work – untitled atm

108b – december blues

Sunbathing on a winter afternoon feels really great. I’m grateful for the fact that I’m up and about while there’s still some sunlight. Chilled for a couple hours but then the sunset came around very soon. Everything felt quite gloomy and then I didn’t feel like doing anything.. decided to take a shower though and now I feel kind of better. Have decided to sit down diligently for a couple hours and try to do a work session. Not sure what I’ll end up doing but let’s see.

Dreading a doctor’s appointment tomorrow because I haven’t done the required work I was asked to do for the thing I’m seeing him for, but he’s a bit teacher-like in his admonishments when I don’t do said thing. I postponed the appointment for a month since I was worried of what I’d have to hear if and when I finally go to him. I suppose I should tell him how his words affect me and if he can find a gentler way to tell me whatever he wants to tell me.

Got a couple weddings coming up and honestly I simply hate shopping for wedding clothes. It’s just so much effort. Though I’m glad my friend said the dress code isn’t strictly enforced, it’s still a lot. I think another couple years and then I’m just going to stop going to weddings lol. It’s just absolutely not my thing.

I doubt I can get any work done this December, I think I should just give up trying to. I have my last production class coming Monday, excited to end this for now. I need a break from production work and I’d love to get back into it once I get some fresh ideas and a proper break from it.

Things are alright otherwise, I suppose. Trying to strengthen foundational piano skills these days, somehow enjoying it too. Also heard some heartening words from some musicians I met yesterday— I was telling them about how I’m struggling with what to focus on, and they told me it’s pretty okay to take the time to explore and how it’s only when you explore everything as much as you want (multiple instruments and vocals in this case), can you be really sure of what you pick. It was just nice to have someone reiterate that opinion, instead of the regular societal “quickly find the thing you need to focus on” thing.

My eyes hurt a lot so I probably need to get better glasses— the ones that block out blue light etc. Anyway, I’m going to work on making some todo lists for December, I think that’s the part that is making me feel quite anxious, ie feeling like I have way too much on my plate.

Happy December, folx!

104b – dreams, neurodivergence and the need for rest

People keep talking about dreams all the time. Or so it seems. People tell me how proud of me they are and how inspiring it is that I’m following my dreams. I don’t even know what my dreams are, though. To live a creative life? Yes. To spend more time with my art, with myself, with people I love? Yes, of course. To not be doing too many things that I don’t want to do? Yes, indeed.

Financial privilege and in general— privilege— aside, I don’t feel like I’m living a very good life. My relationship has been hard work, lately, and career stuff weighs heavily on me too. Do I want to be a writer, or a musician, or nothing at all? Am I really just afraid of hard work or am I not able to tune into my gut and figure out what I want? Or hell, even if I don’t know what I Want, am I able to at least know what I want next?

Having freedom and privilege makes me feel like I’m supposed to do something with it. I don’t know if I want to. In certain moments, yes, I do want to do something that could be useful to someone (even if that someone’s just myself), but in other moments— I really just want to rest.

I know I’m definitely some sort of neurodivergent, and vocalising that more loudly and more frequently has come with its own set of challenges. Now that I’m more in touch with how easily I get overstimulated and tired, there is a need to also accept that it makes sense to need the amount of rest and alone time that I tend to need. But society’s voice is stlll way too loud.

It tells me that I’ve had my “year” of rest and now it’s time to get back into work and productivity. A month ago I tried writing a goodbye letter to this “year of rest” but it wasn’t enough. I don’t think I’m ready to get back to work. Not the trad 9-5 kind anyway. I’m talking to some people for part-time work but none of it comes with pay. Sure, I can afford that for now but at some point I won’t be able to. Well, I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Or like six months before we have to, I guess.

I’ve been considering art school or music school more seriously since, well, all of yesterday. Talking to Y made me realise how suppressed this desire has been, in me. Yes, last year I did consider it seriously, but then I did some research which convinced me thoroughly to not go ahead with any of that at this point of time. Even now, I don’t think I want to go to school right away. I just want more motivation to work on the things that I do want to work on. I do want to reduce TV time and gaming time so I can feel more energised. I do want to eat better, exercise more, but I feel like these wants are still outcome oriented. Is that okay? I don’t know. I don’t know if I can just eat better SO that I feel more energised. That kind of thinking is not motivating enough for me. But I do want to find some way of getting over all this, because otherwise I’m just denying my body what it needs.

Anyway, I think that’s it for now. Going to try out a couple things to summon some energy! Happy October, folks xx

097b – movement and work

Tasks and chores are finally in movement, and I’m quite glad. The last couple days have been much better compared to the weekend, perhaps I’m finally feeling more regulated and functional again post the previous Wednesday.

