writing – Page 2 – untitled atm

099b – envy and imposter syndrome

Haven’t written for over two weeks now. Well, that’s not completely true, I’ve been writing but not properly. Been busy with a bunch of things, including a lot of planning for the medium-term future. Yesterday, I wrote something I liked but I didn’t quite complete it so I’ll go back to it again during the week. But figured I can make time for a word-vomit today.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of envy when it comes to where I stand when it comes to musical skills. I don’t know whether I want to be a “musician” or a “vocalist” or a “composer” seems to be a problem as soon as I try to address the envy. Because the only solution to envy I think can be really just do more of the thing that I’m experiencing envy around. If I’m doing enough of the things I want to be doing, then I wouldn’t really have time or bandwidth for envy, I know that. But as soon as I try to “do more of” said things, like I said, I get stuck on the question of what do I want to do more of?

I’m still regular with drums and I like playing them, and I have next goals in mind too— play with friends, ie jam where I can play drums and other people can play other things. I think I’m a bit stuck on the vocals journey. Maybe I schedule a check-in lesson/session with one of my previous tutors and get some help/guidance from her. I think that should be good. Because the major thing missing is direction, when it comes to this. More performances, of course, too.

I had this thought earlier this week that I don’t really complete things. I want to reassure myself that that’s not true. I’m about to compete this project (ie I’m about to complete 100K words) and that’s something to be proud of, for sure. I’m about to complete a year with drums lessons. I’ll complete production lessons by August. Sometimes imposter syndrome just hits really hard but I think the truth is that things like satisfaction, fulfilment and figuring out where your art and your creative goals fit in with your “life” are just hard problems.

I do not want to indulge my envy too much. I’d like to move to action whenever I feel it come up. I do not want it to affect important relationships in my life. I’ve been on the receiving end of this feeling too and it can feel really vitriolic. I wouldn’t want to put anyone I care about on the receiving end of that.

Have some travel coming up this weekend and I’m really looking forward to it, especially since it allows me to escape the Delhi heat for a few days.

I feel much better now, glad I wrote tonight. Hope y’all are having a decent May and staying hydrated! Cheers xx

099a – reflective

Haven’t written for over a week. It’s been a decent one, for the most parts. Delhi summers is quite exhausting, however. Not sure how I feel about the coming two months. Realised today that my house lease ends sooner than I thought so that’s something I need to process, and then I also need to take some time out to decide whether or not I want to look for work anytime soon. I don’t know if I can handle (or cope with) two big rocks on my head.

Going to hang with friends tonight, looking forward to it, been a while. Have some friends visiting next week and also have a weekend trip planned towards the end of the month. Looking forward to both these things.

Relationship stuff has been pretty smooth so far, quite happy and grateful about that, don’t want to take that lightly.

My back has been aching for the whole week now— not sure I slept weird or whether it’s the age that’s starting to show up (haha). (Feel stupid to even laugh at this because part of me doesn’t want to make age-based jokes and part of me is genuinely worried whether age-based issues are going to start bothering me at this very (in many ways) young age.

I think I’m going to take out some time over the weekend and set some intentions for May! Feeling kind of excited about it so I’d love to make use of the energy.

Stopped writing this last night because I didn’t have a lot of time, but back at it today morning. Had a great night, unexpectedly fulfilling actually.

Woke up feeling a bit reflective today morning for some reason, and it made me realise that these days I feel like I have more memories already in my head (or my body or my heart, whatever) that I feel like I don’t have the space to go out and make new ones. I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day and she was sharing some memories of us from back when I was 2 or 3 (I had asked her if she remembers anything) and really, it was quite overwhelming (in a good way though). [Sidebar: I’m trying to find a word for this—ie overwhelming but in a good way but I can’t.]

The general theme from yesterday seems to be documentation and preservation. Even with the folks I hung out with, we were actually exchanging a lot of stories from our pasts.

This week I also complete a year to having moved from Amsterdam to Delhi. I hope I can find some time to reflect upon it all.

Of course, documentation ties this post up nicely too. Happy to be doing this, happy to be making notes. Happy to preserve and document and reflect on here so I can continue to make more memories, ie live more and live as much as I can.

Happy May, folks! xx

098b – denial, dreams, distractions

Some days are better than others. Today for example I made a commitment to face an unhealthy habit I’ve been running away from for too long. I crossed off more tasks than I added to my very long backlog of tasks, I did vocals practice and funnily enough, also got sufficient sleep (something I hadn’t really been able to over the past week).

