Tag: winters

108b – december blues

Sunbathing on a winter afternoon feels really great. I’m grateful for the fact that I’m up and about while there’s still some sunlight. Chilled for a couple hours but then the sunset came around very soon. Everything felt quite gloomy and then I didn’t feel like doing anything.. decided to take a shower though and now I feel kind of better. Have decided to sit down diligently for a couple hours and try to do a work session. Not sure what I’ll end up doing but let’s see. 

Dreading a doctor’s appointment tomorrow because I haven’t done the required work I was asked to do for the thing I’m seeing him for, but he’s a bit teacher-like in his admonishments when I don’t do said thing. I postponed the appointment for a month since I was worried of what I’d have to hear if and when I finally go to him. I suppose I should tell him how his words affect me and if he can find a gentler way to tell me whatever he wants to tell me. 

Got a couple weddings coming up and honestly I simply hate shopping for wedding clothes. It’s just so much effort. Though I’m glad my friend said the dress code isn’t strictly enforced, it’s still a lot. I think another couple years and then I’m just going to stop going to weddings lol. It’s just absolutely not my thing. 

I doubt I can get any work done this December, I think I should just give up trying to. I have my last production class coming Monday, excited to end this for now. I need a break from production work and I’d love to get back into it once I get some fresh ideas and a proper break from it. 

Things are alright otherwise, I suppose. Trying to strengthen foundational piano skills these days, somehow enjoying it too. Also heard some heartening words from some musicians I met yesterday— I was telling them about how I’m struggling with what to focus on, and they told me it’s pretty okay to take the time to explore and how it’s only when you explore everything as much as you want (multiple instruments and vocals in this case), can you be really sure of what you pick. It was just nice to have someone reiterate that opinion, instead of the regular societal “quickly find the thing you need to focus on” thing. 

My eyes hurt a lot so I probably need to get better glasses— the ones that block out blue light etc. Anyway, I’m going to work on making some todo lists for December, I think that’s the part that is making me feel quite anxious, ie feeling like I have way too much on my plate. 

Happy December, folx!

108a – questions, questions

Had a lowkey depressing week. Finally stepped out and grabbed coffee with a friend and that feels like a game changer. Good friendships are so important, they can remind us that we’re not completely worthless. A good friend feels like a portal to the world— the world that’s sometimes too scary to look at without that portal. 

The main reason I’ve been low is because of some hurdles in my creative process. I was diving full on into music production and it was really fun too, until I realised I wasn’t quite happy with what I’d made. And of course, that’s part of the process, but I was hit with all sorts of realisations. Some of them being: 

  • I have, subconsciously, been a bit impatient about wanting results. I put some deadlines on myself— the deadlines are good to get work done— but I need to remember the deadlines are arbitrary. If I’m not happy with something, that’s okay, I can take my time to figure out what I want, instead. 

Okay that’s actually just one primary realisation. But secondly, I feel like my inner critic is just quite loud these days. The feeling of not being good enough for the things I want to do.. stops me from doing anything at all. I suppose our inner critic is one of the biggest threats to our creativity. 

Anyway, enough of this self-wallowing self-pity type sentiments. I really want to do something fun. I’ll figure out what after I write this word-vomit. 

What’s something fun I can do that’s not motivated by results or external factors? I don’t know, actually. I’ve been spending so much time with “music” so that doesn’t feel like it would be fun today. I need a change, I need something different. This word-vomit helps, of course.. but it’s not enough. I’m really enjoying playing an MMO game called Travian these days, but that’s not enough either. I guess it’s safe to say I’m a little lonely too, since Y is away at her place. 

I don’t know, I’m also feeling quite restless. Not sure what it is. Maybe I’m hungry. Ugh, the human body is quite a pain to maintain. 

I suppose there are things I can do with my time, even though maybe part of me doesn’t feel like doing them. There are people I need to text back, there are todo lists to make, there is digital organisation to be done.. but perhaps those tasks don’t feel tempting enough. 

Well, I did some singing and that felt nice, even though my vocal cords have been fried lately.. due to various reasons. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better. 

Something I’m struggling with “in music” is whether to focus more on improving my singing or my instrumental skills. Not very sure about this, hopefully time will give me the answers, but it hasn’t so far, so.. I don’t really know. 

Anyway— questions, questions. Always, so many open questions. 

Hope y’all had a lovely November! xx 

079a – rest & recovery (2)

Slept a lot today, woke up towards the tail-end of the afternoon after a very long time. I think sleep, a little bit of laziness and slothness are my primary vices at the moment. I’m not being too hard on myself since it’s December and the anxiety medication has a role to play in the added sleepiness as well, but sleep schedule has always been a problem for me so I don’t want to let it get too out of hand. Getting a good amount of daylight is very important since it really messes up a lot of routinely things. Social commitments, chores, and of course general mood and feelings. 

I think I’m ready to start moving towards some stability soon. Which means I’ll have to start looking for part-time work even though I don’t know what kind I want. I think I’m now in the state where creative pursuits can be pursued in parallel, and I don’t need to devote all my waking time to them. 

Spoke to a close friend today about some of the stuff I’ve been avoiding and she was super supportive, it was quite nice to receive reassurance and comfort about some of the things I’ve been really fearful of. Resistance towards experimentation, exploration and potential change. But she was of the belief that exploration is worthwhile and can really get you closer to your true, real self and it is generally worth it, even if it’s tough. We’ll see, I guess. 

I don’t think I have a lot to write/vomit about today so I’ll keep this one short. What are my intentions for December? I think health is primary and I’ve probably mentioned this before. I was feeling pretty stuck musically but I’ve been getting melody ideas again so that’s nice. I do need to come back to songs and summon some discipline though so I can complete some of these ideas I have. I don’t know why it becomes so tough in certain weeks. I had a nice couple weeks in November when I was wrapping up a lot of loose threads, I’d love to be able to operate the same way again. I guess I just need to get over myself and do it. But can you really gaslight yourself into doing things? I don’t know. I’ll find out, I’ll make some time post-dinner today. 

Community stuff has been nice, I’ve met some nice people lately and also been spending more pleasant time with parents and old friends who keep visiting. Winters makes everything a little tougher but I guess there aren’t a lot of good solutions for this. Maybe I just invest in better clothing though. 

Alright so what are my priorities for this week and the next? 

  • Wrap up a couple songs (at least first drafts) 
  • Get some health related tasks done 
  • Continue writing word-vomits if not essays 
  • Maybe make some time for dating if I can 

Sounds good enough, I’ll write later!