Something I realised about writing recently is that I generally like writing in singular takes only. I just don’t feel called to a thing once some time has passed away from it. Whether it’s chapters or sections of a chapter, there has to be some amount of “completeness” wrt the thing. Stitching parts together feels strange and unfulfilling.

Parents have been a bit in conflict and it’s weighing quite a bit on me despite my best efforts wrt distance (both physical and emotional).

I feel a little bit dissociated from my body sometimes, or maybe just now, but I think I’ve been avoiding sitting with some of my feelings for sure. The major ones are probably grief, frustration, longing, anxiety, and also perhaps the weird angst that comes procrastination on unpleasant tasks. I do cry on an almost a daily basis, I spend time with writing and music and singing and dancing, and yet.. yet I feel like there’s something I’m running away from. Probably because nicotine is still quite prevalent, especially over the last 2-3 weeks.

Excited to have this 100K words project almost wrapped up though. Pretty sure I can get this done by April. Of course, it wasn’t a deadline based thing ever, but I’d like to celebrate getting here anyway. And while it’s true that I’ll probably continue writing/blogging anyway, it’ll still feel nice to complete a specific milestone. Post that I’ll also be free to do my favorite thing ie writing about writing. I can think about goals and processes and meta stuff again, which I always enjoy of course.

Pretty sleepy at the moment so I’d like to wrap this up in the next ten minutes. I also miss friends here, I feel like I haven’t seen people I used to regularly hang with for quite a while. Of course, I can make some plans etc but something’s been blocking me.

Man, these are the toughest 500 words I’ve written in a while. How is it possible that I don’t have enough to talk/write about? I did do a lot of journaling today morning so maybe that’s a factor. Maybe I need to go out and collect some more data and stimulus to have stuff to write.

Production classes are going well even though I do need to improve my setup so I can spend hours more sincerely than I’ve been doing so far. Honestly the dust here is such a pain. Not sure how to deal with that really. Which reminds me, I do have some house-maintenance chores to get done in the next few days as well. Ah well, that’s that.

I feel like my capacity to “work” effectively has reduced a bit. However it’s also possible that I’m just not tracking things well. So I’m going to track my work/focus time a bit more over the next few days to just get a sense of that again.

Alright folks, hope you’re having a pleasant April xx

093b – march updates

Haven’t word-vomited properly for around a week. Feeling pretty restless this week. Also very exhausted. Sister’s leaving tonight so I know I’ll get to recharge once she does though of course I’m sad to see her leave as well. It’s also been really chilly here this week which has got me feeling quite irate.

Finally opened my notion board this week, which I’d been avoiding because I was feeling a bit stressed and crumbly under the weight of tasks etc but feeling okay now.

I have some international travel coming up this summer and finally got done with 1/2 of the Visa processes. Quite relieving actually.

Looking forward to a relatively quieter month, if that’s possible for me. I’m feeling quite away from all my creative pursuits and I’m not very happy about that. Would also like to narrow focus a bit, since I feel extremely scattered.

Feel like this word-vomit reflects my mental state a bit as well, though part of me knows that it’s mostly just judgement creeping in and the need to defend myself over it. What is the judgement? That I don’t really have anything to write or talk about. Which also feels weird because I thought I had a lot of things “weighing” on me or whatever. Ugh, the inherent insecurity of expressing yourself is just quite annoying.

I have enough things to do but perhaps not a strong enough motivation to do any of them. Perhaps the tricks is just to do the things anyway. I’m going to treat tomorrow as a workday so I can get some of these tasks done.

I also feel a bit worried about potential health issues and in general my lack of enough healthy habits or the abundance of enough unhealthy habits, which is something I do find quite tough to tackle. Sleep “schedule” has been mostly decent though, so I guess I’m grateful for that.

I’d like to wrap up 100K words by the end of this month, though I know for sure that I’m going to keep this blog going still. It’s just my most preferred way of processing things. Still, it’ll be nice to “complete” something also.

Still curious about non-monogamy, hoping to go on a couple dates with different people this month so I can gather some more information about how I feel and what I might potentially want in this aspect. I’m hoping it’s just a brain itch because that will make things easier, but let’s see.

We have general elections this year over here and I would finally like to participate— I mean I’ve always wanted to but have just been quite procrastinatey about documents and the admin processes. Feel like it’s time to tackle it this time. I’m aware I’m using the word tackle quite a bit today but maybe that’s how everything does feel.

Alright, writing today was quite tough. Hoping it’s just a practice (or the lack thereof) thing. Hope I can be a bit regular in March again.