I imagine these word-vomits aren’t of much use to anyone else, and I know I’ve mentioned this probably a hundred times here now. However, very recently I got something nice from a word-vomit, ie writing that I actually liked and found more satisfactory in terms of content and quality, and that I was also able to flesh out into a longer post of sorts. Something I’d happily want to share with a broader public too.

Trying to be better at combating denial. Denial keeps me so stuck sometimes, I lose out on days and weeks. Also trying to get more in touch with whether my goals and dreams are important, and if so, how much. I feel like the last month or so has been a bit of “ah, we’ll see, we’ll figure it out” and that’s a fine response to the anxiety of it all but I don’t want it to become an excuse to not do the things that I care about.

I think, if I decide that my goals and dreams ARE important, I will definitely have to narrow focus a bit. Even though last week I did acknowledge that narrowing focus makes me a bit anxious, I do think it might be important. And of course, narrowing focus doesn’t mean I would need to cut down on the other things completely! I can just know what takes higher priority. So, yeah, maybe I do a prioritisation exercise again.

Man, absolutely detest it when I get distracted from a post and pick up my phone in the middle of distraction. I really want these takes to be as one-take as possible because otherwise I feel like I don’t really uncover anything. I feel like scrolling and social media and my smartphone is definitely a very harmful distractor. It really just hits a reset button on the journey that is inner exploration. It’s like you have to start again, start from the top, swim all the way back into the ocean again. You’re just left making small talk and repetitive analogies for a whole paragraph.

Struggling a bit with the whole situation of being interrupted in conversation. I’m finding that I do get affected quite a bit when I’m interrupted, but I’m also finding that I haven’t fully owned how much I don’t like it. Would like to explore this in therapy for sure. There are a couple more things I’m struggling with. Again, not something I can explore by myself but writing it here allows me to remember it.

Apologies, dear readers, hopefully the vagueness can be excused.

Alright, that’s the most focus I can muster up today, I think. Happy last week of April! xx v

098a – floating

These days I’ve only been floating. Among tasks and open threads and people and emotions. Among plans that just stay in chats, unpublished blogs, unmade reels, unhealthy habits I’m not committing to face and internalised insecurities that just don’t seem to go away. The pain of indecision can sometimes be worse than the pain of regret. Because regret I know how to cope with. Because regret— I’ve known and stood by for many years now— is something I don’t really feel. When you make “wrong decisions”, you know you can still get something, something out of it. But what do you get out of the murky waters of procrastination and delay? Almost absolutely nothing— except perhaps self-doubt and frustration and a multiplication of fears that already exist.

Productive procrastination doesn’t help anymore either. There is more laundry to do every week, bills to pay every month, decluttering to do every so often— these are never-ending tasks. I know this, I’ve always known this, but still realising this again makes me despondent.

I don’t need to look for a job anytime soon (ie financially), but I do need to move in directions that I’ve been wanting to. And while it’s true, I’m not stuck stuck, I do feel like there’s been a lot more friction to certain things lately.

Writing this is nice, of course. It feels like getting into a boat and exploring all these murky waters, even if I come back to shore after just ten minutes.

I’d like to see some people too. Other creatures on similar journeys, or perhaps even people all the way across who could shine some light on other shores, temporary or otherwise.

Okay, maybe that’s it for this metaphor. I’m happy I uncovered a couple things:

That I’d like some movement on the real projects, not just chores and homework tasks
And that I’d like to see people

But beyond that, I don’t think this metaphor is serving me anymore right now. I guess now that I’ve decided that I’d like to apply for some writing gigs, I think it’s time to break down this task and really, sincerely think about building a writing portfolio and a resume. I think for now it’s a week worth of work and I’d like to spend some heads-down time on it.

I do miss a specific friend but I’m going to speak to him soon, so that should all be fine. I think I’m also tired, I don’t think I’ve had my 8-9 hours of sleep, maybe I try to catch some of it later, before dinner. I also haven’t met friends almost throughout the week and I suppose that is something I do need. Making plans is tedious but I suppose that’s the cost I pay for attempting to leave a “let’s see how it goes” kind of lifestyle.

Ah, well, that’s it I think.

Happy weekend, folks xx

097b – movement and work

Tasks and chores are finally in movement, and I’m quite glad. The last couple days have been much better compared to the weekend, perhaps I’m finally feeling more regulated and functional again post the previous Wednesday.

Something I realised about writing recently is that I generally like writing in singular takes only. I just don’t feel called to a thing once some time has passed away from it. Whether it’s chapters or sections of a chapter, there has to be some amount of “completeness” wrt the thing. Stitching parts together feels strange and unfulfilling.

