there are two specific people with whom it’s also not easy to communicate certain things. 

I do feel like I have the bandwidth to do “other” things. What other things though, I’m not very sure. That’s the whole problem I suppose. I do need to go out for a walk too— been kind of indoors for around 36 hours… 

Anyway, kind of struggling to get to 500 words right now, so I’ll suppose I’ll stop. Might even be worth thinking about whether I’m still running behind word-count, or can I afford to “challenge” myself in different ways when it comes to this too. But more on that later. 

Happy august! xx 

072 – easing up

Today was tough. I want to sleep but I also want to write so that it doesn’t feel like a complete waste of a day. Obviously, it’s okay for a day to be wasted also, in the grand scheme of things, if that’s what’s easier in the moment. But I feel like I’ll be happier if I do something, just anything. 

I’d woken up a bit late today— at noon— but had had a perfectly decent start to the day, except it just took a nosedive around 3pm. I got my period and was hit by an anxiety attack out of nowhere. 

It wasn’t zero awareness, I was trying to ride it out using writing, music, grounding techniques etc and waiting for my parents to come back so I could talk to them. But it was still quite tough. And the rest of the evening wasn’t much better either. I think I still feel like I’m in my head a bit. I think it feels really uncomfortable to tune into my body. I don’t know why. Is it possible that I subconsciously opted for mental pain to avoid the physical discomfort? I don’t know. 

Okay, let’s make some space for the anxiety. What am I worried about? 

Definitely experiencing some body dysmorphia. I’m catastrophizing. So what’s the answer to this? Okay, right now— it’s fine, and I’m going to restart medications soon, and note that whatever is meant to happen will happen. If you’re meant to face the worst, you will. Maybe it will mean that the universe has other plans for you. We’ll find out. But we can’t worry about that right now.

I also thought I was experiencing some gender dysphoria. I’m not sure if that’s what it was and I don’t know yet. I took an online quiz and the results say it’s not that likely. However, I do need to make some space for some of the thoughts related to this because they’re obviously not coming out nothingness. 

A job, I think. But okay, I think I can keep this aside until March. 

I’m also a bit worried about my parents. They get really worried about me and they have their own troubles to deal with as well. Ah, I wish this was easier. 

Too many events, people and commitments. I hate Indian weddings. They always stress me out so much, I’m just going to stop going to them from next year onwards. I can’t take it. Okay actually, I just realised that I’ve never officially added them to my fear ladder, maybe I just do that instead. So that I know that when I am attending one, I’m actually doing an exposure and so it’s okay for me to expect anxiety. On the flip side, I’ve been doing some decent amount of exposure therapy anyway so I should be really proud of myself and I don’t need to be doing all kinds of exposures all the time. So I think I can afford to skip the event tomorrow, I really have enough to drive me crazy already. 

And my primary goals really are existing, maintaining sanity, music project (10 original songs), writing project— so why should I make life more difficult for myself by attempting to do a lot of other things?

Yes, I think making life easier is a good strategy for me to follow for the remaining part of this year. Let’s not try to do too much. Let’s prioritise health (mental and physical) over everything else. I think I can (want to) also keep social media intake a bit on the lower end.

Connected detachment.. man that’s really the thing I want to get better at. Obviously I care so much about everything and I think I like that, it’s one of my strengths, but I really want to be okay with things not working out. Like caring about things is fun in and of itself, the outcomes shouldn’t change anything. 

Speaking of, here’s some fun progress updates on the music front: 

  • Half-completed a decent song yesterday, I was writing about silly things but then the song got pretty substantial out of nowhere. It also felt like a proper click, when you find words or sounds that really feel like they’re capturing the essence of what you wanted to say. And I’m really enjoying the process. 
  • Discovered some interesting chords and sounds today while trying to sing about the anxiety stuff earlier in the afternoon. I think it’s cool. I’m done with 5/10 songs and I think I can definitely write 2 more in December. So that’s exciting! 

I really think sometimes I’m just running around in circles. But I know there is some movement, it just comes really slowly sometimes. Let’s just end this on this note. 

What are some silver linings from today? 

  • Did some writing, made some stronger/newer music (I think) because of stronger feelings
     
  • Was able to reach out to therapist, parents, friend before things got too out of hand
     
  • Limited my information intake, didn’t give in to worst fears
     
  • Communicated a bit with my grandmother also, might be a good step in terms of mental health and sanity
     
  • Feel like I’ll be alright by tomorrow and if not worst case by Tuesday. Which is great progress considering something like today would have taken me quite a few days to recover from maybe until a couple years ago. 

  • Body dysmorphia (not going away but I can cope with it), gender dysphoria (will look into this and avoid triggers), people and events (will cut down), job (will push this a bit more).

    Also, big thing – I actually feel quite better now. Feel like I’m back into my body a bit.

Alright, let’s ease up! Stay sane xx