Cheers xx

091b – want to work on reactivity and patience

Last four days have been a lot.

How much time should we be spending with people whose values don’t align with us? Is love ever enough? If values don’t align and the people aren’t open to open, honest conversations about these things I’m starting to think that’s very high incompatibility. I’m talking about people related to family, of course. With friends or peers, (personally) it’s easier to put distance between the connection in such cases. In that case we also naturally tend to gravitate towards people with similar values. At least as adults.

I guess I’m recognising a set of people with whom my values don’t really align much and so I must now actually take some action to not put myself through the trials and tribulations of attempting to find middle ground on a regular basis. Maybe once a month meetings are enough.

Self-awareness is also key, I think. Only through self-awareness can one know what their values are and whether their actions, expression and behaviour are aligning with them or not. It’s okay if they don’t, it’s a difficult task, but I think it should be okay to talk about the gaps.

At the end of the day, talking about the gaps is what I often like to do but most people don’t want to talk about them. I don’t know. Need to find better framing and articulation for this.

I find myself getting reactive in debates and discussions, still, and I’d like to not be that way. EVEN IF the other person is the one who gets reactive first, I’d like to patient, slow, and I’d like to take my time to respond. I know this is a long journey but I’d like to try to be better with reactivity.

I don’t know if I have enough for 500 words today. I thought I did, but I spent a lot of time talking to my sister today morning which now leaves me with not much to process. Things are pretty okay, I suppose.

Pretty happy with my social circle and setup here, also happy with some of the routines that are not setup and have become somewhat automated. In terms of systems, I do want to work on things like organisation, cleanliness, decluttering (especially electronic and digital decluttering), but these are just vague ideas, I’m not sure what it is exactly that I’m trying to fix. Is it even broken? I don’t know.

I’m also happy with the kind of work, goals, wishes and plans I have for the next few months. Everything that I’m working towards are things I’m passionate about, and that feels quite amazing actually. I realise that I actually don’t mind doing the 10-20% of the “not so exciting” parts of a thing, when the thing itself is good enough.

“(How) can we teach inclusivity” is something that someone asked me the other day and I have a very strong belief that we can. This person was coming from a space of “we can’t, really” and that was our primary point of disagreement. Maybe I’ll think / write more about this.

Alright, that’s it from me today. Happy February, folks!

088b – good vibes, experiencing space

Feeling pretty great today. I feel like I’m in problem-solving mode as opposed to problem-thinking mode. But it’s not anxiety fueled. It’s actually positive energy and motivation and genuine resonance fueled. Obviously, I have a bit of an obsessive streak when it comes to open problems and open questions but I’m thinking it’s not such a bad thing. For a set amount of time, if I can channel this energy into getting things done that may not be such a bad thing. As long as I can keep “productivity” and the “doer” energy balanced with “being” energy, days could be nice.

Got some clarity on the gender and body dysphoria question in therapy today, and that feels pretty great. For now, I’m good. Turns out there are certain days I just don’t like being strongly associated with femininity, but I have enough moments where I do like that association (and in various ways). Currently, for a couple months, I’ve been experiencing a good amount of the yin and the yang, and I’m pretty okay with that— and I imagine I’ll learn to actually really celebrate that as well.

I think I have some space for mentorship in my life. I already have an “emotions, health and interpersonal relationships” mentor ie my therapist, who I’m pretty happy with. But I think what I need is someone who has experience with creative work, ie a writing industry mentor and a music industry mentor. Obviously, I don’t have space for two people so something I may need to figure out is what I need more at the moment, but I’m going to be exploring that this week.

I’m thinking that it could be nice to try to look for creative work / freelance jobs in H1 this year. Currently I have the time, resources and the opportunity to explore this thread, and it’s worth trying it out with 100% effort and only falling back to the things I know and like ONLY IF it doesn’t work out. Ie let’s say I find don’t find the kind of work that I might actually like, maybe I can fall back to my more stable tech pay check job world. I just feel like there’s enough people working in the arts industries and why should I not give it a shot, at least? Especially maybe if I’m okay with earning a bit less at the moment. Obviously, I’m not saying I will be fully fulfilled right away, but I just feel called to at least trying to look. Why should I give up before looking? I don’t know, let’s see.

Also learning to set better boundaries with people in my DMs, something I’ve been practicing for a few years now but still need to continue to do, for reasons I’m not sure. I thought most people who interact with me are actually people who know the things that I stand for, but maybe there’s still some “warding off” of negative energies that needs to continue.

Anyway, that’s that for today. Hoping for a good last week of January! Cheers xx

087b – january rambles

I want to write, I need to write. And to do that I need to accept that the only thing I want to write about is you, at the moment. Well not just at the moment. Since a few days actually. And I imagine that will continue for a few more.