Parents have been a bit in conflict and it’s weighing quite a bit on me despite my best efforts wrt distance (both physical and emotional).

I feel a little bit dissociated from my body sometimes, or maybe just now, but I think I’ve been avoiding sitting with some of my feelings for sure. The major ones are probably grief, frustration, longing, anxiety, and also perhaps the weird angst that comes procrastination on unpleasant tasks. I do cry on an almost a daily basis, I spend time with writing and music and singing and dancing, and yet.. yet I feel like there’s something I’m running away from. Probably because nicotine is still quite prevalent, especially over the last 2-3 weeks.

Excited to have this 100K words project almost wrapped up though. Pretty sure I can get this done by April. Of course, it wasn’t a deadline based thing ever, but I’d like to celebrate getting here anyway. And while it’s true that I’ll probably continue writing/blogging anyway, it’ll still feel nice to complete a specific milestone. Post that I’ll also be free to do my favorite thing ie writing about writing. I can think about goals and processes and meta stuff again, which I always enjoy of course.

Pretty sleepy at the moment so I’d like to wrap this up in the next ten minutes. I also miss friends here, I feel like I haven’t seen people I used to regularly hang with for quite a while. Of course, I can make some plans etc but something’s been blocking me.

Man, these are the toughest 500 words I’ve written in a while. How is it possible that I don’t have enough to talk/write about? I did do a lot of journaling today morning so maybe that’s a factor. Maybe I need to go out and collect some more data and stimulus to have stuff to write.

Production classes are going well even though I do need to improve my setup so I can spend hours more sincerely than I’ve been doing so far. Honestly the dust here is such a pain. Not sure how to deal with that really. Which reminds me, I do have some house-maintenance chores to get done in the next few days as well. Ah well, that’s that.

I feel like my capacity to “work” effectively has reduced a bit. However it’s also possible that I’m just not tracking things well. So I’m going to track my work/focus time a bit more over the next few days to just get a sense of that again.

Alright folks, hope you’re having a pleasant April xx

096b – the creative process of intimacy

I haven’t been writing (publicly) as much because all I can write about lately is love and romance. Anyone who knows me knows I’m deeply wary of the idea of being enmeshed with anyone else, especially romantic partners. And yet, these days I find myself wanting to spend all of my time with a specific person. She’s great and we both seem to be on the same page about most important things (including our own individual needs wrt alone time etc), and yet I do find my alone time not being as precious lately. It’s almost like I’m able to “recharge” with her and hence am able to do my “alone time” with her as well. Which.. I know it isn’t necessarily a bad thing— I’ve been in monogamous relationships before and they can be really pleasant— and just because they come with very strong, deep attachments doesn’t mean I have to be so fearful of them. But still, I know for sure that to retain my sense of myself, my individuality (which really, philosophically, I’m fully sure of wanting to do), I do need to remember what I like about my alone alone time.

Writing and music have been the two most important things over the last year, and to be fair to myself, I’ve been doing enough of the two, even if I’m not doing them publicly.

Still, I would like to continue to make my writing / journaling / blogging public, to the extent possible.

This actually feels really good too. Just the idea of writing things down and sharing them with the world does give me a sense of comfort and security. And this is important for me to note and regularly stay in touch with so I can do everything that I talked about earlier in the beginning of this post (ie retain and maintain my sense of self).

Something I’m more in touch with lately is a bit of the “crazy” and “weird” parts of me. Of course, calling them crazy and weird is a bit of a judgement, but perhaps I just mean the parts that maybe we’re not fully secure about, whether it’s because we carry internal judgement or whether society makes us that way, doesn’t really matter. Channeling all this becomes very important though. Of course most of us know creativity and art thrives on all of the parts of us that we’re not able to express through other ways. But to channel them successfully we need to make sure our routines around creative work are not falling apart. If I’m not writing everyday, for example, then even being in touch with part a or b will be useless. To create good stuff, or stuff we can be happy with, then, needs the following things—

a. being in touch with all sorts of feelings and parts of us,

b. routines wrt outlets and our creative practices,

c. the courage to express and the courage to share it or put it “out there”.

I suppose the process of intimacy (with another) and with the self looks the same in many ways then.

Anyway. Was this too rambly? I don’t think so. What am I saying? I’m saying that even though I haven’t been creating as much art as I may want to, I think I’m okay with it because I’m deepening my connection with someone, and that is, in many ways, the same thing as creating art (to me). The output, yes, is quite different, but for a while I think I’m okay to invest my time and bandwidth in the “creative process of love and romance”, and not just my existing preferred creative outlets.