In a way, you’re a muse.

And maybe that’s why I’m already attached to you, the idea of you, etc. I don’t want to do this. I want to see you. Not through my image, but through yours.

Anyway, stomach is upset so I can’t get rid of feelings in any other way except by ranting about them on here.

I wonder how we can cultivate a better relationship with our muse(s)? All the people that I’ve liked and loved have always been a source of inspiration for me in terms of art and creative work, and yet.. it’s futile to think of your relationship with different people as something in your control. It’s really not. That’s generally the beauty of it. That they (or your interactions with them)make you feel things you wouldn’t have felt otherwise. And I’m not just talking about romantic feelings, though of course yes, they do generally dominate the muse-world.

I need to figure out the main tasks I want to be working on from next week onwards because essentially I didn’t really get anything done this week. Journaling and music journaling is something I’m automatically finding myself doing a good amount, and that’s great, but I’d like to use these two things as tools for the next few weeks, and not aims. I know that most people swear by the idea of “keeping yourself busy” and I think that’s something I need to follow and be strict about over the next few weeks as well. I think this also means going back to being a bit more routinely with work, etc. The way I’d been able to do back in November. Honestly, it’s the winters that has completely fucked up everything for me. I don’t know why I feel so cold and why this seems to be a bigger problem for me than it is for most other people I know.

I’m hungry, too, but anything I eat makes me feel terrible and I don’t know how to solve this.

Someone once told me I’m very slow with things, and I feel like it’s true, but I don’t know how to be better at this. How does one be faster at things? I think I need to automate food, sleep and chores to the extent that I can. It’s really coming in the way at the moment actually.

I’m also experiencing the need to call onto rationality. I feel like I’ve been spending a lot of time with feelings lately (I also feel like I’ve mentioned this here before) but I’m not sure how to be rational. Or how to access the rationality that I know I have in me.

Rick Rubin says we write to see things we already know. I suppose we can keep writing until we’re able to incorporate the things we need. Hope this makes some sense. That’s it from me for now. Cheers xx

087a – updates and planning

Lots going on. Lots of feelings and thoughts. Attended a big-ish poetry open mic which triggered some insecurities, although I did come out with a couple of really nice takeaways. Found some inspiration, found some people to connect with, and was also able to “provide value” (I think) by talking to a few students who were really interested in the processes and the community and how they could get more involved with poetry and slam poetry in general.

I think it’d be nice to be able to attend a workshop on slam poetry sometime soon because shifting from page to slam might require some more intentional work that I’m not able to put in yet.

Something I’m incorporating in dating (ie what I look for in a partner) now is maturity. For the longest time I’ve “known” that this is something I like but I’ve also thought that it’s something that I can get by without (because “I’m plenty mature for the both of us”). But I’m realising lately that that’s not how it works (LOL). But also realising that maturity doesn’t just come from books and movies but also a good amount of life experience. Also maturity on what fronts, really? Not just in terms of life and existing and suffering, but really having interacted with a good amount of people, with a good number and type of people, situations, etc etc. I don’t know yet how I can test for this when dating, but it’s something I’d definitely want.

I wrapped up the 10-songs project for now (reflections here) and something I’m realising is that it’s literally very similar to word-vomiting and journaling. I’m still continuing with music and writing as need based things (ie feeling outlets) and that will likely stay, I think. Production and release will be a separate project, one that I’m not beginning anytime soon. I’m going to be working on the smaller things this January. Small admin tasks, other P1 mini-projects etc. I’ve also got a vocals exam and I’d like to wrap it up soon since it’s stretched on for too long now.

The other thing that’s going on is no-Instagram-January. Today I felt like I want to activate it again because I felt the need for connection. But then if I don’t carry on for at least 2-3 weeks without giving in I wouldn’t really be able to tap into the returns, if any. Because my need for connection actually wasn’t a need for connection, only regulation. And for regulation, I mostly want to rely on myself, or actual, real people, not social media.

Not sure exactly what to focus on this week, work-wise, but I need to decide at least a few things otherwise I might end up doing nothing, really. I think I might need to follow a sprint model for personal tasks as well because that actually works pretty well, in my experience. It’ll allow me to not get “triggered” by my todo list but instead just look at it as opportunities— opportunities that I can explore at the pace that I want to.

Alright that’s it for today! Hope you’re having a good start to the week. Cheers xx

086a – thought-trains and fears

Fucked up sleep schedule again. I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to sleep. Either I just accept that I’m sleeping weird hours or I genuinely try to be disciplined. I think I’m just going to accept that for the next few weeks because once I’m traveling (ie end of this month) and spending time with other people I think the routine will automatically come into the picture.