Happy april, folks! xx

096a – cyclical longings

Want to write but I don’t know if I have anything to write about today. Not like I haven’t experienced this before and I know that once you start you do generally tend to find things to write about. I did some organisation today and I feel good, albeit a little tired. Made a todo list for the week as well so I’m feeling good about it.

I think I’m going to go ahead and participate in the music school open mic that’s coming up, it would make sense to do it— even though I wasn’t feeling completely upto it until now, but I think that’s just me running away from the discomfort of the thing. I’ve canceled an upcoming Bangalore trip to work on the things I need to work on, and I think that’s the right decision for me. I do have things to wrap up here which I should pay attention to.

Need to plan travels upcoming in the summer, have been procrastinating on that quite a bit. Once I wrap up a teaching project that I have on my hands right now I can start thinking about work, I think it’s starting to give me some anxiety now.* Also thinking of reducing therapy to twice a month or thrice instead of my current cadence which is weekly. Would be nice to save some funds and I don’t think I need it as strongly anymore. The caveat is that I don’t want to fall (back) into any addictions because of this.

Something I realised recently that I’m really happy about is how little I think of my self image anymore. Someone asked me (from a card game) whether I think the image I have of me is similar to how others see me— and I realised that I don’t really have an image of me. I mean, sure, I have certain things— ie I like to think of myself as creative, joyful, interesting in connections, interested in love, maybe a little non-conformist, INFP, sensitive, empathetic, communicative— okay, well, maybe I do have an image of myself. What’s changed then? Maybe the image I have of me is more “true” to me, then. And hence it doesn’t create much conflict in me anymore. Or the image I have of me is related to my inner self and not things related to my outer (physical) self. Yeah, I suppose that could be it.

I was missing Amsterdam quite a bit today, and really I’ve been missing it throughout this week, actually. It’s nice that I’m going to visit in July, it’ll be a good refresher on whether I actually miss it or whether I just miss the good parts.

*In slightly over a month I complete a year to my “break” and while I’m not financially constrained yet, I do think it would make more sense to now join something, something I can be a part of as opposed to just doing things by myself. It’s undoubtable that we can get more “done” or we can create more value when collaborating with others. It’s almost stupid to think we can do something of value purely by ourselves. And at this point, it makes sense to join something even if I don’t know what path I want to take. I think the path will show itself to me the more I “do” things.

Alright, that’s about it for now. Wish you all a great end to March! xx

093b – march updates

Haven’t word-vomited properly for around a week. Feeling pretty restless this week. Also very exhausted. Sister’s leaving tonight so I know I’ll get to recharge once she does though of course I’m sad to see her leave as well. It’s also been really chilly here this week which has got me feeling quite irate.

Finally opened my notion board this week, which I’d been avoiding because I was feeling a bit stressed and crumbly under the weight of tasks etc but feeling okay now.

I have some international travel coming up this summer and finally got done with 1/2 of the Visa processes. Quite relieving actually.

Looking forward to a relatively quieter month, if that’s possible for me. I’m feeling quite away from all my creative pursuits and I’m not very happy about that. Would also like to narrow focus a bit, since I feel extremely scattered.

Feel like this word-vomit reflects my mental state a bit as well, though part of me knows that it’s mostly just judgement creeping in and the need to defend myself over it. What is the judgement? That I don’t really have anything to write or talk about. Which also feels weird because I thought I had a lot of things “weighing” on me or whatever. Ugh, the inherent insecurity of expressing yourself is just quite annoying.

I have enough things to do but perhaps not a strong enough motivation to do any of them. Perhaps the tricks is just to do the things anyway. I’m going to treat tomorrow as a workday so I can get some of these tasks done.

I also feel a bit worried about potential health issues and in general my lack of enough healthy habits or the abundance of enough unhealthy habits, which is something I do find quite tough to tackle. Sleep “schedule” has been mostly decent though, so I guess I’m grateful for that.

I’d like to wrap up 100K words by the end of this month, though I know for sure that I’m going to keep this blog going still. It’s just my most preferred way of processing things. Still, it’ll be nice to “complete” something also.

Still curious about non-monogamy, hoping to go on a couple dates with different people this month so I can gather some more information about how I feel and what I might potentially want in this aspect. I’m hoping it’s just a brain itch because that will make things easier, but let’s see.

We have general elections this year over here and I would finally like to participate— I mean I’ve always wanted to but have just been quite procrastinatey about documents and the admin processes. Feel like it’s time to tackle it this time. I’m aware I’m using the word tackle quite a bit today but maybe that’s how everything does feel.

Alright, writing today was quite tough. Hoping it’s just a practice (or the lack thereof) thing. Hope I can be a bit regular in March again.

Cheers xx

092a – promises, caution and chatter

I don’t like making promises I can’t keep. But in the moment when you’re really enjoying time with someone I tend to say “let’s do this again” instead of “I’m having such a good time”. I guess I’d like to change this.

Which is why long distance friendships are sometimes so much easier to maintain. You meet someone for a weekend once a year and you get to tell them how much you enjoy time with them, you both know there isn’t much point in making plans for another few months. Even when you do talk about taking trips, it’s not as high stakes because you know it’s okay if you don’t execute these plans. And you can somehow trust that the other person knows it too. Then, if you do execute them— it’s a bonus.

But maybe the fear of disappointing others also comes from the very childlike “disappointed” part of me. Broken promises, maybe I still carry the hurt from them.

Now, I can trust that other people are adults too. Of course, I do want to be careful with my word. But things do change sometimes, we do say things a little impulsively. We can’t always stop ourselves. I am a little impulsive and I am a little moody but that doesn’t mean that I don’t mean the things I say. But sure, I can still afford to be a little more careful, overall.

Anyway, that’s a bit of thoughts and rambles and now I must make space for some chatter. Pretty occupied with social and family time till the first week of March and then there’s a music open mic coming up in the last week of March— would like to prepare seriously for that. By the end of March, I would also like to wrap up a a teaching project I had taken on a few months ago. I’ve been off and on with that and I’d like to see it through.

I completed 6-7 months in Delhi recently and I think I really like being here. Apart from the weather, most things are pretty good. I feel like there’s mostly a good amount of fun things going on (friends, family, hobbies etc) which is the primary reason I don’t feel like I need to think about geography too much. I’d like to be here at least throughout 2024 and then I can always recheck or reevaluate.

My most important task on a daily or weekly basis though is making enough time for myself and creative work. If I don’t do this, I end up discontent. As long as I keep writing and/or engaging with music or photography “enough”, I feel like things don’t get too bad.

Success for me is more good days than bad days and enough time for art and creativity and people I love and by that definition I’d say I’m pretty happy. Sleep has also been much better over the last couple weeks and I’m pretty grateful for that.

Alright I think that’ll be it from me today. Hope y’all have a good end to February! xx

091a – content, grateful and ambitious

Back to Delhi. Back to thinking about work and projects. Kind of happy with all of it. Had a terrible flight back but all worth it. I think traveling is such a great way to get new input, data and feelings and gives me a lot of stimulus about things I naturally care about. Feeling pretty good about the frequencies that I know I like with traveling now.

I’d like to sleep by 2-2:30am which means that I’m time boxing this word vomit once again. What are the major things on my mind lately that I’d like to think about? Polyamory, physical intimacy, art, music, production, reading, giving up addictions, grooming, haircut, health related tasks, how much emotional bandwidth can I give to friends and family, how much work can I get done in Feb considering my sister’s visiting and I don’t get enough time with her throughout the year, yeah that’s about it I think.

I’m doing a freelance photography gig (event based thing) for some family this weekend and I’d like to do it well (more so) since I’m getting paid for it, would like to take some tips from people I know who’ve done this before. Editing etc is something I may need to do some research on. Actually kind of excited for this!

Lately I start writing a ton of word vomits but I never get past 200-300 words. I’m not very sure why. Is it really possible that I don’t have enough to process? Or do I have more people around me which allows me to process some things with them instead? I’m not sure, it’s likely the latter though.

Another thing I’ve realised is that I’m definitely more of a space taker than I used to think. Of course, I strive to be considerate and I’m also mindful of how much space I take, but I do take enough of it. Maybe therapy has helped with this too. I like it. I guess writing is also a good way to take a lot of space in the ways you need to. The page is the room you probably actually really need. But it’s a great room. It’s better than most rooms.

Art, safe spaces, mental health, suffering (reducing it if possible for myself and other people), being good— these are the things I really care about.

I’m also glad that I’ve made “niceness” and earnestness almost a pretty big part of my identity (or I’m slowly doing it) and it feels nice that when you stand up for it really strongly, most people don’t try to oppose it. In fact you also learn whether people do actually want to oppose it or not, and if so why etc. When you make claims that most people in theory agree with, but you do it gently, you are making space for questions they may not be brave enough to face themselves actually.

I also used to think I’m not hardworking or ambitious but it’s just that my energies were not being directed into the right things. I feel like lately they have been. So I suppose that’s what makes me happy and content.