Yeah, so maybe for the next couple weeks, it’s alright to have a slightly weird sleep schedule.

Did a lot of music things the whole day yesterday, felt pretty nice, although I do feel like I’m getting very daydreamy with my goals and tasks. Like it’s not like I’m not spending enough time on the doing (I am), but I’m still spending a LOT of time just romanticising it all.

In general also, I’ve been thinking a lot about romanticisation and glorification. Is it a problem? It’s obviously better than catastrophisation but I think it’s sort of the same thing. In a way, you’re spending time away from the present and away from awareness. So, yeah, I’d definitely want to be spending less time in my head. So how do I do this really? I’ve cut out a lot of my “vices” or copes to this problem over the last few months, I think there are in a way just the innermost layers remaining now.

Ie just core strong self-discipline. Habits, I suppose, is what people vouch by a lot. Yeah, maybe I’ll think about habit building a bit too. Maybe I recognise what situations I’m most prone to rumination and daydreaming in. Obviously, keeping a journal and a guitar near me as much as I can helps me too. But that’s not enough, I think. I think I’d want to be better at both the routes— cutting the thought “spirals” (regardless of whether they’re down spirals or up spirals) through body interference (movement, or action for eg) but also through brain interference (“hey, you’re in your head”, “hey, you’re on a thought-train, do you want to write about it perhaps?”). Yeah, I think I’ll try practicing these things a bit.

I slept from 7am-2pm today and I think that’s okay, I do tend to need 9 hours of sleep. Anyway, I think it’s all okay. I can’t always be questioning everything. I’m happy doing the work I’m doing lately, I just don’t want to get lost in it— is something I’ve been feeling lately. But just as I write this, I wonder if it’s okay to get lost in it for a few months? I’m just afraid of becoming a workaholic to be very honest. I don’t want to prioritise work over health and relationships. I do want to keep health at the top, and then relationships and work at an equal footing, for sure.

Man, there’s no sun today either. Hope tomorrow is better! Hope you’re having a good week xx

082b – seriousness

Thinking about meaning and usefulness lately.

re: meaning

Lately I’m realising I do like assigning meaning to things. (I mean, I’ve always known this but it’s only lately I’m realising how automatic, strong and frequent this process is for me.) Obviously, this contradicts a little bit with mindfulness, and I’m still not sure how much I must allow myself to extract meaning out of events. Sometimes I think that we do have roles to play in this world, because otherwise there isn’t a point.

Or if life or sentience is even, simply put, a random occurrence, even then, if assigning meaning to it makes it easier for me— then why not?

I suppose it is only the “attachment” to the meaning (whatever that is for you) that might make it a problem. I guess, if we can practice connected detachment, then meaning can probably serve as a good guiding star.

What is the problem, then? I suppose the problem is it’s hard to keep a check on how far you can constantly get lost in the narrative. If you don’t keep your meaning-assigning-parts in check, or if you don’t regularly question them, or put them through scrutiny filters, you might end up away from awareness.

Okay, where is all this coming from?

I was having a discussion with some people and someone claimed that “life shouldn’t be too serious” and I think I got somewhat triggered by that statement. I went on a bit of speech on how “life is serious, actually” and how there’s wars happening and how people aren’t being nice and kind to each other and all of that is serious. But now that I recognise that maybe that’s not what that person was claiming at all, I suppose, I need to apologise to them. (Oops)

But I do feel strongly about how humanity needs to be better. I don’t know what this is exactly but I clearly need to explore this more, otherwise I might get keep getting triggered every time someone says anything along the lines of “life isn’t that serious”.

Of course, I recently came across this which I’m planning to read soon because it might be helpful for me. And something I read probably from the same essay was that the trick is to “not take your self too seriously but it’s okay to take your work seriously” and that does resonate with me a lot. I’ve now accepted that my work isn’t about me necessarily but I am the vessel that’s doing the work and for me to do it well it makes sense that I would take it seriously. Even if I’m having fun, I tend to be serious about having fun, if that makes any sense at all. And maybe another thing to remember is that people just function differently, maybe “taking things lightly” allows some people to live an easier life— and that’s okay— but for them to generalise this for everyone is what I don’t necessarily like.

So, I suppose part of the problem is just accepting that I am a serious person and I do take “life” and the world and many things that we have in front of us seriously. Whatever that means, really.

I’ll talk about usefulness another time, I don’t feel like getting into it at the moment.

Happy last day of 2023, I hope you don’t resist whatever comes your way 🙂